By K.H Maclean.
Yo Lesbos! Announce Yourselves!
Is that title a little inappropriate? Well so is leading a guy on in flirtatious conversation when all along your only intentions were to go out later that night to Shenanigans with your girlfriend.
Time after time I’ll be chilaxin’ somewhere, like the library, or in my car listening to NPR, or the DMV and this pretty little minx will come strutting up in some low-cut top and very uncomfortable shoes and start vibing my sauce. It would typically play out like this:
11:30 AM - She comes up to me in her sexy little librarian glasses and ask me something like, “Excuse me, is this the end of the line?”
11:31 AM - I shoot some smooth jive back like, “No, it’s around the corner by the guy with the coffee.”
2:05 PM - I go out to my car to leave and I accidentally scratch the car next to me and it’s not hers but this really crazy roided-out dude’s.
2:45-5:25 PM – I ultimately meet the owner of the vehicle and he gets all pissed off (probably cause of the roids) and starts to beat the shit out of me for what seems like an eternity, but I’m able to cover up my face. After that he starts to cry because of chemical imbalances brought on by the roids and so he leaves.
5:30 PM – I run into the hot librarian chick again and she runs over to me to make sure I’m okay. And I’m not okay, my hands hurt, my ribs hurt, my stomach hurts, and I probably have internal bleeding, but I stand up and say “I’m okay.” And she believes me cause my face doesn’t look all messed up, cause I protected it.
5:35 PM - She volunteers to take me to the hospital but I say, “I’ll be fine, I just need some coffee.” So we go to Starbucks even though I don’t even like coffee but it’s a good non-threatening place to meet women.
5:45 PM - While we’re there I make some joke about how you never see any Hispanics in Starbucks and she laughs, which is good, because now I know that I can push the envelope with my humor and be a little offensive around her without worrying about her freaking out.
6:30 PM – We end up walking back to the DMV when she just out of nowhere says, “Hey you wanna go out to a party or something?” I’m about to pass out from the internal bleeding but I say yes because I think this might be going somewhere, you know?
9:30 PM - We end up walking around looking for a place. First we go to a bar. The bar scene is kind of lame but we don’t know if we should stick around and see if it gets better or leave, so we sort of just hang out at this place while like a group of 10 or 12 sort of ugly people hump on the dance floor. Not like troll under the bridge ugly, but enough to make you feel much better about your own face.
11:00 PM – 3:45 AM - We finally leave and wander around, until we end up finding this awesome block party over near the park and we’re there until 3 AM. Then she comes over to me and tells me she has this huge craving for Mexican food. So we go to this 24-hour place a few blocks away I know about.
4:00 AM - Crunch time. I ask he if she wants to come back to my place and she turns me down cause she says she needs to work early tomorrow (even though we’re already out at 4 AM, okay…) But she tells me her name and gives me her phone #.
4:30 AM - I get home, and just before I collapse from all the internal bleeding, I look this chick up on Facebook and find out what? That she’s a lesbian!
Man, now see that is the exact kind of scenario I want to avoid. I mean, where in this story was I supposed to have any clue that this dame was lezzing it up with me all night? And if I had a dime for every time this played out, it wouldn’t begin to pay for all the hospital bills I’ve accumulated.
I’m not asking for the ladies to wear signs around their necks declaring their sexual orientation that day depending on their mood. All I want is a little fair notice. Like, if you’re a hot lesbian*, “Hi my name is so-and-so, I’m a lesbian. Wanna go to a block party?”
That way I can say. “Hey, you seem cool and all but, you know, I just got beat up pretty bad and I think I’m gonna go ahead and go straight to the hospital, thanks.”
That’s all I’m asking for here.
*If you’re not a hot lesbian, don’t speak to me at all.
