Cute Cat Burglar!

YOU HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS THAT....

A) Your cat has an attitude problem...

B) Your cat despises you...

C) If your cat was any bigger it would probably eat you...

D) Your cat has been stealing your chocolate chip cookies for months...

You just didn't have the proof!

 

"AH HA! Gotcha...hands up kitty! And don't give me that puppy face, you're a cat!"

By Africanlegend (A Dog lover) 

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Big Brother is watching...

"Big Brother may be watching, but the Aliens have us covered."

By Sparklingjem.

We may have already been invaded by aliens and we didn't even notice. 

If you think about it, by the end of his career Michael Jackson looked more like an alien than a human. 

...Oprah has already been confirmed as an alien by People Magazine (which as we know is the most credible news source in the galaxy).

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Day in the life of a Facebook Addict.

4:45AM: I woke up and logged on. I had over 100000 live news feeds to catch up on before I took a shower and ate breakfast.

7:30AM: Went through all 2356 of some random girl's pictures but it's not stalking because we went to grade school together.

9:00AM: Pulled up my ex's profile and checked their relationship status and it still said "single." I had a shot of whiskey to celebrate.

1:10PM: Didn't have anything insightful to say, but made a status update anyway. I wrote “I bought a mini rubber duckie.” Then I posted a picture of my lunch because am sure everyone is interested to know.

2:15PM: Facebook reminded me that it was John Hardy's birthday today. I almost sent him a gift, but I remembered that I don't actually know him. I left a generic "Happy Birthday" on his wall so I wouldn't feel bad though.

3:00PM: Felt lonely, so I decided to change my relationship status to “In a relationship” with my BFF Sara Parker. Then I looked at my ex's new pictures of his weekend out with his friends ~ can't believe he took pictures with that skanky ass b@tch Susan Smith.

3:15PM: Played mafia Wars for just a few minutes.


5:30PM: Finished Mafia Wars.

5:35PM: I was extremely bored, so I continuously hit refresh for a few minutes till I saw something that interested me.

6:00PM: The News feed hadn't updated in 2 minutes, so I suspected Facebook had been hacked by Nigerians. It was a False alarm, so I apologized to my Nigerian friend Charles on his wall.

6:03PM: Breakup Notifier Alert: My ex is "in a relationship" with that skanky tramp Susan Smith. What does he see in her anyway?  Took 4 shots of whiskey to numb the pain and posted "Susan Smith has Herpes" on my status.

6:50PM: Received an email from my boss asking me why I had missed work today. After giving it some thought, I realized that I had missed work.

7:00PM: REALLY pissed off, so I posted a new status message: “My boss is a huge DOUCHEBAG. I am tired of him flirting with me and making me do silly s*&t all day”

8:00PM: An email alert told me that my boss had “added me as a friend.” Time stamped 6:50pm.

8:05PM: I received a message from my boss: "You've worked here 5 months and didn't work out that I'm gay? I know I don't prance around the office like a queen, but it's not exactly a secret. Don't bother coming in tomorrow.”

11:30: Switched Facebook to updates by mobile and fell asleep. Can't wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!

CURRENT TIME 3:00AM: I finally realized. I JUST GOT FIRED! Drinking the whole f@#ken bottle of whiskey....

By Africanlegend also @ www.cosbysweaters.com

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Monkey See, Monkey Do!

Regardless of your belief in whether or not we evolved from lower primates like monkeys, you have to give these animals credit. In this instance, they quickly ascertained that the sudden drop in food supply was directly related to the sign placed in front of their cages by those pesky humans...

MONKEY..

SEE.. 

MONKEY...DO!!!

A similar experiment was done using Kanye West as the test subject. He was trapped in a cage and the keys to open the cage were left in the cell. This was 3 years ago and he is yet to have escaped.

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Facebook, Myspace or Twitter. Which one feeds your addiction?

By Africanlegend.

There are tons of choices out there but which of the big three, life-draining social media websites is best for you? Read the table below and figure it out.



ALSO SEE: 10 CLUES YOU ARE ADDICTED TO FACEBOOK.

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Guide to Men: The intelligent/witty guy.

"Taken to the extreme, the Intelligent/witty guy can use his intellect to be a complete asshole like House."

By Sparklingjem.

This guy is funny, interesting and knowledgeable. This is the type of guy who is great to take to parties because he can start a conversation with anyone, keep everyone entertained and have them still chuckling in the morning over something he said the night before.Unfortunately, this type of guy tends to be all talk and no bite and often loses out to the more action oriented types of men and is fast becoming extinct.

Becoming the intelligent/witty guy.

This is possibly the hardest of all the types to pull off since you actually have to be intelligent and witty or at least more so than the girls you are trying to impress. It is also important you stay away from other intelligent/witty guys who may expose any incorrect facts or challenge your carefully constructed opinions in order to make themselves look better.

 

 "Trip to the Museum"

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips!


Types of girls this guy is best for.
Interesting, semi-intelligent, funny girls. Girls that think they are British.

Guys who suit this role.
Intelligent guys only. Must have at least completed grade school.

Why he’s irresistible.
He makes conversation fun and interesting and we know how women love to talk. Plus he is going somewhere. This is the guy who is going to succeed in life and that is attractive.

What you should wear.
Items that show you are well cultured and traveled. Interesting hats, spectacles, cultural clothing and anything you'd expect to find in a Sherlock Holmes movie. Possibly a pipe to show creativity.

Where you should take her.
Anywhere interesting and different. Things like book launches or museums where you can impress her (and anyone nearby) with your vast knowledge and listen to the sound of your own voice.

Important tips.
You have to be a nice guy. While women can get away with being withering wits, in guys it is not attractive and will push you into the ‘probably gay’ category. You really have to be open and friendly. This is also important because, most likely, the intelligent/witty guy doesn’t have many other skills to depend on.

OTHER TYPES OF MEN: Mr Romantic, The Free Spirit. The Rebel


COMING SOON: The Foreign Guy

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Black Skater wins Gold: Africanlegend retracts racist post.

 

"The CIA has confirmed that this picture has not been digitally altered - But they have been wrong about a lot of things"

By The Webmaster
Shani Davis, a black speed skater from the USA, won a gold medal in a speedskating competition in the Winter Olympics earlier this week. After doing extensive research at our Institute of Life Sciences, we determined that he is indeed 80-100% black.

Earlier this week, Mr Africanlegend released a statement in a Stuff-About.com post entitled "The Winter Olympics Conspiracy" stating that "The Winter Olympics is a clever ruse created by white people to exclude black athletes from the competition in order to win more gold medals."

Following Davis' emphatic win, he issued this apology:

I'd like to apologize to the few black people who aspire to become ice-based athletes and encourage them to continue to do so. I'd also like to apologize to Canadian born black people for bringing their blackness into question over their tendency to play Ice Hockey. Furthermore, I'd like to apologize to white people for my accusations and because of my transgressions I would like to offer you forgiveness for one of your past transgressions, perhaps slavery but we can negotiate that later. Congratulations to Shani Davis and I encourage everyone to embrace is blackness accordingly. There are also rumors that The Webmaster hit me with a golf club after reading my previous post and I'd like to go on record and say this is false! I SWEAR HE DIDN'T HIT ME!

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Tiger Woods Apologizes: Dalai Lama releases statement

 "Buddist Inc. vows to stand behind Woods!"

By Africanlegend

02/19/2010, Tiger Woods held a 14 minute press conference in which he apologized to his family, friends and all members of the terrestrial and extra terrestrial Galaxy.

Woods admitted to infidelity and a sex-filled life of lies, something which is apparently unprecedented in the male world. Woods also did his best to try to convince the world that his wife did not give him a grade A ass whipping with a golf club. This would have been more believable if he was not layered in cakes of make-up concealing the remnants of the beating.

Tiger Woods claimed that he had been raised Buddhist and this meant that he was supposed to live his life under the principles of self control and moderation. The Dalai Lama immediately released a statement after Buddhist Inc. shares violently plummeted on wall street.

The Buddhist faith does not condone such sex-filled, moronic behavior. The Buddhist faith is one of peace and moderation. It is also one of forgiveness. So for that reason we will continue to sponsor Tiger Woods and provide him with “Lama Golf Wear” which offers the modern golfer increased comfort and range of movement. If this had been Kanye West, the situation would have been different and we would have pulled sponsorship immediately since we believe him to be a douchebag.

Thank you

Love Mr Lama!

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Making the world a more friendly place...for Serial Killers!

By Sparklingjem.

 

"In fact this brilliant invention helps people, who actually are washing blood off their hands, blend in."

What do you think PSK? Do you think this will profoundly change things in the serial killer community?

 

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The Winter Olympics Conspiracy.

"French pair Vanessa James and Yannick Bonheur. The first ever black pair in Olympic figure skating - white people were appalled." 

By Africanlegend

THIS POST HAS SINCE BEEN RETRACTED (READ RETRACTION)

The Lie: Currently the whole world is marveling as the Winter Olympics host the best talent in the world on it's icy stage.

This is the story the media might sell you, but the truth becomes evident when you watch a few events and notice a distinct lack of Melanin in all the participants.

The Truth: The winter Olympics are a replication of the summer Olympics. Originally created by white people so that they could win more gold medals. In order to win more medals, they would have to find a way to exclude black people who have dominated most dry land-based sports, and what better way to do so than require over 95% of all the events to have ice or water.

The Science
In the late 1840's, a Spanish scientist discovered that black people had an adverse reaction to water. He realized black skin absorbed large amounts of water causing black people to be 76% heavier than white people when submerged in water. If left in water for over an hour, a black person may absorb enough water to actually burst depending on the concentration of the water. If you find that hard to believe, you can reference the Kenyan swimmer that took part in the summer Olympics in 2000. It is 2010 and it is believed he is still yet to complete his 50 meter race (good luck brother!).

The Winter Olympics exclude black people and a majority of the Southern Hemisphere by default because we don't have any snow. With events like figure skating, nordic skiing, and luge it is hard to see any black man participating unless a series of unlikely events, in which Jesus himself must be involved, occurs. Of course I mean real black people and not Canadian black people who forfeited their blackness the moment they started playing Ice Hockey.

P.S Mentioning "Cool Runnings," the movie about the Jamaican bobsledding team, is a reference white people often cite as evidence of Black participation in ice-based sports burton snowboards. Much of that movie has been debunked and attributed to CGI that was way ahead of its time.

See any black skaters? let me know! LETS FIND THEM AND COMMEND THEM!

COOL RUNNINGS - I couldn't resist.

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Facebook knows you are a Stalker!

By Africanlegend
In many previous posts I have alluded to Facebook being some form of institutionalized stalking (The 3 main purposes of Facebook). Its a medium for quick access to people's general information and it also includes a plethora of pictures to gaze on. In the past, those two factors combined constituted approximately 74.6% of the work a stalker would have put into good, hard earned labor.

The other day, I was logging into my account and a "captcha," which is a type of challenge-response test where one types in a presented code to verify that they are human, popped up. Ironically, I have failed many a time to correctly enter this code forcing me to often question my own humanity but that is besides the point. Here is the code it generated when I logged on::

So Facebook not only wants to verify that you are human. It also wants to verify if you are a STALKER! I wonder if they offer you some kind of premium lifetime membership if you are??

Also read: 10 signs you are addicted to Facebook.

hmmm......

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Stupid people that need to GO: The "You don't know what you're missing" guy

By Musty.

This is the stupid person that shows up at the office with a clear plastic cup filled with a mysterious white liquid and with a smile on his face that is so smug it causes computers around him to automatically shut down and car alarms to go off without warning. He comes by with his cup, and makes small talk in a way that makes him look like he's not even holding his cup, and then takes long, drawn out sips through his straw. He annoyingly continues to hang around while the pungent smell makes your head spin until you make the mistake of asking him "What are you drinking?" At that moment his smugness reaches levels that might cause harm to any pregnant women nearby and he says, in his most matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, its just a goat-cheese and squid ink smoothie." Naturally, your first instinct is to gag and vomit into the nearest trash can, but in the spirit of kindness you make an effort to say something like "Eww, that doesn't sound too appealing." To which he immediately replies "You don't know what you're missing bro! This Chupacabra Smoothie is THE SHIZ!!"; in a way that makes him look progressive, cool and badass.

Why this person has got to go.
Listen here, jackass, if I wanted to try something like that, I'd try it. In fact if I wanted to, I could try an elephant mucus and snake blood shake. Your condescending "you don't know what you're missing" only makes me hate you and your piece of crap food/object/convenience store even more, and I haven't even experienced it yet. It is not creative to think of an amalgam of things that no sane human being would experience, see, feel or eat and tell everybody that they do not know what they are missing. Truth is, they know exactly what they are missing. They are missing: throwing up, nightmares, life long trauma, brain damage and in some cases death. So don't tell us we don't know what we are missing!

How to deal with this person.
When that person comes with the smug "Oh its just a goat-cheese and squid ink smoothie", you ask them where they got it and hit them immediately with this: "Oh, the Hipster Juice on Washington street? Yeah, I've had that... it was aight" Your completely non-impressed answer will knock the condescending winds out of their blowhard sails and sink their ship of douchebaggery.

Other stupid people that need to go..
"I don't listen to mainstream music" guy
Veggie Girl

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The Sparkling guide to men: The Rebel

 "This not is not recommended by Mummy!"

By Sparklingjem.

The rebel, the classic bad boy, the type your mother always warned you about. Brooding and dangerous, he cares for nothing. Therein lies his power. What woman can resist the challenge? Like a wounded, wild animal who must be tamed, he inspires in women the desire to save him from his lonely existence and take away his pain

Becoming the rebel.
The rebel is all about creating the image and beyond that it takes very little effort. There is no pressure to express interest in her or to try and keep her happy. All you need is a powerful motorbike, (preferably a Harley) with which you could potentially ride her off into the sunset and a black leather jacket. A little vulnerability will make her even more determined to save you. You can leave any time you like, you never said you would stay.

"Bad boy minus anything ACTUALLY dangerous - Still not recommended by mummy"

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips

Types of girls this is best for: Rebellious rich girls, hopeless romantics. Any woman really, since The Rebel appears to trigger some kind of genetically motivated attraction.

Guys who suit this role: Guys who want a girl to do all the work, guys who want to avoid emotional entanglements and guys who have gone to the gym, bulked up and can't think of anything to do with all the muscle.

Why he’s irresistible: He’s dangerous, unobtainable and your mother would never approve.

Attire: Leather and denim, all black, lots of piercings (extra strength deodorant is required.)

Where you should take her: Steak houses, out on the back of your motorbike or hunting for animals with a bow and arrow and a knife.

Important tips: Let her know from the outset you’re only in it for a bit of fun. She will not believe you. In fact she will remain convinced she is the only one who could ever break into that guarded heart of yours; right up until you ride off into the sunset with someone else. Very often she will then console herself with the belief that you left because you were too afraid of real love.

OTHER TYPES OF MEN: Mr Romantic, The Free Spirit.

COMING SOON: The Intelligent/witty guy.

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4 Benefits to being single on Valentines Day.

"Ok fine, maybe I am exaggerating"

By Africanlegend,

1. You do not get to find out how disappointing your significant other is.
Valentines Day works like an exponentially incremental equation. If you did a good job last year, you will need to top it. In a man’s case, it is a no win situation. As I type this, Hallmark is currently feeding women images of grandiose Valentines Day charades. You are set up to fail. You will take her to dinner at a nice restaurant and it will constitute failure because Hallmark made her expect you to take her to France, base jump of the Eiffel tower with no parachute, somehow survive and then present her with a $6 million dollar diamond encrusted platinum ring while singing “every kiss begins with Kay.”

2. You don't go broke and nobody gets to call you a cheap skate.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are in a recession. Unemployment is higher than it has been in years on a global level. On this one day, the total collapse of the world economy as you know it will not suffice as an excuse for cutting corners. If you cheap out, you will end up taking your significant other to KFC, while Mr. Romantic rents out the national football stadium and serenades a date that he met earlier that day. Women can't cheap out either because “that bitch from work” has already sent everyone an email with a picture of the monkey leather, limited edition dress she ordered from Tibet. While you don't approve of frivolous spending you cannot afford to let her win.

3. Less pressure.
Just call a restaurant and make a reservation, buy flowers, be entertaining and let the wine do the rest. If only it was really that simple. Since people have been scientifically proven to be sheep-like, everybody will try to execute slight variants of same plan. Restaurants will be fully booked and roses will be listed on the stock exchange next to gold. So in order for a well thought out plan to be executed in style, the pressure is on you to act shrewdly and early. Many a man will choke under the pressure and end up standing outside an expensive restaurant with an angry girlfriend who is on her phone texting her BFF and describing the apocalypse you have turned her Valentines Day into.

4. You find out EXACTLY what happens to people that don't get Valentines dates.
You get to test a working theory that exists in our society. That if you have no Valentine, the moment the sun rises on Valentines Day, you will disintegrate into a pile of mythical ash like a vampire, When Valentines Day passes and nothing happens to you, you can be 100% certain that is not the case. All the people that did have a Valentine will not know for sure, so they will have to live for one more year in fear of the possibility of vaporizing next February 14th should they have no Valentine.

Also read 5 Benefits to being single on Valentines Day.

In case you get yourself in a fix and need to learn the song, here is a yucky Kay Jewelery commercial.

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Valentines Day: The creation of a Billion Dollar Hallmark Holiday.

By Sparklingjem.

Ah l’amour...

Valentines is upon us again.

All over the world women are out shopping for red dresses and reading magazines in beauty parlors to find out what they should be expecting. On the other hand men are frantically trying to find out what their women are expecting, tearing their hair out trying to find the right gift, the right restaurant and wondering why the price of roses has tripled overnight; while bribing single friends to tape sporting events and begging them not to share scores on the day.

But where did it all come from? How did we come to the point where men are expected to spend five eighths of their annual salary buying gifts for women? How did women come to equate their success in life with how much they are given on this one day of the year?

The origins of this holiday are vague at best. Supposedly it was created to celebrate the death of a Christian martyr who refused to denounce his religion and may or may not have cured the jailor’s daughter’s blindness.

Or it celebrates the works of Bishop Valentine who secretly married couples against the law of the Romans who thought love made men weak and unwilling to go to war.

Or it celebrates Saint Valentine who was martyred in Africa for unknown reasons (because we know better).

One plausible, 110% factual theory:

In the Beginning.
It first became associated with romantic love through a misinterpretation of Chaucer’s ‘Parlement of Foules’ by a round faced Chinese scholar, now popularly believed to be Hiro Nakamura. It was he who began the custom of sending notes of affection to someone you loved or admired.

Mid 19th century.
The first mass produced Valentines were sold by a woman named Esther Howland. Recent evidence has come to light suggesting this was again Hiro Nakamura in disguise.

Late 20th century.
The government began an investigation into large sums of money deposited by the Hallmark Corporation into Nakamura’s bank account. However, the Hallmark Corporation publicly stated they could not take credit for the creation of the Holiday and the ensuing criminal charges against them and Hiro were dropped. Interestingly, top government officials became Hallmark shareholders.

The government then instated a tax on anything bought and sold during the month of February. Soon after this, it became customary to send gifts of chocolates and roses as well as greetings cards.

Present Day.
Valentine ’s Day has since been introduced into the school curricula. Younger children are now forced to cut out hearts and send them to each other. Older children have also been introduced to the idea of buying cards, chocolates and roses to send to members of the opposite sex who they secretly admire. In fact these events are usually organized by a student governing body for capital gain.

Currently on TV.
Evidence suggests that Hallmark movies were actually created to illustrate how men should behave on Valentines Day. In addition, subliminal messages are now embedded in movies and cards to encourage women to withhold sex from partners who fall short of the Hallmark benchmark.

For Conspiracy Theory lovers.
It appears that Valentine ’s Day gifts and events are now advertised during sporting events and during exclusively male television shows when competitive spirit is at its highest. Perhaps this is a strong message to all men hmmm. You tell me!!

This illogical behavior has now become part of societal norm.

For more fun read: "People that HAVE to go!: VEGGIE GIRL" @ Pattypunker's crib.

Or....read

FLAT-OUT BLOG

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Men Who Shop at Express

By PattyPunker

Express is the must-have, sexy, sophisticated, hip fashion brand that provides premium clothes for guys. But not all men choose Express. There is a certain fashion sense involved. In case you were wondering whether you should shop there for yourself or for your man, here is the ultimate guide for the kind of men who shop at Express. Maybe Express is right for your man or maybe you should just let him throw one his usual pair of guys jeans and a simple t-shirt and get on with his life.

And just so you can be really sure that Express clothing is for the man in your life or that it is your kind of style, here is the definitive guide to men who wouldn’t be caught dead shopping at Express:

If you like the kind of wisdom you found in this post, be sure to read more from our guest blogger, PattyPunker.

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Dating "Must Nots." Must-not wear Ed Hardy clothing or accessories.

By Freyja E.
Dinners, drinks, casual encounters, movies - I’ve dated. A lot. What I have realized is that I have no idea what I want in a long-term partner. I do know want I DO NOT want in my significant other. In the spirit of making valentines month more pleasant for everyone out there, I will share one with you. Maybe some guy will read this and spare some girl what I went through.

1. Must not wear Ed Hardy clothing or accessories.

For those of you that do not know, Ed Hardy is a clothing brand that basically takes discarded Halloween costumes and passes them of as casual clothing. Anything creepy you can think of, Ed Hardy has put on a t-shirt.

"The Identity of the Dbags has been changed for their own protection"

I will never consider dating a guy who wears Ed Hardy clothing or accessories for two reasons. The first is based on a theory people who wear Ed Hardy are total idiots. This is a popular and widespread theory. Don’t believe me? The folks on Facebook do. There is a "Thanks to Ed Hardy I recognize morons right away" fan page with 412,034 fans and counting. If that isn’t enough evidence for you see Jon Gosselin.

The second reason is based on personal experience. A few months ago I agreed to go to dinner with a good-looking and charming guy. He picked me up at my apartment. I got into his nice clean car. He and I chatted about the music he was playing. When we arrived at the restaurant he parked the car then ran around to my side to help me get over the snow bank. All was going so well. As we walked towards the restaurant I took the opportunity to check him out. Nice clean black boots, crisp jeans - not too tight and not too baggy. He was wearing a nice black leather coat. All was going very well. We got into the restaurant and were seated in a cushy corner booth. He helped me with my coat (ah, such manners!) and let me slide in first then took off his coat. That is when I felt the cold splash of reality. Under that sexy black leather coat was an atrocious Ed Hardy fitted long sleeved t-shirt. It had a giant skull, a snake, and a mixture of reds and oranges. I tried my hardest not to look directly at it for fear that it might induce vomiting. Then I noticed, because it was actually impossible to miss, that the pockets of his jeans had matching shinning jewels them.

The food at this restaurant was probably spectacular and the conversation was probably interesting enough but unfortunately he was competing with the vociferous voice of the hideous snake on his shirt which seemed to be mocking him as his spoke.

After dinner he drove me home. I politely said good night at the car and ran into my apartment to surround myself with plain solid colored t-shirts to help settle my stomach.

Needless to say Senior Flashy-pants did not make the cut.

"Why not just run around with a big megaphone screaming 'I am a total Dbag'- it's cheaper."

Coming Soon: "Must not hit on both my sister and I"

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Stuff-About.com's Horror-scope: The yucky, romantic, valentines month version!

"Proof the cupid is gay"

Aquarius January 20 – February 18 
You are expecting something extra special this month but unless you have a Mr Romantic in your life you are likely to be disappointed. If you get desperate you can easily find one at www.romanticsingles.com

Pisces February 19 – March 20 
Venus enters your sign at the beginning of the month, making valentine’s highly pleasurable this month. Venus, the bringer of love and romance arrives at an opportune moment to relieve the tension in your life.

Aries March 21 – April 19 
This month you are valuing your privacy more than ever, and you are right to do so. This is not a favourable time to reveal your identity. That is why anonymous valentines were invented. You will have to be content with watching for a while longer.

Taurus April 20 – May 20 
Valentine’s day brings a great opportunity to act on the dissatisfaction you have been feeling for some time. Read “6 steps to the best break up ever” to make the most of this opportunity.

Gemini May 21 – June 20 
You are dreaming big this month and making your move on someone you have been thinking about for a long time. Do not despair if you do not get a response by valentines, your card has probably been thrown out along with the other “deranged fan” mail. Next time avoid blood or other bodily fluids.

Cancer June 21 – July 22 
Love has been tricky recently, and continues to baffle you in February. Everything you need to know is here in my 98 730 page guide to the opposite sex. People have tried to have my book banned because they don’t want YOU to have the answers. It has become a daily struggle against the forces of evil to keep my book available. I can only promise to keep selling it for the next 24 hours, after that there is no guarantee.

Leo July 23 – August 22
 The extra sensory experiments you volunteered for are starting to take effect and this means you are especially aware of the needs of loved ones at the moment. Some of them may come as a surprise since you’ve never thought about this before but you can use this to your advantage.

Virgo August 23 – September 22
The movement of mercury in your seventh house of romance means this month will be full of conflict. The way to counter act this is by making sure you make an extra effort for Valentine’s day. It’s not guaranteed to work so make sure your gifts are fully refundable.

Libra September 23 – October 22
Romantic new beginnings are possible, but keep your eye out for deception or self-deception. Dual identities are intriguing but taken too far they can just confuse the issue. You may end up with the wrong person, then again that might be fun.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Someone at work is paying you more attention than you think is normal. Trust your instincts, it’s not normal. If you want something more concrete, check his restraining orders.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
It’s February, valentines month, love is in the air. You are overwhelmed by feelings of love and affection. You are ready to embrace the world and all people in it. you have reverted to the naivety of a five your old making your perfect partner this month “the free spirit”.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19 
You have so many options for the future that it's hard to settle on just one. You have two weeks to set up a screening process to choose the perfect valentine. Perhaps you could have it filmed for a reality T.V. show.

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