By Sparklingjem.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
December brings adoration and attention from others. Do not get carried away. It is only that they have suddenly realized, in the light of your impending birthday, how absurdly old you are, despite your many attempts to ignore it. You could try to convince them that you are not yet at death's door, but it would be better to take advantage of the situation and do a few things you have always wanted to do. Jumping out of aeroplanes and other extreme sports are a good idea because if you die your loved ones are already prepared for it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Many past indiscretions are likely to come up to haunt you this month through enforced contact with family members. Console yourself with the thought that you were only 21 when you did that disastrous nude ABBA tribute concert that Great Aunt Mabel loves to bring up. In addition to that, be thankful that no one in your family witnessed your humiliating attempt at cabaret the following year.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A large bearded stranger is set to come into your life this month and bring gifts. Unfortunately he may arrive late due to transportation problems, so make arrangements around this; be warned he may not be in the most jovial of moods due to flooding in his home town.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Career decisions move to the forefront this month as you set off on a new venture. Try to redefine your goals on a daily or hourly basis so that you do not get distracted by the strangely attractive plant you have been given for your new office. You may find that it wants more from you than you are willing to give, so suggest that one of your underlings be given the task of feeding it, preferably one you don’t like much.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are likely to find yourself extremely attracted to foreigners during this month so plan a vacation to Holland or, if you are looking for a more permanent relationship, ask your friends to club together for a mail order bride from Russia as a Christmas present.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fabulous month full of support and help popping up just when you need it from unlikely places such as your usually inanimate broom and other household appliances. Don’t be too alarmed, it is merely that the “Luck Spell” you ordered last year has finally arrived in the post and you are reaping the benefits of it. 
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In the middle of the month Pluto will move into your sign, but because it is no longer a planet nothing will happen.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The lunar eclipse on the last day of this month means that something fateful is about to come into fulfillment. Avoid making any sort of decisions and try to read the signs. This is not a time to defy the stars as tragic death awaits anyone who does, unless of course tragic death is your fate in which case it makes no difference either way.
Leo (23 July – August 22)
Due to Mars turning retrograde towards the end of the month, your Christmas season looks set to be full of angst and tension. You may find yourself becoming irrationally angry at the 5 story snowmen outside your neighbor's gate. However as your creativity also is increased this month, use it to channel your anger into something creative. Who knows you may begin a movement of angry Christmas art which could bring you fame and fortune.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Mercury is stationary in your sign for a very brief point this month which will lead to a minuscule breakdown in communications. Unfortunately this will lead Intelligence Agencies, through a series of misunderstandings, to become obsessed with your affairs. Make sure you have all business documents backed up safely and make contingency plans in case you mysteriously disappear.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Next year is going to be chaotic due to Saturn turning retrograde in January, so this month is all about regrouping and preparing. It is too early to know what obstacles you will face in the new year, so make sure you are well prepared. Stock up on everything from medieval armour, in case of time travel, to laser guns, in case of alien invasion. Don't forget to build inventories of Nic Naks and cockroaches, as they are the only protein rich food supplies which are guaranteed survive in an all out nuclear war.
(Scorpio October 23 – November 21)
This month you will be swept up by your emotions. Alas, try not to put too much starry-eyed faith in love as you could be unwittingly expecting too much from mere mortals. Rather dedicate yourself to devotion of sculptures; although they have no feelings they remain constant.
Stuff-About.com's quad-weekly Horror-scope: Christmas Edition.
9:56 AM
Isaac Lungu
