Heroic Dog saves another Dog off a busy highway: Cats are named as prime suspects.

This (above) is video of a heroic dog that saves a fellow colleague of his who manages to get struck by a truck on a busy highway in Chile.

Had a cat, the alternate, less friendly assortment of pet, been involved in this incident, we might have seen a different headline the next day. I'll hypothesize....

"Wonder cat in Chile able to drive a truck."

"Cat saves itself"

"Cat tricks two dogs into running onto a busy highway."

"Cat seen fleeing the scene of a tragic hit and run accident in a white Bronco. A Bloody glove was found at the scene of the crime."

"Cat cover-up. Dog activist assassinated."

"Dog owner tragically loses dog in highway accident but is thankful he still has his cat."

"After Jerry Springer show, mixed relationship between a cat and dog meets a tragic end."

"Cats release internet video taking credit for terrorist attack on the dog community and declare a Holy War."

"And some were simply entertained by the whole thing."

By Africanlegend

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Stupid People that need to go: The "Yeah, I'm an asshole, so what?" guy

By Musty.
You're at a meeting discussing something work related and making changes to the assignments that were given out during the last meeting. The person running the meeting asks the guy next to you a relevant question:

Insignificant office character 1: Robert, did you finish gathering the...

Robert: Naah, my bad

Insignificant office character 1:...Umm, Robert, we told you last time, we need those files turned in to division by Wednesday....

Robert: I said I'm sorry, OK!?

Insignificant office character 2: Robert, we're not asking for an apology, its just....

Robert:LISTEN BRO, I SAID I'M SORRY AND THAT MEANS I'M SORRY!

Insignificant office character 3: Hey, calm down, you're...

Robert: I'M WHAT... ACTING LIKE AN ASSHOLE? WELL GUESS WHAT? MAYBE I AM AN ASSHOLE, BUT YOU SHOULDN'T  ALWAYS BE IN MY BUSINESS LIKE THAT, OK? NOW FOR THE LAST TIME, I SAID MY BAD, SO LET'S JUST MOVE ON, OK? I'M WILLING TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD ON THIS ONE, OK, BRO?

Why this person is an asshole:

This guy is a 3 pronged, multi-layered breed of asshole because:

1) He's an asshole.
2) He knows he's an asshole, and does nothing about it.
3) He always manages to piss people off even more by acting like the victim.

None of this is his fault. A normal person would realize what they did, and then apologize accordingly. Not this guy. Because if you hadn't been all up in his grill like that, maybe he wouldn't have reacted so badly. And if you knew all the crap that's been happening in his personal life, you wouldn't be so quick to judge him.

In the previous example, that whole ordeal could have been avoided by simply doing what most people would have done in that situation; lied and said he had done the reports then some wild animal devoured them and all that's left is a few scraps of paper with teeth marks everywhere.

How to deal with this person:
Since he's such a loose cannon, its hard to know what will work. Your best bet is to up the asshole ante. This guy lives off of people apologizing to him, and him taking advantage of them for doing so, like a lion attacking the weakest antelope in the herd. Being extra kind with him only makes him more of an ass. Therefore, as soon as this guy gets out of line, its up to you shut him the hell up. A well timed,

"Hey, asshole, shut the F up and sit your ass down before I put my foot in it"

will throw him off, and that will be the end of him interrupting meetings with his antics. (Unless, of course, he's even more of an ass than you first thought. In which case he starts a fight with you and there's nothing you can do but take the beating and accept that your gamble failed.)

OTHER PEOPLE THAT NEED TO GO:
My boyfriend is like Jesus but twice as good chick.
You don't know what you are missing guy.
I don't listen to mainstream music guy.
The F My life Chick

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The Male Brain vs The Female Brain..

You know, this explains A LOT!

By Sparklingjem

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How to be a good Girlfriend (Step 4): Cut down on Sex!

By Sparklingjem.
Sex is the most important part of a relationship. This is because he needs it more than you do and by moderating it you can manipulate the power scale in yor favor.

The Method
Lots of sex is essential at the beginning of the relationship because this is the stage where you are still reeling him in. But once you have him, it is best to cut down on sex gradually but drastically. This way you can use sex as a reward when he is behaving well and withhold it when you are unhappy with his conduct. Many credible scientific journals have sited "sex modulation" as the most effective way to train a man.

Notes
Never attempt this step until you have successfully implemented Step 1 by eliminating all his female friends. If you fail to do so, he may seek solace in the bosom of one of his sympathetic female friends and you will lose control. This may lead to you having to resort to pulling a  ‘Jesse Woods’, where you are forced to beat him with a piece of sporting equipment to re-establish order.

Some of the more popular excuses to avoid having sex are:

~ I have a headache or [insert arbitrary minor  illness that usually wouldn't stop you]
~ I just wanna spend time with the ladies..
~ We never talk...(or simply actually just start expressing your feelings, which are typically man repellent.) 
~ I’m PMS-ing. (or simply PMS and be dramatic, that way he won't even come near you.) 
~ I have to wake up early..  
~ I’m not in the mood..
~ I think I am considering becoming a Nun..

Feel free to make up your own excuses. The more creative you are, the more fun it will be.

Tips to bear in mind, cut down gradually, never leave it too long and make it really good when you give it.

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When to call a girl back: Dating reform bill

Motion 2: To amend the prevailing phone call rules in the Dating Game.

Current Law:
Men should wait 2 days before calling a woman after obtaining her number to avoid looking desperate and he must not wait longer than 3 days or the girl will lose interest. In addition to that, a man must not leave a voice mail on his first phone call and if the man does not reach the woman for any particular reason, he must not attempt to call back the very same day or even the next. He must wait 1-2 days to try again.

As pertains to women, they must not return missed phone calls or voicemails hastily or they will come across as desperate. They should wait an arbitrary amount of time of their choosing.

Comment:
Any girl who subscribes to these rules is clearly an idiot. Why would your pre-qualifier be based on a set of rules one can easily find on google by typing "when to call a girl". Secondly, you were never really interested if you magically lost interest on the 12th hour of the second day. That's not how being interested works in kindergarten and since the dating game is based on mimicking kindergarten behavior patterns, we can assume the same rules apply.

When a guy gives you a call, it is not a reflection of his character or substance. It is merely a sign of his desperation. However, desperation is a relative and useless term. If you meet someone you like, you are automatically desperate. Just because you know the rules and manage to mask it doesn't make you any less desperate and any better of a man.

The Amendment (Passed on Twitter Week 17 April 2010)

Amendment I. Upon obtaining a girls number, she has made the commitment to pick up or return a call but not necessarily to agree to a date. Therefore, it shall not matter when a guy calls a girl back so long as it is within a reasonable time period. This shall be anytime from the next day to couple of days after. Apply reason. If you wait 3 years to call back, the women is entitled to pepper spray you in the face for your stupidity the next time she encounters you.

Amendment II. If a man cannot reach a woman, he shall leave a voice mail like a reasonable adult to which she should respond as soon as she finds a convenient time to do so.

Amendment III. Any persons subscribing to the previous law shall be deemed felony category idiots; a crime punishable by social exile, a fine of up to $350 000 or imprisonment with very dangerous black people.

HOWEVER...if you leave a voice mail PLEASE do NOT make it like this one!!! If you haven't heard THE DOUCHIEST PHONE CALL IN HISTORY...now is your chance LMAO!

CLICK HERE IF THE VIDEO DOES NOT WORK IN YOUR AREA


EMBED-Douchebag Phone Message - Watch more free videos

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What men and Women Want

To provide a brief summary:


Men want: A surrogate mother to: cook, clean, raise kids and have enough energy at the end of it all to have sex with them.


Women want: Someone rich to blabber at all day, who will look after the brats and plant tomatoes in the back yard while she goes shopping at Tiffany...


By Africanlegend.

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Racist cook book causes OUTRAGE!

An Australian cookbook, "The Pasta Bible", was recalled recently when one recipe called for "salt and freshly ground black people," (READ ARTICLE)

In Australia and the rest of the world it was deemed an "embarrassing typing error"...

However, in the US, there was a mixed but predictable response...

Black people.
~ Black people probably didn't hear about it but since white people are involved, by default we can safely assume they are currently angry and would be angry in the event that they did hear about it.

Laquisha Jackson: I don't know what happened but you know white people. I don't trust em. And where is the white nigga that wrote the book? Imma break my foot in ass soo bad he's gonna [censored]...

Southern white people.
~ Southern bible belt confederates saw nothing wrong with the cook book, saying that the only problem was that the recipe "salt and freshly ground black people," was in fact very unimaginative.

Bubba "Jeep" Foxworthy: I don't see what the problem is? I wouldn't even buy that book. Ours have better recipes like "Lazy Negro Soup," "The Hang that Negro Sandwich, (with cheese)" and my personal favorite the "Go back to Africa Steak, with a boat load of caramelized onions" 

Progressive white people.
~ Progressive white people, the self proclaimed protectors of black people and holders of the magic crystal of morality were the most offended by it. Even more so than black people.

Sarah Smith: I am shocked and appalled by this. This is an outrage! What do you think the great black revolutionaries like Martin X and Malcom Luther King would say? This is terrible! I am going to invite my one black friend over for dinner so we can discuss this and I'll even let him in this time. 

Mexicans.
~ Mexicans were too hard at work to make a comment...

Asians.
~ Asians sided blindly with ALL white people because they adore them SOOOO much!

NB: Apologies to any racial groups I omitted...you are probably just not a funny bunch..

By Africanlegend.

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How to be the Hottest, most Attractive Guy at the Bar!

"Yes this will even work for HIM"

By Africanlegend
Many men are distracted by external characteristics thinking that they are what women find attractive. So they think they should be 6"0 tall, black, muscular and have a deep voice to be the hottest item. But what if you are short, white, weak and have a voice like Mariah Carey. You can become a gym rat and maybe catch a bit of a tan but you can't really get any blacker and you certainly can't get any taller.  Is there hope for you? Observe a quote from a girl I know. (She is fairly attractive and so would be considered a decent catch.)

"We [girls]like to be special - not your last ditch attempt to do something on a friday night. We like to know other women want you but we won."

It is a woman's genetic imperative to pick the male with the finest genes. Since normal woman don't go pricking men with needles and stealing their tooth brushes and locks of hair for genetic testing, how do they do it?

They assume the guy that is desired by most females must be the one with the most superior genetic make up. Since this is their assumption, it makes them very easy to fool. So here is a flawless method to make you the hottest, most attractive guy in your local bar.

1. Find two knock out beautiful women. Preferably not one of your female friends, they will tend to sabotage everything you do to keep you for themselves. Have the women walk with you into the bar. Immediately all the women in the room will by default think the women on your arms are bitches simply because they are attractive (it's genetic).

2. Have THEM buy YOU drinks. If you buy them drinks, you do nothing but affirm that they are hanging out with you as a favor and you are paying for it.

3. Go on to the dance floor and dance with both of them. Make it The Salsa, The Tango or any type of dance that looks like some type of vertical fornication.

4. During the dance, have them fight over you. As fun as it would be to see two hotties fighting, don't let them throw any punches or pull any hair because it may turn into a real fight. Get in between them, hold them apart and loudly say. 

"Ladies this is enough! If you aren't going to behave we are leaving! Get your stuff"

Drop a 50 on the bar top and walk out. Have them pick up your stuff and follow you out.

Even if you look like the love child of Swamp Thing and Rosanne Bar, there will be a domino effect and all the girls will find you irresistible. The phenomenon will grow exponentially. They will all like you and not quite know why.

 Granted years later when it is all over they will all say,

"What the hell did we see in that skinny asshole anyway."

But honestly who cares, for you it was MISSION ACCOMPLISHED :-)

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Stupid People that need to go: The "F My Life" Chick

I drove to work and I was in traffic for 35 minutes OH MY EFFIN G, my life is over! -FML

By Musty.
You're at work wondering how you managed to place yourself in an environment surrounded by a group of imbeciles and are now researching various ways of committing suicide, when you overhear the chick in the cubicle next to you talking on her i-pad; which she bought to replace her i-phone.

F my life Chick: Oh my god, like, this day can't possibly get any worse! The hairdresser cut 1/8th of an inch too much hair off and then at Starbucks I ordered a half-soy, half 1%, mocha decaf caramel mint [insert fancy french word]macchiato and they gave me THREE-QUARTERS 1% MILK! O-M-EFFING-G! Who does that? Then they took like ten minutes to make my sandwich and I was like, HELLO! I got stuff to do! It's not like I can stand here all day waiting for a turkey sandwich!  F my life, seriously!

You over-hear this and can think of a few more ways her day can get worse, but most, if not all, of those ways involve some sort of combination involving her, sharp objects and you laughing maniacally.

Why this person is an asshole:
First of all, your life is not that bad. You have a job and no physical or mental disabilities apart from general stupidity. Just because you had a couple of things go wrong today, it doesn't mean that your WHOLE life is F'ed up. Most of your problems are self-inflicted anyway. Those four essays due tomorrow that those "asshole" teachers assigned on the same day, were assigned 4 MONTHS AGO! If you cut down on the Keeping up with the Kardashians marathons, maybe you'd have finished them on time. Oh and that "bitch at work" wouldn't bother you quite so much if you didn't have lunch with her everyday and sleep over at her place every weekend. Here's an idea, stop hanging out with her! Get a grip asswipe. Stop making it seem like your problems are earth-shattering when we have a lot of our own stuff we're dealing with. You just annoy people who actually have real problems.

How to deal with this person:
Tell them to SHUT UP.

Here is an example of a person that has so many problems that it's ok for them to complain a little:

Dirty Poor Ethiopian: I'm a dirty poor African person living in the deathly hot deserts of Ethiopia. I have no AC and because I'm Ethiopian, I am wearing traditional Ethiopian attire -- No Nike, Gucci or Ralph Lauren. I wake up at the crack of dawn, and go out to work. I walk 23 miles, barefoot, to get there. My work does not involve desks or computers or sitting on facebook all day. I mine salt. All day, everyday with no shovel, I have to use my hands. I dig and dig until the sun goes down. If I am lucky I go home immediately but if it is my turn I have to carry my boss home. Oh, that loud noise you just heard behind me? That was actually a missile shot off by some rebels on their way to kidnap my family and I. These kinds of things happen a lot around here. - FML

So basically, remind anyone who says FML that unless they can come up with a similar story, their life ain't all that terrible.

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how to be a good girlfriend (Step 3): Stop him from doing fun things!

By Sparklingjem.
Fun things are usually dangerous and immature. It is your duty to stop him from doing things which are detrimental to his health, wellness and future success in life. This should be easy once you have removed the damaging influence of his female friends and single friends. The other reason is that if you foolishly allow him to do fun things, he will be difficult and resentful if you want him to do positive and productive things like shopping for bathroom fittings or taking you to your yoga class.

Never tell him outright that he cannot do something, he will feel the need to rebel against you for no other reason other than that he is still under the impression that he wears the pants in the relationship. To stop him from having fun follow this 3 step process.

Step 1
Tell him that whatever he wants to do is fine. Use the classic female tone of voice which clearly conveys that although you are saying ‘It’s fine’ you do not mean it. Eventually, men are able to understand its true meaning. If he still decides to do what he wants then proceed to step 2

OR

Mention some counter-event or outing that you had wanted him to accompany you to that occurs at the same time as his. He will either:

i) Agree to go to your event or
ii) Stand up for himself.

If he chooses i) his fun is compromised. You have won. If he chooses ii) this is totally unacceptable and you should immediately proceed to step 2.

OR

Pretend to misunderstand the nature of his plans and agree to go with him. He will either:

i) Agree to take you or
ii) Explain that he meant to go alone.

If he chooses i) go with him, make him miserable and complain the entire time thus forcing him to leave prematurely. He will regret going to the event. You have won. If he chooses ii) this has become an intolerable situation and you should immediately proceed to step 2.

STEP 2
Send him updates about what you are doing while he is out enjoying himself. You can take two approaches to this. You can:

a. Make it sound like you are having the time of your life in an environment rich with nubile, young males. He will be irked you are having fun without him and will regret it; you have won.

b. Sound miserable and depressed.

Proceed to step 3.

STEP 3
The next day behave cold and stand-offish, give one word answers and do not laugh at his jokes. Do not even THINK about having sex with him! He will eventually realize that he has done something wrong and will try and figure it out for a few weeks and eventually try make up for it. You have won.

Repeat the process until the idiot finally learns. It may take 3-14 months. This will eventually wean him off fun things by virtue of the consequences.

ALSO READ:
STEP 1: Remove all women from his life.
STEP 2: Get rid of all his single friends

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When to give a Guy your Number: The Dating Reform Bill.

Dating practices need to be radically changed before more people are irreparably and psychologically damaged by them. If you have not already done so, please read the preface; Dating Reform Bill: The Dating Game summed up and why it is stupid!

MOTION 1: To amend the wasteful practice of superfluous number exchanging and the subsequent non response of individuals.

CURRENT LAW:
Women may hand out their phone number to guys without ever having the intention of answering their phones when the guy calls them. And they certainly have no intention of ever calling the guy back. This process can be used as a self esteem boosting exercise.

The result: The gentleman calls and she sits around her cell phone with a couple of her BFFs looking at the caller ID saying:

Girl: OMG it's that guy from the bar last weekend. What should I do?
BFF: Nothing lets just watch your phone light up :-). It looks pretty!

On the other hand, men may ask girls that they are not interested in and have no intention of calling back for their numbers. This can be used as a practice exercise for the time they do meet a girl they are attracted to.

The result: He does not call and the girl organizes a ladies night where she sits with a box of tissues crying. Her BFFs cuddle with her and proceed to tell her how men are evil and how he wasn't man enough for her anyway.

The Amendments (Passed on Twitter Week 11 May 2010)

I: Amendment to end the wasteful exchange of phone numbers.
Women may only give their numbers to gentlemen if they have the intention of picking up the gentleman's attempted call or responding to his subsequent text messages. However, if she picks up her phone, she is not necessarily required to agree to go on a date with him especially if his conduct on the phone is unacceptable (READ: Must NOT interrogate me!).

Men may not use any female as a Guinea Pig and are required by law to grow some balls and ask only women they are genuinely interested in for their contact information.

II. Amendment to protect women from felony level douchebags.
Men are ordered to cease and desist from extreme persistence when asking a woman for a number if she says no firmly more than twice. If he continues, a woman may provide him with a fake number. If that fails, a woman may use any tricks she currently has in her arsenal to get rid of him with no penalty by law. These may include:

A) Pepper Spray.
B) Obtaining the services of a big black male friend to threaten or beat the man.
C) Unleashing the “bitchy hungry friend” on him.
D) Clobbering the guy with some kind of sporting equipment.
E) Alerting the bouncers or Law enforcement.

COMING SOON: Motion 2: How long to wait before calling.

BE A PART OF THE REVOLUTION: Spread the Article and/or join us on twitter to join the debate #datingreform.

Tweet us:
Africanlegnd: Speaker of the House.
Mr1derful83: Chief of Staff.
Sprklingjem: Female Regulatory Committee & amp; cute girl whose opinion we respect.

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Vocabulary "A Jesse Woods"

By Africanlegend.
This behavioral pattern was pioneered by the first men to develop reason prior to the stone age. They very quickly realized that having many women was a far superior idea than having just one. However, it only recently become popularized by Tiger Woods and Jesse James, who were both involved in media hyped, ramphant adulterous escapades.

Pulling a "Jesse Woods" involves:

1. Getting in a relationship.

2. Getting your significant other to win an oscar (or award) and brag to everyone about how awesome you are and how you changed her life.

3. Getting in a vehicle accident. Preferably something small so you can survive and be exposed.  Bigger vehicles like airplanes would make your survival unlikely and hence defeat the purpose.

4. Having your wife or significant other find out about your shenanigans after reading TMZ.com before you get the chance to tell her.

5. Being beaten with some kind of sporting equipment e.g baseball bats, golf clubs or darts, then vehemently denying it when the whole world knows you got your ass kicked by a girl.

6. Checking yourself into sex-rehab and pretending you did it because of some uncontrollable force operating in your body that "forces" you to have sex with attractive women. (because every man needs to be forced to do that!)

Example.

Paul: Are Sally and Adam still together?
Dave: No. He pulled a Jesse Woods. We could all see it coming. She hit him over the head with a pool cue and he is in hospital right now. He should be in sex rehab by the end of the week.
Paul: That's sad! At least I'm happy though. My girlfriend Carol just won an award for best dancer at dance competition.....she had so many good things to say about me....

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How to be a good girlfriend (Step 2): Get rid of his Single Friends!

Disclaimer: Please note we take no responsibility for any problems arising if you have not read 6 reasons to avoid a relationship or have ignored any of our previous advice.

By Sparklingjem.
By now you should have executed step 1 and enforced the removal of all other women from his life. Step 2 is an extremely delicate and crucial step. Single friends are a subversive influence, likely to:

A: Point out that you are being too controlling and encourage him to stand up for himself. This is obviously unacceptable.

B: Make him aware of the freedoms you are making him sacrifice for his own good.

How to get rid of them
First identify the ring leaders. They are likely to be the one or two guys who arrange the strip club excursions and poker nights and use their charisma to lure other men to follow them blindly. Once you know who these are, you can plot to bring them down. Until you do, you cannot move forward. The best way to do this, is to cause them to have a seemingly unjustified, vociferous outburst and speak out against you. You can do this by scheduling girly quality time (date night, shopping for pink curtains, watching Sandra Bullock movies) during classic man time. Do this every second week. Within 2 to 3.6 months the rogue single friend will get defensive and lash out.

For this to work, It is important to always appear friendly and welcoming to these friends in front of him. Make sure in all your encounters with him, you come across as the calm, reasonable and understanding one. The more reasonable and understanding you are, the more unmerited their uprising will seem when the time comes. Once you capitalize on their reactions. The rest will be easy.

Preventative care
Encourage friendships with other attached friends. Attached friends are safe, as they are being kept in line by their own girlfriends, who implement their own restrictions and guidelines. Keep a look out for badly managed relationships and take action quickly if you see they are slipping out of control because unhappy men tend to form small bands of militia and recruit happy men to do activities with them. This will be a problem for you down the line.

COMING SOON: STAGE 2: STOP HIM FROM DOING FUN THINGS


I'm Sprklingjem on Twitter :-)

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Dating Reform Bill: The Dating Game summed up and why it is stupid!

By Africanlegend.

The dating game summed up! 

Step 1

You meet. Either the guy comes up with something really witty to say or something paralyzingly stupid. It doesn't really matter, since she decided she would talk to you anyway because you matched your belt with your shoes and picked a fine pair of designer jeans. All essential attributes of a stand up man.

Step 2

Her friends, who are really her enemies, pull her away for bathroom trip number 700. Unless you have a wingman to distract all the spare women from realization of their own loneliness, which will automatically result in c-blocking.

Step 3

You think you have 5 minutes to impress her, when it is really more like 5 minutes not screw up. You blabber something about a great job and being a college bound athlete that blew out his knee in high school the spring season before college. You both know you are lying. You are too skinny too play anything but darts but she is really enjoying herself. She actually likes you.

Step 4

Her friends shake off the wingman, you see them coming. You only have a minute. You ask her for her number. She says, "If I give it to you will you call me?" You say, "yes." You think this exchange means that if you call her she will pick up. You are NOT an idiot to believe this.

Step 5

You sit there confused after you call her 2-3 days later (because that's how long you wait: 1 day = desperate, 2 days = perfect, at 12 midnight on day 3 she forgets you like a Goldfish.) and she doesn't pick up. Maybe she decides to send you a text message which spawns into some awkward exchange whereby you ask her out and she tells you how busy she is. She has to save the rain forest, resolve the middle east crisis and put an end to terrorism this week so she can't make it out to dinner forever.

Step 6

Uhhhhhhhhh........[AL throws laptop down in frustration at how pointless and inefficient this whole process is]

ENOUGH!!!!!!

Obama recently reformed health care in the US. Now it is time to reform dating because all this strikes me as a horrible waste of time. Stuff-about.com is currently drafting a "Dating Reform Bill" to put an end to wasteful spending, outdated ideas and inefficient programs in the dating game. We will reach across the isle to get both men and women involved in this bipartisan process and save the generations to come from being victims of "the dating game".

COMING SOON: Dating Reform Bill: Article 1, Getting Numbers.

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Educating the West part 3: White people in Africa

Where to find white people in Africa.

"Note: You may find white people in obscure places doing relief work, but they are likely to be westerners rather than natives."

By Africanlegend.

Q: She can't be from Africa. She's white!

I was hanging out with my white African friend Sparklingjem when a group of westerners heard a Lion King type of accent and they approached us.

Westerner 1 (probably American): Hey you guys don't sound like you are from here.

AL: Yeah we aren't actually. I am from Zambia, she's from South Africa. In Africa!

Westerner 2 (unknown decent but let's assume America): Africa...wait but she is white? Are there white people in Africa? What are they doing there? Are they lost? Should we rescue them?

The truth is, there are a decent amount of white people in Africa whose descendants have been there long enough that they can be considered 'native'. They manage to avoid fighting wars, starving, causing political disturbances and generally have homes so they are never featured on western media like CNN. Despite being on a completely different continent, these white people share the 7 universal characteristics of ALL white people.

1. They lack self preservation instincts, so they do dangerous things like skydiving, bungy jumping and investigating suspicious activities.

2.They are on time.

3.They believe in social order so they don't cut lines.

4.They are generally close to anywhere where money is readily available.

5.They generally dislike black people and all black-related shenanigans.

6.They deny #5, so they have one token black friend to cite as evidence that they are not racist.

7.They don't beat their children, resulting in the little brats screaming at them in their youth.

8.They play loud discombobulated sounds and pass it off as music.

Still don't believe me? To prove that white people in Africa are no different from regular white people, here is a group of white people that got together to make loud discombobulated sounds and pass it off as music. Apart from having funny accents they are pretty status quo white dudes.

*The one that arrived late has been hanging around with too many black people so that is why he arrived on African Time (AT); 3 hours late, which is bad even by black peoples' standards.

USED2Bsyris: David Garbers (Guitar and Vocals), Chris Baillie (Bass) Mark Rose (Drums)
Myspace: www.myspace.com/used2bsyris
Facebook: USED2Bsyris Fan Club



OTHER LESSONS
Part 1: The Geography of Africa
Part 2: Languages in Africa


COMING SOON: Part 4: Clothing in Africa

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Tiger Woods and Jesse James Official statement.

"And he looked so in LOVE!"

By SaharaGoddess and Africanlegend

Stuff-about.com would like to release an official statement with regards to Tiger Woods and Jessie James. Since we had disagreements on the issue, it has been published as a two part statement representing the views of all members on the staff.

The WOMEN of Stuff-about.com WROTE:

Stuff-About.com would like to distance itself from the ongoing shenanigans of billionaire golfer Tiger Woods and Neo Nazi biker Jesse James, whose behavior has shed light on a disorder that has just recently been mis-characterized as sex addiction. It is our belief based on sound science that was taken through a barrage of hypothesis testing that the disease or disorder called sex addiction does not exist. The disorder is in fact the result of a conscious choice by immoral men who feel empowered to do whatever they choose to do whenever they want. 

Furthermore, we would like to characterize the aforementioned men as selfish womanizers who have no respect for their wives or themselves. Our scientists believe that this type of behavior is further enforced by women like Elin Woods who choose to stay with these worthless pieces of crap the world has chosen to call role models.

For more on Sex Addiction and SEX REHAB click here.

"See poor guy was forced to sleep with that woman!"

The MEN of Stuff-about.com WROTE:

Stuff-about.com would like to show its support for courageous, black golfer Tiger Woods and Motor cycle entrepreneur Jesse James. Adulterous behavior need not warrant social upheaval and the parties involved should be allowed to continue their lives as they see fit. Parents are role models, famous people make money and have no explicit responsibility to the general public. Furthermore, sex addiction is a serious and legitimate medical condition that a male develops around puberty and can cause serious neurochemical imbalances if left untreated. 

 Jesse James was widely regarded as a douchebag prior to his relationship with Sandra Bullock and did not advertise or package himself dishonestly. Thus Sandra Bullock should not expect anything to the contrary. This is another classic case of a woman believing she can change a frog into a prince and now has to sleep to the sound of him croaking all night. Tiger Woods has been providing a life of luxury for Elin Woods. We all know she knew what was going on because a woman always knows. We are glad she has done the right thing and shown support for him and opted to continue to live a lavished life of fine dining and expensive clothing.

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Dating "Must nots": Must not hit on both my sister and me!

By Freya E
Gentlemen, hitting on both my sister and I is a very ill-advised strategy. The odds will be heavily stacked against you. Even if you are sneaky and don’t hit on her in front of me, I will know what you are up to. Here’s a little secret - we communicate. Women have an inate psychic ability that enables them to send information over large distances instantaneously. In scientific circles it is commonly referred to as texting, calling, messaging or emailing. My sister is much younger than I am so any guy capable of executing this plan will be either too young for me, or too old for her. As in, the too old that is illegal in most states.

Here is a typical scenario:

The guy, let’s call him Roberto, will meet both my sister and I at church one Sunday. He will decide that he will hit on my sister first because he sees her more often. He figures that since he has now taken a volunteering position at her job twice a week he can spend his time executing his devious scheme until she caves in. In his mind, he has made what he believes is a flawless mental calculation:

3H(2D)+ Y = 30D

where H=number of hours

D=Days

Y= the new Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue Pour Homme cologne he just bought.

He is ready to execute his plan and it will often pan out like this:

Week 1
Roberto spends his 1st week playing the “I’m a nice guy” hand. He offers to help set up at the beginning of his shift, he runs out to get coffee for everyone during the mid-afternoon slump, he jumps over desks and pushes elderly ladies down to open the door for my sister, he even offers to stay late to clean up!

Week 2
In fear of getting stuck into the “friends zone,” he begins moving into her personal space. Every time she turns around he is less than 4 inches from her face. He does not let her get more than 6 inches away from him.

Week 3
He decides it’s time to take it up a notch, he begins making comments about how good she looks and turning mundane everyday conversations into sexual innuendo. A typical third week conversation might go something like this . . .

Roberto: Are you coming to the fund raiser for the homeless, The Sweet Soulful Sandwich day?

Sister: Naa...I am not sure I can come.

Roberto: Hey well if you give me a couple of minutes of your time...I'm sure I can make you CUM.

What Roberto perceives as skillfully sexy my sister perceives as sexual harassment.

Week 4
After my sister reports him to his supervisor, Roberto reluctantely accepts that maybe he has failed. He looks up and notices me setting up for the begining of my shift. You can almost see his mind going into restart. He offers to help me before running out to get coffee for everyone during their mid-afternoon slump, jumping over desks and pushing over an elderly lady in the process.

Before he comes over I hear a loud beeping sound. It is a text from my sister my sister,,,

"Enjoy week 1. Really milk it. The sucker will do anything."

ALSO READ:
Must not INTERROGATE me!
Must not wear ED-HARDY!

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Educating the West part 2: The Languages of Africa.

THE ORIGINS OF MOST AFRICAN LANGUAGES.

"Wow I just found out I speak Niger-Congo B (Bantu) ~ My mom has been lying to me all my life ~ Shame on you Mamalegend"

*If you know a westerner in need of help and some serious education, SPREAD these posts. Nobody should have to suffer.

Q: Do you guys speak English in Africa?

This is a valid question that is often just asked in the poorest of contexts. Africa, as mentioned before in Educating the West Part 1, has 52 countries and with that come numerous languages, almost too vast in number to bother to quantify.

here's the big hairy BUTT....

If I just addressed you in perfect English and told you I arrived in the US recently, then if you think about it, it is an asinine question to ask. The question will usually be asked in this context:

Westerner just meets African and is immediately taken aback by the the fact that he is fully clothed and speaking English

Westerner (Very likely American): You have a funny accent. You are not from here are you?

AL: No I'm from Zambia.

Westerner: Huh?

the westerner has a perplexed look on her face as if some alien planet in a distant galaxy was referenced. Quickly AL realizes he must clarify.

AL: Africa?

Westerner: OH!! thought you said some other place...when did you get here?

AL: I got here last week actually. Here is my border pass, it says here.. "Arrived last week".

Westerner: Oh really that's awesome! You speak English SO well. Do you speak English in Africa? I thought you all did the clicks thing.

Bearing in mind that the aforementioned African has stated that they just arrived, we have only the following logical, very plausible, absolutely 100% possible assumptions to consider.

A) They have spoken it for a while (Live in an English speaking area)
B) They have achieved the pinacle of true genius and learnt fluent English on a 12 hour flight because of the magical properties of British Airways Coca Cola.
C) They got abducted by Aliens who froze time and home schooled them. As a result, they are fluent in not only English but Uklubita, Mesojupitipus and Youranus.
D) They are the only African that speaks English and Dick Cheney had them quarantined, but they escaped after offering sexual favors to one of the gaurds.

Still don't believe any of this? Here is audio of a well adjusted African, speaking English. He lived in Botswana for 19 years.

A REAL LIVE AFRICAN SPEAKING ENGLISH!


OTHER LESSONS
Part 1: The Geography of Africa


COMING SOON: Part 3 Clothing in Africa

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How to be a good girlfriend (The 5 step process).

By Sparklingjem
If you have decided to enter into a relationship and you don't know how to be a good girlfriend, there are a few simple rules you should know before starting out. It may be tempting to try to be the cool or understanding girlfriend, but that threatens the balance of power women have held for centuries. And more importantly it tears the fabric that is the basic foundation and structure of society. You may also argue that your boyfriend is different/extra special, but that is probably something you came up with while you were heavily "medicated". Be warned. ALL men are the same and EXTREMELY DANGEROUS unless kept under proper control. Any woman violating or failing to enforce these simple laws will be branded a lesbian and/or a communist.

Disclaimer: Please note we take no responsibility for any problems arising if you have not read 6 reasons to avoid a relationship or have ignored any of our previous advice.

Step 1: Enforced removal of all other women.
Whether they are friends or colleagues, other women are very dangerous. Every woman has a built in genetic imperative to screw things up for other women that are happier than they are. So a happy, captive man will draw affection from women that were previously uninterested in him provided he is in a healthy relationship.

Also, because other women are not bound to enforce any laws, they come across as cooler and more understanding. Naturally, this is only to lure men in before beginning an enforcement program of their own. Men unfortunately do not understand that their girlfriends only enforce these restrictive measures on them for their own good and do not necessarily enjoy doing so.

How to get rid of them
Never say anything that is outrightly critical about his female friends or demand he never see them again. This will backfire and reinforce all the bitchy things she is no-doubt saying about you. First say something nice about her. Then mention something about her that your boyfriend is unaware of and will find repulsive.

Examples:
"Wow your friend Carla is soooooooo awesome, do you know she won the New York Shopathon 3 years in a row."


OR

"Lyndsie has such a great sense of humour. She was telling me the funniest story about the time her gynecologist diagnosed her with genital warts."

COMING SOON. STEP 2: GET RID OF HIS SINGLE FRIENDS

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What Really Happened on Easter.

"HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE...BE SAFE!!!"

Scene of the last supper. Jesus and his disciples are all in the same room on their laptops g-chatting.

Jehova87: Ok great meal guys...I enjoyed it. Big ups to my Dad for all the food.

PeterAD46: Yeah it was awesome, after all that wine I'm a little tipsy.

Matt: LOL @PeterAD46. I might quote you on that and put it in my new book, "The Bible" that's what I'll call it.

TraitorDude6: @Matt! Stop with this whole Bible thing, you just spent JC's last supper taking notes..It's not like anyone will publish your stupid book anyway.

Luke-ingood12: @TraitorDude6, you have been a buzz kill all night. What's the deal with that?

Jehova87: That's because he gave my location away to the Romans for a few bucks..

StearnMark: HAHA ROFLMAO!! @Jehova87...too funny dude!

Jehova87: No seriously! Then Peter will claim he doesn't know me when it is obvious that he does because his t-shirt says "I know Jesus" on it. In fact, the guards are on their way right now.

2 Roman Guards walk in the room and get ready to pick Jesus up. Judus gives one of the Guards a high five and the guard gives him a check and a brand new i-phone. One of the guards turns to Peter to question him.

Roman: Hey, you with the t-shirt. Do you know this guy?

Peter: Um...wow he looks familiar, but I can't quite place him.

Roman: Look, we know you know him. This is just a formality. You see, in "The Bible" it says we have to ask you.

Matthew: Hey wait...that's the name of my book!

The guards look confused.

Peter: Seriously, I don't know that guy, why would I hang around with a guy dressed like that. It's not even designer.

Roman: But your t-shirt says "I know Jesus."

Peter: Yeah but the BAND Jesus...not this guy.

Jesus: Cut it out Peter! Anyway guys, I guess I got to go for a bit. Guards, give me a minute, let me just log off.

Jehova87: OUT FOR A BIT, BE GOOD......BRB (Jehova87 has logged off)

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The Truth about Sex Rehab! Jessie and Tiger's Experiences.

 "You need it when you 'Just do it' too much"

By The Webmaster.
First Tiger Woods, now Jessie James. Celebrities checking themselves into Sex Rehab. What is Sex Rehab and what exactly does it entail? At Sparklingjem's suggestion, and in what she calls a preemptive measure, AL checked himself into a Sex Rehab facility last weekend. Here's what he found out.

Sex rehab works in 3 stages

Stage 1:
A full evaluation of the patient's history and any past “trauma”. All the fun they had and why it was bad.

Stage 2:
Confronting the patient's distorted view of reality.

Stage 3:
Relapse prevention. In severe cases this may require castration or neutering.

Some of the activities patients typically undergo:

1.Patients are shown graphic images of naked men and women putting their clothing back on. This helps the patients unlearn the idea that one can only take clothes off.

2.Patients are required to find alternate activities to do if they ever feel the uncontrollable desire to have sex; activities like baking. (This explained the massive 23 storey chocolate cake AL saw in the parking lot when he arrived).

3.Patients are made to watch Barny and Teletubbies for hours on end. This is to put them in touch with their innocent youth once again. It appears though that this may be more for the amusement of the nurses and staff.

4.Patients are made to look at pictures of Queen Victoria naked, which is enough to stop just about anyone from thinking about having sex.

5.Patients are made to log on to pornographic websites and when asked to verify that they are over 18, they are required to click "NO". This is repeated for a few hours until the process of automatically clicking "YES" is unlearned.

6.Every day patients are made to get sensual massages from Asian women and go home immediately after the massage is complete with no "happy ending".

7. Patients are made to watch videos of terrorist prostitutes that act as suicide bombers and explode themselves once you acquire their services, spreading numerous airborne, incurable STD's.

8.Patients are made to carry around volunteer babies with stickers on their foreheads that say “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH SEX”

Well there you have it! These programs are obviously very important in the rehabilitation of the 90% male population that check themselves into rehab.

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