By Sparklingjem.
Real Lesbians are becoming more and more difficult to distinguish from straight girls. The main reasons for this are that firstly, since a real lesbian despises males they may enjoy tormenting them by occasionally masquerading as a single, available, straight woman from time to time. (Diary of a concerned citizen Lesbos Announce thyselves). Secondly, while real lesbians hate men, men often find lesbians attractive and as a result, straight girls often "lesb-it-up" in order to seem more appealing. Despite this, there are a few key give aways which make it easy to spot the fake lesbians from the real lesbians.
Music.
The type of music a girl likes always sets apart the real lesbians from the fakers. Real lesbians only like obscure feminist singers and groups no straight person has ever heard of. Examples of this are Ani Difranco, Teagn and Sara and Indigo Girls. Straight girls who are lesb-ing –it-up will be listening to commercial lesbian music such as Tatu and Kate Perry. If she is walking around singing “I kissed a girl and I liked it” she is NOT a real lesbian.
Her nails.
While it is untrue that all lesbians are unattractive and do not take any pride in their appearances, they have dispensed of a number of the more moronic female practices. This is because lesbians have an extremely vigorous natural selection process prior to initiation to ensure only the strongest most intelligent lesbians survive. One of these is having long nails which is an entirely impractical practice and unsuitable for any woman who actually does things other than putting make-up on. If her nails are longer than the top of her fingers she is definitely not a lesbian, she is just pretending.
AL: I know Ani DiFranco! Maybe I am Lesbian!
The "Lesbian Manual."
Yes there is one. However, if she is carrying around the 685 page booklet containing everything a lesbian should know about how to be one and during your conversation pages through it to find appropriate responses to your questions, then she is NOT a real lesbian. Real lesbians read the manual during initiation, BEFORE they come out and they know all the answers by heart. They only carry the Mini Manual of Lesbian Essentials which is a small 20 page booklet, containing among other things, a short version of the lesbian karma sutra and advice on ways to confuse Straight Men.
Her diet.
Most lesbians are vegetarian. It is a lifestyle choice that the International Association of Lesbionics decided on in a universal conference early in the 70’s where they settled all essential aspects of lesbian life at the time. Times have changed of course. As of the “Lipstick Lesbian rebellion” of 1983, lesbians are allowed to wear their hair long but unstyled in addition to the more customary short and spiked. But when it comes to what they eat, lesbians everywhere have remained committed to the ideals of vegetarianism while still appreciating things like cheese and chocolate. If she is a vegan she’s trying too hard to appear lesbian and isn’t really aware of the Laws of Lesbionics which are taught to all new lesbians in a top secret class given by Ellen after they have been initiated and sworn into the Lesbian sisterhood.If you are still unsure invite her on a wilderness survival camp. If she is a lesbian she will jump at the chance and she will make it obvious in the first 5 minutes that she is a lesbian by building a luxury camp complete with running water and working showers with nothing but a pen knife and some matches. This is a skill which all lesbians must possess to survive the two weeks alone in the wilderness prior to their initiation. It does not mean she has been in the military which is a common misconception when it comes to lesbians.
