01/10 ~ Stuff-About.com

The Sparkling Guide to Men: The Free Spirit

11:42 AM Isaac Lungu

"But infinitely more dirty!"

By Sparklingjem.

The free spirit is a passionate nomad, unchained by the fetters of social conditioning. He has let go of our western attachment to material objects and disposable lifestyles. He is a great believer in saving the planet by minimizing his impact rather than actively doing anything. Consequently, he will choose to have no home, no car and no money. In short, he is a hippie who has missed his era. In the 21st century he is little more than a broke romantic in terms of relationships. His saving grace is his strong ideals and passionate beliefs. Whether his ideals and beliefs are born out of necessity from his lifestyle or vice versa makes little difference. He has to impress you with his grand thoughts rather than gestures.

Becoming the free spirit:
The free spirit is not for everyone, you really have to be able to commit to not caring about hygiene and other superfluous things considered important by our "misguided" society. It is essential you have a registered cause to fight for as without one you are just “The Crazy Guy” who does not even feature on our list (hmm..or maybe I'll get AL to write that since I suspect he may be one.). A piece of cardboard proclaiming “The end is nigh” does not count as a cause. you also need a guitar (guitar chords). You don't even have to be able to play it because carrying it around and distracting people by talking non-stop about social issues seems to work just as well.

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips

Types of girls this is best for: rebellious rich girls, naive idealistic girls, girls who have lost their sense of smell.

Guys who suit this role: homeless and unemployed guys, failed visionaries, incredibly ineffective anarchists.

Why he’s irresistible: he is passionate to the extreme, if he is willing to sacrifice so much for the seals in Antarctica imagine how committed he could be to you.

What you should wear: fifth hand clothing, preferably found in a dumpster, reconstituted bedding and curtains. Ironically, most of these items can be found at department stores like Abercrombie and Fitch but at prices ranges spitefully out of the Free Spirit's budget.

Where you should take her: feed the ducks in the park with stolen bread, green peace rallies, anti-war protests.

Important tips: The dating range of the free spirit is limited. This is because girls develop a natural instinct to home build during puberty. Once they reach the age of 21 they expect The Free Spirit to become Mr Romantic, and suddenly acquire at the very least a home.

COMING SOON: The Rebel

Stupid people that need to GO: The "I don't listen to mainstream music" guy.

1:00 PM Isaac Lungu

By Musty.
You have ALL encountered this stupid person at some point because he often has nothing better to do. This scenario will sound familiar: It's bright and early on a Monday morning. You get into your cubicle to get some work done and turn on the radio to help you focus. Suddenly this guy pops up out of nowhere. "What song is this dude?" he asks, with a slightly evil look in his eye. He already knows exactly how this is going to play out. "This is the new Coldplay song", you reply a little smugly. He quickly volleys back with the classic, "Oooooh, I would have never known... I don't listen to pop music". A little daunted, you ask him why not. He immediately launches into his standard "Oh, it's just too commercial, too overproduced and it's just not that good dude!" He's used it 600 times but it always works. You make the fatal mistake of asking him what he listens to. He proceeds to tell you all about this underground indie ska rock band out of Sweden called Chupäcäbrå, and this Himalayan Buddhist monk hip-hop group named Salute to the Gun. All you can do is just sit there helpless and nod while he shoves obscure band names down your throat as if he was force feeding a disgruntled child.

Why this person is a Douchebag: Do you want to know why that underground Ska band he raves about is still underground? BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BECOME A POPULAR BAND. People like this assume that the greatness of a band is inversely proportional to how many fans they have. "But if that was the case, dumbass, then the Beatles would be equivalent to four retarded monkeys wearing propeller hats blowing on kazoos."

How to deal with this person: Think of a series of words that have no meaning individually and a random country that may or may not exist, and when this person tells you about their band, you can counter with this. "Sounds cool, bro, but have you heard Anklomaena? They're a Neo-Afro revisionist Sampala band that takes their influences from the Kundari people of East Timor. They're pretty badass" As soon as they hear that, they'll realize they've been put in their place, and they won't bother you for at least 3 days while they try to Google this non-existent band. Either way, The "I don't listen to mainstream music" guy just has to GO!

OTHER STUPID PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GO:
The "My boyfriend is like Jesus but twice as good" chick.
The "You don't know what you are missing" guy.
The "I don't listen to mainstream music" guy.
The "F My life" chick
The "Yeah I'm an Asshole so what?" guy.
The "OCD" Chick.
"The book is way better than the movie" guy.
The "Google Me" Guy
The "All men are Jerks" chick.
The "I can't live without my i-phone" chick.
Debie Downer.
The "Do you live in mud huts in Africa?" guy.

Ground Breaking study on women released.

12:08 PM Isaac Lungu

By The Webmaster.

In 1843, after his wife had driven him to the brink of insanity, a once eminent scientist in Papa New Guinea named Li Chin Nguyen conducted laboratory tests to study the nature of the female. The results were outlawed and blacklisted by the government of Papa New Guinea because some of his research methods were deemed inhumane. He was ordered to destroy his work, but managed to preserve some of his papers. In November of 2008, a distant relative of Li Chin's ex-wife stumbled upon original documents describing his tests and findings.

Dr Nguyen's findings:

1.Crying Test
15 average women, aged 18 -35, were placed in a tastefully decorated room and subjected to Lifetime and Hallmark movies. As expected, all 15 women began to cry after an average of 28.6 minutes. They were then asked to fill out a survey explaining why they were crying.

Results: Only 20% of the women were able to explain definitively why they were crying. 30% were unable to explain why they were crying and continued crying for the rest of the day. 50% of the women gave reasons that did not relate to the movie at all including some mild nondescript stress, a man that cheated on them sometime in the past, BFF's that betrayed them and “some bitch at work.” Interestingly it was found that 100% of the women knew at least 1 “bitch at work.”

2. Brain test
The same group of 15 women were presented with ten images of different people wearing different clothes and in different situations. After this process the pictures were removed and they were asked to recall what they remembered. As a control one of the pictures was of themselves.

Results: All the women could easily recall classically trivial details like the clothes the people were wearing, the type of shoes they had on, hairstyles, the average size of their nose or whether they had an engagement ring.

Only 6% of the women noticed that one of the people was carrying a gun and an astounding 97% failed to notice that one of the individuals was inside a tank. The 3% who did notice all mentioned that the tank's color did not match the individuals clothing. Only 0.1% of the women were able to recognize themselves by recognizing a familiar item of clothing.

"Hmm, Why was I crying again?"

3. Self Preservation test
The 15 women were subjected to 10 men with classic douchebag traits, 10 model citizens and 10 “normal” men. The women were asked to pick which men they felt naturally attracted to.

Results: The women all felt naturally attracted to 9 out of the 10 douchebags selected. None of the women were attracted to one of the douchebags complaining that he resembled Kanye West. 4 of the 10 "model citizen" men managed to naturally attract a majority of the women. “He looks like a douchebag” was cited as the most common reason for that. None of the women were attracted to the “normal” men, their described reactions ranging from mild irritation to chronic mood swings and nausea. Eventually, the men had to be escorted out of the room for their own safety after the women began throwing projectiles at them.

4. Cat fight Test
5 of the douchebags from test 3 were placed in an enclosed room with the 15 women. The men were asked not to speak to the women. The room was observed and the results compiled.

Results: The women alternated between eying the douchebags and giving each other death stares for 15.8 minutes until the first projectile was thrown. Following that, war ensued and before long the tastefully decorated room resembled main street in Baghdad, Iraq. While we managed to airlift most of the men to safety, 4 were severely injured and one was killed in the process. Although we would have liked to avoid any causalities, we felt Kanye West was an acceptable loss.

5. Chocolate Test
The 15 women were each administered chocolates from various parts of the world. Then their blood pressure and brain responses were observed and recorded.

Results: Before the test could be administered, all the chocolate mysteriously disappeared. While each of the women denied it, they all seemed happier and more stable while reporting an increased libido. The FBI was called in to assist with the investigation but turned up no leads. Mysteriously they could not find any evidence after 8 hours of investigating and interrogating the women.

Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the scientific testing; JUST MEN.

The Sparkling Guide to Men: Mr. Romantic (Monsieur Passion)

12:13 AM Isaac Lungu

By Sparklingjem.

Most men subscribe to a certain “prototype” in order to attract women. At Stuff-About.com’s institute of Life Sciences, we have spent months observing and researching the most prevalent types. We present our ground breaking research on the most common types of men that exist naturally.

Mr Romantic (Monsieur Pasion)
This is the romantic guy you find in story books, the knight in shining armor. This is the type of guy who "understands" how women feel and treats them like they are the center of the universe. This type of approach is not fool proof and has to be done perfectly to work. If done incorrectly, it could backfire and he may end up looking more like a deranged stalker trying to buy his way into her affections.

The romantic guy is also the type to make grand gestures or big plays. He will do things like send 10080 roses to a girl's office on their one week anniversary; one rose for every minute they’ve been together. Or on a much grander scale take her to Paris and hire The Eiffel Tower for the evening. The girl may even wake up one morning to find a life size structure of The Statue of Liberty in her room with a card attached to it and the words "Thinking of you" written inside it in glittered ink (Viva la liberte!). There are very few women who can resist a man that makes them feel so special.

Mr Romantic Picture

Becoming Mr Romantic:
The good news is the romantic guy is fairly easy to pull off if you have a lot of money and fantastic credit score. So it maybe worth while to do a free credit report to see if you are financially able to execute what will likely have a significant financial burden. Grand gestures are expensive and the more the better. Once you establish yourself as a big play specialist she will expect nothing short of this every time you meet. Eventually you may be expected to part the Red Sea or perform other Jesus-related miracles. It is important that these gestures are well thought out and have a personal touch. But a good Personal Assistant should be able to help you hit the right note, you just have to follow the plan.

Sparklingjem's advice and tips:

Types of girls this is best for: High maintenance, good looking girls you want to be seen out with.

Guys who suit this role: Public figures, boring unimaginative guys, guys who fall at "offensive" or below on the universal scale of ugliness.

Why he’s irresistible: Women love to feel special and he’s not afraid to show the world how much he loves her.

What you should wear: The romantic guy should wear an expensive dark suit. Always carry a handkerchief for when she bursts into tears because she’s so overcome with emotion.

Where you should take her: Start off with places like expensive French restaurants and posh charity dinners before the build up to flying her off to Paris or Rome for the weekend.

Important tips: Make sure you do at least one thing every day to let her know you are thinking about her. If you are busy, have your secretary send flowers and a note. Make sure the note is hand written by you. You can keep a couple ready in a drawer for emergencies.

The best gestures are the ones she doesn’t have to tell anyone about; because everyone saw it happening. Women are easily influenced by their peers and colleagues. If every woman in her office is enviously telling her how lucky she is, she will happily agree with them.

WARNING: In a small and largely insignificant group of girls, this approach may create adverse reactions such as nausea, dizziness and emergency number dialing.

Coming soon: The Free Spirit

Universal Scale of Ugliness : "Offensive."

12:21 AM Isaac Lungu

By AL.

In the case of this particular brand of ugly, it is such that you possess the ability to alter somebody's mood and place them in a worse state than before they encountered you. For example, if it is a beautiful sunny day; 75 Degrees F (24 C), 5% chance of light showers, but if someone sees you they will immediately be reminded of 2 Degrees F (-16.67C), blizzard-like conditions with torrential snow and a national winter storm advisory. For this reason when someone sees you they are immediately offended because you have ruined their day just by appearing.

Your level of ugly is such that you upset the natural balance of things. You make young children malcontent and babies will instinctively cry in your presence. Consequently, you will not be able to be gainfully employed in any occupation that requires the pastoral care of children.

People will generally avoid you and it is very possible you may receive 3-4 preemptive restraining orders per week from people you’ve never met that have heard of your legend. In addition to that, be prepared and able to appear in court on charges of disturbing the peace. Take care to limit your movement at night because in certain states police officers may be empowered by law to issue you an ugly ticket if they find you walking the streets after dark.

Statistics indicate that you will likely find a mate but you may be overly paranoid about them someday coming to their senses or perhaps regaining their sight.

Examples: Lindsay Davenport, William Defoe, Steve Urkcle "Family Matters", JJ (Top left) "Good times," Mini-ME "Austin Powers".

Examples (by reader request): Steve Buscemi, Mickey Rourke

Personality: Quite charming provided you remain unseen.

Chance of Marriage: 68 %

Potential you will Stalk Spouse: 123%

Chance of divorce: 5.3 %

COMING SOON: Nauseating!!!

The Newbie's Guide to Facebook: The 3 main purposes of facebook.

12:04 AM Isaac Lungu

By Sparkling-legend (yet another dumb celebrity couple.)
Facebook may have started out as a social networking site, but it has evolved to serve 3 main purposes.

"I don't know ANY of them but that doesn't mean we can't be friends!"

Database of useless people.
Facebook serves as a large and predominantly useless database of people, most of whom you have little to no interest in. Statistics show that on average a person will have 48310 fb friends and out of those you have probably only met 36740 of them. 26940 are casual acquaintances, 6570 are people you hated in high school, 730 are work colleagues, 1670 are relatives, 320 are family, 190 are friends of family and 8 are real friends. In truth, most of the people fb has connected you with could easily be filed under the ‘people you’ve never met and otherwise don't care about' category. Having done all this math, you suddenly realize that this leaves a small contingent of people that you clicked the "add friend" button simply because you pity them. You felt sorry for them because they only had 2 friends (including their mother) or had a pitiful "please be my friend" expression in their profile picture and a cute animal. Facebook has even evolved to the point where it can actively suggest people for you to become friends with. However, I have found this feature to be spiteful rather than useful since it commonly suggests ex-significant others that can't stand you, former stalkers or people that bullied you in high school.

Stalking.
Then there is stalking. Everybody knows the main purpose of Facebook is to make stalking easier. In the old days stalking was difficult and time consuming. You had to have special skills like invisibility, ultrasonic hearing and x ray vision or extremely large electronic and financial resources. However, in recent times, Facebook has made stalking available to the masses. From the comfort of your own home or office cubicle you can automatically track anyone’s movements as long as they are your “friend,” "friend's friend," in your network, or simply on planet earth. The stalking habit helps feed most people's facebook addiction.

Screening.
Facebook’s most important function is screening. You wake up after a night out, just before the pounding headache hits take over and you remember giving your number to a guy called Steve, who came with your BFF’s boyfriend. You jump on to fb after 3 glasses of rehydrate which you hastily made out of a raw egg and a banana (your grannies hangover remedy, which ironically means she was once a drunk). You log on to Facebook and wince at the embarrassing photos some anonymous bitch has already uploaded and tagged you in where you notice your hair looked like you'd been electrocuted at maximum voltage. Eventually you find Steve. His name is actually Kevin. You quickly peruse his photo’s to get a quick taggregate of how attractive he is. So far so good. He has put beer and sex at the top of his interests... Douchebag! You are now attracted and intrigued. You scroll down through his music list. You ignore the James Blunt, Britney Spears and Maroon 5. You scan through his movie list. “Favorite movies: Titanic.” You switch off your computer and go back to bed. Mission accomplished!!

He is probably gay and Facebook saved you at least one awkward conversation......

THANKS FACEBOOK!

"Stalk and let live!"

4 Facts about Dating explained by Evolutionary Biology.

11:47 AM Isaac Lungu

"At a bar near you"

The Male Silverback Gorilla's mating ritual consists of posturing, muscle flexing, chest beating, loud grunts, stancing and generally showing off in front of the female in a ritualized dance. There is a very good reason why this sounds like the behavior of a typical dbag that you might find inhabiting a local bar. The truth is, we are not unlike our savage counterparts and the primitive rituals associated with dating and courtship can actually be explained through evolutionary biology. Here is a scientific explanation of a few common dating trends.

1.Women are more picky than men.
Evolutionary science can explain why it is that males have a slightly more liberal approach to selecting mates than females. The answer lies in our reproductive mechanisms. A female produces one egg a month but man produces billions of little soldiers ready to attack at anytime. For this reason a woman has to be more selective in her endeavor. A woman's reproductive system can be compared to a revolver; very few bullets that must be well aimed and timed to get maximum effect. Conversely, a male's reproductive system works more like automatic machine gun mounted on a chopper, yielded by Arnold Schwarzenegger, capable of firing a million bullets per second and hitting the target only because of the sheer number of bullets fired.

2.Women love Dbags!
It is no secret that women have a tendency to go for Dbags. This is not a novel concept neither is it necessary from an evolutionary standpoint since a douchbag is not exactly a reliable mate. Why does it still happen then? The answer is douchbaggery in a male closely resembles the classic traits males USED to need in a harsh world where being eaten by a giant anaconda was a legitimate fear. Jock-like strength, physical prowess, decisiveness and bravery were all useful traits to promote survival. Although today's dbag has added superfluous elements like ill-treatment of women, popped collars, backwards hats and bluetooth head sets, he still displays more classically male traits then a nice, pathetically submissive, wimpy guy.

3.Bars are mostly full of dbags.
In evolutionary science you have Natural Selection and Sexual Selection. Natural Selection's goal is directed toward successful continuation of a species by preserving the best genes. Sexual Selection is about preferential traits one gender sees in the other which are not necessarily useful for survival. For example, the female peacocks randomly decided to sleep with the males that had the brightest, most colorful feathers. This rendered the male deafeningly visible to its predators, standing in the wilderness like a dbag with a bull's eye on it buttocks. In relation to humans, women are sexually selecting nice guys out of existence and driving them away from bars to bookstores and coffee shops where they have a better chance of finding a mate.

4. Men like curvy women.
From an evolutionary standpoint, the explanation to this is simple. Women with larger hip areas had a greater chance to survive child birth. In the early stages of development and carrying through to modern times human males have been reluctant parents. Civilization even had to enforce laws, like child support, to force males to be parents. Due to this strange biologically-related tendency, males gravitated to picking the female most likely to survive so they would not have do parenting of any sort. By mating with a female survivor, the male could have time to focus on more important things like playing the "X-Rock" (distant ancestor of what we call the X-Box) with his friends and mixing wheat and barley which would later be liquidized and sold worldwide under the name "beer."

6 ways to be the best serial killer you can possibly be

7:56 PM Isaac Lungu

As you well know, Stuff-about.com frowns upon mediocrity of any kind. In the spirit of excellence we present you with another installment of our "6 ways to be the best..." self-improvement series.

By: PSK ~Potential Serial Killer~
(Edited by Africanlegend before she yet again tried to eliminate him by “cupcake”)

Friends and fellow blog readers, I have been racking my brain trying to think of a way to thank those of you who have encouraged me to embrace my true identity. After reading "Halloween survival guide: How to tell if you are living next door to a serial killer" I finally figured out how to show my gratitude. As a special thank you, I would like to share every thing I have learned thus far about serial killing.

"Believe me, they're to die for :-)"

1. Join a community Organization.
I understand this one may seem odd, but joining a community organization takes you off the suspect list if someone were to uncover your dump site. Joining a neighborhood watch is a good idea; this will allow you to freely stalk your prey without anyone being the wiser. Become a soccer coach, a choir leader, or even a pastor at your local church. However, do not become a gym instructor, that is a dead give away that you are a serial killer.

2. Find a niche market.
Do not just think it is acceptable to stalk and rid the world of normal people. That type of thinking is not only trite and over used, it is also the theme of many crappy TV shows. Every successful serial killer should have a target market. Find a niche. For example, Dexter Morgan, from the TV series “Dexter”, likes to kill murderers; my passion however, is to seek out and eliminate African bloggers. If your obsession happens to be leggy blondes, that should be your market, or maybe you want to wipe out every used car salesman, which of course would be doing humanity a favor. Finding a market is a crucial step before moving on to the next one….

3. Create your own style.
No one likes a serial killer with an identity crisis. Personally, I like to put on a Martha Stewart-esque apron with blue flowers on it and serve my unsuspecting victims toxic baked goods. Maybe this isn’t for you. Be creative! The possibilities are truly endless. I suggest finding something you are good at and love to do and incorporating that into your style.

4. Stalk your Prey.
By stalk, I am not just referring to Facebook stalking. Although a valid form of stalking, Facebook's impersonal limitation leaves it a first choice for only novice serial killers. In order to excel, you really have to step it up a notch. Know your victims schedule – what time they get up, when they eat, when they sleep, where they go jogging, which side of the bed they sleep in. Every detail counts. If they do ridiculous things like eat cookies in sets of threes or own tables that you aren't allowed to place anything on, you should know this. It will help you plan the perfect attack.

5. Master a martial art.
Aikido, Capoeira, Hwa Rang Do, Jeet Kune Do, Ju Jitsu, Judo – whatever your preference is, it will be of use to you. The great thing about serial killing is how personal it is. I suggest finding at least 2 martial arts trainers - you will get a well rounded understanding of the art and neither will suspect that you are using your newfound skill to assist in your hobby.

6. Find the perfect dump site.
The perfect dump site can be difficult. It should be dark, discreet, and most importantly, it should have no cameras around. You should monitor this place well and get very familiar with it before you make your first dump. Try not to make it something obvious like a garbage dump or your ex-girlfriend's back yard since those sites can be easily traced back to you.

Follow these 6 steps and you will be on your way to becoming the best serial killer you can be. Happy Hunting!

Sent by anonymous email source

Disclaimer: This is only intended to be used for educational purposes. The use of anything you read without the express permission of Stuff-about.com is prohibited.

Also in the series:
6 ways to be the best Dbag you can possibly be.

Stuff-About.com's quad-weekly Horror-scope (January 2010).

11:39 AM Isaac Lungu

By Sparklingjem.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The eclipse this month brings a very definite change in your life. A portal is set to open to another world and you MUST go through it. Eclipses usually illuminate their message with a casual comment or random event from the outside world. This will give you the key to open up a bridge. Once you walk over the bridge, it will collapse or disappear in some way. There will be no route back to where you started.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The lunar eclipse this month falls in your sixth house, which is the house of small furry animals. Pay close attention to anything around you that may fit this description, especially friends and relatives. If any of your pets are Aquarius, they may be most affected by these great cosmic events.

Pisces February 19 – March 20
Jupiter, bringer of gifts and good luck is about to enter Pisces for the first time in twelve years. You are almost invincible. Make the most of this gift and lend your assistance where you can. You may very well save the world single-handed if you try.

Aries March 21 – April 19
The first lunar eclipse this month will have brought great disruption into your life. Do not be discouraged by these events, they will prepare the way for the next lunar eclipse which will bring great opportunity of a kind you have never encountered before. However competition is fierce, a lot of people will stop at nothing to get into your position and in all fairness they may be more skilled in certain fields than you. Watch out for men in dark coats holding guns and work on getting your espionage skills up to par.

Taurus April 20 – May 20
Important news is winging its way towards you this month. News you have been waiting for for sometime. The universe is trying it’s best to stop it from reaching you. Take precautions against setbacks such as losing your cell phone or ending up on a desert island with no means of contacting anybody. However if this happens, do not despair the message may yet reach you in a bottle.

Gemini May 21 – June 20
This month is just the beginning, a dazzling year is to come. Jupiter has moved into Pisces, your tenth house of fame and honour. You will start to get recognition and success in everything you do. Suddenly you will start receiving accolades for the most mundane things. Resist the temptation to look down on these gifts or awards even if you don’t think much of being named “Most Awesome Tooth Brusher of the Decade” or "Most enthusiastic breather."

Cancer June 21 – July 22
Because of your close connection with the moon, the Lunar eclipses this month will have a very definite effect on you; especially the one midway through the month which happens in your house. You may find some disruption with gravity so take care to weight things down in your life and buy some moon boots to stop you floating away completely.

Leo 23 August – September 22
Mars in Leo has amped up your charms. You may find your smile is having rather too dazzling an effect on people all around you. Use this charm wisely, it will not last forever. It may be of great assistance in a financial conflict.

Virgo September 23 – October 22
Prepare for more than one bizarre interaction with medical personal this month. Rest assured, the scientific testing on your body is almost complete. The results will be conclusive and prove what you already knew, you are not actually human. Don’t worry about it. However, you may want to destroy all evidence and test results if you wish to continue a normal life.

Libra September 23 – October 22
Romantically, life will begin to zing once Venus enters Aquarius on January 18 and the sun brings his warmth on January 19. You may not be able to keep up with the sudden increase in romantic involvements. A good PA is helpful to keep your diary organised and remember who is who.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Pay close attention to your feet this month as they are in danger of developing all sorts of nasty diseases such as foot rot. This may also extend to your shoes which could be particularly vulnerable to breaking or damages. At this point you should probably decide which is more important to you, you feet or your shoes, one of them will have to be sacrificed.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You are not a materialistic soul, preferring to live in a spiritual world of you own creation. This month you may need to pay attention to the more mundane aspects of life like laundry. It may be boring but you will soon find yourself warding off even spiritual connections if you don’t.

Universal Scale of Ugliness : "Unsightly"

1:57 PM Isaac Lungu

"Yes you got the part...and you nailed it!!"

By Africanlegend
(See the Universal Scale illustration below)
It became clear to you somewhere in high school that you don’t bring much to the table in terms of looks. The realization came after you noticed that you are constantly being cast as the ugly step sister, The Wicked Witch of the West, Shrek, back stage crew or other visually displeasing characters.

You make an excellent "Designated Gay Friend" (DGF) because the opposite sex feels < 0% sexual attraction when they look at you. They feel familial love as if you were a relative or a long time family friend. If you are a guy, girls will insist you stay in the room and give them your opinion on a new bra they bought while they have it on, effectively castrating you. If you are a girl, guys may use you to lie to their mothers by presenting you as a significant other or fiance.

You are probably cool and generally a pleasant person, but you don’t really have too much of a choice in the matter. It is a characteristic Charles Darwin would argue you developed over time to ensure the survival of your species (Origin of Species pg 124). As a result of your survival-oriented approach, there is a 93.3% chance that you will make an attempt to marry the first person you date. You are not disillusioned and you know you must make your romantic relationships count because because you may not have many.

Personality: Friendship Material: Excellent, a keeper. You are the type of friend worth sacrificing a calf for.

Chance of Marriage: 85.28 %

Chance of divorce: 14.3 %

COMING SOON "Offensive"

Below is an interesting link that I am ashamed to admit is NOT a joke:
Dating site for beautiful people expels 'fatties' after holiday weight gain

gmail

11:43 AM Isaac Lungu

By Africanlegend

Taggregation is the process of determining how attractive someone is by stalking your way through their Facebook pictures and mentally calculating the average based on how they look in each one.

Example:

Best possible picture: This is likely a profile picture. It may include: a horde of good looking men or women, gratuitous alcohol consumption or a dog, as in this case. It may be photo shopped. There is even a remote possibility that it is not even you.

The Taggregate: This is how you look as a product of the mental average a person calculates based on all the Facebook pictures they have seen of you.

Worst picture: This is usually taken when you are off-guard or incoherent. It is often tagged by someone that does not like you. The picture is the type that will prevent you from running for public office someday. You likely have no recollection of taking it or where you were when it was taken.

Taggregation has evolved into an automatic process in all of us.

This may sound familiar....

You were dancing in the local club or bar and met a dashing Enrico Suave look alike. He gave you his name and number before stumbling off into the night. You decided you would meet up with him for drinks after playing hard to get for a few days. Before you met up with him again, he contacted you on Facebook. He looked like a god in his profile picture, with gelled, clean cut hair, an endearing smile and trapezius muscles.

However, you were not naïve enough to believe that his profile picture was an accurate indication of how he actually looks. Profile pictures are hand picked, often brushed up and are generally the best a person can possibly look. In fact you actually know a girl that spent $500 to have a professional take her head shot and photoshop it onto Gisele Bundchen's body. To combat this inflated first impression, you looked at the pictures he was tagged in by other people, knowing that he was likely off guard. You found a picture of him laying on a couch at a party in a drunken slumber with a bunch of his douchebag friends drawing genitalia on his face with a permanent marker.

You looked at a few more pictures just to get a better impression. You battled hard but eventually you managed to ignore the picture he took of himself shirtless in the mirror with his cell phone (you probably shouldn't have!). You finally decided that he was no Enrico Suave but neither was he a Shrek look alike or Grendel's love child. On average, he was a decent looking guy. Armed with this information, you decided that his looks were acceptable and thus it was time to present his pictures to your BFFs for final processing.

See, you did the math, you found the Taggregate and did not even know it.

Why did the US government ignore a warning about the Christmas terror attack?

1:20 PM Isaac Lungu

By AL.

Recent news reports have divulged that the US government was contacted by the terrorist's father prior to the attempted terror attack last Christmas, warning them of his son as a possible terror threat. Why did the US government ignore this warning? Stuff-about.com discovered the email his Nigerian father sent the US government. Read it and decide for yourself.

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FORWARDED message from: "WealthyNigerianbanker.net"
To: www.reportaterroristrelative.com
Sent: Thu, Jan 31, 2000 8:27:15 PM
Subject: My SON IS MOST DEFINITELY A TERRORIST

Dear US Government,

I am very certain my son is a terrorist. I believe he is a threat to himself and to the United States of America's National Security. I know this because he has just spoken to me about a plan to detonate an explosive 9 years from now on Christmas Day. Also I have a picture of Osama Bin Laden in our living room giving him the explosives and instructions. He is also moving to Yemen to do an MBA with an emphasis on terrorism. Please take this warning serious. I am willing to meet with any representative to discuss this further.

A concerned father of a potential terrorist.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ORIGINAL message from: "WealthyNigerianbanker.net"
To: sharoc@yahoo.com
Sent: Thu, July 31, 2009 8:27:15 PM
Subject: YOU HAVE INHERITED A LARGE FORTUNE.

Dear Friend,

I wish to approach you with a request that would be of immense benefit to both of us. I am a wealthy Nigerian banker. The issue that I am presenting to you is a case of my client that willed a fortune to his only daughter. It is unfortunate that he and his daughter died in an isolated Tsunami on 7July 2009, that you can only read about on this website, in this email. His wife died of heart attack first, then a stroke on receiving the sad news. Such a fortune is legally to be bequeathed to the next-of-kin of the deceased. In a genetic accident involving cosmic radiation, similar to the type that created the Fantastic Four, some of my client's DNA combined with yours at birth. The Republican Party and Medical Association have hidden this from you and President Obama has no knowledge of this because he is black. This makes you legally his next-of-kin.

I have complete information of his bank account details with an outstanding balance of $48,550,000,000.00 USD ($48.550 Billion USD). As I am not very sure of getting your consent yet on the issue, I prefer not to divulge my full identity so as not to risk being disbarred.

I shall make representation to the legal courts to facilitate the amendment. All you have to do is send me a money order to the value of 10,000.00 USD. This shall also be applicable to all expenditures that would be incurred in the course of the transaction because I wouldn't want either of us to feel cheated.

I will appreciate your urgent response in this regard. Thanks for your anticipated cooperation.You can as well reach me on mudoock@walla.com

Yours faithfully,
Kirk Murdock.

So there you have it! Should the Government have listened?

For you entertainment the mecca of all fraudulent email alert site he he: Fraudgallery.com

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