Installment 1 of "Stuff-about.com's BETTER YOURSELF SERIES".
By Africanlegend.
1. The Popped collar.
Many a Dbag will wear a brightly colored polo golf shirt and flagrantly raise collars in an attempt to display their Douchebaggery. While this will mercifully let the world know what you are and what you stand for, it is not going to make you stand out in your profession. Why wear one collared shirt when you can wear 2 or 3, or even 7? Wear multiple popped collars and have them flare out from your neck like a peacock's feathers. Don't just make the colors soft pinks or yellows; make them, fluorescent-tly flagrant colors like: Lime green, Chartreuse, electric lime or Tangerine yellow. Stand out from the pack, be unique.
2. Bluetooth headsets.
As proven by Stuff-about.com's earlier study (Bluetooth Headset post), the bluetooth headset, despite its convenient application and use is the ultimate symbol of douchebaggery. Why stop at the simple headset though? Get two bluetooth headsets for two separate phones and walk around double-connected. In fact, you should write to Motorola and ask them to create a bluetooth all purpose, all weather helmet headset so that you can even wear it while playing sports or operating heavy machinery.
3. Tans, Hair and Accessories.
Many Dbags will invest time and energy into tanning, hair styles and accessories. Don't waste your time with a real tan, a speedier way would be to subject yourself to dangerous UV rays at a tanning salon on a daily basis. Do not over do the tanning or you risk getting skin cancer (see: skin cancer pictures) so make sure you are adept at identifying skin cancer signs before they become serious and ultimately prove fatal. You can further stand out from the crowd by making your tan look as obnoxiously and orange as possible. Buy fake tanning cream, preferably from a bodega or a corner store, and smear away until you glow like a radio active tool. Spritz your hair, make it stand up like you have been recently electrocuted. It is also essential that you do not forget to wear your fitted cap with all the stickers still on it and a white or black “wife beater”. However, no Dbag outfit is complete without the patented “Kanye West Felony Dbag Aviators” with optional microphone, available at a Dbag outlet near you.
I disagree! If there is one case where I say strip a human being of ALL civil liberties it is this!!
4. Weight lifting.
As a Dbag, you probably believe the bigger you are the better? Don't waste you time in the gym 9 days a week, 29 hours a day. Simply purchase size enhancing, genitalia shrinking, steroids similar to the ones used by the Major League Baseball (MLB) Dbags in the USA; Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, A-Rod and Mark McGuire to name just a few. Make a rapid transition from a skinny Dbag into a “Roid” enhanced, top grade” Dbag. Ideally you should become so big, that a gust of wind would be able to topple you over and render you helplessly unable to stand up without the assistance of heavy machinery.
5. Communication.
Most Dbags are raucous by nature and intelligible only to a small extent. They could perhaps be compared to Neanderthals or other descendants of Homo Sapiens. There is no need to be intelligible if you plan to perfect your well crafted art. Don't bother making any sense. And whatever you do, make sure you use your vocal cords to the fullest extent at the highest decibel level just like Samuel L Jackson or his protégé Mekhi Phifer would do. Shout at the top of your voice and give everyone an itinerary of exactly how much you drank tonight, how much it cost, where you drank it and with whom. Be specific after all the whole world wants to know. Here's an example:
“Hey, hey, hey, mother f^&k*rs....dude I am so f#$ked up and wasted man!!! I had: 10 shots of vodka, 19 shots of Jager, 29 beers and 5 kegs at my frat party...because my frat it totally AWESOME!!! Dude it cost like 23 million dollars......) to innocent black by stander) what's up brothhhhhaaaaaaaaa Where are the chicks at?????!!!!!!!”
6. The Feminine Dbag.
You have already mastered the art of accompanying your lady friends and making their night out miserable. You are proficient at warding off potential suiters, being a complete party pooper or having “Permanent PMS Syndrome” or PPS. Don't stop there, you can do better than that! Believe in yourself. Purchase a bow and arrow and instead of making mean, sly comments to males you want to drive away from your friends, just save yourself the energy and pick them off one by one with the bow and arrow like Legolas in the movie “Lord of the Rings”. In addition to that, don't just be negative and force your friends to go home with you, get them kicked out of the bar. Blindside the Bouncer and land a hay making punch to his face rendering him unconscious. When he wakes up minutes later, point at your group of friends. That way you all get to go home and be miserable together.
