I think women waste a lot of time trying to figure out what men mean. I also think they usually miss the point. This is because women are far more complex beings who understand things on many different levels. They tend to over analyse what men say, looking for the hidden meaning and most of the time, there isn’t one. In fact often there isn’t even a deeper meaning. In the cases where there is a hidden meaning, women tend to overlook it because it’s not as hidden as they expect. So here are a few key phrases men use all the time and what they REALLY mean. (see Male Survival Guide: What she really means)
The ‘friends’ stage. He is still being incredibly charming, paying you compliments; having real conversations with you and making you feel special. He really seems different from all those other douchebags.
What he says: I just got out of a relationship and I don’t want to rush into anything.
What he means: Your attractiveness level is only about a 6 out of 10. My ex-girlfriend was about a 7.5 and I’m not going to downgrade. I’m not going to get into a relationship with you but I’d like to keep you around until I find someone who is at least an 8.5.
What he says: How about we talk about this over a bottle of wine and a movie sometime
What he means: Why don’t we sit in a darkened room, get you slightly drunk, and see how much of this stupid romantic comedy I have to watch before I make my move. My average is 30 to 40 minutes but you seem pretty easy so I might manage in under 15. If it takes me less than 7m 35.8 seconds, you’ll be my new record.
The ‘just started dating’ stage: He is still being relatively charming and agreeable. He is probably feeling a bit dazed because he can’t quite remember how he ended up here in the first place but he’s pretty sure there must have been a reason so he’d better make an effort.
What he says: No I didn't notice your secretary.
What he means: No, I didn’t notice your secretary; the really hot 5’6” one with waist length blond hair, D cup breasts, short red dress, fishnet stockings and belly ring just noticeable under the slightly stretchy fabric of her dress? Are you sure she was sitting next to us?
What he says: You looked very nice.
What he means: I didn’t actually notice what you looked like tonight because I was too busy staring up your secretary’s skirt. In fact I thought you left early. Although I’m sure whatever you were wearing you looked fine.
The ‘been dating a while’ stage. In the advanced stages of the relationship suddenly the charming, semi intelligent guy you started dating is neither charming nor intelligent on any level. Conversations have become strangely one sided and he has stopped using words with more than one syllable. This is likely because he has gone into ‘autopilot’; he has stopped listening and is putting the minimum effort necessary to maintain rudimentary communication. He also hasn’t moved off the couch for two weeks and is starting to smell like overly mature cheese.
What he says: Yes dear.
What he means: I have no idea what you just said but I am agreeing with you because firstly, you have my car keys and my credit card details, and secondly, you are yielding a potentially dangerous implement.
What he says: I’m listening.
What he means: I have no idea what you just said but you’re obviously not going to shut up for the next 17 hours so just keep talking.
What he says: Of Course.
What he means: I have no idea what you just said but I am agreeing with you because you’re getting ridiculously red in the face and you look like you are about to explode. You are also holding my baseball bat and the carving knife and I’m not sure you’re entirely sane.
What he says: If you want to.
What he means: I have no idea what you just said and I really couldn’t care less. You do whatever you want because you’re going to do it anyway and nothing I say will make any difference.
What he says: You’re probably right.
What he means: You are definitely wrong. However I can’t be bothered to argue with you right now because it’s that time of the month again and last month you went insane for no reason and we haven't seen the neighbours cat since.
I was on my facebook page and I came across an interesting post that inspired me to make a commentary on women's fashion. The post read:
“Last night's shoes = A for cuteness, C- for comfort.”
The gender of this individual is no doubt female. I sat for a moment, lost in deep thought, contemplating the profundity of this ‘status’ when suddenly the realization hit me like a sack of bricks falling on me from a tall building. Disagreeable women are spawned, not of genuine malcontent but rather as a result of adorning some kind of attire that provides a constant supply of discomfort.
I am sure a number of guys have presented their “A Game” to a “would be suitor,” said all the right things, yet STILL ended up with a stiff arm to the face, a slap, a well aiming kick to the testes, or a blast of well directed spit. It is not your fault my clean-shaven, well dressed gentlemen. The 26 inch, diamante studded stiletto heels are putting severe pressure on her spinal cord as well as giving her vertigo and she has projected the resultant emotional state on you
The masochistic idea is simple “Beauty is Pain”. A woman will dress up and look the best she can be, regardless of what that actually entails. So even if it involves shoes that shoot pain like jagged knives through her heels every time she takes a step, a tube top that prevents breathing, or a turtle neck that feels like a tightly wound noose, if it looks “cute” she will damn well wear it. Women treat this as an investment. They will say, “I will take the discomfort and expect a reasonable return in terms of the aggregate number of men that hit on me, with respect to time.” This gives rise to the time sensitive equation:
Pain x Time it takes for first man to hit on her/Total number of men that hit on her = Malcontent level
It follows from the equation that the longer it takes for a guy to hit on the girl and the number of guys that hit on her drastically affect how malcontent she will be. Let me briefly illustrate this idea.
If things work out:
Pain = 100
Time = 10 minutes
Number of Men =10
(100x10)/10 = Malcontent level
Therefore Malcontent level = 100
If things do not work out:
Pain = 100
Time = 2 hours = 120 minutes
Number of Men =1
(100x120)/1 = Malcontent level
Therefore Malcontent level = 12000
100 to 1500: You have a good chance (wack game may suffice)
10 000+: no chance (potential of violence)
In conclusion, one might have a better night, if they feel comfortable in the clothes they are wearing. But what do I know, I am just a GUY. I'll let you in on a secret though. Guys don't conventionally notice exactly what females are wearing anyway. We only do so after they tell us. The conversation always goes something like this:
“Do you like my new dress?”
“Yeah...I noticed that....it's so green...and...nice.”
“My co-worker Bryan (he's CC'd) and I are frequently in search of answers to life's many complexities. We found a site a site that disproves a theory I was working with. The theory that white people should be terrified to compliment black people. So we thought we'd ask a genuine, 100% pure, athletic, handsome black man on his thoughts.
Esey” (Yeah she definitely wants me :-))
ref article link: Should White People Be Scared To Give Black People Compliments?
After giving it some thought and consulting with my panel of trusty advisers, who claim to have some blackspertise on the matter, I came up with the following conclusion; White people should absolutely be terrified to compliment black people! In the event that they do compliment a black person, they have to choose their words very carefully and proceed with extreme caution. This is because of a phenomenon I'd like to describe as The Blacklash. The Blacklash is officially defined as a negative reaction by black people after a racist comment (Urban Dictionary). While that is a satisfactory definition, in reality the comment does not even necessarily have to be racist. It could even be a compliment. It's a lot of fun, I do it with my white friends all the time!
White person: Great job! You have exceeded my expectations.
Black person: Exceeded your expectations? What? You think because I'm black I'll walk in here with a spear, making baboon sounds....well hello Kunta Kinte!!
White person: No I just wanted to say good...
Black person: Say what? Go ahead...call me an ignorant negro. That's why you came here right? [walks off like an irate black man]
So that's my conclusion. This should be treated as a helpful tip to aid white people in their constant endeavor to understand and accommodate black people. If you want to compliment us, be very precise and don't use ambiguous adjectives and pronouns. Instead of "you people" try "You the individual standing right in front of me, that I am currently looking at". No more calling black people "brother" or "sister" and no compliments related to anything skin color related e.g. "that dress really matches your skin tone!" Also avoid eye contact because we BITE!
Survive my friends! Live, prosper and beware of the BLACKLASH!
Serial Killers are just normal people with a strange hobby. So they like killing people in strange and unusual ways. Otherwise they are exactly the same as you and I. They might live in your suburb, in your street, maybe even in the house next door. It could be the sweet old ladies living across the road, the eccentric writer you never see out of his house or even the hot ‘girl next door’ you were hoping might be a porn star. Here are 6 ways to tell if your next door neighbour is a Serial killer.
1.They have a library. Serial killers are highly intellectual people, they like to amass knowledge. These will usually be grand old fashioned libraries, the walls lined with books on polished wooden shelves and a sliding ladder to reach the top shelves. However, modern serial killers often have to make do with creating something that resembles a library. Look out for a large collection of books, carefully arranged. The collection is sure to include textbooks such as Grey’s Anatomy, books on knot tying and cookery books. Please note, many people like collecting books or buying old houses with already complete libraries but don’t read any of them. If this is the case with your neighbour, then they are not a serial killer.
2.They exercise. They may not actually like sport or exercise but fitness is very important to the successful serial killer and it’s easy to figure out why. They have to be able to move about fast and efficiently, as well as silently. On top of this they have to chase people, who are running for their lives at no more than a brisk walk, yet still keep up with them. If you often see your neighbours jogging around the neighbourhood, they may very well be a serial killer.
3.They are very neat and precise. Serial killers are always neat and methodical. They plan out each murder carefully, factoring in every possibility. This is what separates them from your average murderer who manages one, maybe two kills before being caught. This is a personality trait, so it will be evident in everything they do. The way they wash their car, mow their lawn or arrange their furniture. If you move so much as a pencil in their home, they will immediately move it back.
4.Fava beans and chianti. The Fava bean is a lovely bean with a distinct, slightly bitter, nutty flavour and a rich buttery texture. It is a very labour intensive ingredient, requiring patience in preparation, so it tends to be eaten almost solely by vegetarians. Vegetarians enjoy food which is extremely difficult to prepare, as it increases the annoyance they cause other people with their dietary requirements. However, it’s taste is known to compliment the equally distinct flavour of human flesh, so unless you neighbour is a strict vegetarian, having fava beans in the pantry is a sure way of identifying your neighbour as is a serial killer. Especially if they also have a few bottles of chianti, the wine of choice for all serious murderers, possibly owing to the rumours that it is made from the blood of Spanish virgins.
5. They have a basement. Basements are an essential addition to a serial killer house. They are useful for storing bodies, evidence weapons and fetish equipment. Serial killers are hoarders and usually highly artistic, so they need a space where they can express themselves. They may decorate their basement in a number of different ways; one of the most popular being the traditional ‘torture chamber’ look, or simply with photos and souvenirs from their projects.
6.They are white. Female serial killers may be a rarity, but black serial killers are non-existent. The reason for this is African Time. Although many young black killers aspire to master the fine art of serial killing, wannabe black serial killers usually arrive too late to catch their victims, cant locate the sites for their murders or get distracted while executing the murders. This lack of preparedness and blatant disregard for time leads to their capture and imprisonment before they have properly begun their career.
There are many different kinds of “Crushes” that human beings are capable of experiencing. A crush is an affection or slight obsession that one may develop for another person or entity. A Friend Crush is an obsession with a newly acquired friend to the point where your perception of their awesomeness is distorted and unrecognizable to an outside observer. Friend Crushes are more commonly observed in females but are also rampant in the male world, albeit manifesting themselves in slightly different ways.
In the case of females, they will meet someone, perhaps in their yoga class or a bookstore. They talk, exchange details and then add them to their abundant list of Facebook friends. At this point their descent into madness officially begins. If the crush is a girl, they will start to dress like her, talk like her, have the same opinions and even use the same "Oil of Olay moisturizer, with hydra firming cream and anti age smoothing action." If the crush is a guy, she will start to think they have a lot in common, when in reality they match in a similar way to water and electricity. She will tell stories of how awesome he is, when the whole world is firmly aware of his outstandingly flagrant mediocrity. She will say things like,
“Guys you will never believe what Steve did!”
“But that's what Steve does all the time!” The world will reply in confusion. She will exaggerate rudimentary, in some cases involuntary, actions like walking, sleeping, blinking or breathing, and present them to the world as if they require some type of advanced skill that only he possesses.
So next time you see your Friend Crush give them a hug or buy them flowers. Let them know you think they are special and someday you will forge a religion in their honor.
I write this brief piece to ensure the longevity and survival of the male gender. If you can figure out the difference between what she says and what she really wants to say, you can SAVE YOURSELF!
What She Says: I like you, but I don't want to ruin our friendship.
What She Means: I am -0.00024% attracted to you. In fact, I actually thought you were gay when you decided to do everything I want and go shopping with me. Your friend is hot though, can you hook a sister up?!
What She Says: Do we really have to go to that bar tonight?
What She Means: I don't wanna go hang out with you and your Dbag friends at the bar again. If I do, I will psychologically torture you and withhold sex from you indefinitely until you get the point.
What She Says: Does my butt look big in this?
What She Means: You have been so into other people's butts lately (no pun intended). Can you look at mine for a second? Only say something nice or I'll put this fork through your eye, I've been practicing.
What She Says: Do you think she's pretty?
What She Means: So if the three of us were the last people on earth and you had to choose one who would it be? Oh, and I have the power to exterminate you if it is not me. No pressure though :-).
What She Says: Its not you, it's me?
What She Means: What I'd really like to do is get a huge blimp that says “ITS DEFINATELY YOU” and fly it around the city or maybe start a website called itsyou.youjackass.com. If you can not see that then it reinforces my conclusion that you are just another clueless dbag.
What She Says: Where have you been?
What She Means: I know exactly where you've been because I bought google's “stalk this” program which uses GPS technology to locate people. I also have access to your text message and phone records! The beeping sound you've been hearing all day is a tracking device with a small explosive built into it. You wanna try and lie about where you've been?
What She Says: Oh, how do you know her?
What She Means: Did you sleep with her? I have my PMS-ready crew of angry women, who don't wanna actually be here right now. They are on standby and ready to jump that biatch in the women's bathroom!
What She Says: Where do you see this going?
What She Means: Dear boy, you have reached the end of your free bootycall monthly trial. To continue bootycalling simply pay $109.99 per month for the 'Girlfriend Package' or $1500 eternally for the 'Premium Wife Package'. (Only credit cards. No money orders. No Nigerians)?
1. Defending black celebrities that are obviously guilty.
Although black people will avoid telling white people anything of the sort, most of them will tell you they know for a fact that the likes of R Kelly, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson are all extremely guilty of the crimes brought forth against them. Black people will never condemn a black celebrity. This will be the case even if there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary like; several eye witnesses, a 450 megapixel photograph, a 1080i High Definition video tape of the incident, the assailant's passport, a social security card and a written confession signed by two Supreme Court justices and President Obama himself. Every Black person knows OJ did it, but they will never overcome their own blackness to the point where they can actually admit it in the presence of white people.
2. Annoying white people.
This is one of the more enjoyable things black people like to do because it is so remarkable easy. White people live in an ordered world with rules, governed by linear time. Black people like nothing more than to disorder this world and throw it off balance. This annoys white people. Black people will cut lines, arrive late, talk at a classical music performance, not recycle, date white girls. They will do anything to upset the balance white people worked so hard, and for so long to create.
3. Water Melon.
Second only to chicken, water melon has been a staple of black cuisine for years due to its ease of consumption and ubiquitous nature (available at any supermarket near you). Both hydrating and filling, its duo purpose has made water melon black peoples' snack of choice. There was a brief epoch in time when white people tried to incorporate it into their diet as a favorite but after the “Watermelon Rebellion of 1785” and the realization that it is more complicated to consume with a fork than bare handed, it was seceded to the black diet by 1805 and has remained there ever since.
It is a known fact that black people do not like law enforcement of any sort. All law enforcement agencies, from military forces all the way to mall cops are looked down upon by black people. Intuitively, you would assume that because of this genetic predisposition to dislike law enforcement, black people would hate a show whose premise is to incarcerate criminals, who from casual observation, are usually black. However, while white people watch Cops and applaud the police officers for outstanding work and dedication, black people usually watch it and root for the criminals. They want to see their fellow black man escape incarceration and often sit on the edge of their seat yelling directions and tips aimed at aiding and abetting the escape. Ironically the criminal never escapes but black people still enjoy the camaraderie the show inspires.
5. Tiger Woods.
Remember a time when golf was played by only white people and V.J Singh? Suddenly, there was a tidal wave of change as an arguably black man, began to slowly impose his dominance on the sport. Black people like Tiger Woods for his part in stealing yet another previously all white sport. In recent times there has been serious dispute as to whether Tiger Woods is indeed black. His behavior, voice and appearance have left him as an enigmatic figure for black people. After doing advertisements for Buick, a known white vehicle, the outrage it caused in the black community resulted in Tiger Woods current status, as a 'blackapproved' product, being placed under review.
6. Bill Clinton.
Up until his recent comments during the electoral primary, black people loved Bill Clinton! The fact that Bill Clinton is a democrat and not a republican, makes him automatically more appealing to black people, but the main reason is the fact that he transcended the realm of “Straight Pimpin”. When Bill Clinton enters a room, it seems appropriate to play Jay-Z's "Big Pimping" in the background to set the tone. Scandals with over 11 different women (See Clinton's taste in women explained), most notably Monica Lewinski, caused mass outrage in the white community resulting in Bill Clinton's impeachment in 1999. As consistent with item number 2 on this list, the number of white people Bill Clinton managed to annoy in one fell swoop made him the equivalent of the movie “Scarface” in the black community. Bill Clinton's taste in women also indicated a preference for women with more “cushion for the pushin”. So after a culmination of all those factors Bill Clinton became elevated in the black community and is considered on the same level as a “ black celebrity that is obviously guilty.”
See Stuff black people like (volume 1)
COMING SOON STUFF BLACK PEOPLE LIKE VOLUME 3!!
Libra: September 23 – October 22 With Venus, your ruling planet moving into Libra you are likely to become highly sensitised to all the beauty that surrounds you. Enjoy and appreciate it but try to avoid being carried away by the aesthetic properties of brick patterns and supermarket shelves. Towards the end of October we will see Saturn moving into Libra. When this happens Librans who have any degree of power are likely to abuse it so avoid all Libran customs officials, traffic cops or any other form of petty administration.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21 The chaos of last month’s Mercury retrograde and Saturn/Uranus alignment is over but the after-effects will remain for some time pulling you into a mire of self pity and depression. This is likely to affect the sexual prowess you are so proud of, which may damage your reputation and make you more depressed. I would advise you to avoid sex this month as it is likely to result in suicide.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21 The abnormally high conjunctions of the moon this month mean that your social life is likely to benefit; however you must remember that as the moon waxes and wanes so does her influence. Be careful not to get too carried away by your sudden popularity: you may find that it has more to do with the magnetic clothing that has just come into fashion.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19 The Saturn/Uranus alignment continues to haunt you and as Mercury and Venus move into contact everything is going to get much worse. Your partner is planning a spectacular end to your relationship so avoid public places to limit your humiliation. Unfortunately your partner is likely to broadcast the break up on Youtube, so apply now for a name change and book your cosmetic surgery. Read 9 Healthy Things To Do After a Break Up.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18 This is your month! Jupiter, your ruling sign, goes direct in a few days and that brings with it abundance and wealth. It is only travelling through so take advantage of what it has to offer. Pay special attention to dreams involving food as they may lead you to opportunities.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20 This month is all about waiting it out. November is looking great but there will be a few frustrations and interruptions to get through before them. Your productivity is looking positive so get as much done this month as possible, you will then be able to take advantage of the positive planetary alignments that are on their way.
Aries: March 21 – April 19 Your ruling planet Mars is moving into Leo which will add sparks of excitement to your life. You will finally have that boost of energy and you will be filled with drive and ambition. Watch out for the tendency to become bossy and overbearing and listen carefully to other people’s ideas; they may have some suggestions that will benefit you.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20 You have been feeling frustrated and under-appreciated for a long time, and hoping things will change for the better. It’s time to stop waiting and take control of your life. You may find now is a good time to take up a hobby you’ve been thinking about; it could lead to a positive career change.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20 You have made love and romance an absolute priority this month despite the arrival of Saturn who is frowning on your social life. By all means struggle through but keep a close watch on your valuables as you are likely to fall for a kleptomaniac. Make sure when you go on dates you leave your valuable jewelery at home, don’t carry too much money on you, keep tight hold of your keys and do not under any circumstances invite them to your home.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22 Now might be a good time to remove a few people who are getting in the way of your plans. While you’re at it there are a few people who are just plain annoying. With Mercury on the move it is best to take care of all the legalities before you make any moves. Towards the end of the month you may find unexpected help on hand to hide the bodies.
Leo: July 23 – August 22 Just when you thought you might be able to relax you will quickly find that the entrance of Mars into your zodiac will be followed by absolute chaos and sudden uncontrollable rage. You will be unable to stop yourself breaking, maiming and destroying during these periods,much like the Hulk. Don’t try to avoid them: you will benefit in the long run from releasing all your inner tension.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22 Your boredom at work is starting to show and if you’re not careful someone will discover your secret super hero identity. Keep focused on what is important and try to impress the bosses. There are many ways of doing it without making a lot of effort. For ideas read 9 Tips for Successful Slacking.
There are literally millions of articles and self help books written every year on how to have a successful relationship, how to be a better girlfriend/boyfriend and ways to avoid common ‘relationship mistakes’. Society discriminates against the good men and women out there trying to avoid relationships like the plague. Stuff-about.com sympathizes with their plight. Here are 6 reasons why the biggest ‘relationship mistake’ is to actually have one. (9 healthy things to do after a break up!)
1. Marriage! Women get into relationships with the aim of convincing a guy that marriage to her will be bliss. Men get into relationships with the idea of avoiding marriage, so women are really swimming against the tide with this one. Spending months, or even years pretending to be the perfect blend sex of goddess, domestic goddess and buddy is ridiculous and an unnecessary waste of time. If marriage is your aim, it is far more effective to get the man in question drunk in Vegas and be married by an Elvis impersonator. This approach has a high success rate as documented by many Hollywood movies. WARNING! Do not try this if you are Britney Spears!
2. Facebook. The minute people get into a relationship they announce it on Facebook, give each other pet names more suited to retarded three year olds and constantly update their statuses with brainless messages. Eg. ‘John Smith misses his “flopsy wopsy pooh”, hasn’t seen her in 31.6 seconds and still has 4m 28.4s left ‘til she comes out of the bathroom.’ In women, this behaviour is merely pitiable, in men it is nauseating. This can lead to being deleted by up to 99.7 % of your FB friends, in fact everyone except your girl/boyfriend. In extreme cases, they may delete you as well.
3. Compromise. Relationships are all about compromise. This is because men and women want different things. She wants to shop, eat out, shop, party, shop and, above all, be seen. He wants beer, sex and to be left alone on the couch to watch sport. Since their interests rarely coincide, neither can spend any time with the other while doing what they want to be doing so WHY BOTHER?
4. Events. A woman will spend 136 hours getting ready for a big event or date, including planning and shopping time. She will have her hair done, her nails done, apply her make-up carefully and choose the perfect dress. He will notice nothing except the dress, and that with a sense of irritation as he tries to figure out how difficult it will be to take off. He will spend the evening wondering how much the evening is costing him and how long before he can go home and have sex. She will spend the evening waiting for him to compliment her hair, nails or dress and will be hurt when he doesn’t. Consequently he will get no sex and neither will be happy.
5. Friends. At the beginning of a relationship you will have to be paraded around before all the friends. Ostensibly this is just to introduce you to a part of his/her life, but in reality it is so they can show you off or see whether you pass inspection. For women this is great since if you weren’t certain to impress, he would have hidden you away (8 signs he’s not into you) but for men this is a no win situation. If her friends approve and you get on well with them, your girlfriend will immediately become jealous and suspicious and do her best to ensure you never see them again; often going so far as to send them on an all expenses paid tour of all the planets and stars of our solar system. However, if they do not approve or you dislike them she will throw you together at every opportunity because ‘it’s important to her that you get on with her friends’.
6 Sex. Sex is always an issue in a relationship. It is the most debated about, theorised about, written about part of a relationship. The simple fact is that many factors influence a woman’s desire for sex and almost nothing impacts a man’s. Stuff-about.com’s Institute of Social Sciences and Psychological Studies reviewed many studies done on this subject, carried out extensive research, and held exhaustive discussions on the subject. The conclusion Stuff-about.com has reached is that men and women are sexually incompatible and that men should continue to pay for sex and women should buy vibrators.
Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com gave a fantastic examination of the subconscious mind and habits of white people. Now we will explore the fantastic world of black people, scientifically known as Homo sapien negriodus. Naturally, white people may be preparing themselves to be indignantly offended by this post, when instead they should treat it more like a guide or words of insight.
(caution please do not assume ALL black people will fall within the grasp of this examination. That may lead to an ass whipping!)
1. Fried chicken: Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the single thing black people enjoy most of all. It is the equivalent of turkey for white people. Getting in between a black man and chicken could result in violence, death and many other health related risks. Everybody likes chicken, but after the “Feather Distribution Treaty” of 1765, white people agreed to make turkey their official food and black people agreed to make chicken theirs. Since then it has become a source of pride in the black community and nobody knows how to make it quite like a black woman.
2. "More cushion for the pushing": Black people love a big girl. There are very few circumstances where a black man may consider a women overly blessed in the weight department. In fact in most cases the bigger the better. Unlike their Caucasian counterparts, black guys expect their woman to eat at least 11 times a day, as opposed to 0-1 times a week.
3. Exaggerating Stories: A black person will never let facts get in the way of a good story. Often events will be altered to such a degree from reality, that some may just call them "lies". If there was one person, it turns into 1000 people, a ray of light becomes an explosion, and there is always a misplaced celebrity like Tom Cruise who just happened to be there. A black person may even take one of their friend's stories and super-impose themselves into it. While white people love facts and take stories at face value, the black community is competitive and each individual is looking to be the one telling the most incredible, ludicrous story.
4. Noise: Ever gone to a movie theater and expected peace and quiet, then a horde of black people walk in and just ruin it for you? Before long you are looking at a picture on a screen but listening to a blackalogue of commentary about, “some girl hatin' on some sister” or “some guy tryna step up to some other guy”. Truth be told, you will always hear black people before you see them. Statistics say you can hear a black person telling a story from up to 60.45 miles away during the day and up to 203.6 miles away at night. Black people just love to be expressive, loud and energetic.
5. Being Late: This is a universal black trait so it can easily be concluded that black people probably like it. A black person may be way ahead of schedule, but they will decide to do something that will cause them to be late. Like watch a youtube video, talking to a stranger or taking the later bus. The truth is there is a genetic marker in the black person which causes excessive anxiety if they arrive early at an event. The white person has no problem with promptness and will often be ridiculous enough to arrive 1 hour early to a party so they do not miss any of it.
6. White Girls: This is something a black man has found difficult to resist historically, to the disdain of the black sisters out there. This Jungle Fever (read article) outbreak generally does not affect white men since the black man often picks white girls that white guys are more than willing to give away. In fact unknown to most of you, a treaty was signed in 1856 between black and white guys permitting black guys to only take white women with at least some degree of "cushion for the pushing" or who eat at least 3 solid meals a day.
7. Dancing: All black people simply can't resist dancing to any rhythmic sounds. These sounds include reggae, ragga, dance hall, hip-hop, reggae tone etc. However, the black brain processes music like techno, house, rock and alternative as repulsive, in-congruent noise. Endowed with less hip and leg muscles, white people are generally not able to match black peoples' dancing abilities and tend to look upon their dancing habit with a degree of scorn.
8. Obama: Naturally black people love President Obama! This is not just because he represents a symbol of achievement and success in the black community, but also because of what his election actually meant for the immediate future. It meant for at least a couple of weeks, black people did not have to listen to white people anymore. In weeks following Obama's election, black people got to do anything they wanted. Most didn't attend their jobs, had week-long barbecues, cut lines or simply found the nearest white person, jumped them and said "we told you so". Black unemployment rates rose by 13% as a result.
Volume 2 coming soon featuring Tiger Woods and Michael Jackson!!!
Africanlegend is currently on his way back to the headquarters of stuff-about.com after being released from a detention camp in Pskov, Russia. Last Friday evening, following an article on Stuff-about.com, Lieutenant Anna Elaneskova of the Russian militia forces that kidnapped AL contacted US authorities with information regarding AL's whereabouts. She explained that AL had sought refuge in Russia, after General Katerina Lovoskova had promised him shelter, food and a place to stay. As soon as he arrived in Pskov, he was captured, forced to be a sex slave, and detained indefinitely. Lieutenant Anna feared that the political implications of his detention could lead to another Cold War, so she promptly contacted US authorities. It has also been speculated that Anna and the General Katerina had a fight over rights to their handsome, black captive. “General Katerina and her band of female Russian foot soldiers are extremely hot, don't get me wrong!” said a fatigued but relieved AL. “I was enjoying myself a lot, but the whole, no food, no water, and violent beatings thing did not sit too well with me.”
General Katerina and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton were in talks early last Friday to negotiate the safe release of AL, but after several cat fights, it became clear that President Obama himself needed to get involved. President Obama traveled to Pskov, Russia where he held talks with General Katerina. After 7 grueling hours, President Obama managed to use his charm and verbal mastery to negotiate the safe return of AL. Following AL's release, President Obama spoke exclusively to Stuff-about.com about the recent developments. He explained that people should not live in fear of "Jungle Fever" and should carry on their lives as they normally would. President Obama also debunked the rumors that the government is conducting laboratory experiments that involve merging Caucasian genes with African genes to create an ultimate synchronized swimming team (read article). The President went on to explain the nature of the negotiations that led to the eventual return of Africanlegend.
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S SPEECH
All in all, we are very happy to have Africanlegend back safely and he is anxious to resume his writing duties once he recovers from the trauma he experienced.
Questions surrounding the whereabouts of comic columnist AfricanLegend, recently suspended from his blog www.stuff-about.com on charges of racial insensitivity (read article), continue. AL mysteriously disappeared, after it was discovered that his suspension was linked to a top secret government operation to suppress the knowledge of a disease known as Jungle Fever.
Candy, an attractive young woman who has been stalking AL since he hit on her at a friend’s party, has been trying to track him ever since. While it is certain that he did spend some time in government custody, what has happened to him since his alleged breakout can only be speculated. ‘He definitely managed to escape the government lab. He was being subjected to rather invasive tests to assess his dancing abilities,’ she says as she offers me photographs taken inside the labs. ‘I also found evidence he was heading for Russia. I lost him after he threw away his cell so it couldn’t be used as a tracking device,’ she says, as she scans the multitude of computer screens all linked up to highly advanced satellite equipment with one purpose; to record and track AL’s every move.
Many sightings of AL have been reported since he went missing two weeks ago. Only a few hours after he allegedly broke out of the government labs, reports came in that he had been spotted hitchhiking in Australia. ‘I saw this guy on the side of the road,’ says Bruce. ‘So I stopped to pick him up. I thought I recognised him but it was only after I’d dropped him off at the nearest chicken joint that I realised it was AL.’
A few days later he was spotted in Gaborone, Botswana. A Broadhurst Route 2 Taxi Driver said he almost ran over a man with a long grey beard who was selling Islamic material outside the Mosque. ‘It wasn’t my fault,’ said the irate Taxi Driver who refused to give his name. ‘He stepped out in front of me. When I leaned out of my window to shout to him, I saw he was actually a very dark skinned young man and his beard was a fake, but he was still quite handsome in the dim light. I knew it must be the one they call AfricanLegend.’ Since then he has been seen in over nine other countries including Greece, where he was spotted when a tour guide noticed an extremely dark statue of a god, which she had never seen before. ‘I noticed him particularly because apart from the dark skin he had a much larger penis than the other Gods,’ Georgia whispered giggling. 'Some people think it might have be the second coming of the god Negrothena but I think it was definitely AL.'
‘It would seem that he is taking a very indirect route to Russia, probably for security reasons,’ says Candy who is tracking AL’s journey with a digital map. Just a few days ago, reports came in indicating AL had reached Russia and was safely hidden in an impregnable mountain fortress hidden deep in the Great Caucasian mountain range of Southern Russia. The fortress, known as La Paradis, was previously considered only a legend. Rumoured to be a large underground complex with state of the art finishes and the latest in designer bathroom fittings, it is said to be the home of many celebrities who faked their deaths in order to escape to La Paradis. Famous residents include Elvis Presley, 2Pac, Notorious B.I.G and most recently Michael Jackson. Among other things, the complex is rumoured to be equipped with an underground beach, a Rocawear retail outlet, a day spa and a harem. Soon after these reports were received, government authorities swarmed the area claiming the presence of weapons of mass destruction. They proceeded to bomb the area repeatedly over the next few days and eventually forced their way into La Paradis. Although they managed to round up a number of “dead” celebrities, including Elvis, 2Pac and MJ, AL was not among them.
So the question still remains, where is AfricanLegend?
Realistically we have no way of knowing whether or not he made it to Russia. Despite Candy’s assurances that she would ‘know if he passed onto another world,’ we can’t even be certain he is still alive.’ He could have been killed in the bombing, died of starvation, fatigue or wild animal attack while on the run, or even been recaptured. The only thing we can know for certain is that if he does not return, the government will have his blood on their hands.