1. Diamond Rings and big ticket items...
Probable Cause: A fairly serious Eff up; like Adultery.
Effed Up Rating: 8.9/10
If you start seeing big ticket gifts that pop up out of the blue, you can be sure something dubious is going on. In most cases such grandiose gestures of love tend to be motivated by guilt. They guy has probably slept with your best friend, your sister or a hooker, and in some cases those classifications overlap. A perfect example of this is professional basketball star Kobe Bryant, who was charged with felony sexual assault against a 19-year-old woman at an exclusive spa. His response? He bought his wife a $4 million diamond ring. A rock that you might imagine Indiana Jones, battling zombie monkeys and jumping over lakes of lava to get to, in Indiana Jones and the Rock of the Colossal Screw Up . Love may motivate a man to buy gifts for a woman but guilt will certainly make him buy bigger shinier ones.
Probable Cause: General Neglect or being male.
Effed Up Rating: 4/10
This is pretty much the standard gift a guy will get a woman because he did something that has mildly upset her. In most cases, he may not know exactly what he has done and may not even see the error of his ways. However, in the same way men will not understand why certain things upset women, they also don’t understand how flowers seem to fix it. I’d understand if the flower bore fruit which ultimately lowered my cholesterol, thereby improving my standard of living, but just a bunch of things which smell and look pretty has never truly made me feel better. Then again I'm only a boy!
Probable Cause: Sex deprivation.
Effed Up Rating: 2/10
Chocolates are a wonderful gift to anyone. In fact, on many occasions I have eaten this particular gift before presenting it to it’s recipient, or shortly thereafter, claiming that "sharing is caring" and citing religious references to back me up. Practically speaking though, there are several studies showing that chocolate may have aphrodisiac-like qualities. Chocolate is thought to stimulate the production of “love drugs” in the body. It stimulates Phenyl-ethylamine (PEA), which stimulates pleasure centers in the brain, Tryptophan, which aids the production of the feel good hormone Serotonin, and Anandamide (meaning “internal bliss”) which is connected to heightened sensitivity. A few studies have found that 40-70% of women claimed to prefer chocolate to sex. One separate study found that some women claimed to prefer toast. Either way, if the woman feels great, it increases the likelihood of what scientists have described as “getting some.” So don’t be surprised next time you find a man trying to shove chocolate and/or toast down your throat.
Probable Cause: There may not necessarily be one.
Effed Up Rating: N/A
Ironically, although this should technically be normal and relationships should not rely on material tokens, this state of affairs will only ever result in a man needing to buy a gift from section number 2. Surprisingly to most of the female population, if a guy doesn’t get a girl anything, it is not a sign that he doesn’t care. There is more than one way to express affection. He may prefer to beat the crap out of some guy that disrespected you than send you a “thinking about you” card with rainbows and pink unicorns. On the other hand, if he does ABSOLUTLY nothing, that isn’t exactly normal either; in fact that merits an Effed Up Rating of 7.
5. A sentimental gift.
Probable cause: A genuinely thoughtful guy/Stalker
Effed Up Ranting: 1/10
Spontaneous gifts trump just about about any other type of gift. If a guy listens to you and gets you something you’ve really been dying for, or a gift that means a lot to you, then that is a great sign that he is thinking about you in a positive light. Sadly, stalkers exhibit the same type of tender love and care. There is a very fine line between a caring guy and a stalker. I am willing to go so far as to say that the only difference is that the girl likes the attention in one case and doesn't in the other. In fact stalkers and caring guys actually exhibit exactly the same tendencies. For example they may both:
- Call and text you often.
- Want to follow you everywhere and be with you all the time.
- Be all over your Facebook like a terminal disease.
- Show up unexpectedly or unannounced.
- Know you and your habits in tremendous detail.
- Video tape you doing stuff.
This will all be cute until you break up……then he will officially register himself as a stalker!
6. Random Getaways or Trips:
Probably Cause: An Eff Up of major and catastrophic proportions, usually of an illegal nature.
Effed Up Ranking: +18/10
Anytime there is any sudden plan to get as far away from an area as quickly as possible, you have to be wary of the circumstances. This is the the type of gift fugitives of the order of Johan Van Der Sloot may bestow upon you in order to flee the scene of a crime and seek refuge in a country with a history of non-extradition. It's one thing to spontaneously decide to leave the country next week but to out of the blue suggest a romantic getaway is very suspicious activity and can only mean he is trying to flee a steaming pile of excrement that will possibly land him in jail. Either that or he fears for his life, having got on the very bad side of a latino woman. Either way there is a high probability that this will be a one way trip.