Africanlegend seeks to Clarify 'Arrest a Negro' post, Praises White Policeman.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a surprising turn of events Africanlegend has issued a statement of apology for his controversial article entitled “Arrest a Negro Coupon”. The article sent a ripple of mixed reactions across the Internet. “I wish to apologize to all the offended Negros and the equivalently but unnecessarily upset Caucasians.” A tearful Africanlegend also conceded that he may have unnecessarily stirred up the racial boiling pot and caused race relations to regress 5 to 10 years. This apology came on the back of President Obama's presidential apology based on the same incident.

Africanlegend went on to clarify that he in no way intended to malign the Cambridge police force. He mentioned that he had recently had a phone conversation with a Cambridge police officer who felt that he was part of an outstanding police force committed to stamping out crime regardless of race. “They are doing a great job! It is unfortunate that my article did not convey that point. In fact I found out the officer involved in the Cambridge incident has a great record on racial sensitivity. He currently has a record of 66 legitimate arrests to just 16 racist ones, which would be a record good enough to even make the NBA playoffs!”

Africanlegend indicated that he felt this situation was blown out of proportion. “The media has been ratcheting this up. I understand even I have contributed to ratcheting it up. I must admit I could have calibrated my words differently.” These were Africanlegend's words as a barrage of press stood on his front lawn killing the grass he had worked to cultivate for almost a year. He went on to suggest that we should all see this as a teachable moment and instead of pumping up the volume we need to improve the relationship between minorities and police.

Unfortunately, before the interview's conclusion Cambridge police arrived on the scene. Apparently a neighbor had noticed there was a black man with a backpack giving a press conference on the lawn next door. Africanlegend fled the scene of the crime as any shrewd Negro would do in such a situation.

Arrest a Negro Coupon!

Cambridge, MA, United States.
"Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., one of the nation's pre-eminent African-American scholars, was arrested Thursday afternoon at his home by Cambridge police investigating a possible break-in..." (Full Story) I did a little digging around and found this coupon...DISTURBING I TELL YOU!!

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&

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Beware of imitations. If its not provided by Cambridge Police its not the original "Arrest a Negro Program!"

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The banning of married people from bars: The Susan Crown Laws.

In Cambridge Massachusetts, lawmakers are trying to push through a bill that would prevent married men and women from attending the same bars as single citizens. The enacted laws would be named the "Susan Crown Laws". The bill is anticipated to be passed through Congress before this year's summer recess at the end of July. This provision would mandate the creation of bars specifically for married people. These laws would enforce "de jure segregation" in all bars, with "separate but equal" facilities provided for both parties. Law makers are fashioning this current bill on the immensely successful Jim Crow Laws enacted between 1876 and 1965 in the US which provided separate but equal facilities for African American and White Americans alike. Lawmaker John O'Tool was quoted to have said, "it worked well! The US now has separate and for the most part equal schools, public places and public transportation. I mean I wouldn't personally send my child to an inner city school but that's mainly because I simply don't like black people."

There is a mixed response to the current bill. Isaac of Cambridge, MA was very excited at the possibility of this bill claiming that he felt married women contaminated his pool of options. "I think it is false advertising! If they want to come to bars they should at least have a branding mark or carry a black book to let us know!" said an irate Isaac.

There are definitely a few who disagree (mostly married)."This is a basic violation of my rights as a person. Just because I am married does not mean I'm toxic! It's not like I don't have a huge shiny ring on my finger. If he can't tell I'm married, he needs to work on his game. He is the problem!" This coming from an equally irate but thoroughly married Cambridge resident, originally from Connecticut.

There is much controversy as to the outcome of this bill. Some say it will bring simplicity back to the bar scene while others feel it is a violation of married people's right to party as mentioned in the Constitution of the United States of America.

...I will keep you informed on the progress of this controversial bill...

Universal Scale of Ugliness: "Fair"

(See the Universal Scale of Ugliness)

It is extremely important that you quickly come to terms with the average nature of your existence. A good phrase to describe you would be “six of one half a dozen of the other” or "Apples, Peas Carrots" or even simpler "eh". People will find it very difficult to decipher whether or not you are on the attractive side of the cut-off point or on the side that leads to the abyss of grotesquery. Truth be told if you try really hard it will likely push you in a positive direction. Be prepared to see people looking at you from different angles with different special effects in an attempt to ascertain your aggregate attractiveness. So do not be surprised if someone circles you with a flashlight flicking it on and off scanning you while simultaneously adjusting the light. You should determine your best angle via a loyal friend. Try to face people in social situations to give them that vantage point .i.e if your most flattering angle is from a birds eye view then gently lean forward showing the top of your head at all times to maximize attractiveness. You do not have to worry you will be acceptable to most people's parents. It might be the case that peoples' animals may occasionally bark, hiss or sneer at you but your general impact will be pleasant. You will hear very few positive compliments about non-intelligence related things but on the same token you will not receive bad ones. You are like the guy that finishes position 100 in a marathon. Although you have done well you will not receive honorable mention. It goes without saying that your investment in intelligence, humor and a kind, giving heart will prove to be the key to your survival. If you act the fool, people will say, “I don't know what gives them the right to act like that they aren't even THAT hot.” My point is everything will be ok if you excel as a person and bring joy into the lives of others.

Chance of being successful: 55%

Personality: Generally sunny disposition, pleasant.

Chance of Marriage: 75 %

Chance of divorce: 15 %

COMING SOON: The Universal Scale of Ugliness: "CHARISMATIC"!!!!!

Can't we give Obama a break???

January 20, 2009, the USA elected its first black president. It had to be a small miracle for this to actually happen. People kept uttering the phrase, “the United States of America is not ready for a black president.” They behaved as if a black president would descend upon the masses bringing with him locusts, hail, incurable boils and a whole assortment of divine plagues. Some even thought that he would bring “Hip hop Tuesdays” and “Thirsty Thursdays” to the White House. In that case, I'd say yes the United States probably wasn't ready. However, Obama is actually a brilliant man. He is inspirational, eloquent, handsome, intelligent etc. He even had a white mother which provided him with the Caucasian stamp of approval. Obama's wonderful attributes and the fact that Bush decimated white people's confidence in their own ability to run a country caused a landslide victory. Obama was given his chance to make a difference right?

NOOO!! It has only been six months and I heard some irate person say “I voted for Obama and he has done nothing..nothing!”. What did people expect would happen? That the heavens would open and he'd come down on a chariot of fire and take his loyal followers to Zion? Obama is a brilliant guy not a superhero? He has no x-ray vision, cannot fly, has no super strength. He can't even rap!! What he can do is make policies that take time to implement. Not to mention the opposition party would disagree with him even if he were to suggest that we all breathe oxygen. Give the man a chance! I believe Bush was playing golf and x-box 360 six months into his presidency. At some coffee shops, the employees are still in training after six months. The job of dealing with the nuclear armament of North Korea should not be held in equal measure to the process of making the perfect chocolate latte. I guess this is what happens when black guy gets the job. “Come on Negro you've had six months to warm up, now end the Middle East crisis!!!!!!” CAN'T WE JUST GIVE A BROTHER A BREAK???

"Hot Foreign Chick"

I found a funny video on "Themaninthebox" show on youtube and I thought I'd share it with you. I wonder if ladies genuinely do not see what we are up to or perhaps just ignore it and appreciate the attention assualt. This clip is a snap shot of a strange reality where men acquire new skills and knowledge at lightning speeds just to impress women. Well enough said! Enjoy the video and look for more of their stuff on their youtube channel.

Cheers!

9 tips for successful slacking!

Now folks these are my trade secrets! Ordinarily you'd have to pay for this or I'd have to kill you or a combination of the two. If you ever want your boss to think you are working tirelessly then this is right up your alley!

1. Aggressive typing. When your boss walks by start hammering at your keyboard while looking intensely at the screen. Ignore all external stimuli until they walk by.

2. Filing Frenzy. You will need to pull a few files out of your cabinet and set them beside your table. As soon as the boss walks your way, get up and begin to file them where you originally got them. You will look productive.

3. Refuel. Keep a depleted cup of coffee on your table. When you see the big boss coming, get up and go and refill. Coffee is the fuel of productivity. Also remember to throw in a cheesy line like, “hey hey hey jet fuel!”

4. Stress out. Stress out about something. Or rather, perfect the act of looking stressed out. Grit teeth, place your hands on your head, smack your head into the table, throw a stapler across the room. The boss will think you are stressed out because of all your hard work and commitment.

5. Be Mr/Mrs Efficient. Pick an employee you dislike. Let us call that person Lesley. Make up a task you have to do and go tell the boss you are almost done but you are just waiting for Lesley's part (genius I know!).

6. Excel in all things! Transfer information into Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet. If you get any information simply transfer it to an Excel Spreadsheet. You will look smart and organized. Plus you can show off to the boss by showing them a pie chart of employee attendance by department at bowling night.

7. Fake Phone calls. A phone call is a sign of industry. Call your best friend and when the boss walks by, talk about how you need a TPS report ASAP or PRONTO. ASAP and PRONTO are good Caucasian words to use in this instance.

8. The PDF monster. Print out a document in ADOBE pdf format. It will take dog years to actually print and you will seem industrious. This is also a perfect time to use technique 3 and get more coffee for the two hit combo.

9. Re-organize. Stand up, dash out of the room and return with a huge box. The box should contain material associated with productivity like: staplers, calendars, paper clips, baseball bats etc. You decided to “re-organize” your desk and improve efficiency.

Well there you go. Use em don't abuse em!! Happy Slacking!!

Vocabulary "Coconut"

Also referred to as an “Oreo” or an “Uncle Tom” in some cases. A coconut is a name given to any black person who masquerades as a Caucasian. This may begin as a slight attraction to the Caucasian lifestyle, but eventually the psychosis becomes so deeply embedded that the coconut begins to believe they are actually white.

The coconut may decide various things like: not to date black people anymore, look down on black people or develop a broiling distaste for rap music. The coconut often experiences a mid life crisis when some cataclysmic event causes them to come face to face with their own blackness. Coconuts can be easily identified. Look for a group of Caucasians with a solitary black individual in the group. The coconut will often speak exactly like the Caucasians and wear a sweater. They may also often be found singing some classic Caucasian hits like, "pour some sugar on me" by Def Lepard.

10 signs she's JUST not into you.

Ok guys! No more excuses for being sketchy and behaving like a stalker! I have consulted with my panel of aggravated female experts and we came up with 10 signs that tell you that SHE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU!

1. Bathroom Break away: Her friends keep showing up every time you talk to her and drag her away to the bathroom. This is no coincidence, especially if this happens every time you try to talk to her! Her bladder is not that small!

2. The Gauntlet: You are in a crowd and try to approach her and mysteriously all her friends approach you and try to "get to know you" better. Chances are they are giving her time to pull a Houdini and disappear. At the end of the gauntlet you find only archaeological evidence she was ever there.

3. The ignore button: When you call her, her phone goes to voice mail after 4-6 rings. It takes about 2 rings for your phone to connect and about 1-2 for her to react. So chances are she hit the "ignore button" man, sorry. You could leave a message or just come to terms with the fact that she is just not into you.

4. Forgetting: She makes plans with you then pretends to have forgotten. When you think of her brain...think "elephant brain".

5. I'll just go ahead and reschedule: She cancels plans frequently. Females have a hierarchy of people and plans. In this instance you are probably just in her lowest tier. Anything that comes up will result in a cancellation. Even re-run of old Steven Seagal movies.

6. The "1 step": Every girl has a personal space. If you take one step towards her and she takes 1 step away, it's not really a dance, its more like she just aint into you. If she really dislikes you, she may even do this subconsciously even if you are not in the same room or even in the same state for that matter.

7. Friend request pending: If you continuously friend request her and you get no response, there is no Facebook malfunction!! She's ALWAYS online!. In fact she was probably on when you requested her saying, "not this jackass again!"

8. Mr perfectly not you: If her description of her perfect man is directly opposite to you. For example if you are a short, red headed, Irish male and she says, "I just wanna meet a tall, black, muscular, NBA player that doesn't eat potatoes." I think the writing is on the wall buddy.

9. Humor me!: She doesn't laugh at your jokes. It has nothing to do with your actual jokes. You are probably not funny anyhow. If she likes you, she will laugh, its flirtatious. If she always has THE look on her face. The one that makes her look as if she is in a concentration camp then you should reconsider things.

10. Superotherman: She keeps talking about another guy like he is a superhero i.e. he's funnier than you, smarter than you, he has x-ray vision, he can fly etc. She may not dislike you, but you are probably the designated gay friend (DGF). You have zero sexual threat (sad I know).

It's all about being yourself! However, there are some interesting books you can read to make sure you aren't missing the "elusive obvious". Below are some helpful ebooks I recommend having a look at.

COMING SOON: "You know he's not into you stop trying!!" TBA

The Universal Scale of Ugliness: "Cute"

See the Universal Scale of Ugliness Illustration

What does it mean to be cute???This is probably the most disputed term in my patented Universal Scale of Ugliness. While cute is the epitome of mediocrity on my scale, it does not necessarily mean that. For example, if a female calls a male cute, she is likely expressing substantial interest in him. If a guy calls a girl cute, he may simply be saying that she is not irreconcilably ugly. Poised with needing to have a stance in this instance, I think I will go with “ugly but interesting” as an adequate definition. If you are cute, it is likely that you are not conventionally attractive. In fact you may even be unattractive, but in such a uniquely distinctive way that you may fool some people into thinking otherwise.

In environments with inebriating substances you may be elevated to “pretty” or even “hot” depending on how much alcohol is consumed and how lighted the area is. However, your best bet is to hang around people long enough so that you become more attractive by atrophy. This is because cute individuals are the number one beneficiaries of “cabin fever syndrome” which is the process by which individuals begin to look more attractive due to confinement or serious over exposure. You stand no chance without a decent personality so read lots of books and make google search your BFF for life. You will do well to invest in some kind of tangible skill such as juggling, singing, cooking or cold water ice fishing. Your best weapon is longevity; stick around and you will prevail or worst case scenario your love interest will die of old age.

Scorecard

Chance of being successful: 65%

Personality: Must have great personality and assorted interesting skills.

Chance of Marriage: 88 %

Chance of divorce: 25 %

COMING SOON: The Universal Scale of Ugliness: "FAIR"!!!!!