By A Sparklingjem impersonator.
There are numerous laws that men abide by. This coding system has come to be known as “Man Law”. Women also have a multitude of laws and implicit rules that they abide by to prevent anarchy and total chaos. Here are a few:
1. It is acceptable for a woman to resolve conflict with another woman by physically fighting her. If the conflict is at a bar or club, it is only permissible for the fight to take place in the womens' bathroom.
2. If two women both like a man, the first woman to have seen him shall be offered the first action, regardless of her aggregate attractiveness. If the first sighting was simultaneous, the first woman he talks to shall be awarded the first action. If there is still a dispute, law number 1 immediately goes into effect.
3. A woman may not knowingly purchase the same item of clothing as a friend. However, she may borrow said item as many times as she wants, provided it is at least six days from the last time her friend wore it. She also must ensure that she wears said item at a different location.
4. Bringing a boyfriend to an officially scheduled “Ladies Night Out” is punishable by death and/or loss of reputation.
5. A woman must never leave any of her female entourage with any man or at a bar or public place. The exception to this is if man has been screened by at least 3 friends for a period of no less than 15 minutes each. For safety reasons, he should also be required to provide: 3 forms of government issued ID, his resume, 3 professional references and one family member to be held as collateral.
6. Jealousy of other women is permissible if she looks more attractive or she thought of something to attract attention that you overlooked. The exception to the rule is if said woman is listed as an official "BFF".
7.I) If your best friend breaks up with a guy, it follows that the guy remains off limits for a period of no less than 6 years, but no greater than 25. He may also be available if the principle woman unexpectedly dies and an official police inquiry lists the circumstances of death as “natural causes”.
7.II)If the guy dumped your best friend, it is not permissible to date him at any point, present or future, and doing so will result in loss of reputation, eternal exile or death by hanging.
8. It is considered high treason to knowingly let your friend leave for a night out with unflattering attire or clothing that enhances any undesirable attributes she may posses.
9. If a group of guys approaches a group of your friends and one of your friends has no guy to talk to, she must consult her registered “BFF”. If her “BFF” is attracted to any particular male in the group, the girl is required to stay and tough it out. If the “BFF” does not fancy any of the guys, the lone girl is permitted to make up any excuse that may cause a mass exodus and consequently ruin things for everyone else. This may include things like: contagious disease, burning apartments, tv shows, manicures etc.
10. A woman may use shopping as a therapeutic activity. She may not perform this activity with a male unless he is gay and an officially registered “DGF” (Designated Gay Friend). This is to avoid any potential complications associated with being hit on.
Can you think of any others? Leave a comment!