By Sparklingjem
Questions surrounding the whereabouts of comic columnist AfricanLegend, recently suspended from his blog www.stuff-about.com on charges of racial insensitivity (read article), continue. AL mysteriously disappeared, after it was discovered that his suspension was linked to a top secret government operation to suppress the knowledge of a disease known as Jungle Fever.
Candy, an attractive young woman who has been stalking AL since he hit on her at a friend’s party, has been trying to track him ever since. While it is certain that he did spend some time in government custody, what has happened to him since his alleged breakout can only be speculated. ‘He definitely managed to escape the government lab. He was being subjected to rather invasive tests to assess his dancing abilities,’ she says as she offers me photographs taken inside the labs. ‘I also found evidence he was heading for Russia. I lost him after he threw away his cell so it couldn’t be used as a tracking device,’ she says, as she scans the multitude of computer screens all linked up to highly advanced satellite equipment with one purpose; to record and track AL’s every move.
Many sightings of AL have been reported since he went missing two weeks ago. Only a few hours after he allegedly broke out of the government labs, reports came in that he had been spotted hitchhiking in Australia. ‘I saw this guy on the side of the road,’ says Bruce. ‘So I stopped to pick him up. I thought I recognised him but it was only after I’d dropped him off at the nearest chicken joint that I realised it was AL.’
A few days later he was spotted in Gaborone, Botswana. A Broadhurst Route 2 Taxi Driver said he almost ran over a man with a long grey beard who was selling Islamic material outside the Mosque. ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ said the irate Taxi Driver who refused to give his name. ‘He stepped out in front of me. When I leaned out of my window to shout to him, I saw he was actually a very dark skinned young man and his beard was a fake, but he was still quite handsome in the dim light. I knew it must be the one they call AfricanLegend.’ Since then he has been seen in over nine other countries including Greece, where he was spotted when a tour guide noticed an extremely dark statue of a god, which she had never seen before. ‘I noticed him particularly because apart from the dark skin he had a much larger penis than the other Gods,’ Georgia whispered giggling. 'Some people think it might have be the second coming of the god Negrothena but I think it was definitely AL.'
‘It would seem that he is taking a very indirect route to Russia, probably for security reasons,’ says Candy who is tracking AL’s journey with a digital map. Just a few days ago, reports came in indicating AL had reached Russia and was safely hidden in an impregnable mountain fortress hidden deep in the Great Caucasian mountain range of Southern Russia. The fortress, known as La Paradis, was previously considered only a legend. Rumoured to be a large underground complex with state of the art finishes and the latest in designer bathroom fittings, it is said to be the home of many celebrities who faked their deaths in order to escape to La Paradis. Famous residents include Elvis Presley, 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G and most recently Michael Jackson. Among other things, the complex is rumoured to be equipped with an underground beach, a Rocawear retail outlet, a day spa and a harem. Soon after these reports were received, government authorities swarmed the area claiming the presence of weapons of mass destruction. They proceeded to bomb the area repeatedly over the next few days and eventually forced their way into La Paradis. Although they managed to round up a number of “dead” celebrities, including Elvis, 2Pac and MJ, AL was not among them.
So the question still remains, where is AfricanLegend?
Realistically we have no way of knowing whether or not he made it to Russia. Despite Candy’s assurances that she would ‘know if he passed onto another world,’ we can’t even be certain he is still alive.’ He could have been killed in the bombing, died of starvation, fatigue or wild animal attack while on the run, or even been recaptured. The only thing we can know for certain is that if he does not return, the government will have his blood on their hands.
AfricanLegend (AL) still Missing! Is AL’s disappearance a government murder?
10:35 AM
Isaac Lungu
