"Sexcalation": We are JUST friends.

Editor's note: "Why are your pictures always of white people?"

By The Webmaster.

Sexcalation is the process by which sexual tension keeps escalating between two people who insist they are “Just friends” to the point where shenanigans are inevitable. The unique quality of sexcalatory situations is that the principal imbeciles are in total denial of the mechanisms at work and hence appear completely oblivious to it. They enjoy each other's company, they love to be around each other, they have the same tastes, similar humor and they look like one of those cheesy model couples on a Cosmopolitan Magazine cover page. The sexual tension is thick and when they are together, they gaze into each others eyes like fools, flirt excessively and groom in a way similar to that of the Vervet Monkey of Southern Africa (see picture below).

"I am just doing what any good friend would do!!"

To the rest of the world, their attraction for one another is as obvious as that fact that Michael Jackson had “work done” on his nose or that Ben Aflec can't act. It is so obvious that most outside observers have already given them combined names similar to celebrity couples like “Brangelina” or “Bennifer,” only the names are more lame and pitiful like, “The fools” or “The love birds.” They also say things to one of them, knowing full well it is as good as live broadcast to the both of them:

Example
Jenn: You didn't invite me to the party??
Kate: Yeah I did. I sent James the invitation.
Jenn: You can't send James an invitation and expect ME to come to your party based on that!
Kate: Ok, Ok...I get it...but thanks for coming anyway! Enjoy the party; the cups are in the kitchen!

Things sexcalate and when they finally hook up, they are the only people on the planet that are surprised. They are more surprised to find out their friends have been taking bets on the issue for months. They are even more surprised to find out the bets were on WHEN it would happen, rather than IF it would actually happen. Joke's on you, “Foolish Love Birds.”

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

By Africanlegend.

Happy Thanksgiving to the people of the United States!! Thanksgiving was traditionally a time to give thanks to God for the harvest and express gratitude in general. The harsh winters of the new world claimed many new settlers and legend has it that Native American tribes assisted the pilgrims in their survival efforts. Well something like that anyway! (Come on! I'm African, I shouldn't even know anything about this)

.....It is also called "National Turkey Execution Day" or "T-Day." Turkeys consider it to be their day to observe their annual genocide (bet you didn't know that).

Unfortunately there is a lot of blood attached to the thanksgiving story, as a lot of Native American blood was spilled even as land was being stolen in the many years following that time. So it is not recommended that one EVER wish the Native Americans a “Happy Thanksgiving.” It might be the equivalent of creating and wishing an African American a “Happy Slave Appreciation Day (Observance for all the hard work and dedication displayed during slavery).” (I'm surprised there isn't one)

Well.....

The true importance of the day is family, friends and community. I don't believe in having specific days where family is observed; it should ALWAYS be observed, but it is wonderful when people get together as one and are at peace (well unless the in-laws come).

OK enough of me........I am off to indulge in the wonderfully, wasteful, western tradition of eating until I slip into a food coma, commonly referred to as the “itis.” I'll see you all in 3 days when I wake up.



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Diary of a concerned citizen: Lesbos announce thyselves.

By K.H Maclean.

A letter to the world by a concerned citizen:

Yo Lesbos! Announce Yourselves!

Is that title a little inappropriate? Well so is leading a guy on in flirtatious conversation when all along your only intentions were to go out later that night to Shenanigans with your girlfriend.

Time after time I’ll be chilaxin’ somewhere, like the library, or in my car listening to NPR, or the DMV and this pretty little minx will come strutting up in some low-cut top and very uncomfortable shoes and start vibing my sauce. It would typically play out like this:

11:30 AM - She comes up to me in her sexy little librarian glasses and ask me something like, “Excuse me, is this the end of the line?”

11:31 AM - I shoot some smooth jive back like, “No, it’s around the corner by the guy with the coffee.”

2:05 PM - I go out to my car to leave and I accidentally scratch the car next to me and it’s not hers but this really crazy roided-out dude’s.

2:45-5:25 PM – I ultimately meet the owner of the vehicle and he gets all pissed off (probably cause of the roids) and starts to beat the shit out of me for what seems like an eternity, but I’m able to cover up my face. After that he starts to cry because of chemical imbalances brought on by the roids and so he leaves.

5:30 PM – I run into the hot librarian chick again and she runs over to me to make sure I’m okay. And I’m not okay, my hands hurt, my ribs hurt, my stomach hurts, and I probably have internal bleeding, but I stand up and say “I’m okay.” And she believes me cause my face doesn’t look all messed up, cause I protected it.

5:35 PM - She volunteers to take me to the hospital but I say, “I’ll be fine, I just need some coffee.” So we go to Starbucks even though I don’t even like coffee but it’s a good non-threatening place to meet women.

5:45 PM - While we’re there I make some joke about how you never see any Hispanics in Starbucks and she laughs, which is good, because now I know that I can push the envelope with my humor and be a little offensive around her without worrying about her freaking out.

6:30 PM – We end up walking back to the DMV when she just out of nowhere says, “Hey you wanna go out to a party or something?” I’m about to pass out from the internal bleeding but I say yes because I think this might be going somewhere, you know?

9:30 PM - We end up walking around looking for a place. First we go to a bar. The bar scene is kind of lame but we don’t know if we should stick around and see if it gets better or leave, so we sort of just hang out at this place while like a group of 10 or 12 sort of ugly people hump on the dance floor. Not like troll under the bridge ugly, but enough to make you feel much better about your own face.

11:00 PM – 3:45 AM - We finally leave and wander around, until we end up finding this awesome block party over near the park and we’re there until 3 AM. Then she comes over to me and tells me she has this huge craving for Mexican food. So we go to this 24-hour place a few blocks away I know about.

4:00 AM - Crunch time. I ask he if she wants to come back to my place and she turns me down cause she says she needs to work early tomorrow (even though we’re already out at 4 AM, okay…) But she tells me her name and gives me her phone #.

4:30 AM - I get home, and just before I collapse from all the internal bleeding, I look this chick up on Facebook and find out what? That she’s a lesbian!

Man, now see that is the exact kind of scenario I want to avoid. I mean, where in this story was I supposed to have any clue that this dame was lezzing it up with me all night? And if I had a dime for every time this played out, it wouldn’t begin to pay for all the hospital bills I’ve accumulated.

I’m not asking for the ladies to wear signs around their necks declaring their sexual orientation that day depending on their mood. All I want is a little fair notice. Like, if you’re a hot lesbian*, “Hi my name is so-and-so, I’m a lesbian. Wanna go to a block party?”

That way I can say. “Hey, you seem cool and all but, you know, I just got beat up pretty bad and I think I’m gonna go ahead and go straight to the hospital, thanks.”

That’s all I’m asking for here.

*If you’re not a hot lesbian, don’t speak to me at all.

6 easy steps to the best break up ever.

By Sparklingjem.

Who says break-ups have to be tragic, horrible events. Here’s how to plan your break-up so it’s fun and entertaining. Once you have gone through the pre-break up steps, he should be (subconsciously) getting the picture and now it’s time to move on to the actual break up. This is the fun part, so take the time to plan it properly. Here are the key steps to follow to ensure the highest degree of effectiveness without missing the entertainment value.

WARNING: if you think he may become a danger to himself or anyone else after you break up with him, call a counsellor or a police officer. Do not try to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation yourself.

1. Break up with him in person.
Breaking up by e-mail, announcing it on facebook or “tweeting it" may seem like fun, but if you do this, you will miss out on enjoying his reaction and will have no sense of closure. Also you will be unable to record a high definition video of the incident and broadcast it on youtube.

2. Make sure he hears it from you first.
If he has heard about it from other people, he will be waiting for it. He may spoil your fun by pre-empting you or by avoiding situations where you can break up with him effectively; thus forcing you to resort to email, facebook or twitter.

3. Do it in front of a “live studio audience”.
For the most effective break up, wait until you have a large audience of people, consisting mostly of his friends and family. This will cause him the maximum amount of pain and humiliation. A friends’ party or a family function is good but for best results I recommend a wedding, even better if it’s your own.

4. Be honest and open about why you want to break up.
Be as blunt and as brutal as possible, it will be better for him in the long run to know the truth. If you are breaking up with him because you are disturbed by the “I love Miley Cyrus” tattoo on his inner thigh, tell him and make sure everyone else hears too. Other girls have the right to be forewarned.

5. Use crying as a weapon of mass destruction.
If he starts to beg and plead with you, you could be firm but he will probably go on for hours. To cut down on the time, burst into tears instead. He will be so horrified, he will immediately back off. For extra effectiveness scream very loudly that he is ruining your life. This will make everyone around him give him evil glares, making the situation even more uncomfortable for him.

6. Do the "friends thing."
Don’t forget to end with “I hope we can still be friends.” Yes I know you don’t, but you never know when you might need a guy with an "I love Miley Cyrus tattoo" for something (perhaps you’re doing a raise awareness campaign for people with mental disabilities) and it’s best not to completely burn your bridges.

Exodus 1 chapter 3: If black people all went back to Africa (Volume 1).

By Africanlegend.

I was once told by a white man of less than pleasant demeanor that the USA would better off if all black people, myself included, went back to Africa. I am certain that if that suggestion had been made to pre-emancipation slaves, they'd have jumped at the chance like a white woman would if offered a ticket to the Oprah Winfrey show. I was just about to take offense and resort to "Niggerisms" when I decided to ponder over the idea. What would happen if black people all went back to Africa?

1. A Caucasian female mass exodus.
Jungle fever is a disease that affects many non-black women. As Stuff-about.com found out, there is no real cure for Jungle Fever. The only solution for sufferers is to embrace it, thereby feeding its hunger for the dark chocolate love. If all black people embarked on a "Moses-like exodus" back to Africa, it would have dire consequences on Jungle fever sufferers. It would leave many white women sad, lonely and depressed, or WORSE having to date white men again! While eventually they might evolve in a few millenia to once again be attracted to their own, its more likely they would just leave the Western world to follow the chocolate love train. The result of this would be that the West would loose 78.53% of its female population.

2. Everything would run on time.
As you may have read in Stuff-about.com's articles “Stuff Black People like Volume 1” and “African Time,” black people have a tendency to be tardy to events and late to gatherings and parties. This type of behavior destroys the perfectly perfect harmony the white man works so hard to maintain. If all black people just disappeared, a perfectly ordered world would exist. If a party started at 8pm, everybody would arrive at 7:45pm (to help set up). If the party ended at 12am, everyone would leave at 11:15pm to make sure the host could be in bed by 12:10am. Sad, I know.

3. Professional sports records will never be broken again.
With the exception of Ice Hockey, Swimming, Equestrian, Darts and other “sports” that black people collectively got together and decided not to dominate, a situation would be set up such that every current black sports record would probably remain intact. Without the additional muscle in the calf, white athletes would find it extremely difficult to break current black-held records. In addition to that, without black people, sports leagues like the NBA and NFL would file for bankruptcy and consequently shut down. Baseball would continue to flourish as very little actual athleticism is required. After all, solving their problems appears to be an extremely simple task; thus far, its nothing a cup or steroid enhanced water couldn't fix.

4. Police sketch artists would have to start doing their job.
No more slacking off at work and watching seventies pornographic videos on government-issued computers. With the exodus of black people, police sketch artists would be required to do their job and start making police sketches based on actual descriptions. No longer will it suffice to produce generic sketches of a black male between 3 feet and 14 feet tall with big lips and a big nose, that bizarrely resembles all of us . Since the police would now be dealing with white people, they would be under pressure to produce as many as ten generic sketches of average looking white dudes.

5. Golf would become a white sport again.
For years the world has disputed Tiger Woods' race. If black people all left, they would most certainly claim Tiger Woods as 100% black. Naturally, Tiger Woods would resist joining the movement and hide somewhere safe like Connecticut. After months of searching, he'd finally be captured, kidnapped, and taken to Africa. Once in Africa, he'd be forced to wear black clothing labels like FUBU and Sean John for the rest of his life as punishment. Just to cover all bases, black people would even take golfer Vijay Singh. Although Vijay is admittedly Indian, recent color spectrum analysis done at Stuff-about.com's Institute of Racial Determination Studies found that he is darker than 85% of black people excluding exceptionally dark black people like Wesley Snipes, Seal, Kevin Garnett and anyone of Sudanese descent.

SEE HOW TIGER WOODS DID IN THE RACE DRAFT!

Racial Draft

Tim | MySpace Video


VOLUME 2 COMING SOON....cuz we haven't even gotten into what would happen to fried chicken!

How to ditch a guy: The pre-break up manual.

1. By "Sparkling-Legend" (yet another stupid celebrity couple name!)

Ladies will often try to communicate with the most subtle hints and signals to ward off ravenous, salivating males. The fact of the matter is the male brain is only capable of direct, obtuse communication that is clear and concise. Men will most likely not get the message if you text them less, or don't answer their calls. However, if you place your intended message on an obnoxiously titanic billboard that flashes the words in lime green and red on the interstate highway, there is a SLIGHTLY higher chance they might decode it. Here are a few ways to make your hints get the message across. Use them BUT don't abuse them. (Also see 10 signs she's not into you)

1. The insurmountable obstacle tactic.
If he happens to mention any topic, event, person or thing that he likes, express your hatred for it vehemently and then claim it is an insurmountable obstacle to you EVER being together.

For Example:

Ravenous Guy: Hey I really love kittens! :-)
Girl: Oh my God! I really HATE kittens. Why would I like stupid little animals that play with balls of wool all day! In fact I am actually allergic to kittens AND to men that like kittens. Actually, I think I am breaking out in hives already! Clearly we can never be together!

2. No plan is a better plan.
If the over zealous male in question asks you what you are doing at the weekend, you can usually take this to be the precursor to him asking you out. Respond enthusiastically by stating that you have absolutely no plans at all. He will then ask you out. Follow that by saying you made a commitment to having no plans and you really don't want to flake out on that.

3. Text Evasion Don’t reply to every one of his text messages.
Start by only answering 2 out of every 3 he sends; gradually increase the number of texts you ignore until you are averaging about 1 in 15.3 texts. In fact, once you have perfected this method, you can go so far as to simply not answer a text for as long as an entire month and then claim you could not free up the 0.34 seconds necessary to respond to it.

4. The national "Do not call ME list".
Don’t answer his calls, let it ring and then text back instead, effectively placing him on the national "do not call ME list". Begin to limit the amount of time you spend together by claiming to be “super-busy”. Never give specific reasons that he can argue with just say, “Oh. I’m busy.” You can take this a step further and actually give specific reasons that are highly implausible. (Also read: What she REALLY means!)

For Example:

Ravenous Male: Hey why didn't you return my call? Girl: “Well, see my cat makes terrible relationship choices. Like now she is seeing this Dog! I told her that this plan was going to bite her in the ass someday. SURE AS HELL, the dog bit her this weekend. I really had to be there for my cat! You understand right?”

5. Super-otherman.
When you are with him, begin to talk about other men as if they possess super powers.

For Example:

Girl: Today someone dropped a packet of M&M’s from the 174th floor of the building we were walking past. Thankfully, Steve managed to teleport down, catch every single one of them and then run back up the side of the building to give them back. Steve is so awesome. Did you do anything today that required super powers?

6. Ex-communication
Don’t communicate with him over the weekend, when he asks why; say you were too busy to call him. Then give him an itinerary of ridiculously boring activities you did in lieu of calling. Preferably things that illustrate the abundance of opportunity you had to call.

For Example:

Ravenous male: Why didn’t you call me this weekend?”
Girl: “Oh, I was WAY too busy.”
Guy: “Oh”
Girl: “Yeah. I worked out that an average of eight yellow cars drive past my window in an hour and I watched a Hannah Montana marathon on Disney channel. Oh I also re-created the final battle from Lord of the Rings by making all 95270 characters out of origami. So I mean I just couldn't possibly cram you in”

Comments from the editor:
LOL I once told someone I was going to do my laundry for an entire weekend 24/7 and he said, " Look, if you don’t want to go out with me just say so!"
HAHA I wish I had known The Lord of the Rings character creation excuse; that would have been classic!

Vocabulary: TEXT-TE-CUTION

This is the process by which someone is reprimanded, told off or set straight through the reception of a barrage of well aimed, rapid fire text messages. The fierce speed at which the assault comes can be compared to the world's fastest machine gun which can fire 1,000,000 rounds per minute or 16600 bullets a second. The purpose of a Text-te-cution is to simulate a live argument. It is a recent trend inspired by the younger generation's disdain for communicating with one another through more conventional, archaic, almost obsolete methods like face to face conversation and hanging out.

The Text-te-cution is designed so that the recipient has no opportunity to text back any response that might explain or defend themselves. Although the Text-te-cution is performed equally and ruthlessly by both genders, due to women's superior texting skills and delicately dainty fingers, the average man stands no match in an all out text war without using shrewd tactics (like calling). At Stuff-about.com's Institute of Electronics and Social Sciences, it was found that the average man can text up to 65 texts per minute compared to the average women who can send up to 3000. This finding led us to the conclusion that the female, with her ninja-like texting skills, makes the ultimate Text-te-cutioner.


Example
Girl: hey where are you? I miss you mwah xoxoxo
(5 seconds later)
Boy: At Dave's watching the Liverpool game.
(6 seconds later)
Girl: Right now?
(10 seconds later)
Boy: Yeah...how are you lol... I miss you too watermelon!
(3 seconds later)
Girls: Yeah that's funny because Dave is right here with us. Where the hell are you?????
(1 second later)
Girl: If you think being dishonest is the way to go then this relationship has no chance!!!
(9/10ths of a second later)
Girl: And I didn't want to bring it up but the premature ejaculation thing is really getting to me.'
(1/5th of a second later)
Girl: First you lie about where you are, and then you have the audacity to prematurely ejaculate on a Sunday for that matter!!!!
(Speed of Sound)
Boy: Wait whats going on?? ← (ignored)
Girl: And yes ALL this time I've been faking it.
(Speed of light)
Girl: So you know what? As for this little relationship we have...I'M PREMATURLY EVACUATING!!!!!!
(Faster than God runs the 100m sprint)
Girl: Because I don't need this crap from a Dbag like you. If I wanted to date a Dbag, I'd date Kanye West. I deserve better so you need to R.E.S.P.E.C.T ME!!
[Boy calls because he recognizes he has been TEXT-TE-CUTED]

BYU vs New Mexico Women's soccer Fight: The truth revealed about this epic cat fight.

Occasionally you may hear a conversation about how soccer is a non-physical sport played by “foot fairies.” This all changed last week when footage was released depicting a savagely physical soccer game where one player took it upon herself to terrorize each and every member of the other team; an act of terror even Al-Qaeda attempted to take credit for. Scratching, eye gouging, bitch-slapping and hair pulling were on display as the late Bruce Lee churned in his grave seeing his, “Jeet Kune Do” fighting style applied to collegiate sports.

The question on everyone's mind is what drove Elisabeth Lambertt to go postal on national TV? A bad day? A poor score on her biology exam? APMS (Aggravated Post Menstrual Syndrome)? What could possibly have caused a nice young lady to act in such a way? After the Stuff-about.com team saw Africanlegend (AL) watch the video of the incident, we noticed an insidious grin pasted on his face, so we decided to interrogated him. This incident had his signature chaotic feel to it.

We sat AL in a room and began to question him about what he knew. After almost three hours of Bill Clinton-like evasive answers, we decided we may need to take drastic measures. Since we considered this to be a matter of national security, we felt we were constitutionally sanctioned to take a few pages out of the Abu Ghraib “friendly persuasion” tactics manual. This included: sleep deprivation, forced stress positions, forced nudity and the use of dogs to scare and bite him. After three days, AL finally admitted that during his exile he had been involved in an affair of “pasion” with the main culprit, Elisabeth Lambertt when she kept him safe in her dorm room. Being a soccer player himself and finding girls that play the game irresistible, AL found himself involved in numerous love affairs with members of several other teams when he attended the dress rehearsal of the The NCAA's Honors Celebration that is to be held later in January 2010. We later found out several of them played for BYU, the team that felt the full wrath of the Lambertt assault. AL has been mildly reprimanded but due to the sheer entertainment value of the video and the fact that the ladies were exceptionally good looking AL will face no further sanctions or punishment.

So yes Ladies and gentlemen this was all just one big cat fight over a boy....but aren't they all!!

SEE THE VIDEO OF THE INCIDENT!



NON-US SURFERS CLICK HERE TO SEE VIDEO

Lets keep racism AND violence out of soccer....spread peace not war!

6 fool proof ways to get HIM to listen to YOU.

By Sparklingjem.

After my article “Female Survival Guide”: What He Really Means,” I received a lot of feedback from women saying, “We don’t care what HE means. How do we get HIM to listen to US?” After doing a bit of research, I realised there are many articles out there suggesting half hearted ways that women can try to get men to listen. My conclusion: they don’t work. If you really want men to listen, you have to be firm. We put all of Stuff-about.com’s resources into finding the answer and here it is ladies. 6 fool proof ways to get HIM to listen to YOU.

1.Stick to topics he is interested in.
Men’s brains have a much smaller memory capacity than women’s. This leads to a much smaller area of interest. While women have many varied interests that constantly change over time, the majority of men on hitting puberty develop a limited number of set interests which are universal. Men find it difficult to focus on anything outside of these interests, so it is a good idea to stick to subjects he can focus on. These include and are pretty much limited to beer, food, sex, sport and themselves.

2.Tie him down so he can’t escape
Experts suggest that if you want to have a serious conversation with a guy, you should approach it while you are sitting side by side. This is because “Looking him directly in the eye can make him feel threatened” According to our research however, men feel threatened in any situation involving women and conversation. To ensure he can’t escape while you are talking to him, incapacitate him in some way. You can do this by tying him down or cuffing him (he will probably let you do this if you ask him) or setting his feet in a tub of quick drying cement while he is sleeping.

3.Do NOT interrupt a sporting event.
Women often make the mistake of trying to hold a conversation with a guy while they are watching sports, this is a big mistake. Men and dogs have an inexplicable fascination with spherical objects; if they see a ball, their attention is immediately diverted. If you really wish to hold a conversation during a sporting event, you have to employ drastic measures such as breaking the TV, disabling the internet connection and phone lines and trapping him in the house by barricading all doors and windows. It is important that he does not suspect you have anything to do with any of these events. The alternative is to invite him to watch you having lesbian sex, which Stuff-about.com’s Institute of Social Sciences and Psychological studies concluded is the most effective way to divert a male's attention from sport.



4.Use smaller words and shorter sentences.
Men have a very short attention span. This is because their brains are made up of a lot of empty spaces where words or just syllables of long words often get lost or mixed up in the large vacuum. This means they have to try and fit the pieces together to understand what you are saying. They then completely miss whatever you say. This leads to communication errors and painful misunderstandings. To combat this, talk in short sentences and try to stick to words of 1 or less syllables.

5.Show cleavage.
A recent scientific study from the University of Wellington, New Zealand has proved that men like looking at breasts “because they are aesthetically pleasing whatever size they are.” To make sure you have his attention, make sure your breasts are featured predominately or expose a little cleavage. Cleavage is especially useful as you can use it to adjust the intensity of his focus by leaning forward or back as desired. Please note however, that this will not be at all effective if there are any spherical objects in the vicinity.

6.Change your voice.
“According to a study recently published in the world renowned journal NeuroImage, the male brain interprets men's voices as speech and women's voices as music.” This is why men can hold absolutely meaningless conversations with other men and stay involved and focused but the minute a woman speaks, his brain steps out to another planet. To avoid this problem, we suggest you alter your voice when you wish to communicate. If you speak in a deep gruff voice, he will immediately snap out of the dreamy state caused by the melodious sound of your natural voice. You could seek help to do this comfortably from a professional. A speech coach will give you exercises which will help you lower the pitch of your voice. Alternatively you can buy a digital speech distorter like the one they use for Darth Vader in the Star Wars Trilogy.

Africanlegend interviews Al-Qaeda operative.

By Africanlegend.

Africanlegend used the connections he made during his brief exile (read article) to catch up with Ali Baba, a former Al-Qaeda operative of the “40 thieves” unit. His major intention was to find out what makes this devastating terrorist group the force that it is. Al-Qaeda is an Islamic fundamentalist group founded in the late 1980's and has been widely credited for attacks on various civilian and military targets in several countries around the world, the most notable being the September 11 attacks in 2001.

AL's interview manuscript:

AL: For those people out there that do not know, what exactly is Al-Qaeda?

Ali Baba: Al-Qaeda is a professional terrorist group whose main goal is to promote an agenda of fear and breed chaos. As a result of our good work, people are now scared and they believe that every Muslim is carrying home made explosives and will blow them up, when in actual fact most Muslims are people of peace. One of Al-Qaeda’s main tactics involves making flying on airlines a pain in the butt for everyone. We thought it was funny to see people have deodorant and hygiene products confiscated at security check points. Post 911 plane rides were up to 67.46% smellier and more uncomfortable.

AL: The Question on every bodies mind is whether or not Osama Bin Laden is still alive. Can you give us some insight on that?

Ali Baba: Well I am not at liberty to disclose such information, not even to a world renowned, public figure such as you Mr. Africanlegend. I will say one thing though. I do not think someone with kidney issues who requires such a colossal kidney dialysis machine can get very far very quickly. In fact his particular model of machine is so big it is actually visible from space on Google maps if you zoomed in sufficiently.

AL: Al-Qaeda is credited with many acts of terror all over the world. To what extent are they actually involved?

Ali Baba: It Depends. In the beginning we did a lot of the work ourselves and we took credit for it accordingly. However AL-Qaeda is in the business of making our operations more efficient and effective. We realized suicide bombers were not only inefficient but were severely depleting our staff, so we came up with a solution. We hired somebody to sit on a computer and Google terror-related events that were happening in the world. Following that, we used our Apple MAC-books, with built in web camera, to make a video claiming credit for it. We had to eventually switch to PC because people could not open our videos unless they had a MAC or i-phone. Due to numerous complaints that we have received about the extremely poor quality of our videos, our IT technicians are currently working on “terrorcam.com/terrorvision” which will broadcast videos in High Definition.

AL: What do you think of the term “The War on Terror!”

Ali Baba: Like most things Georgie came up with, we found this statement particularly entertaining. We are still trying to figure out this “Terror” that the war is targeted against and where one would geographically find it. The most entertaining thing though was all the names Georgie came up with like “Axis of Evil” and “Operation Iraqi freedom”. The news sounded like a trailer to one of those awful Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme movies of the early 90's.

Exclusive Trailer:

Terror in our midst (explosion),
Terror running wild (baby screaming),
and only one man can stop the world from ultimate destruction.....

Samuel L Jackson stars as George Bush and Megan Fox as Hilary Clinton.....

Your mind will be blown away by......

“AXIS OF EVIL 2 – Revenge of the Sheikh”

AL: What is the latest act of Terror Al-Qaeda denounces, if any?

Ali Baba: Al Qaeda, as a group, were watching the last MTV video music awards online and it so happens that they saw some guy named Kanye West jump on the stage while another artist was receiving an award and interrupted her. By definition, that is an act of terror and while Al-Qaeda is happy to take credit for most of the terrorist activities around the world, this particular act was so terroristic that Al-Qaeda refuses to associate themselves with it in any way. I mean what kind of a Dbag does such a thing anyway???

Spread peace not hate :-)

6 ways to be the best Dbag you can possibly be.

Installment 1 of "Stuff-about.com's BETTER YOURSELF SERIES".

By Africanlegend.

Stuff-about.com frowns upon mediocrity. So if you are going to do anything in life, we believe that it is incumbent on you to reach the pinnacles of ultimate perfection. Be the best you can be, go hard or go home, go flat out! If you decide to make the life changing decision to become a Dbag, it is important that you avoid the abyss of the mundane and don't end up as yet another boring, uninspiring Dbag. With that philosophy in mind, stuff-about.com offers you these essential tips to help you flourish and be noticed.

1. The Popped collar.
Many a Dbag will wear a brightly colored polo golf shirt and flagrantly raise collars in an attempt to display their Douchebaggery. While this will mercifully let the world know what you are and what you stand for, it is not going to make you stand out in your profession. Why wear one collared shirt when you can wear 2 or 3, or even 7? Wear multiple popped collars and have them flare out from your neck like a peacock's feathers. Don't just make the colors soft pinks or yellows; make them, fluorescent-tly flagrant colors like: Lime green, Chartreuse, electric lime or Tangerine yellow. Stand out from the pack, be unique.

2. Bluetooth headsets.
As proven by Stuff-about.com's earlier study (Bluetooth Headset post), the bluetooth headset, despite its convenient application and use is the ultimate symbol of douchebaggery. Why stop at the simple headset though? Get two bluetooth headsets for two separate phones and walk around double-connected. In fact, you should write to Motorola and ask them to create a bluetooth all purpose, all weather helmet headset so that you can even wear it while playing sports or operating heavy machinery.

3. Tans, Hair and Accessories.
Many Dbags will invest time and energy into tanning, hair styles and accessories. Don't waste your time with a real tan or even one manufactured by a UV Tanning Bed because that would be what every Dbag in the market place will be doing. You can stand out from the crowd by making your tan look as obnoxiously orange as possible. Buy the fake tanning cream, preferably from a bodega or a corner store, and smear away until you glow like a radio active tool. Spritz your hair, make it stand up like you have been recently electrocuted. It is also essential that you do not forget to wear your fitted cap with all the stickers still on it and a white or black “wife beater”. However, no Dbag outfit is complete without the patented “Kanye West Felony Dbag Aviators” with optional microphone, available at a Dbag outlet near you.

I disagree! If there is one case where I say strip a human being of ALL civil liberties it is this!!

4. Weight lifting.
As a Dbag, you probably believe the bigger you are the better? Don't waste you time in the gym 9 days a week, 29 hours a day. Simply purchase size enhancing, genitalia shrinking, steroids similar to the ones used by the Major League Baseball (MLB) Dbags in the USA; Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, A-Rod and Mark McGuire to name just a few. Make a rapid transition from a skinny Dbag into a “Roid” enhanced, top grade” Dbag. Ideally you should become so big, that a gust of wind would be able to topple you over and render you helplessly unable to stand up without the assistance of heavy machinery.

5. Communication.
Most Dbags are raucous by nature but intelligible only to a small extent. They could perhaps be compared to Neanderthals or other descendants of Homo Sapiens. There is no need to be intelligible if you plan to perfect your well crafted art. Don't bother making any sense. And whatever you do, make sure you use your vocal cords to the fullest extent at the highest decibel level just like Samuel L Jackson or his protégé Mekhi Phifer would do. Shout at the top of your voice and give everyone an itinerary of exactly how much you drank tonight, how much it cost, where you drank it and with whom. Be specific after all the whole world wants to know. Here's an example:

“Hey, hey, hey, mother f^&k*rs....dude I am so f#$ked up and wasted man!!! I had: 10 shots of vodka, 19 shots of Jager, 29 beers and 5 kegs at my frat party...because my frat it totally AWESOME!!! Dude it cost like 23 million dollars......) to innocent black by stander) what's up brothhhhhaaaaaaaaa Where are the chicks at?????!!!!!!!”

6. The Feminine Dbag.
You have already mastered the art of accompanying your lady friends and making their night out miserable. You are proficient at warding off potential suiters, being a complete party pooper or having “Permanent PMS Syndrome” or PPS. Don't stop there, you can do better than that! Believe in yourself. Purchase a bow and arrow and instead of making mean, sly comments to males you want to drive away from your friends, just save yourself the energy and pick them off one by one with the bow and arrow like Legolas in the movie “Lord of the Rings”. In addition to that, don't just be negative and force your friends to go home with you, get them kicked out of the bar. Blindside the Bouncer and land a hay making punch to his face rendering him unconscious. When he wakes up minutes later, point at your group of friends. That way you all get to go home and be miserable together.

This is a SERIOUS argument for Corporal Punishment!!!

Stuff-About.com's quad-weekly Horror-scope: November 2009

By Sparklingjem.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21
The intense opposition between Saturn and Uranus is causing you to feel restless and impulsive. You are longing to try something new. It may also be that you are feeling stifled by your own identity and would like to express yourself more through your appearance. DO IT!! You don’t need to go so far as a sex change, but a little gender swapping could be more fun than you realise.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Mercury’s erratic behaviour is causing problems elsewhere in the charts, but for you, he is all about the positive. Now is the time you can most easily use the power of words to get what you want; take advantage of this and send your Christmas list to Santa a month early.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Pressure eases off you as you move out of the spotlight and into the shadows, perhaps it’s because of this or maybe your recent bad luck has made you more congenial towards creatures who are not from planet earth. Whatever the reasons, they chose you; you are set to enjoy some friendly contact with outer-space beings this month. Relax; they really do come in peace, except for the ones who intend to take over planet earth.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This month you will find the power of the sun in your Mid-heaven is having a strong influence and bringing you into the spotlight in a professional capacity. This, in conjunction with Venus moving strongly into your sign, brings into special focus your sexual power, so this may be a good month to explore the possibility of becoming a porn star.



Pisces February 19 – March 20
Yes!! Finally it is here. November is your month. You will enjoy the pleasant feeling that you are moving forward in all aspects of your life, and it’s rather like floating through life in a large bubble where reality cannot touch you. It would be wise to take advantage of your blind optimism before the bubble bursts.

Aries March 21 – April 19
There is a strong focus this month on other people’s money. Somewhere out there is a large chunk of someone else’s cash that is waiting to be yours, so look out for opportunities where people are making their money available. It is also a month to get rid of excess baggage, so you may want to invest that money in a personal trainer or a therapist or both.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Your tendency to fall asleep at inappropriate times will become a problem this month as your professional life is likely to revolve around long and boring meetings. They are likely to be unproductive, so pretend you have a highly contagious disease and go on vacation instead. The dubious energy of Mars continues to energize your domestic life, so watch out for flying objects at home as they may be aimed at your head.

Gemini May 21 – June 20
You really want people to notice you this month but forcing innocent bystanders to re-enact scenes from your favourite soap operas in public places isn’t really the best way to do it. If you are set on this route rather choose scenes from musicals which will be far less embarrassing for all involved.

Cancer June 21 – July 22
This is a good month to embrace your madness. I’m saying this but in fact you have very little choice in the matter. It may be a good idea to walk around with a sign that reads “Yes I’m Mad, deal with it?” it would clear up confusion when interacting with people and could give you a good excuse to indulge in some things you’ve been thinking about for a while.

Leo 23 July – August 22
Mercury, messenger of the Gods and ruler of communication and co-ordination has moved into your sign, in reverse. This strange, never-before-seen phenomenon means you will experience a sudden and complete absence of communication skills. Trying to talk to people will prove futile, they will most likely assume you are from the planet Zorg, the best thing you can do is go on a month long silence retreat.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
It may seem like there is suddenly a vast array of attractive people around you, all doing their best to attract you. Beware of these people, you will find they have ulterior motives which may have a detrimental effect on your health. You would do better to focus your charm and diplomacy on your working relationships.

Libra September 23 – October 22
Venus takes pride of place in your sign this month; she is at her highest and most potent. This is why you are feeling such a strong desire to express your love for the world in a way that is truly selfless. Your humanitarian impulses are a wonderful thing but try to think logically before you act. If you give the homeless guy on the corner all your worldly possessions including the roof over your head, YOU will be the homeless guy on the corner and it’s not likely that anyone else will try to follow your example.

Africanlegend and friends celebrate Halloween.

By The Webmaster.

There is no time quite like Halloween. The streets are filled with little rascals dressed up as witches, wizards, vampires and monsters trick-or-treating juxataposed with adults dressed as the slutty variation of just about anything anyone can think of. Africanlegend took Halloween very seriously and decided to come up with not one, but two thought provoking costumes to celebrate the weekend.

Friday night: All Hallows eve.

AL decided to bring the Halloween weekend in with a Bang. He dressed as “Mr Pasion”, a man of passion and love, adorned with aviators, a fancy Latin shirt and sexy pants. “Mr Pasion” mysteriously evolved into KANYE WEST without AL even noticing. AL ran with it and proceeded to interrupt every body’s conversations with the now famous Kanye phrase, “Ei yo, I'm really happy for you and I’ma let you finish BUT...” AL quickly found out that the one thing that the populous harbors is a great distaste for random interruptions to conversations. Furthermore, it became clear that EVERYBODY thinks Kanye West is a total, felony class, douchebag (Read Kanye West article). Very soon people turned on AL and projected their anger towards Kanye West's douchbaggery on him, a poor defenseless man. Eventually it ended with an angry, inebriated young lady yelling out. “Are you Kanye West??!!!!...I f*&ken hate that guy!!” Following that she grabbed the glasses off his face and crumpled them into virtual oblivion, effectively ending the usefulness of the costume.

The Big Night: Halloween 2009

Ripped up pants, a torn t-shirt, and bonded hands meant AL managed to execute his costume perfectly. For this very special Halloween night, he decided he was going to dress up as KUNTA KINTE from the mini series “Roots. Kunta Kinte is widely regarded as the most famous slave of all time and dressing up as Kunta Kinte would be a celebration of a very stirring, thought provoking movie (most famous scene with Kunta Kinte). Problem! How would people respond? Black people got a real kick out it and AL's good friend “Black Wheaties” was left on the ground crippled with laughter in the fetal position. White people had an interesting response. Some saw the humor in it and called it the best costume of the night, while others tried to pretend there wasn't a guy obviously dressed like a slave walking around. The discomfort was characterized by quick glances, head shaking, whispering and the kind of silence you typically experience on a bad date. In the course of the night, AL received no offer for reparations and more importantly did not receive the “Forty acres and a mule” he was promised when he was emancipated at 1200 am.

“Potential Serial Killer” (PSK), a regular commenter on his blog (Stuff-About.com), made an appearance in a sexy, well put together nurse outfit. She then proceeded to try to seduce AL with the final goal of feeding him poisoned brownies (shockingly, yet again she let him live). “Mr Wonderful” showed up in a surgeons costume and proceeded to ask people if he could perform check ups on them. Marc (with a C) backed him up as an insurance claims agent. We also had Mark with a K in a classic Bruce Lee costume and Dan in his Dbag toxic assets costume. Other notable costumes were: a couple dressed as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, The Ghostbusters, Hunter Thompson, Dexter, a middle finger, an ice queen, a disturbingly big man-baby and the cutest little green dinosaur girl you will ever see.

At the end of the night, AL and his team of Halloween Avengers were sitting outside a pizza place eating terrible pizza when a guy came up to them and started discussing starting a Mariachi Band. AL proceeded to suggest the guy should find real Mexicans to play. AL thought this was a reasonable suggestion since Mariachi Bands are typically a Mexican thing. AL was consequently called a racist despite wearing a slave’s costume. Chaos ensued and before the Mariachi Dbag had stormed away, he had been replaced by a raging douchebag that would put even the antics of dbags like Russel Crowe and Mel Gibson to shame. The Raging Dbag walked up to AL's peaceful group and challenged them ALL to a fight. It soon became clear to nearby policemen that they would have to intervene. AL explained to the policemen that he and his Halloween Avengers had been besieged by a guy who should be charged with felony douchebaggery and immediately incarcerated. Once the Cambridge policemen realized that AL had everything under control, they retreated to the other side of the street to address more serious 1^st degree Halloween crimes. After the racial tension brought by the William Gates arrest, and the controversial “Arrest a Negro Coupon” article, AL was impressed by the outstanding manner in which the Cambridge Police force had handled the situation.

STUFF-ABOUT.COM's FAVORITE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. PRESS PLAY TO VIEW THE SLIDE SHOW!!!!!!


AL hopes you all had a wonderful, eventful, Dbag-free Halloween weekend.

"Go hard or go home".. on the new episode of #WWRD http://bit.ly/2L9SsI