Stupid People that need to go: The I'd tell you but I'd have to kill you guy!

By Musty.
You finish getting your coffee and after having to listen to the "My boyfriend is like Jesus but twice as good chick." chick, your coffee gets cold, so you pop it into the microwave. Suddenly this guy shows up, to throw his Hot Pocket in the adjacent microwave. You acknowledge subconsciously that greeting him would be a terrible mistake but in the interest of being cordial you decide to say hi. He seizes the opportunity to punish your mistake by telling you about a project he is working on.

Guy: Man, work is really starting to suck, I'm thinking about quitting and going to Hollywood. I'm actually working on a screenplay right now.
You: So what's it about?
Guy: Umm, well, it involves a bounty hunter, Sarah Palin and the Chupacabra.
You: Really that sounds cool. Tell me more!
Guy: ACTUALLY, it's actually kind of a secret, I plan on selling it to a producer in Hollywood soon, so if I tell you i'd have to kill you [chuckles insipidly and descends into the shadows from where he came]

Why this person is an asshole:
Hey douchebag, when someone asks you about something creative, and you say that you're not going to tell them, it means one of two things:

EITHER

1) You're afraid I'll take your idea.
OR
2) That even you know your screenplay is a piece of crap.

I was just trying to be nice, and besides you are the one that disturbed my peace of mind and brought it up in the first place. If it meant that much to you and was that big of a secret, why are you firing the idea at an innocent civilian/casual acquaintance whose only intention was to get a cup of coffee? Have you ever had a CIA agent walk in the room with a megaphone and say, " We suspect one of you in here is a terrorist but we can't tell you, because actually it's kind of a secret."

"Ok occasionally genius like the 'Jump to Conclusions Mat' may result"

How to deal with this person:
When they start saying how it's a secret, you tell them "Its ok, it really doesn't sound that interesting anyway", and this person will instantly go into defense mode, and tell you the whole thing--

Guy: "No no! You don't understand! Hugh Jackman goes to kill the monster, and in the end, he realizes that HE IS THE MONSTER!!"
You: Can you pass me the creamer? [Yawn simultaneously and look bored]

But if you really feel like sticking it to this person, then after his monster explanation just say, "yeah, it still doesn't sound that cool" or "I saw a story like that on the Hallmark movie channel once."

OTHER PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GO:
My boyfriend is like Jesus but twice as good chick.
You don't know what you are missing guy.
I don't listen to mainstream music guy.

Read More

Ricky Martin Gay? It can't be!

UPDATE: RICKY MARTIN RECOUNTS THE FIRST TIME HE REALIZED HE WAS GAY

Ricky Martin is Gay?....Really?

I had NO IDEA....

 "Proud, shameless and excessive use of a speedo"

There were never really any clues...

"Excessive enjoyment of very gay games with no females present"

It came out of nowhere....

 "Pilates!"

He was always so NON-GAY...

"The Gay Shirt - traded to homosexuals in 1987"

I AM SHOCKED....

"No idea what he is doing by it looks gay."

Needless to say, I predicted this in 7th grade. I didn't know what gay was then, but I knew intuitively that this was it!

Coming soon: Enrico Iglesias also admits to LIVIN LA VIDA LOCA!!

By AL.

Read More

Men, Women and The Table of Basic Needs

A short excerpt from Stuff-about.com's up and coming "THE BOOK OF STUFF" (or whatever we decide to eventually call it).... 

You are probably all too familiar with the phrase Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. This long withstanding view of men and women defies common sense. Despite their physical differences, men and women need exactly the same basic things in order to live happily. These basic needs are food, water, shelter, companionship and sex. The only difference is that each gender needs different amounts of each and has a slightly different understanding of each of the needs. This slight disparity is the source of ALL friction...

Universal Table of Basic Needs:

Look out for more juicy excerpts from "THE BOOK OF STUFF" in the near future.

Read More

Drunk Cooking Manual.

My friend posted this picture on Facebook. It reminded me of this one night my roomate, possessed by a raging drunken stupor, walked in, placed a pizza in the oven and proceeded to fall asleep for the rest of the night. By morning the house was filled with smoke and the pizza lay in the oven burnt to a crisp looking more like a car tire than a pizza.

SO IF YOU ARE DRUNK, OBSERVE THIS FLOW CHART BEFORE YOU ATTEMPT TO COOK AND TURN YOUR HOUSE INTO A BLAZING INFERNO!


By AL

Read More

Vocabulary: "Refreshbooking"

By Africanlegend.

Refreshbooking: The process of camping out on Facebook waiting for new activity to occur while your life flashes by.

It happens when there has been no activity on Facebook for a while and, instead of moving on to greener pastures, you decide to create menial tasks in the hope that when you are done, there will be newly posted material for you to stalk. The process culminates with hitting the refresh button on your browser or the "home" option on your page to refresh your notifications. Refreshbooking is one of the most common signs that you are addicted to facebook and that you may actually need medical attention (Read 10 more signs you are addicted to Facebook).

The Process:

1. Log on to Facebook.

2. Scroll up and down your home page to check your friend's updates, pictures and any other notifications. Respond accordingly.

3. Open Facebook chat. Chat until everybody interesting leaves and you are left with "that guy you pretended to remember from high school."

4. Scroll up and down your home page for any new updates.

5. Hit "home" or refresh on your browser just to make sure.

6. Ignore a text on your phone soliciting real social interaction.

7. Open alternate webpages to read a generic article on why you suck at dating and breaking news on Yahoo about the 35th woman coming out claiming to have had shenanigans with Tiger Woods.

8. Switch back to Facebook and repeat steps 2 to 5. If you still find nothing, repeat indefinitely.

Signs you are dealing with a serial Refreshbooker.

- They click "like" on each new picture you post the very moment you post them.

- They comment on your status 0.2 seconds after you post it.

- Sending them a message on Facebook gets a response faster than when you text them.

- They are not available on chat (appear offline) yet they mysteriously respond VERY quickly to anything new you post.

- When you log on to Facebook, your chat box flashes faster than your page loads causing you to suffer a mild heart attack.

What to do if you know a serial Refreshbooker.

Call the police! They are HIGHLY dangerous. In fact, there is a very good chance you are dealing with a serial killer. Contact PSK and she can enroll them in her "Serial Killer Seminar" so at least they can be responsible, well adjusted Serial Killers.

(Dedicated to Mama13, RunningScared and their loving families)

Read More

Serial Killer's Seminar: Be a more diligent, responsible Serial Killer NOW!

The YSKA Recreation Center and PSK Invite you to join us for the six part seminar…

How To Be The Best Serial Killer

You Can Be!

Part 1 will be held on Saturday April 23^rd from 12:00pm – 3:00pm

PSK explains the importance of joining a community organization. She details the best organizations to join in order to perfect your trade. Pamphlets of local non-profit organizations currently employing serial killers will be provided along with helpful tips on blending in with your new group and making "friends".

DO NOT ATTEMPT ANOTHER KILL BEFORE ATTENDING THESE IMPORTANT MEETINGS!

This is a guest -1 invitation

Please RSVP by April 20^th to The1andOnlyPSK@gmail.com

Light Refreshments will be served, but make sure you only serve them to your guest.

Read More

Sparkling Guide to Men: The Athlete

 "Show me the MONEY!- wait wrong movie."

By Sparklingjem.
The Athlete is the quintessential "American jock" as seen in every teen movie. He is the all-state, NFL destined quarterback of the football team or the bong puffing champion swimmer. He has proved himself to be better than his fellow men (if only at chasing after balls) and the general respect he gets from other men means he must be worth our attention.

Becoming the Athlete
The key to becoming The Athlete is to be good at a sport. However, if you lack sporting abilities, don’t be discouraged, there is an easy way around it. Athletes are attractive because of their competitive nature, left over from a time when men fought other men for their women. Since most women do not understand the nature of sports, they will not discriminate based on the actual sport you play but on whether or not you excel at it. For example, if you have a trophy for winning Extreme Ironing or Unicycle Hockey, she will be as impressed as if you won top football player of the year.

 "What would happen if the Athlete had super powers."

SparklingJem’s advice and tips.

Types of girls this is best for:
Popular bitches, the high school prom queen and her entourage, divas like Mama13, Girls with no IQ

Guys who suit this role.
Genuinely athletic guys, guys who have a very low IQ

Why he’s irresistible: 
He is physically superior and our bodies respond on a purely animal level to the fact that he can defend the cave, catch our dinner and impregnate us with healthy offspring.

What you should wear: 
Sporting clothes, Awkwardly tight muscle t-shirts and any sporting medals you might have won. Also carry around a protein shake so you always look like you just came from working out.

Where you should take her: 
Sports games, jock parties or prom-like events. Alternatively, don't take her anywhere and send her a feature length video of you working out at the gym and tell her to dress up and drink wine while watching the video.

Important tips: 
The athlete really reaches his prime between the ages of 16 and 22 when girls are most governed by their hormones. After that, if he does not evolve, he begins to degenerate rapidly until he ends up being the pathetic loser who used to play football in college.

Read More

Insurance Companies: The Real Victims of Health Care Reform.

"Lets not forget the true victims here!"

By Africanlegend
Health care reform may help a lot of people who previously may not have been able to receive health care. But what effect will an overhaul of health care in the US have on the medical companies?
Africanlegend stumbled across Mr. Ken Cerous, a CEO of a major medical insurance company, last night binge drinking at a local bar.

AL: So you don't think this will help anyone? 

Ken Cerous: Well I mean maybe a few kids that are already sick, but it's not our fault they have bad genes. They should blame their parents and Charles Darwin. Truth is, we the insurance companies are the victims here! [slams down a shot of tequila and sips on his strawberry dacory]

AL: Really?

Ken Cerous: Yes we had a great system. People pay and when they finally get sick, we find some obscure reason not to pay. It was a lot of fun.. At first we just made up reasons during our lunch break while playing drinking games but then we found out apple has a “deny insurance claim app”

AL: Wow! There really is an app for everything.

Ken Cerous: Man I could tell you stories. This one time, this woman had an operation on her liver and we denied it. Since it was an “experimental operation” we required it to be done by a certified extraterrestrial, of course the cost of the alien abduction wouldn't be covered.....isn't that AWESOME!!

AL: Well no, not really. You are are supposed to pay that's what insurance is for isn't it?

Ken Cerous: HAHAHA....that's a good one! [pauses briefly as he realizes AL may be serious]. Really? Who told you that? You are lying..

AL: No I'm not...

Ken Cerous: Ok let's Google it then [takes out his i-phone and Googles it]. See it says right here! “Insurance company pays at its own discretion based on how hot the patient is.”

Al: Wait let me see that [checks phone]. YOU WROTE THAT!

Ken Cerous: Yeah, but it's on Google so it HAS to be right! Google is always right, i'll prove it [shows him the supposed evidence].

Evidence:

AL: Granted that is VERY compelling evidence, but..you can't run your business based on Wikipedia entries! Don't you know any idiot teenager can edit it.

Ken Cerous: My son is not an idiot! He just had too much to drink that night.

AL: What?

Ken Cerous: Anyway, I've got to go....long day tomorrow. Working in Congress aint a joke.

ALSO READ: I HURT IN WEIRD PLACES....


*For medical uniform sales visit http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/

Read More

A FAIR and BALANCED view of America.

This is a view of the United States' political scene inspired by FOX NEWS. By telling you that, I am assuring you that this view will be "FAIR and BALANCED".

CLICK HERE TO ENLARGE

Stuff-About.com thanks GLENN BECK for his advice and consultation on this project...

By Africanlegend

Read More

World Peace: Brought to you by a Happy Hippo and his Zebra Dentist.

War, poverty, corporate greed and a lack of care for our fellow man. Maybe we can learn little something from animals about peace.

"Mmmm...I get by with a little help from my friends.."

Read More

Stupid people that need to GO: The "My boyfriend is kind of like Jesus, but twice as good" chick

By Musty.
You manage to evade "I don't listen to mainstream music" and head out to replenish your cup of coffee and you see this chick standing at the coffee machine, staring at her cell phone, and giggling maniacally. You ignore the red flags and ask her how she's doing. You are trying to be nice, but all you end up doing is activating her "My boyfriend is the GREATEST!!!!" mode. Before you can duck away, she begins to recite a long grocery list of supposed amazing things that he does. Defying basic laws of common sense and linear time she proceeds to talk about how he:

- met Obama in person and suggested he run for president when he was a senator in Illinois!

- fought in World War I and II.

- hunted and killed the Chupacabra!!" 

- disarmed a nuclear bomb split-seconds before it exploded thereby saving the world.

- was the first to climb Mount Everest but didn't tell anyone because he wanted to protect it's natural beauty.

- rescued 148 children and their blind granny from a burning building before it collapsed into a heap of ash.

- found the Holy Grail.

She continues, but your head explodes right before she gets to the part about his Nobel Prize for the polio vaccine and his time spent in outer space.

Why this person is an asshole:
We get it, you THINK your boyfriend is awesome, but just because he takes an occasional jog in the evening doesn't make him Carl Lewis and doing doggy paddle in the local public pool doesn't make him Michael Phelps (perhaps a blunt would). Embellishing your boyfriend's trite achievements only makes us hate this guy even before we have even met him. In fact it makes us not want to meet him EVER!

How to deal with this person:
You can't avoid her talking about her man, but you can take solace in the fact that while she's at the office bragging, captain fantastic is probably at home nailing a tattooed stripper named Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. She probably talks about him this way to convince herself that he is better than he actually is. In retaliation, wait till the bubble bursts and she's crying her eyes out at the water cooler telling you all about how he did her wrong, then get righteously indignant and refuse to believe he'd do such a thing. Then say something like,

"Sandra, stop being immature. Super Jessie would NEEEEVER do that."

Read More

Mathematical PROOF that Girls are Evil!

By Africanlegend
My father, Dr. Legend PHD, is a world class mathematician and some of that rubbed off on me. So let's break this beautiful equation down.

Girls require Time and Money.
- It is a fact that a woman requires massive amounts of attention to function correctly.
- You need a nominal amount of money to entertain one, even on a rudimentary level.

Time is Money.
-Many employees are paid by the hour, suggesting that you can monetize time.

Money is the root of all evil.
- This is true because it says so in the Bible and with the exception of the story about the guy that got eaten by a whale, the Bible is 105% fact.

The Math is sound...Girls are Evil but the equation is incomplete.

SPARKLINGJEM = A GIRL
IF
GIRLS = EVIL
THEN

SPARKLINGJEM is EVIL!

Read More

The Sparkling Guide to men: The Confident and Cocky guy.

"Blue Steel is enough to convince anyone of anything"

By Sparklingjem.
The Confident and Cocky guy is amazingly appreciative of himself and ends up convincing you with psychological Guerrilla warfare-like tactics, to see him in the same way. Although at first he may come across as insufferably arrogant, given enough time, he will convince you that this stems from a modest knowledge of just how amazing he is.

Becoming the confidant and cocky guy.
Confidence in yourself is useful but in truth, you don’t actually have to be as confident as you appear. In fact this approach was first discovered, accidentally, by a loser. Said loser unfortunately died penniless and alone after a slightly more successful loser took out the patent on this approach and earned a 43% commission anytime a man successfully used it.

The easiest way to learn it is to be taught by an expert (contact AfricanLegend for details on his next seminar) but failing that, there are many persuasive techniques you can pick up in psychology and self-help books. You can also learn through trial and error if you have a large enough supply of girls as may be the case in college.

"When I was younger you could get you ass kicked for dressing like this."

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips!

Types of girls this is best for:
Militant brunettes (they are surprisingly willing to be convinced), girls that watch "One Tree Hill" and "Desperate Housewives", girls form Connecticut, idiot blondes who will believe anything you tell them.

Guys who suit this role:
Guys who are up for a bit of a challenge and want to have a bit of fun. Competitive guys who don’t make the athlete category.

Why he’s irresistible:
He keeps telling you he is until you believe him.

What you should wear:
Something flamboyant and outrageous that shows you are not afraid to wear things that other guys won’t. Sporting gear that implies you are good at said sport. Eg. Basketball shirt, you do not need to be able to play Basketball, just put enough attitude into the wearing of it and challenge people to play you in situations where there is no chance of it happening.

Where you should take her:
Anywhere. You should be fine because convincing her that a restaurant is amazing is much less difficult than convincing her that you are amazing.

Important tips:
To make this approach fool proof you need to believe in it 100%. If you deviate or have a moment of doubt, you risk destroying your chance with all the girls in the immediate vicinity. This is because women are able to smell fear from up to 11 miles away and find it extremely repulsive.

Read More

Educating the West part 1: The Geography of Africa.

"The Diversity and size of the Motherland"

By Sparklinglegend.

Preface
Misconceptions about Africa have spread through the west like a religious plague. Africans, like us, who came to the west excited about the opportunities of a wealthy, educated 1st world, had our illusions stripped by the first "You're from Africa...." barrage of questions 2.3 seconds after landing.. Fellow Africans all over the west will no doubt relate to these painful experiences. "My fellow Africans, these sort of questions will never end without a unified effort. Join stuff-about.com by spreading every article we write to every western friend you know and be part of the movement to enlighten the west and more importantly to save yourself the trouble of answering the same questions EVERY single day."

Sadly, the following questions are real and have not been altered in any way for humor purposes or dramatic effect.

Identities has been omitted to protect the ignorant.

Educating the West: Part 1 - Geography 101

Q:“You're from Africa? My wife and I have been to that COUNTRY...”

Africa is NOT country. If you believe it is you are actually ignorant beyond redemption and you should stop reading and just shoot yourself in the face.

Africa is a continent with 52 countries and cultures and languages too numerous to mention.

Africans do not all get along. Many countries have conflicts with one another. The only thing we all agree on is that we should disown Nigeria.

Q: “You're from Zambia? Do you know this guy Umpalumpa? He is from Sudan.”

I have a roughly 1 in 600 million chance of knowing the aforementioned Umpalumpa, so kindly stop asking this type of question.

Tim Kring who wrote Heroes-The Butterfly Effect is an educated Westerner:

Usutu: "You come from America."

Matt Parkman: "Yes, how did you—?"

Usutu: "Do you know Britney Spears?"

Matt Parkman: "...No."

Usutu: "She is from America."

Matt Parkman: "Yeah. America's a big place."

Usutu: "Yes. Africa is too."

Think about it.....

Q: “Hey Jumbo!. Hakuna Matata!”

"Hey I am just saying it could have been a bit more educational."

Since the "Lion King", westerners abandoned doing any research about Africa and regarded the movie as 1h 29 min summary of Africa. Timone, Pumba and Simba exacerbated the situation by singing "Hakuna Matata" in the movie causing non-African people to assume that Swahili is the universal language spoken by all Africans. Truth is, if you are not from Kenya or Tanzania you also heard it first in the Lion King.

COMING SOON: "Clothes in Africa?"

 More More funny Stuff....

Read More

Dogbook: A White People production.

Gender: 100% Bitch

Siblings: Estimated 108. We were taken from our mothers and seperated at birth to be raised by humans.

Interested in: Pure breed males, good looking mongrels.

Looking for: Anything I can eat.

Political views: Dogmatic Republican.

Favorite films: Lassie, The Incredible Journey, Rin Tin Tin, Underdog, Beethoven 1-4.

Favorite Quotes: "You're all bark and no bite - mum."

Work: Barking at cats, barking at strangers, barking at black people.

Interests: Catching Frisbees, fetching things, sleeping, eating, lying on my back playing dead, pulling clothing off the clothes line.

About me: I am an independent, driven bitch. People think I am lazy but I am just misunderstood. If you think you can mess with me, you're barking up the wrong tree. Don't make me upset or I'll get the dog down the road to piss on your leg.

If you want me as your bitch email me at princessbitch508@gmail.com

NOTE: When dogs finally take over the earth we can all blame white people, who took dogs from the outdoors, brought them indoors and empowered them.

By Sparklinglegend - who are having so much fun on a Saturday morning.

Read More

The Sparkling guide to Men: The Artistic Guy

"For example, sing 'You're Beautiful' in a very high pitched, indecipherable voice and the ladies will LUVV it."

By Sparklingjem.
Temperamental, childish and absolutely self involved, the Artist can get away with practically anything. We forgive him because the true artist suffers from unbearable inner torment which allows him to create great art. The Artist has no responsibility and can’t be bothered with the mundane aspects of life in case they cloud his inner vision.

Becoming the Artist.
Becoming the artist requires no artistic skill at all. In fact, skill can be detrimental as it is better if no one understands you. Being misunderstood facilitates the "tortured soul" and a practised air of superiority. All you need to do is learn a few names and appropriate terms that nobody has ever heard of and you can pass it off.

"Who doesn't simply love the tormented, misunderstood, struggling writer."

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips:

Types of girls this guy is best for.
Narcissistic, rich girls, miserable tormented girls, Satan worshipers. Like the Foreign Guy, Artists cannot date other artists, it is considered unfair and each is too involved with their own tormented souls to be burdened with caring for someone else.

Guys who suit this role.
Guys who have tragic life histories, guys who need to express themselves through their art and slightly effeminate guys who enjoy drama. Gay guys.

Why he’s irresistible.
All women want to be immortalised in art. Think of the Dark Lady in Shakespeare’s sonnets or the Mona Lisa. People around the world have been praising their beauty for centuries.

What you should wear.
Wear clothing appropriate to your type of art:

Performance artists: loose fitting black clothing, so you look like you’ve just come out of rehearsal even if they haven’t worked for six years.

Visual artists: Cover yourself in paint, clay or charcoal.

Writers: Everybody knows real writers never wear anything except pyjamas

Musicians: Anything, but be sure to carry around your musical instrument, the bigger the better. Being barefooted will make you stand out and give you a unique Jesus-like effect.

Where you should take her.
Art exhibitions, theatre performances and concerts. The more obscure they are, the more opportunity you have to sound deep and insightful. Don't worry about other artists challenging your knowledge, they will be too busy being impressed by their own opinions to listen to yours. If it is your own artistic display, be sure to ask her what she thought it meant and praise her for her insightful interpretations.

Important tips.
You have to smoke. All real artists smoke to avoid getting confused with commercial artists. Commercial artists do not put any of their soul into their work and therefore do not suffer the stresses of creating real art. This is also to prove to non-artistic people that being an artist is a stressful job and counts as real work.

OTHER TYPES OF MEN: Mr  Romantic, The  Free Spirit. The Rebel. The Witty/intelligent guy. The Foreign Guy The Nerd

Read More

For Free Budgies Everywhere!

It's amazing what you can achieve with careful planning, access to google and years of watching 'Greatest Criminal Escapes'.

By Sparklingjem

Read More

Dating "Must Nots." Must-not interrogate me!

By Freya E.

The beginning of a relationship is always fun. You are getting to know each other. You naively still believe your partner's quirks are cute – like how much they love their cats, or that they are "mildly" obsessed with Massive Multiplayer Online Role-playing Games (MMORPG). You are still ignoring obvious red flags – like the 7 years she spent in a maximum-security facility for identity theft or that he is wanted in connection with numerous acts of terror in the last decade.

The way we learn this type of stuff about a person is just as important as what we do with the information (i.e. ignore it and stay with the person or run like hell to get away from them).

I met one guy; let’s call him Derek, who decided that the best way to learn everything he needed to know about me was to execute a military style interrogation before the first date. I met Derek at a club on a Friday night. We met at the bar, he chatted me up, bought me a drink, we danced together for a few songs – it was lust at first sight. At the end of the night, I gave him my number. He promised to call and take me to dinner. He called me three days later. We chatted about how much fun Friday night was and made dinner plans for the following Saturday. Suddenly, the conversation turned into a Q and A session that even a CIA interrogator at Abu Ghraib prison would have been proud of. I was picturing myself in a dark room with him standing over me water-boarding me repetitively in an effort to extract information.

Readers, I have transcribed that part of the conversation so that you can fully understand.

Derek: Dinner will be cool. I hear that spot is good.

Me: Great. Can’t wait!

Derek: Have you ever been to an authentic Chinese restaurant?

Me: Yeah, there’s one in my neighborhood that I like. Have you been ---

Derek: Oh, good….. Do you have any pets?

Me: Yeah I have a cat. I’m hoping to get a –--

Derek: A cat? Alright….. Where’d you go to college?

Me: I’m still workin’ my way through…

Derek: Oh that’s good. Do you like sports?

Me: I’m a basketball fan. I like---

Derek: I like a girl who likes sports. What kind of music do you listen to?

Me: All sorts. I like good hip hop. What abou----

Derek: Me too. How do you feel about dogs?

Me: I like dogs but …. One sec, why are you asking me all these questions? Save some for the dinner conversation.

Derek (in a ‘you are cute but oh-so-dumb’ tone): Well, I’m trying to get to know you. This is the best way to get to know a person – you ask them questions.

Me: I get that, but this format makes me feel like a black guy being questioned by a white cop.

Derek (angry tone): If you don’t want to answer my questions then you’ve clearly got something to hide! What are you hiding!?

Me: Seriously? I got nothing to hide. Further more, I’m done with this conversation.

Derek: Does this mean we’re not going to dinner Saturday.

Me: Goodbye.

Lesson to be learned: A way to a woman’s heart should be as different from interrogating a terrorist as possible.

ALSO READ: MUST NOT WEAR ED HARDY...

Read More

A Republican World View...

By a righteously offended Africanlegend.

I think this Cartoon is a stroke of genius. Of course I modified the title slightly to make it more contemporary and perhaps timeless.

Why is Africa so SMALL (offended voice)!!!

ENLARGE

Original from virtualvideomap.com

Read More

The Sparkling Guide to Men: The Nerd

 "Nerds will take over the Planet: The Invasion is coming!"

Many people have confused The Intelligent/Witty Guy with a nerd after reading our previous article. So many intelligent, witty guys emailed me complaining about this misdiagnoses that I felt it my duty to clarify things.

I shall illustrate the difference between an INTELLIGENT WITTY GUY and A NERD with a simple Venn Diagram.

"While Intelligent Witty guys have many nerd-like characteristics like intelligence, they also have evolved social skills and charm through an unknown genetic mutation (Mutant Nerds) that we refer to as Wit."

The Nerd is misunderstood and often appears as boring, rigid and stuffy in social settings. This is because in his eager pursuit for knowledge he forgot to find a way to communicate it to us in a way that doesn't make him appear insane. The nerd will lack any knowledge or skills he cannot acquire from a text book or Google. He will be awkward in large groups, tell jokes no one understands and make references to things no one has ever heard of. A Nerd is genetically closer to a computer with a primitive artificial intelligence than he is to a man.

Becoming the Nerd
You need not bother with classically social activities because the masses will frustrate you. Buy a host of the finest school supplies, hit the library and spend all your time reading books or writing. The only people you can socialize with are other nerds. The best way to do this is sign up for a "Massive Multi-player Online Role-playing Game" or MORPG like World of War Craft or Dungeons and Dragons Online. This way you can waste countless hours of your day while meeting other like-minded nerds. You could also become a college professor.

Types of girls this is best for:
Nerdy Girls and really beautiful trophy wives who everybody knows are just with you for your money.

Guys who suite this role
Guys with a remarkable IQ but poor social skills. Indians or Japanese.

 "Harold and Kumar - Indian Doctor and Asian business man"

Why he is irresistible
A lot of research is being done but as of now there is no conclusive evidence that a Nerd is irresistible to any woman except a female nerd.

What he should wear:
Spectacles, out-dated clothing, War of the World Craft t-shirts with his character name on it and anything Harry Potter-esc.

Where he should take her
The "Pilgram's Bounty" in The World of Warcraft where you can both reflect on your journeys and good fortune, sharing plentiful food and stories with friends.

Note: You are most likely to create a life-changing invention due to your high intellect and spare time. After you die, generations later, people will finally understand your genius and talk about how great you were. However, in present life you will simply appear to the masses as pathetic and insane.

OTHER TYPES OF MEN: Mr  Romantic, The  Free Spirit. The Rebel. The Witty/intelligent guy. The Foreign Guy

Read More

How to win an Academy Award (Oscar)!

By Africanlegend
Everybody knows the Oscars are rigged. Certain types of movies stand a chance of winning while others do not have a hope in hell. Below I have detailed methods in movie making and acting which you can use to make sure you ALWAYS win an Oscar.

1.Don't be black.
Being black is one of the worst things you could do to win an Oscar, especially for Best Actor or Best Actress. If you don't believe me ask Denzel Washington who should have won an Oscar a long time ago. Occasionally black people may get an amnesty Oscar for some supporting character that swept floors for a main character; who also has to have been in Oscar contention.

2.Suffer from a disease, ailment or disfigurement.
Few things work better than to suffer from some kind of terminal illness or insurmountable handicap. For the greatest effect, you should go for a disease that afflicts 3rd world countries like AIDS, Ebola or Scurvy. Unfortunately, the Hallmark Movie Channel has over-used Cancer so it has dramatically lost its Oscar winning potential in recent years.

 "In Philadelphia, AIDS is to blame for Tom Hanks Oscar."

3.Make yourself ugly.
If you are attractive, make sure to lose or gain an obscene amount of weight and play a character that is suffering from some sort of psychosis or abuse. However, if you are naturally ugly, you will not manage to convince the critics you made adequately strenuous sacrifices to play your character.

 "Chalize Theron piles on the ugly in Monster."

4.Make a War movie.
Historically, the best War to focus on is WWII. Nazi Germany's crimes against European Jews has always been an Oscar-worthy theme. James Cameron has taken the classic war movie and added some variation. Cameron made the war on another planet, made the slaughtered individuals tree-hugging hippies, used a crippled guy for the male lead and also required us to wear 3D glasses to watch it at the movies. It is possible that this variation may trump the more conventional extermination of the Jews theme this year.

"Avatar - Extermination of the Tree-hugging hippies in 3D"

VS

"Inglorious Basterds - Humiliating the Nazis"

5.Make a VERY long, VERY boring movie.
Movie critics want to feel as if they have some sort of god-given, profound taste in movies. If you make a long, boring movie that causes the casual viewer to slip into a coma, the critics will have no option but to award you an Oscar. This is because they will have the opportunity to claim that we didn't understand the movie because of the complex plot and character development. They will also add the fact that the new generation of movie watchers have too short an attention span to realize the movie's true merit.

 "War and Peace 1956. 

Run Time: F$@k#n Long"

6.Be Clint Eastwood.
Clint Eastwood achieved the impossible, which is to turn from bad ass action star to thought provoking director. Critics have decided that to reward him, they will issue him with an automatic Oscar, regardless of how boring or remarkably similar his movies may be at times. Prior to Eastwood, Steven Seagal, another action star turned director had been terrorizing the world with his movies.

7.Die during the shoot.
This method was popularized most recently by the late Heath Ledger. A sure-fire way to get an Oscar is to die at some point during shooting your movie. The epic press attention and all the actors lining up to complete your movie for you will strong-arm the critics into giving you an award. Of course this plan is fundamentally flawed, so make sure you leave a video acceptance speech for after you win.

 "Heath Ledger as The JOKER in Dark Night. 

This method of winning an Oscar is not recommended by Stuff-about.com"

There you have it, How to win an Oscar 101!

Read More

Stuff-About.com's Quad-Weekly Horoscope

By SparklingJem

Pisces February 19 – March 20

With all the excitement that surrounds this month, you may find it easy to ignore the fact that you are another year older. Everyone else has taken note of it though so act accordingly.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Now is a great time to reconnect with your spiritual side. Due to the shift in the global economy, March brings specials on all leading psychic websites.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Life isn’t a popularity contest which is a pity because you’re trying hard to win the Miss Congeniality award.  Don’t let the adoration you receive this month distract you from getting what you really want which is as usual world domination.

Gemini  May 21 – June 20

There is a good chance this month that nothing really spectacular will happen. Ironically this advice could apply to anyone or any month but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Life is wonderful at the moment which is due to the fact that every single planet has just entered your sign bringing blessings and good fortune. This is not as impossible as it sounds.

Leo July 23 – August 22

The world of business just got more dangerous as everyone suddenly begins to think for themselves. Only you have the ability this month to understand what is really going on and follow the crowd.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Rationality has flown out the window which is a good thing as it clearly wasn’t doing you any good. A little impulsive behavior is likely to bring a disproportionate amount of happiness to you and those around you.

Libra September 23 – October 22

The conjunction of Jupiter and Mars in your seventh house means you are more likely to find happiness with material objects this month. They may not love you back but at least they are constant.

 Scorpio October 23 – November 21

In the second half of the month you will be very susceptible to illness. Watch out for symptoms such as fatigue, dizziness and hallucinations of reality.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Someone is trying to enter your life at the moment to bring you all the answers you are looking for. They may not appear dressed as a sage with a placard announcing their intention, so try not to judge people too quickly. Then again they may, so don’t dismiss the crazy guy at the street corner.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Your feelings of confusion have intensified this month. This is because the arrival of Jupiter brings wisdom and you have realized that nothing makes sense. The feeling of stability before was merely ignorance.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Pay close attention at work during this month. There are strange things going on and fame and fortune awaits you if you can expose it in the media.

Read More

Speak now or forever hold your MONKEY!

By The Webmaster.
Newly released pictures have confirmed that the rumors are true. Kanye West and Sarah Jessica Parker wed last week in a Las Vagas church next to the famous Bellagio hotel.

"We hope they do not drive each other bananas"

West (above right) was photographed sporting a classic Valentino "Newman" tux valued at around $3,000 while Parker (above left) wore a timeless Yumi Katsura wedding dress thought to be worth close to 1 million dollars and linked to funding global terror.

Congratulations from all the staff at Stuff-about.com

Read More

Universal Scale of Ugliness : "Nauseating."

"Is it human?"

By Africanlegend.
This is a tragic step down from being offensive. Not only is a person offended by the sight of you, but they actually have an adverse physical reaction that includes extreme dryness of the throat, heaving or gagging.

It is against the law to operate heavy machinery or motor vehicles if a Nauseating person is within a 2 mile radius. In some countries, driving with a Nauseating person in the passenger seat is considered to be an aggravated DUIU (Driving Under the Influence of Ugly). This is considered worse than drunk driving and is punishable by a jail term of no less than 15 years or a fine of no less than 3 million dollars.

If by some cruel twist of fate, you take a Nauseating person home after a night out, you may suffer a mild heart attack when you finally sober up in the morning and see their ugly mug in your face and feel their paws on your chest.

The best thing a person like this can do is convert to a religion which offers a non refundable "cover your face" feature. Alternatively, you can order Scorpion or Sub-Zero's Mortal Kombat costumes off ebay.

Nauseating people are naturally treated poorly by customer service workers. Don't be surprised to hear Nauseating people say things like:

“It took them hours to bring my food, but not my friends”

“People around us threw up but I thought the food was fine”

"The mall was completely empty today...i thought that was weird."

"There is an accident on highways 51, 43, 56, 67, 56 and 78 everytime I drive on them!"

Examples: Steven Tyler, White Michael Jackson, Mick Jagger, Alec Wek and any other "African supermodel experiments", Robert Pattinson in Twilight, Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love.

Chance of Marriage: 14% (Spouse is likely to be blind)

Chance of divorce: 0.00012% (May resort to violence to keep a mate)

Read More

Hard Working Career Cats.

HARD WORKING, FOCUSED CAREER CAT

AND......

NAUGHTY, PLAYFUL FAT CAT

Read More

The Sparkling Guide to Men: The Foreign Guy

"Spanish Guy = 100% effective"

By BabyJem.
Being 'the Foreign Guy' is a guise that works best to compliment another type of guy personality you may already have because ultimately it gives you the advantage of being noticeable and different. Your success depends largely on choosing the right country to be from; e.g. English guys are strangely successful in America, but are considered pathetically unsexy anywhere else in the world (Hugh Grant).

Becoming the foreign guy.
Genuinely be from another county, exaggerate your accent and claim to be royalty.

If you are not from another country, don't worry, you can become a "Foreign Guy by Visitation (FGV)," you simply have to....

Move to another country, spend 2-3 weeks there, learn some key phrases and buy a few items of clothing or generic artifacts. Then return to your home country claiming you have fallen in love with the country you visited and want to live there forever. Avoid choosing an obscure country nobody has heard of or a third world country plagued by pandemic disease or poverty. The Foreign Guy from a country recently plagued by the Ebola virus will not be sexy to the ladies.

"Same guy as above, but even in animation he is sexier than a local guy!"

Sparklingjem’s advice and tips

Types of girls this is best for.
Any local girls. The more ignorant of foreign affairs they are, the better (So an American women is ideal). Foreign girls are not allowed to go out with foreign guys as this is considered unfair.

Guys who suit this role.
Guys who are unsuccessful in their own countries.

Why he’s irresistible.
He is "sophisticated", unique and vulnerable. Even if he’s not showing it, he is probably missing home and we’d love to take away his pain.

What you should wear.
Clothes are relatively unimportant as foreign guys depend on their sexy, foreign accent for cultural identification. Besides, whatever you wear you can pretend it is the latest fashion in your country.

Where you should take her.
Somewhere sophisticated and cultured; preferably associated with your country. Anywhere you can claim reminds you of home, thereby reminding her of your carefully concealed loneliness.

Also read: TOP 5 FOREIGN MEN I'D LIKE TO GET NAUGHTY WITH.

OTHER TYPES OF MEN: Mr Romantic, The Free Spirit. The Rebel. The Witty/intelligent guy.


COMING SOON: The Nerd.

Read More