“Jungle Fever” is the title given to an inter-racial relationship between a white person and a black person. Jungle Fever is an epidemic sweeping through civilization at an alarming rate. This is due to the fact that Caucasians sub-consciously realize that black genes are key to human survival and progress. Latest statistics indicate that a staggering 3 in every 5 white girls suffer from Jungle Fever as compared to 2 in every 4 white males. In a recent survey 8 out of 6 black males admitted to being interested in white females. Black women, unless of mixed race, or from Connecticut, showed little or no interest in white males. There is no cure for Jungle Fever and once affected, one remains a carrier for the rest of their life. As a survivor and carrier of this deadly disease, I have prepared a list of the symptoms so you can catch it early. So here are some signs that you may have Jungle Fever.

1. You are at your all white thanksgiving gathering and all you can think about is turning down your black co-workers invitation to his family BBQ. You are thinking of your preference for fried chicken over turkey and your affinity for water melon and loud, crazed families.


2. You have stopped watching shows like "Friends", "Seinfeld" and "Darma and Greg". All of a sudden, you are obsessed with UPN and BET. All you watch are shows like: "The Steve Harvey Show", "The Jaime Fox show" and "106 and Park with Terrence & Rocsi".


3. You are a white female. There is a show with numerous shirtless white guys and you decide this is the appropriate time to get up, go to the bathroom and refresh. When you see a shirtless black man, you transfix yourself and will kick, bite, scratch and pepper spray anyone that gets in your way.


4. You are a white male and you have developed a secret obsession with Beyonce, Rihanna and Ciara. You play their CD's on low volume, but when your white co-workers bust in, you quickly switch back to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.


5. You are black but you have adopted “white-cessories” or “white wear”. You are now wearing the patented blue and white striped dress shirt, the polo shirt (possibly triple popped collar), Khaki pants, Quicksilver Sandals and other various “white-cessories”. You dress for the women you want, so being a coconut is your approach.


6. You are a white girl but you have developed an affinity for Hip-Hop; Bad Hip-Hop that is. Instead of working hard at work, you listen to hip hop mix tapes and practice the “Stanky Leg” all day.


7. You are a black male and think it is possible for a woman to be too fat.


8. You are a white individual at an all white party. You are bored and cower away in the corner because you have nothing to say to those people. One black person walks in and you immediately rush towards them. You have no regard for anyone standing in your way. You pull spin moves, club people, and elbow children just to get to them.


9. You are white. The proper conduct of a white person is to be prompt, reliable and on time. All of a sudden, not only are you unreliable and late all the time, but you love it. Even if you are running on time, you stop to chat with random strangers just to make yourself late for work.


10. Although you know it is taboo, you begin to develop such a familiarity with Black culture that you begin to refer to black people as, “brothers” or “sisters”, eventually trying to work your way up to using “nigga”. One day you actually use “nigga” and you are appropriately beaten and left on on the street corner.

Remember, there is no cure! “Once you go black you never turn back” and “Once you go white you go straight back to black”. If you feel that you might be suffering from Jungle Fever, contact your nearest racist center for support and counseling.

ORRRRRRR!!!

Just enjoy it and sing the song!! JUNGLE FEVER – STEVIE WONDER


Are you failing with women? Are you wearing your failure like a heavy blanket on a hot day? The issue is not that you fail, it is why you fail! In order to change, you must run a diagnostic on your game. I have prepared a short survey that you should administer to a woman after you unsuccessfully flirt with her. Unsuccessful flirting may include anything from: failure to obtain a number, casual disinterest, being spat on, slapped or pepper sprayed. Below is an example of a completed survey. The identities of the individuals involved have been omitted for security reasons.(oh and its not me!)

Post Flirtation Survey:
Administered by: %^&#canlegend

1) What was your first impression of me?


A) Handsome and Approachable

B) Moderate looking but intriguing

C) No recorded social impact

D) Sketchy
E) A Raging Douchbag!


Answer: I was immediately put off by your triple popped collar and blindingly cheap jewelry you had on. In addition to that, wearing sun glasses at 1143pm is a poor choice. You also had a Bluetooth Headset which is universally accepted as the symbol of Douchbaggery. So I'd have to go with D “Ragging Douchbag”. That's my final answer.


2) What did you think of my pickup line?

Answer: If my self-esteem had not been brutally crushed earlier in the night I'd run for the hills. "Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?" is not the best pick up line in the world. You don't really want to make the girl feel like a prostitute.


3) If you gave me a score out of ten for how interesting the conversation was what would it be?


Answer: I have to give you credit for the most part. You brought up great things about classic books, poems and politics. You lost your way when you started talking about the chemical composition of Diarrhea. I have never explicitly had the desire to know such a fact. You should also have taken into consideration the fact that I was eating Shepard's Pie at the time. I will give you a 6/10.


4) Any tips or advice you can offer me for future flirtations?


Answer: Brush your teeth next time. Especially if you intend on invading people's personal space. Also, definitely invest in a shower next time. Just masking your odor with "Axe" body spray should only be used in the most desperate of situations. Also don't hit on all my friends before you get to me....yeah I saw that!


5) Do you have any sisters or friends that are single and available. If so, please list their phone numbers in descending order from greatest chance to least.


Answer:


My sister Susie (6098975678)

I really hate my sister so I'd love to recommend you to her.

My cousin Lauren (7899033567)

She is on the heavy side but you are black so i am sure you might appreciate more “cushion for the pushin”.


My BFF Kate (6789565601)

Kate is my BFF. I am really in love with her BF so if you can distract her for a short while I'll be able to steal him.

The options were:
- A backwards baseball hat with the tag still on.

- A single or double popped collar.

- A Bluetooth Headset.

- Excessive Bling.


An overwhelming 39% of respondents chose the BLUETOOTH HEADSET as the pinnacle and exemplar of Douchbaggery. The important question is why? The answer is likely that it violates social norms that were put in place many generations ago. The Bluetooth Headset has disrupted social harmony by bringing doubt as to whether someone in public is actually talking to you or not. These days you may end up responding to someone's salutations only to find that the Douchbag is having a conversation with his friend about last week's keg party. They are describing how they slept with everybody at the party and how they drank quantities of alcohol large enough to intoxicate a small whale. That or a plethora of topics nobody is really interested in hearing about. To add to that, the device itself often has a blue light that continuously flashes making it almost like a beacon or signal for approaching Douchbaggery.


The beauty of the Bluetooth Headset is that it represents equal opportunity Douchbaggery. You are a Douchbag if you wear one regardless of gender, age, race, religion or physical disability. This is unlike the popped collar which black people seem to get away with for some reason. The Bluetooth Headset is used by everyone from the cocky business man to urban black youth aspiring to be rappers and professional athletes some day. If you think black people are noisy on the phone as is, wait till they are afforded the ability to use their hands to dramatize the outrageously loud story they are telling.


My conclusion is that unless you are driving, looking after 11 kids, juggling 5 apples and 3 oranges while playing Seeing Eye Dog for a blind man, you should be using your hands to operate a cellular phone. Put the phone by your ear so it is clear to the rest of the world that you are in a conversation on the phone and not addressing us.


SOOOO.......Stop being a D-bag and take off the headpiece!

Hmmm..maybe i'll actually get one??.....

LOOK OUT FOR NEXT WEEK'S POLL!!

This is a male bodily response to the female Menstrual Cycle. It developed over time as a result of natural selection. Males that talked too much, tried to act tough or tried to reason with women during the latter stages of their Menstrual Cycle slowly began to die out. Some were officially documented as deceased and others mysteriously disappeared while a small minority resurfaced years later unable to function effectively as males.

“Man-struation” begins shortly before the Menstrual Phase of the female Menstrual Cycle. It begins with the over-production of Serotonin hormone. This is to sedate the male should the female inevitably pick a nonsensical fight with him. It is designed to counteract the Testosterone he may produce in response to conflict and cause him to concede the dispute. In addition to that, signals from the Medula Oblongota cause a stiffening of the jaw muscles and this causes the male to speak less. The male also slips into Autopilot mode. This involves the shutting down of basic bodily functions to survive any onslaught of words from the female.

The male will also produce various hormones that will cause him to want to be more active, do sports, and hang out with his friends for greater periods of time. This is an abstinence based response of protection from the female. It is more affective than the aforementioned contraceptive based responses, which are often subject to human error.

The ritual of dating appears to have evolved into a parody of foolish do's and don'ts. However, I have been on a few dates and certain things can definitely kill a date off faster than bleach kills bacteria. So here is a list of common date killers. I can personally attest to the effectiveness of some of them.

1. Madame Picksalot:
Nothing induces the turn off mechanism more than an individual who is unreasonably picky about activities or food on a date. I once went on a date with a girl who ordered a burger, then proceeded to surgically strip it apart till just a naked burger patty remained. I asked her why she just didn't just order a steak? Fact is, a person like that will likely pick YOU apart soon enough.

2. Damsel and Depressed: Not that people don't want to hear your issues, problems and challenges, but for heavens sake just not on a first date! The reason is simple, people don't really care enough at that stage. Baring your soul on a first date is equivalent to listening to a homeless beggar's life story that you just met the street. So if you ignore my advice and choose to bare your life story on a first date you may as well go flat out and bring a cup and beg your date for spare change.

3. Mr and Mrs late: Unless you are African or Black there is really no good reason for you to fail to arrive on time for a date. It comes across as a lack of enthusiasm as well as a lack of respect for your date. It is also nerve racking for the person waiting because there is always the thought that they may get stood up dwelling in the back of their mind. Alone, in a room with people watching, nervous anticipation. That sounds remarkably like awaiting execution sitting in an electric chair.

4. Enough about me let's talk about ME: Guys there is nothing that's more of a turn off than talking about yourself all night. Most females will agree that this can become rather annoying. This is because you are denying them the opportunity to talk about themselves all night. There is a balance. Women use up to 20000 words per day and while men use approximately 7000. So don't upset the balance by yapping nonsense continuously like a republican radio talk show host.

5. Why let facts get in the way of a good story: It is tempting to lie about yourself because you want to look understanding, funny, easy going, compassionate, chill and the rest of the more favorable traits. However anything you hide will slowly be unraveled in time. So if you think killing animals and burying them in your garden is a fun activity, you’d best convey that information up front. After all, even a potential serial killer can find love.

6. Beer muscles! Of course you may be nervous and a calming drink before hand may help. However to have an 18 pack of Milwaukee's Best and 9 shots of Jack Daniels whiskey is unacceptable! The drunken asshole has poor control of their behavior. It's also a disingenuous representation of oneself and slightly cowardly. Unless you found out an hour before that your date was in fact “Swamp Thing”, there one million good reasons to be sober and sharp witted.

7. Casanova: I believe looking at the opposite sex is a natural human behavior pattern so my advice in this case is “JUST DON’T GET CAUGHT!”! Ladies, you have cleavage and other assets to distract a man while you take a quick peak at Dr McDreamy. Guys, you will have to show more guile and create some kind of diversion to momentarily distract her. You can try screaming out, “Oh my God it's David Hasselhof!!!! [take a quick peak] false alarm sorry!”)

8. The g-chatterbox: There is really no need to be on g-chat, text, aim or any one of those variants during a date. People have forgotten that it's actually rude to excessively text a bunch of people while you are socially interacting. It's like having a third person in the room and one of you is whispering back and forth with them. So tell your BFF that AAR8 you are NF2T ATM so B4N and you will BRB in a minute HAK. (Aim Acronym Dictionary).

9. The Spare Wheel: I actually think that I may question the sanity of the friend that actually agrees to do this. The original idea is foolish, but the friend must actually approve of the idea and physically follow through. What do they intend to do? Take their place if all goes array? Jump up and club the date over the head if they speak out of turn? If you are that uncomfortable, don't go on the date or perhaps have the friend spy from a distance like a secret shopper, which is juvenile but marginally better.

10. Raised by Wolves! Eat in a calm dignified manner, not as if you were raised by a pack of wolves. This is especially true if you are of African decent like I am. If you eat as if you are starving, that is instant validation of the assumption that we have no food in Africa or that this is the first time you are partaking of such a meal. Your date may adopt a “Save an African Child” approach and donate 80 cents a day to ensure that you have food and a place to sleep.


See you soon folks!

FYI you can follow "Africanlegnd" on twitter now! He always has interesting things happen to him on a daily basis.



I realize I am violating "Code 46 article III" in The Book of Man Law which prohibits the dissemination of information on known male methods and practices to females. In addition to that I am highly compromising my own well being and will probably need to be in witness protection to hide from a dangerous female backlash. In any case here are the signs! (Also read "10 signs she is JUST not into you")

1. Booty Call: If a guy is into you
, there is an interesting window in which he will send texts or call you. This is between 1200pm and 5:59pm. Earlier than noon makes him look desperately pathetic and possibly jobless. After 11pm is the official booty call zone. He has definitely failed in every other attempt to court a female he actually likes. After 2am constitutes a felony booty call. Confronted with failure, you are the last ditch effort; the proverbial Hail Mary pass.

2. Seriously I didn't notice you were next to me: If a guy likes you he will quickly show you off. If he hesitates introducing you to people
, he is hoping to avoid ridicule. He is hoping that you will pass for a retail store manikin standing next to him modeling an empire waist blouse.

3. Karen...No...Katie...oh...Sandra! I mean this one is rather obvious. If you meet him more than twice and he can't remember you
r name, this is an issue. He is probably hitting "Delete" then clicking on "Recycling Bin" and finally selecting the "Empty Recycle bin" option every time you meet.
4. Dark Night: Guys love to parade girls they are into. They will attend social events and functions with them. In all the aforementioned, there will be adequate light so people can actually see you. If he only walks with you in the dark, takes short cuts and looks suspiciously around as if he stole something you need to get the hint girl.

5. THE NO SHOW: He is not into you if he doesn't show up for your important events.
Hold on ladies. I know some of you think everything you do is really important but some events are more important than others. For example, a "Sex in City" Marathon is certainly not as important as a "Walk For Cancer" fund raiser.

6. The Busy Bee: We are rarely too busy to see you. We are just doing something or seeing someone better. You will be surprised at the ability of the loins to manufacture free time!

7. Part of the Crowd: If a guy is into you
, he will create someway to make you the focus of a conversation. He will refer to you, glance at you, tease you etc. If you feel like a piece of furniture in the group you should just hope someone brought furniture polish.

8. Whiskey Prick: When a guy has to be drunk to hang out with you
, this is a dead give away. He likely needs alcohol to make you more attractive. Studies have shown that consuming 12 ounces of beer makes a female appear 32.4% more attractive.


My police escort has arrived. I got to go! Catch you all soon!
I always appreciate ladies who are comfortable and natural. As for advice, below is a link to an ebook that Oprah, the queen of advice, has endorsed. Check it out, there is useful information in there.
The Historical “Million Mexican March” appears to have been resoundingly successful and Mexicans all over the country are basking in its triumph. The March got the attention of President Obama himself when the white house landscapers were a no show for the third straight day. Realizing the severity of the situation, President Obama moved quickly to usher Hispanic people back in the media lime light by approving the election of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court. Sotomayor became the first Mexican to serve on the court in the History of the US. This news sent a wave of joy throughout the Mexican community. All Mexicans whether originally from Puerto Rico, Cuba, Mexico, The Dominican Republic, Guatemala or Hawaii, rejoiced at hearing the news of her confirmation. The news was so profoundly moving that even Mexicans from as far off as India and Sri Lanka couldn't help but celebrate.

Africanlegend was fortunate enough to catch up with President Obama after his morning tanning session. “This was a matter that has haunted me for two days now. I spoke with Michelle and we both feel that we handled the situation prudently. We felt we needed to get the Hispanic community back in the media in a positive light. Their right to be discriminated against by bigoted news networks like FOX should be preserved like any other civil liberty,” said a very rushed Barack Obama as he headed for his tri-weekly Billy Blanks Tae Bo class.

The political pressure from the march was the key ingredient that put the Mexicans back in the media spotlight. This was quickly evident when Fox News correspondent Bill O'reilly and CNN's Lou Dobbs returned to their patented Mexican bashing. They appeared rusty but within twenty minutes of their respective shows programming lineup, Mexicans became the cause of every malady in the US including the housing crisis, the collapse of GM, and the failure of the relationship between Dr McDreamy and Addison in Greys Anatomy. Equality prevails and true justice is served now as all discriminatory issues have now started receiving fair and equal media coverage. Nevertheless this is a moral victory for all Mexicans.
The arrest of a black Harvard Professor in his own home sent a wave of racial microwaves across the planet (see story). For arduous weeks the black verses white conflict has dominated the media and the Mexican population of the US is beginning to feel as if they have been discriminated against and neglected. A recent poll indicated that 78.3% of Mexicans believe that their exclusion from recent racial attacks on channels like FOX news is a form of discrimination. Africanlegend was on the scene of a peaceful protest in Washington DC, which was the ending point of the Million Mexican March. This march was for the Mexican's right to be discriminated against on over zealous news networks in equal measure to all other races. It had the turn out and spirit that must have been present in the historic Million Man March of 1995.
Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Americans alike gathered in one voice. “This is ridiculous! Why is nobody paying attention to Mexicans anymore? This is reverse, sideways, back to front discrimination. They can't just pick a group and focus on them for a few weeks. We have rights too!” an irate Cambridge resident called Isaac yelled out to no one in particular. His participation in this march miffed everyone involved since being the lone black person in the march he represented part of the subject of this protest. The general sentiment was that if this country was going to discriminate against people, it should be an equal opportunity discriminator. Or better yet that it should stop burying racial issues and waiting for silly events to make them apparent and divide a nation.

This uprising is coming off the back of Fox News correspondent Bill O'reilly and CNN's Lou Dobbs running sixty minute shows that failed to mention Mexicans for the first time in over 5 years. The shows usually target Mexicans and illegal immigrants, blaming them for an entire country’s ailments. The ailments have included things like: cancer, swine flu, drought, and obesity.

Emotions were running high and everybody had something to say. “It has just been about Obama and Gates and we are sick of it. My cousin tells me they had even stopped building the wall across the Mexican border during this fiasco!” These were the words of Miguel, a Mexican actually contracted to build the very same wall he was talking about. It remains to be seen, but for now we can see society has been called upon to exercise equality in all things, even in discrimination.


CAMBRIDGE, MA – The 911 caller in the now infamous Cambridge arrest of Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. finally spoke out after being labeled a racist and becoming the target of worldwide scorn. An emotionally distraught Whalen stood in front of a media circus in Cambridge Massachusetts and defended her racial sensitivity. Whalen claimed she had just seen two men with matching backpacks and felt that anyone who knew anything about male fashion would have also found that to be very suspicious. “I am not a racist!" declared Whalen. "My best friend is black. In fact, I had her over for dinner the other night and I let her come inside this time.” She continued to mention that she had a medical condition that prevented her from seeing color.

Minor damage to the rods and cones in her retina left her unable to differentiate between gray scale colors including African American Blackness. “You can hear the 911 transcript. I did not mention the race of the people during my call. I was not sure. In fact it was only after it was on CNN that I realized they were even black. Had I known he was my only black neighbor I'd have gone over with cookies when he moved in and been excessively friendly.” She went on to mention that earlier in the week she had also received the shocking news that President Obama himself was in fact black.

This well timed press conference served to address the important questions on people's minds all over the world. How do you not know your ONLY black neighbor? Isn't race a helpful detail when reporting a potential crime? In light of recent incidents, is it worth showing concern when a neighbor's property is being violated? At least our minds are all at rest now.