As you well know, Stuff-about.com frowns upon mediocrity of any kind. In the spirit of excellence we present you with another installment of our "6 ways to be the best..." self-improvement series.
By: PSK ~Potential Serial Killer~
(Edited by Africanlegend before she yet again tried to eliminate him by “cupcake”)
Friends and fellow blog readers, I have been racking my brain trying to think of a way to thank those of you who have encouraged me to embrace my true identity. After reading "Halloween survival guide: How to tell if you are living next door to a serial killer" I finally figured out how to show my gratitude. As a special thank you, I would like to share every thing I have learned thus far about serial killing.
"Believe me, they're to die for :-)"
I understand this one may seem odd, but joining a community organization takes you off the suspect list if someone were to uncover your dump site. Joining a neighborhood watch is a good idea; this will allow you to freely stalk your prey without anyone being the wiser. Become a soccer coach, a choir leader, or even a pastor at your local church. However, do not become a gym instructor, that is a dead give away that you are a serial killer.
2. Find a niche market.
Do not just think it is acceptable to stalk and rid the world of normal people. That type of thinking is not only trite and over used, it is also the theme of many crappy TV shows. Every successful serial killer should have a target market. Find a niche. For example, Dexter Morgan, from the TV series “Dexter”, likes to kill murderers; my passion however, is to seek out and eliminate African bloggers. If your obsession happens to be leggy blondes, that should be your market, or maybe you want to wipe out every used car salesman, which of course would be doing humanity a favor. Finding a market is a crucial step before moving on to the next one….
3. Create your own style.
No one likes a serial killer with an identity crisis. Personally, I like to put on a Martha Stewart-esque apron with blue flowers on it and serve my unsuspecting victims toxic baked goods. Maybe this isn’t for you. Be creative! The possibilities are truly endless. I suggest finding something you are good at and love to do and incorporating that into your style.
4. Stalk your Prey.
By stalk, I am not just referring to Facebook stalking. Although a valid form of stalking, Facebook's impersonal limitation leaves it a first choice for only novice serial killers. In order to excel, you really have to step it up a notch. Know your victims schedule – what time they get up, when they eat, when they sleep, where they go jogging, which side of the bed they sleep in. Every detail counts. If they do ridiculous things like eat cookies in sets of threes or own tables that you aren't allowed to place anything on, you should know this. It will help you plan the perfect attack.
5. Master a martial art.
Aikido, Capoeira, Hwa Rang Do, Jeet Kune Do, Ju Jitsu, Judo – whatever your preference is, it will be of use to you. The great thing about serial killing is how personal it is. I suggest finding at least 2 martial arts trainers - you will get a well rounded understanding of the art and neither will suspect that you are using your newfound skill to assist in your hobby.
6. Find the perfect dump site.
The perfect dump site can be difficult. It should be dark, discreet, and most importantly, it should have no cameras around. You should monitor this place well and get very familiar with it before you make your first dump. Try not to make it something obvious like a garbage dump or your ex-girlfriend's back yard since those sites can be easily traced back to you.
Follow these 6 steps and you will be on your way to becoming the best serial killer you can be. Happy Hunting!
Sent by anonymous email source
Disclaimer: This is only intended to be used for educational purposes. The use of anything you read without the express permission of Stuff-about.com is prohibited.
Also in the series:
6 ways to be the best Dbag you can possibly be.
