African Terrorist Fails: Racism or African Time?

By The Webmaster. 

On Christmas Day the panic associated with flying was renewed as a Nigerian-born terrorist was apprehended after failing to successfully detonate an explosive device. He managed to sneak through security after TSA confiscated his soap, deodorant, toothpaste and all other hygiene-related products but somehow missed a small bomb.

This is a real life picture of the failed explosive obtained from the FBI in return for sexual favors.

There are many theories as to why the terrorist attack was unsuccessful. Some say it was poor execution; that the Nigerian operative followed African Time (AT) and arrived one hour late for the bomb assembly and detonation briefing. Others say racism was in play and suggest that Al Qaeda discriminated against their black operatives by supplying them with faulty explosives, not unlike the type you might find in a Walmart Supermarket. After finding the event on Google search, Al Qaeda quickly took credit for the attack on a VHS video with terrible picture and sound. However, their media correspondent Ali Baba, former soldier in the Forty Thieves battalion, stated that Al Qaeda was an equal opportunity terrorist organization and that race was not involved in the fiasco (Read: AL interviews former Al Qaeda operative). Stuff-about.com was able to get access to the detained terrorist on his lunch break and our reporter Africanlegend (AL) was able to ask him a few questions about the incident. Here is a brief excerpt of it:

AL: Now you know Nigerians get a bad rap for the “I am your long lost braada [brother] emails,” so why terrorism?

Afro Terrorist: Well I was recruited won dey while playing socca. I didn't know what it was about till the end.

AL: Why do you think it didn't work out?

Afro Terrorist: Racism! Jus becus I am a bluck Nigerian Braada, dey gave me dis thing dat doesn't work. In fuct I have called de NCAAP to represent me. I am tired of dem giving bluck operatives “separate but equal” weapuns.

AL went on to condemn his actions, stating that Africans did not need this extra stigma attached to them. AL stated that Africans had enough trouble convincing Americans that they didn't live in mud huts and that they did not know Mufasa personally.

It is certainly coming to this. 

In typical fashion, the US government has reactively tightened security by prohibiting even more  dangerous substances. They have responded by banning items like: medication, food, water and anything that might keep a human alive or stench-free on a long flight. A TSA representative was quoted as saying, "We would even prohibit oxygen if it meant people would feel safer flying." He went on to add that the TSA recommends travelers simply arrive totally naked at the security gates to speed things up. The airlines responded by charging fees for clothing in addition to baggage. Any clothing in addition to underwear will be deemed as carry-on language and a fee of $10/pound will be charged. There are also talks of profiling passengers based on religion and place of origin, which ironically would tell terrorists exactly what to avoid in order to be successful. 

Fear leading to prejudice. If that be the case, is the terrorist not winning the battle against freedom as we know it?

The true history of Christmas, including the bits they usually leave out, like the aliens.

It's a beautiful day

By Sparklingjem.

Once upon a time in a little town called Bethlehem a child was born. Following a series of unfortunate events,the child was finally born and placed in a manger. As the years rolled by, his birth created a series of much happier events now termed "the annual festival of Christmas." This is how it happened.

God looked down upon the earth using Google Maps. The people lived in a world of pain, prejudice, anger, greed and violence. He was sorry for the humans and wished he could make them happy. But since he had authored many books on leadership principles, he knew that he could not make them change their ways, he must lead by example. Unfortunately, He was a very busy man. He did not have time to demonstrate to the people of earth the power of love and forgiveness. After much thought he decided to create a son to lead the people of earth.

On another planet lived a race of aliens who were advanced far beyond the people of earth. They had great knowledge of all things, including obstetrics, and so God called upon them for advice. Communicating via Google Wave, they advised him on a time saving, energy efficient method they called Immaculate Conception. Then God chose Mary, who was pure of heart and sent the alien Gabriel to her. Gabriel explained everything and got her signature on the medical consent forms. God wanted his son to be born with the best possible care so naturally he avoided having him born in the US. Instead, he arranged for the aliens to send a spaceship to pick Mary up when the baby was about to be born. They agreed to rendezvous in a quiet little town called Bethlehem to avoid the paparazzi. When Mary arrived in Bethlehem accompanied by her DGF, Joseph, the aliens were nowhere to be found. Allegedly their GPS kept asking them to make a left turn where there was none and so they got lost.

Tom Cruise: Official Scientology Mascot.

In yesterday’s paper, Bethlehem had been given the prestigious “Best secret tourist destination on earth” award and it was now completely overrun with tourists; there was not a room to be found in any of the 384 hotels which had sprung up overnight. Mary persuaded a friendly inn keeper to let them rest in his old stables.

The stress of the whole fiasco sent Mary into early labour. Joseph called for the midwife, so the innkeepers wife sent the bell boy down to the pub. The midwife was dead drunk but he found an American paramedic on holiday with “Happy Trampling Tours” who was only slightly tipsy. He delivered a healthy baby boy whom Mary called Jesus Christ, after her favorite super star. The aliens eventually found Mary using Google Latitude and parked their space ship above the stable. The landing lights lit up the sky and three wise men who believed that the earth was a small part of a large universe filled with many planets and peoples saw them. Bearing gifts, they followed the light to welcome the aliens to earth. While three shepherds watched their flocks by night, they passed the time taking ‘shrooms. They also saw the light and a voice told them to follow it, so they did. The light led them to the stable where everyone in the pub including the ”Happy Trampling Tours” group was celebrating Jesus Christ’s birth. The wine, beer and spirits were flowing freely and everyone was having a good time. The aliens were gathered around the baby when the wise men came in and fell to their knees offering up gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. The aliens were pleased with the gifts and agreed to take the wise men to their spaceship. The wise men were so amazed by what they saw, they left immediately to begin the Church of Scientology.

The Innkeeper was so happy that his inn had reached number ONE in Google search so he decided to give all the factory rejects from his toy factory in the North Pole away as gifts, instead of selling them at a discounted price. A local shop keeper explained to a fascinated group of tourists that it was customary in Bethlehem to exchange gifts when a child was born. Just as he had hoped, the tourists were enthralled by this idea and expressed a wish to participate in this local custom. The shopkeeper nobly offered to open his shop and the word went round quickly. Very soon everyone was happily exchanging gifts and his yearly accounts showed a huge profit for the first time in many years. They continued drinking far into the night and into the next day. When God looked down he was happy to see his son’s arrival had brought such goodwill amongst all men. The celebrations lasted for twelve days and on the twelfth day all the happy travellers travelled on and everywhere they went they spread the word of Christmas.

Happy Holidays Friends!

This Christmas Story was brought to you by GOOGLE.

"You can't hide from us we're F@#k*ng everywhere :-)"

Universal Scale of ugliness : "Charismatic"

"I am so awesome! Please introduce me to your parents!"

By AL

In previous posts we have covered: Divine, Hot, pretty, cute and fair. Now we will explore "Charismatic. If you are Charismatic you are able to dominate any social scene and you are also a delight to hang out with. You have a positive effect on people and your rich personality, good humor and relaxed demeanor all bring joy into the lives of the people that hang out with you.

However, if someone wrote a letter to their parents describing you, they’d completely and for good reason leave out your looks. You are not attractive per se, however, you are not detrimentally ugly either. Your looks will not turn heads for good or for ill. You hover in the sub par area underneath average but you have smartly enriched yourself by arming yourself with a vibrant personality. People may refer to you as cute on occasion, but it will always be accompanied by some kind of qualifier like, “Kinda,” “I don't know what it is about her,” “from some angles” or “In dim light.” If someone asks your significant other if they could see pictures of you on facebook, your significant other will generally pretend facebook is broken and insist they meet you first. When people hook up with you, it always must be accompanied by some kind of explanation as to how it possibly happened. It doesn't have to be an elaborate explanation. It could simply be, “I felt vulnerable at the time,” “I was being a dedicated wingman,” or “I did it because she promised me drugs.”

Cute and Fair people do not like hanging out with you because you consistently show them up and destroy their self esteem. It is obvious that you are less attractive than they are, but it soon becomes evident to them that while they are smelling themselves, fixing their hair and putting on a seventh layer of make-up, you are actually making meaningful connections with people. You often find that cute and fair people don't invite you to parties or they give you wrong directions which cause Map Quest to lead you 4 hours astray into the adjacent state.

No worries though, the world loves you and are constantly reminded that it is not all about looks. Hail to the less attractive but charismatic, everyone has something to learn from you.

Chance of being successful: 90%

Personality: An absolute delight. Eligible to introduce to parents.

Chance of Marriage: 93.28 %

Chance of divorce: 9.3 %



COMING SOON "UNSIGHLTY"

Google is racist!!

Recently I (Africanlegend) was accused of being racist against my own kind. Which is to say, some of Stuff-about.com's contributers complained about the lack of black people in my pictures and posts.

Jane: "Africanlegend it appears you have something against black women. I challenge you to use pictures of black women in your next post!!"

African Queen: "Why are your pictures always of white people?"

Sahara Goddess: "Obviously AL, you haven't searched hard enough so I decided to help you out. (supplied poor evidence in the form of a link) "

I would like to take this opportunity to completely blame Google for this. The Google search engine discriminates against black people and places images of them on pages 1450 and further; in the never seen regions of the massive "Internets." The Algorithms at work either give preference to Caucasian pictures or portray black people as rappers, athletes, criminals or starving Africans.

Don't believe me?

Your Honor the prosecution would like to admit the following into evidence.

Exhibit 1.


Notes: Google refused to acknowledge the legitimate request to inquire as to the appropriate course of action to take if a white person happened to steal your car.

Exhibit 2


Notes: The burden is on all of you to prove to me that Michelle Obama actually owns a live, functional, banana consuming monkey. Otherwise Google's second suggestion "michelle obama monkey" is an age old racial attack.
However, as promised, I am responding to the critics. I explored the depths of Google oblivion to find pictures of black people. These were the easiest to find. Here we go! This is what the prejudiced search engine managed to muster up.

First black president of the United States eating chicken on page 1? Honestly!

The black athlete: The most ubiquitous and generic of black images.

A happy, well adjusted black family hidden in oblivion on page3455667700 of Google images.

Three Black kids eating water melon. I don't know but they look kinda happy though.

GGG Unit!! This one was found on the first page of Google images, because of course all black people rap?

If only these were passport photos? Nope, yet another picture of incarcerated black folk.

Found one the first page of Google images. Note, 50% of the picture is white. On the advice on commenter "KH" the women in the pic is in fact bi-racial making the picture, "25% white at best"

P.S I think this all began when some "sisters" complained that a brother showed some affection for a white woman...how typical haha. End racism, end Google!

Google was asked to make a comment on this article but as of yet, they have not responded to my request.

Exclusive! 5 tricks females use to win arguments!

"You have 5 minutes to find the cat..."

By Africanlegend.

After over 6 years of masquerading as a Designated Gay Friend (DGF), I became privy to many of the sophisticated games and tricks women use to bedazzle males and ensure victory in domestic disputes. Studies performed by Stuff-about.com's Institute of Gender Conflict indicate that women win 73.56% of all arguments and a further 89.35% of males report chronic depression or muliebriphobia (fear of women) as a result.

Tear Jerk.
This is a classic trick that has stood the test of time. For years women have used crying to bend men to their will. Crying is socialized out of the male at a very young age and consequently, they have no grasp of what the process of crying entails. Therefore, they have no means to defend against it. Males understand crying to be a result of a stimulus causing pain. For a woman, crying is simply an arbitrary response she can have to ANYTHING. Cute animals, Hallmark movies, bunny rabbits, glitter and absolutely no reason are all things that can cause a woman to cry. In short, to win an argument a woman just begins crying thus causing the man to become frozen to the spot like a naked Greek Statue wondering “wtf” just happened.

Feminist fatale.
When a woman is hopelessly losing an argument, she will often resort to an angle which you can not offer a rebuttal to and in the end you end up looking like an extremely insensitive dbag (Kanye West). The feminist attack is one of them. Suddenly when backed into a corner she will say something like, “You are just treating me like this because I am a woman. Men have been persecuting women for ages.” It is impossible to form a retort to this without sounding like the king of misogyny unless you are black or Jewish, in which case you can politely mention slavery or genocide.

The Sniper Ambush.
Females have realized the best way they can win an argument is if the male is totally unprepared and caught off guard. After realizing the male brain prefers to perform one task at a time, an attack was designed to confront a man while he is sleeping, eating or watching his favorite sports team. The man will not give her his full attention; instead he will go into “autopilot” and pretend to listen for safety reasons. A week will pass and he will reap the “benefits” of promises he made unconsciously. There will be pink and yellow curtains, lilac wall paper and a pet bunny rabbit; all of which he “promised” were ok in his moment of weakness.

The Drama Queen role reversal maneuver.
This is a classic female maneuver. It is a feat of psychological manipulation only the fairer sex is capable of executing effectively. It works something like this. The woman will flip out and begin hurling verbal insults. In the process, she will insult her in-laws while throwing objects that qualify as “Weapons of Mass Destruction.” She will then push him to the limits of his sanity with her antics. When he finally cracks and throws a tantrum of his own, she miraculously snaps back into a completely reasonable person. She will then say something like, “SEE! This is why I can't talk to you! OMG, you are so dramatic!!”

The Score Card.
Just because she has forgiven you, does not mean whatever you said or did will not be used against you in the “Female Court of Law.” You may have stared down the bosom of a fine lass or flirted with a barmaid. She caught you and got upset. You apologized. She forgave you and now you think it’s over right? WRONG! She has simply put it on her score sheet and she will save it for use at a later date. Just when you think you are winning an argument, she will unleash it and crush you like a cockroach.

Example
Dave: I said we are not getting ANOTHER bunny rabbit and that's FINAL!
Susie: Ok [walks away but turns around after a few steps and removes a small note pad]. Oh yeah, we need to talk about honesty because lately all you do is look at other women and make me feel unappreciated.
Dave: Um well.
Susie: You think I don't see these things, but I do and it is not right that you do that!
Dave: [on amazon.com] Honey, I found a Christmas special on the white fluffy kind, is that ok?

Stuff-About.com's quad-weekly Horror-scope: Christmas Edition.

By Sparklingjem.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
December brings adoration and attention from others. Do not get carried away. It is only that they have suddenly realized, in the light of your impending birthday, how absurdly old you are, despite your many attempts to ignore it. You could try to convince them that you are not yet at death's door, but it would be better to take advantage of the situation and do a few things you have always wanted to do. Jumping out of aeroplanes and other extreme sports are a good idea because if you die your loved ones are already prepared for it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Many past indiscretions are likely to come up to haunt you this month through enforced contact with family members. Console yourself with the thought that you were only 21 when you did that disastrous nude ABBA tribute concert that Great Aunt Mabel loves to bring up. In addition to that, be thankful that no one in your family witnessed your humiliating attempt at cabaret the following year.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
A large bearded stranger is set to come into your life this month and bring gifts. Unfortunately he may arrive late due to transportation problems, so make arrangements around this; be warned he may not be in the most jovial of moods due to flooding in his home town.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Career decisions move to the forefront this month as you set off on a new venture. Try to redefine your goals on a daily or hourly basis so that you do not get distracted by the strangely attractive plant you have been given for your new office. You may find that it wants more from you than you are willing to give, so suggest that one of your underlings be given the task of feeding it, preferably one you don’t like much.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are likely to find yourself extremely attracted to foreigners during this month so plan a vacation to Holland or, if you are looking for a more permanent relationship, ask your friends to club together for a mail order bride from Russia as a Christmas present.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fabulous month full of support and help popping up just when you need it from unlikely places such as your usually inanimate broom and other household appliances. Don’t be too alarmed, it is merely that the “Luck Spell” you ordered last year has finally arrived in the post and you are reaping the benefits of it.



Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In the middle of the month Pluto will move into your sign, but because it is no longer a planet nothing will happen.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The lunar eclipse on the last day of this month means that something fateful is about to come into fulfillment. Avoid making any sort of decisions and try to read the signs. This is not a time to defy the stars as tragic death awaits anyone who does, unless of course tragic death is your fate in which case it makes no difference either way.

Leo (23 July – August 22)
Due to Mars turning retrograde towards the end of the month, your Christmas season looks set to be full of angst and tension. You may find yourself becoming irrationally angry at the 5 story snowmen outside your neighbor's gate. However as your creativity also is increased this month, use it to channel your anger into something creative. Who knows you may begin a movement of angry Christmas art which could bring you fame and fortune.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Mercury is stationary in your sign for a very brief point this month which will lead to a minuscule breakdown in communications. Unfortunately this will lead Intelligence Agencies, through a series of misunderstandings, to become obsessed with your affairs. Make sure you have all business documents backed up safely and make contingency plans in case you mysteriously disappear.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Next year is going to be chaotic due to Saturn turning retrograde in January, so this month is all about regrouping and preparing. It is too early to know what obstacles you will face in the new year, so make sure you are well prepared. Stock up on everything from medieval armour, in case of time travel, to laser guns, in case of alien invasion. Don't forget to build inventories of Nic Naks and cockroaches, as they are the only protein rich food supplies which are guaranteed survive in an all out nuclear war.

(Scorpio October 23 – November 21)
This month you will be swept up by your emotions. Alas, try not to put too much starry-eyed faith in love as you could be unwittingly expecting too much from mere mortals. Rather dedicate yourself to devotion of sculptures; although they have no feelings they remain constant.

Vocabulary: Sexile

"15 minutes? Well there is something to be said about efficiency."

By AfricanLengend.

Sexile n (se-gzlksl): Sexile is the enforced or voluntary removal from one's dwelling because a roommate is involved in fornicatory activities and your presence would prove awkward and inappropriate.

This is a process that may occur in situations where roommates share living quarters. In these instances, all the sounds people make end up sounding as though they were in “HD Dolby Surround Sound” due to the acoustics or size of the space. That is to say, if an ant so much as took a breath, it would be audible, much less a passionately excited person engaging in finagling of the adult variety.

"Awkward."

Have you ever returned from a night out, class or just a cup of tea at your local coffee shop, walked up into your apartment only to hear deep, passion filled, breathing? Have you ever walked in and felt a tremor shaking the room like a small earthquake measuring 3.6 to 4 on the Richter scale? Worse yet, have you ever invited people over to your dorm room and walked in only to see statuesque, silhouette figures moving rhythmically in the dark. Or have you stumbled upon the sights and sounds of your roommate “Organ Grinding” or making the “beast with two backs” with a significant or not so significant other?

What did you do? You fumbled around in the dark and pretended that you needed to collect some essentials, trying your best not to look but of course human instinct triumphs and you do. After a minute of slurping down a bowl of awkward soup, you left and eventually found yourself in a late night coffee shop or community lounge. You finally looked at the literature you had managed to pick up during your short awkward spell in your room. All you could get your hands on in the erotic darkness was “Cooking Done Right by Rachael Ray” and a flyer with coupons to the local supermarket. Interestingly enough, you found out if you bought 3 dozen eggs you could get a dozen for free. The store is open 24 hours, so you take advantage of the deal. Now you are sitting marooned in a room, but at least you feel the accomplishment of having saved 20% off what you'd normally pay for eggs. Sound familiar? You experienced sexile and the sad fact was that until you received correspondence in the form of a text or call, you knew the unforgiving couch would be your best friend and fate for the rest of the night.

It’s Really Just the American Girls that Suck.

"Uma mulher bonita Português."

By Tim.

If you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well date a foreign chick.

If you’re like me, you have an insurmountable level of experience in failing horribly with women. It seems as though they scrutinize your every move. This can be a frustrating and humiliating experience, especially if you’ve not yet drank the doctor's recommended amount of
"get shut down juice". If you’re sick of being laughed at by America’s vagina sentinels, then maybe it’s time you circumvent the issue entirely and date a foreign chick.

You might be thinking “Hey, how can I transcend the language barrier if I can’t even convince American girls to blow me?” That’s a very educated question. Fact is, the language barrier is actually a catalyst. The foreign chick’s English is broken, devoid of any understanding of sarcasm, and impossible to comprehend. By virtue of your attempt to communicate, you appear charming, for she has no other option but to assume you are. Compare this to your last failed attempt at landing an American chick, who opined that you didn’t mention Jaeger bombs enough times to be sexy.

"Красивых русских женщин"

Not only are foreign chicks easier to get along with, they’re actually better. Many places that are not the U.S. have a culture and familial system that have lasted for centuries. Usually this system is patriarchal. As a result, foreign chicks are often impressively domesticated and can cook very good meals (except for Irish women). They can be expected to have an interest in saving money because they didn’t see an episode of
"Cribs" until relatively late in life. Also, even the ones with ambition are willing to give it up so they can cook you meals and let you follow your dreams.

This scenario is just like how American car manufacturers were lazy and couldn’t pull their weight, so when foreign cars flooded the market with more value at a cheaper price, the stuck-up American ones couldn’t compete. Yea, it’s just like women.

So quit being and asshole, Date a foreign chick!

Some men go to EXTRAORDINARY means to attract foreign hotties! Watch the video below...HAHA!

Lesbians (Lesbos): How to spot a real one from a fake.

By Sparklingjem.

Lesbians (Lesbos) are becoming more and more difficult to distinguish from the general mass of girls in the world. The main reasons for this are that firstly of course real lesbians hate men. They hate all men and although men make them feel physically ill if they get too close, they love to confuse, tease and torment men (Diary of a concerned citizen Lesbos Announce thyselves). The second reason is that while lesbians hate men, men don’t hate lesbians, in fact they find them EXTREMELY attractive and so straight girls often "lesb-it-up" in order to seem more appealing. Despite this, there are a few key give aways which make it easy to spot the fakes.

Music.

The type of music a girl likes always sets apart the real lesbians from the fakers. Real lesbians only like obscure feminist singers and groups no straight person has ever heard of. Examples of this are Ani Difranco, Teagn and Sara and Indigo Girls. Straight girls who are lesb-ing –it-up will be listening to commercial lesbian music such as Tatu and Kate Perry. If she is walking around singing “I kissed a girl and I liked it” she is NOT a real lesbian.

Her nails.

While it is untrue that all lesbians are unattractive and do not take any pride in their appearances, they have dispensed of a number of the more moronic female practises. This is because lesbians have an extremely vigorous natural selection process prior to initiation to ensure only the strongest most intelligent lesbians survive. One of these is having long nails which is an entirely impractical practice and unsuitable for any woman who actually does things other than putting make-up on. If her nails are longer than the top of her fingers she is definitely not a lesbian, she is just pretending.

AL: I know Ani DiFranco! Maybe I am Lesbian!

The "Lesbian Manual."

Yes there is one. However, if she is carrying around the 685 page booklet containing everything a lesbian should know about how to be one and during your conversation pages through it to find appropriate responses to your questions, then she is NOT a real lesbian. Real lesbians read the manual during initiation, BEFORE they come out and they know all the answers by heart. They only carry the Mini Manual of Lesbian Essentials which is a small 20 page booklet, containing among other things, a short version of the lesbian karma sutra and advice on ways to confuse Straight Men.

Her diet.

Most lesbians are vegetarian. It is a lifestyle choice that the International Association of Lesbionics decided on in a universal conference early in the 70’s where they settled all essential aspects of lesbian life at the time. Times have changed of course. As of the “Lipstick Lesbian rebellion” of 1983, lesbians are allowed to wear their hair long but unstyled in addition to the more customary short and spiked. But when it comes to what they eat, lesbians everywhere have remained committed to the ideals of vegetarianism while still appreciating things like cheese and chocolate. If she is a vegan she’s trying too hard to appear lesbian and isn’t really aware of the Laws of Lesbionics which are taught to all new lesbians in a top secret class given by Ellen after they have been initiated and sworn into the Lesbian sisterhood.

If you are still unsure invite her on a wilderness survival camp. If she is a lesbian she will jump at the chance and she will make it obvious in the first 5 minutes that she is a lesbian by building a luxury camp complete with running water and working showers with nothing but a pen knife and some matches. This is a skill which all lesbians must possess to survive the two weeks alone in the wilderness prior to their initiation. It does not mean she has been in the military which is a common misconception when it comes to lesbians.