Stupid People that need to go: "The book is way better than the movie" guy

By Africanlegend
You have just come from watching the third installment of The Lord of the Rings, Return of the King at the movies. You have had no major incidents and you have managed to avoid stupid people. This is largely due to the fact that you didn’t have to go to work today because it’s a Saturday. The movie was exceptional and well detailed with a very expertly executed plot. You feel a sense of accomplishment for a $7 ($10 in Boston, $300 in New York) well spent on a good movie.

Suddenly, you see Matt from your office, apparently he also came to see the movie. He is all decked out in his Gandalf the Gray outfit. He is on a direct course towards you. He is on a date with the F My Life Chick. She looks like her life sucks but that’s normal. You don't have many options, so you take the only one at your disposal. There is a culdesac nearby and a ditch and you thrust yourself into the ditch and hope he does not see you. He lingers over the ditch for a few seconds, he thinks he has picked up your scent. After a few minutes, he begins to walk away. Suddenly your phone rings, and he hears your distinctive Lady Gaga, Poker face ringtone.




The book is better guy: Hey AL, what’s up man. did you see the movie. It was awesome!
AL: Yeah! It was actually exceptional (as you clean the mud from the ditch off your shirt). The ending was a bit long but it was really good!!
The book is better guy: Yeah wow, it was just like the book!
AL: I haven’t read the book.
The book is better guy: Dude, you have to read the book? (looks at you as if you are some kind of a Douchebag). Well, the book is so much better. I mean you really can’t enjoy it unless you’ve read the book.
F My Life Chick: I haven’t read it either! OH MY EFFEN G, this is the worst day of life! This is the worst date I’ve ever been on. My life SUCKS! (walks away swinging her bootie in a very angry fashion)
The book is better guy: Wait, Sarah come back…I didn’t mean……
http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=8289731573472795757&postID=1153751740645552644

Why this person is an asshole.
Yeah we get it. You spent 9 months of your life reading Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Rabbit and I spent two hours watching the movie and we both seem to have enjoyed the movie equally. The book will never be like the movie. You get to create characters and landscapes with your imagination when you read, so by default it should be a better experience for you than the movie. However, if I have opted out of 9 months of reading and actually managed to enjoy the movie, there is no need for you to be a tool and ruin it for me by insinuating my experience of joy is inferior to yours. Yes, some things were left out of the movie, but you can’t include everything in a long book in the movie. If they did, then how long do you think The Lord of the Rings would be then? No need to die of old age while watching a movie.

How to deal with this person.
This one is simple. If he mentions the book and attempts to disseminate his douchebaggery, just pretend you have read the book and you feel that the movie is way better than the book. Expressly state that in fact, you regret having ever read the book. And furthermore, you feel totally stupid for having even chosen it for your special summer reading pet project. It was recommended by your fifth grade cousin and you read it because you owed his mom a favor. That should really throw the jerk off his game.

Read More

The Anti-relationship SEX Contract

The following was written by a friend of mine several years ago while we
were both still college students. He was having 'troubles' at the time with
a few of the women he had picked up at parties...

(The anti-relationship contract -- to guarantee no strings are attached)

I, _______________________, hereby surrender all possibilities of
friendship, commitment, marriage, guilt-trips and near-pregnancies in
exchange for one (1) night of USDA approved fondling and fornication.
I will not return to the scene of said activities, nor call, write or
otherwise contact/harass or vex said co-signer of contract for a time
of no less than thirty (30) days and nights after said activities have
been fulfilled.  I also surrender all rights to propagate rumors,
misnomers and dirty looks in the cafeteria from myself and friends,
and will treat said co-signer with all the respect due a stranger.
I will say "hi" if we pass within ten (10) meters in a friendly,
if not neutral, tone. I will also upon completion of herefore listed
activities not leave underwear, ear rings or other insignificant yet
oh-so-valuable knick-knacks lying about or hidden somewhere in the co-
signer's abode for the sole purpose of returning to said abode and
breaking the no-contact agreement of this document.

I furthermore state that I am of sound mind and desirable body,
and will not call said co-signer by any other name than that which is his or her own,
nor reminisce on some former slime-ball/great lover who wore the same
cologne, roll-on, boxer shorts or robe. I will also pay one-half of
all laundry fees as needed after prescribed activity.

From: SEX CONTRACT: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/90q4/onenight.html

Read More

The Non-Racist Table of Mankind

Wouldn't it just be simpler this way?

By Africanlegend

There is a reason why I am not politician. My tendency to generalize, which is for the most part offensive, is best served by making light of things and trying to be funny. If left to people like me, the world would pretty much look like the map above with an abolishment of nationalities and race and the birth of simpler systems of classification. My table below displays my ever-evolving picture of humanity.

DIFFERENT PEOPLE OF MY WORLD (the simple version)

Peoples	Characteristic
CHINESE	Includes: Vietnamese, Cambodians, Japanese, actual Chinese, Koreans etc. Any of the Asian nations that make the food that never makes you full.
BLACK PEOPLE	Rappers, gangsters, athletes. Any dark skinned people causing any media publicized chaos. White people that look or act like Emininem.
AFRICANS	Types of black people that white people are NOT afraid of. Anyone from the African continent. The “80 cents a day” children on UNICEF ads that are surrounded by a battalion of flies.
WHITE PEOPLE	Light skinned, western dwellers. Generally wealthy. Speak with a nasal sounding voice. Anyone into nature conservation, recycling, eating well and not beating their kids. All vegetarians. Anyone who has an apple product and uses the phrases “FML” or “TGIF”
EUROPEANS	Types of people that get to do things that ordinarily would be considered gay e.g male ballet dancers, men with long hair and sweet faces. White people that beat their kids. handsome tanned men and women. Women that do not shave.
MEXICANS	Just about any body that speaks Spanish or Portuguese.

Read More

How to Bag a Foreign Hottie: Pretend to be a Local Celebrity

This is sure to get you a Hot Foreigner

By Sparklingjem
By now you should have tried out the ’Helpful Local’ Play just to get acquainted with the game. Once you have successfully used it a few times you’re ready to move on to something a little more complicated; pretending to be a local celebrity.

This is a higher level play, as it involves a small investment and the help of some friends. The upside is that many local celebrities in South Africa are unknown to the rest of the world and you can be more selective about the type of foreigner you play for.

You will need:
A celebrity outfit
A posse of friends
Assorted crazed fans (You can use additional friends who owe you favors, younger siblings or fan crowds bought off ebay.)
2 or more large body guards (preferably tall, black and oiled, complete with earpieces, walkie talkies and machine guns. Also available off ebay)

Put on your celebrity outfit. This should be as outrageous as possible. Most celebrities will wear anything as long as it costs enough. Make sure it has an ostentatious label on the outside to show that it’s very fashionable.

Choose a good hunting spot that is sure to be packed with foreigners looking for a good time, but not one that is likely to have any real celebrities to steal your moment. Set yourself up at a table with your posse of friends. Buy a lot of drinks and have a great time.

‘Deluxe Edition’ body guards available on ebay

Add the crazed fans. When you see someone you like, they should rush over to you screaming, insist on having photo's taken with you and beg you to sign intimate body parts. After 5 minutes have your large body guards remove them with force. For added interest they can beat up one of the crazed fans, choose the friend you like the least. When they leave, carry on for about 5 minutes then go to the bar to get another round of drinks.

Make eye contact, he will do the rest.

Read More

How to win arguments with women: (Tip 2) Use CHEAP SHOTS!

By Africanlegend
I know people might read this and consider this advice to be unethical. The correct etiquette in life dictates that one should fight fairly and morally or not fight at all. If you subscribe to such a tenet, prepare for women to rip you to shreds with cheap shots that will attack your well being like a carefully targeted scud missile.
Cheap shots do not have to follow a logical pattern, they just have to disorientate your opponent and silence them so you can win. You may be arguing about what milk to buy, and then you may suddenly get hit with a barrage of insults about your erectile dysfunction, inadequacies in the sack and the time you urinated on yourself in the park when a rabid poodle attacked you. While you are confused, she will then nail you with a killer blow.

So if you are not prepared to use cheap shots, you will not win any arguments. Remember, you want to disorientate her, not piss her off. If you simply point out random deficiencies that she has: A) you are being a bit of a d-bag or B) I can tell you from personal experience, which includes several bruises and a public beat down, that women cannot take the same sort of insults they dish out. So when you execute a cheap shot, be very delicate and caring about it. Here are a few cheap shot topics that might work:

1. Why her past relationships failed (great one!).
2. Weight (causes permanent damage so NOT recommended unless you are desperate!).
3. Why your Ex was better.
4. How boys don’t take her seriously, they just look at her boobs (In rare situations this may be taken as a compliment).
5. Women belong in the kitchen/bedroom.
6. Her age (can result in the aforementioned public beating).
7. Average female salaries compared with male salaries.

Remember cheap shot must be executed with care so as not to hurt her but to disorientate her.

How NOT use a cheap shot.
You know, the reason nobody listens to you is that you are too fat and useless 
OR
This kind of behavior is why we should not have female presidents.

How to CORRECTLY use a cheap shot.
We should really stop arguing like this. It’s not healthy at all. I really don’t want to end up fed up of you and  have to leave you like all the other guys you’ve been with. I care about you.

Disclaimer: If you get in any trouble after following this advice, Africanlegend will not be held accountable for the repercussions that follow. If fact you should deny knowing me or having ever read stuff-about.com. In the event, your tormenter finds out about this article, I reserve the right to completely deny knowing you and will be forced remove this article in its entirety for my own protection.

Read More

USA WORLD CUP Victory sparks global upheaval!

By Africanlegend.
For years the US has claimed to be a world superpower. While not entirely untrue, the world always reveled in the fact that despite having the largest nuclear weapons stockade and economy, the US sucked big time at soccer. After Landon Donovan fired home the lone US goal against Algeria and sent the US into the second round of the World Cup, a small spike of interest in soccer has been detected among Americans causing a deep concern amongst foreign countries.

Within an hour of the game's conclusion, all the other world leaders met for an emergency skype group chat to discuss the consequences of the US enjoying soccer. Most of the respectable countries were represented at the meeting except the French.

Apparently, the French minister of sports had an argument with the head of the French Football Association during which he stripped himself of his suit and threw it to the ground before storming off in a violent rage. Then during an emergency parliamentary meeting held in the early hours of the morning to discuss the state of French soccer, the French ambassador to the US was sent home for calling the Vice President a son of 6 whores under his breath.

Conclusion of the emergency Skype meeting: The rest of the world will have to find another sport to play exclusively that the Americans suck at. 

The Candidates and why:

CRICKET

• Americans have baseball.
  
• The ball bounces and that makes it too confusing.
  
• You use a flat, disfigured bat that looks like a corporal punishment tool in a catholic school,
  
• You only get one bat?
  
• There is less opportunity for violence (no charging the pitcher and no outbursts of rage or ejections)
  
• There is no huge glove to help you catch the ball.
  
• It would be considered a pussy sport because of the mandatory tea break at 4:30pm.
  
• Using steroids doesn't make as much sense in fact; it doesn’t help in any way at all.
  

RUGBY

• Americans have football,
  
• Rugby requires a lot of running and very little subbing which is like sprinkling an anti-American pesticide on the game.
  
• Players play offense AND defense. It's too much work.
  
• Less opportunity for buffoon-like behavior. If you tackle a player the game will not stop so you can gyrate and jump around like an intoxicated buffoon on speed. The player you tackle has the option to get up and continue running. Buffoonery remains a huge part of US sport.
  
• There are no pads to protect players and people's mothers will freak out.
  

Read More

How to bag a Foreign Hottie this World Cup Season.

By Sparklingjem.

These poor boys are here in our dangerous country. They may need your help.

I bought a magazine because one of the cover articles was about how to bag a foreign hottie. I opened it to find the article was merely a number of cheesy pick up lines translated into various foreign languages. I don’t think that’s very helpful at all. If you were going to use cheesy pick up lines, I reckon it’s far better to say them in English and hope that the bewildered foreigner understands what you are trying to say and if not, at least that they get the gist of what you are saying. With all that in mind, I thought I’d give a bit more of a constructive guide on how to find a foreign hunk this World Cup season.

1. The “Helpful Local” tactic.
This is definitely the best and most user friendly play. Especially if you’re already a local. It requires no set up and you can do it on your own. All you need is a foreigner who looks lost or stupid and they are everywhere. Walk up to them in a relaxed clam manner with a very welcoming smile as tourists are easily spooked. Make sure they can see your hands at all times and don’t make any sudden or aggressive movements or they may ascend into a panic. Finally, offer them assistance. Remember your solicitation is simply a mask for your true intention; to lasso that hunk like little calf at the Rodeo.

Example A
You: Hi, you look lost. Can I help you?
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: Umm…Yes I’m looking for the Exotic Bird Sanctuary.
You: Oh sure, let me show you. (Begin walking)
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: Thanks.
You: Are you meeting someone there?
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: Yes, my girlfriend has just flown in….

Cut him off and Abandon the JERK as soon as you get the chance. Take him to the end of the street and direct him from there (to the wrong place if you feel extra scornful).

Example B
You: Hi, you look lost. Can I help you?
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: Umm…Yes I’m looking for the Cambodian Snake Pit.
You: Oh sure, let me show you. (Begin walking)
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: Thanks.
You: Are you meeting someone there?
Hot Foreigner in cute foreign accent: No, my back packers guide recommended it.
You: Ohhh is that right (smile affectionately), how are you enjoying your stay so far?

Take the long way round and keep dropping shameless hints about other places you need to show him.



COMING SOON: Pretend to be a Local Celebrity!

Read More

5 fantastic ways to make Americans enjoy Soccer!

 This is how SOCCER SHOULD LOOK if it is to stand any chance.

By Africanlegend.

1. Increase superfluous statistics….
Americans love statistics. Not important statistics like goals scored or possession, fantastically irrelevant stuff that doesn’t add anything to the game.

OHH and Spain go 1-0 down! Andy this is a very telling moment because since The Stone Age, only 3 teams have ever gone 1-0 down and come back to win! More importantly for the goal keeper, every time he has given away a goal in the first half, he has gone on to lose his girlfriend to the goal scorer. It will be interesting to see how he responds to this.

2. Add multiple breaks
Americans love being pissed off at commercials and find themselves very disoriented when they can peacefully watch an uninterrupted sports contest. They also love to record the game on their TIVO, delay it fifteen minutes and fast forward through the commercials. This is a status symbol as the lower class Americans with regular cable TV have to endure solicitations to buy stuff they don’t need during sports games. 

3 Increase Scoring
Suspense to an American is a movie genre and should be left out of sport. For the average American, it is better that both teams be constantly scoring for sports to be interesting. To help increase the scoring and help Americans enjoy soccer, the field should be cut in half and the goals made twice as large. Crippling the defense in some way is also part of American sports. It may be more enticing for them to watch if the goal keeper is handcuffed to one post, prohibited him from using his hands and a sexy girl in a two piece swim suit is placed in front of him. Until soccer scores are 17-34 or 45-67, you can be sure an American will stick to Basketball and American Football.

4. Break up the teams into Offense and Defense
The idea of formations like 4-4-2, 4-5-1 or 4-3-3 will be a deterrent to Americans. In order for them to enjoy soccer, the team needs to be broken up into offense and defense. The defense should not be allowed to score and the offense should not be allowed to defend. A  team should field 22 men, 11 on offense and 11 on defense and when the ball crosses the half way line, the ref should blow the whistle for a 30 second TV time out. Then depending on whose possession it is, the 11 players on the field should frantically run off and be replaced by their counterparts.

5. Make USA good!
Americans hate losers and no matter how well the USA play, they are almost destined to lose because of the quality of foreign teams. While there are many long term ways of improving teams, Americans will not wait long enough to see their impact if USA doesn’t start winning NOW. The best solution would be to round up every foreigner tagged for deportation and have them shoot a penalty before being shipped away. If they score, They should be sent to USA coach Bob Bradley for trials. The US team sprinkled with a few Mexicans, Guatemalans, Nigerians and the odd European who over stayed his Visa, should be able to compete at a much higher level. 

Read More

Stuff-About.com supports the AAE Initiative for the 2010 FIFA World Cup

Do it for your country.

Everyone is anxious that World Cup visitors see the best our country has to offer. Nandos leads the way with the AAE (Authentic African Experience) Initiative. This initiative is aimed at encouraging all South Africans to give the visitors the African experience they are expecting. Although the Stuff-About.com team usually prefers Educating the West, for the duration of the World Cup, we are putting aside our principles and supporting this campaign 100%. Only i-best for amavisitors.

Read More

Kim Jong Il reveals North Korea’s new plan for World Domination; Soccer!

 Pictures released of North Korea’s new soccer training facilities.

By AfricanLegend.
North Korea performed admirably against five time world champions Brazil at World Cup 2010 in South Africa, where North Korea were impressively beaten 2-1. How is it that North Korea, known to most people as a military state conspiring to manufacture nuclear weapons, managed to put together a decent team?

Following the match Kim Jong Il issued a statement in the one North Korean newspaper named “The Kim Jong Il Times” explaining North Korea’s new plan for World domination.

“It was a good performance by the soldiers, they know what is at stake. If they not win, this will be the last World Cup for them. I already have 22 replacements lined up. Failure is not acceptable!” said Kim Jong Il as he slurped down his Mocha Latte Frappuccino.

“People think all we do in North Korea is make nuclear weapons. That’s not true. We realized we not good at that. In fact we [suck]. Missiles keep falling in ocean or missing their target. Justin Beiber is very annoying so we tried to launch missile to his house but unfortunately we hit South Korea. This was not our intention and the guy that shot those missiles was executed. We decided the best plan to conquer the world was to build bad ass soccer team. To emphasize our new commitment to non-violent world domination, we have released satellite pictures to the Evil Infidels of the West (citation: Guide to Terrorist Vocab, pg 12)”

Read More

Robert Green’s World Cup 2010 Blunder explained in Dating Terms…

By Africanlegend
England Goalkeeper Robert Green, handed the USA a tie in their game against England at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, with a horrendous and highly entertaining blunder. What would be the equivalent of this humiliating moment in the dating world?

What happened?
Robert Green had an easy save to make. A ball was struck directly at him with no power. Even my little, degenerate sister Mama13 would have easily saved it. Mysteriously, he managed to screw it up and he ended up watching the ball trickle hopelessly into the back of the net.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO!!!

 Agonizingly watching Megan Fox, Beyonce and the rest of the girls drive away!

The Dating World Equivalent of this embarrassing moment……
You are on a date with Megan Fox, You rocked and she has just told you she’d gladly go home with you. Beyonce overhears your conversations, walks over and asks if she can join you. Of course you agree. Your place is within walking distance, in fact it is next door. There is surely no way you can blow this.

[Scrap that]…..

Beyonce and Megan Fox are naked in a room with you. You are so happy, you tweet about your situation. Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz and Marisol Nichols see your tweet in their timeline and also decide to show up naked.

Then Beyonce cracks a joke and you begin to laugh. The joke is so funny that eventually you laugh so hard that a trickle of urine pours out and stains your light brown pants. You try to salvage the situation by knocking over a bottle of wine on your pants. It looks like you might have escaped this embarrassment. Megan Fox believes you, but that’s just because she is the most retarded of the lot. The rest of the ladies are skeptical.

After a few minutes, they all come around and surely your dream will come true and you will be known world wide. You can see the promised land.

Then out of the blue, your phone rings. It is your ex-girlfriend who dumped you 9 months ago and decided not to ever speak to you again. She tells you for the first time that she is pregnant and about to deliver your child and you need to rush over immediately. You explain this to the ladies and have to watch agonizingly as they all walk out of the door, get into a car and drive away down a very long street into the bitter horizon.

You are left deflated and lonely. Your phone rings again and you realize you have a child and this will remind you of the day you blew it for the rest of your life. 

 YEAH IT SUCKED THAT BAD!!!!

 After the event, at home with your laptop and a tube of Vaseline

Read More

Top 5 Dangers at the World Cup in South Africa: A Westerners Guide to Staying Safe.

 One of the dangerous black people you should watch for. Don’t be fooled by the smiles and pleasant demeanor.

By AfricanLegend
1. Crime
South Africa has many large cities and with that comes the element of crime. The various particular crimes at the world cup will be radically different because the perpetrators of the crimes will be Africans. If you are a Caucasian traveling to The World Cup, be VERY wary of being robbed, beaten and killed several times during the course of the tournament. It will be relentless. We are only four days into The World Cup and the crime wave is already out of control.

“The violence started in the Johannesburg Airport on South African Airways. The flight attendants beat me up mercilessly and kidnapped my wife. Two minutes later she returned with nuts and a soft drink and said welcome to Africa.”  said a shaken up Daniel Smith from Connecticut. 

This is just the tip of the Iceberg, expect much more violence in the coming weeks.

2. Wild Animals
It goes without saying that Wild Animals will probably be one of the “Budweiser Key Factors” during the tournament. Africa hails as sanctuary to some of the most dangerous animals to have walked the earth. Big cats, snakes, Rhinos, elephants and many animals are walking the streets picking off excited soccer fans as they exit stadiums and bars. If you’ve traveled to South Africa, be wary of your surroundings or risk being part of an all you can eat buffet for animals lurking in the darkness.

The Vuvuzela ruining Africanlegend’s life

3. The Vuvuzela!
Dancing and having a fun with a bunch of Africans can have serious consequences. In South Africa, festivities include playing the Vuvuzela, a highly addictive, plastic horn which you can hear blown constantly during games. If you play a Vuvuzela, chances are you will fall pray to its addictive nature. You will feel inclined to play it everywhere and this will lead to reduced productivity at work and the collapse of all your relationships. You may end up a lonely shell of yourself in a dark room, sitting in the corner in a puddle of your own tears blowing a depressing note on your Vuvuzela.

4. Car Accidents
South Africa has many car accidents. Car accident rates are 6 times greater than The United Kingdom. If you decide to travel between stadiums by car, as soon as you enter the car it will burst into flames and explode. Then another car will hit it. After Only 4 days, 89% of the foreigners that have traveled to The World Cup have been involved in car accidents. It is projected that by the semi finals, there will only be 11 to 13 fans left to enjoy the games. If you plan to travel, walk! It may take you a few weeks to get from stadium to stadium but it is much better than stepping in a South African Vehicle.

5. Black People!
Black people are pretty much responsible for all of the above. Not only are there significantly more black people than a westerner may be accustomed to, they also own the country. The blacks have placed themselves in all levels of government. Don’t be fooled by the stereo type that African black people are calm and laid back. These are the savage ancestors of the hip-hopping, drug consuming, rapping, basket ball playing African Americans. So if you don’t follow any other piece of advice we have offered you, just avoid large groups of black people, even if they appear to be singing and dancing.

Read More

How To Survive a Virtual Reality (Step 1): Add Action

This guy could be controlling your world.

By Sparklingjem
I recently read an article about the theory of an oxford professor. He believes that there is 20% chance we are living in a virtual reality world created by our distant descendants. That means 20% chance our world is created and controlled by some idiot in the year 2578. I can see him sitting on his sci-fi designer couch eating genetically modified popcorn which probably grows ready flavoured and in fun(garish) fizzy drink colours. Or some pimple faced adolescent who can at any moment end our existence if he gets bored. In the article theorists suggested ways in which to prolong your life and possible simulated afterlife. One suggestion was trying to live by the moral codes of your controller. Considering the most popular thing to do in Sims is kill your people, by drowning, fire or deleting the doors of a room so they starve to death, I’m more inclined to follow Robin Hanson. He suggests you should be as entertaining as possible. So here are tips on how to survive our virtual reality world.

Tip 1: Add Action
People love watching exciting action sequences. With very little at your disposal even a physical fight will create excitement and entertainment value. If you want to step up from that, the simplest option is a car chase. There are millions of cars in the world and chances are you own one or can (relatively) easily steal one. Stealing one is in fact a far better entertainment value option. If you want to get really high tech, aircraft chases, high speed shoot outs and full scale battles all have potential

COMING SOON. STEP 2 THE LOVE TRIANGLE

Read More

Coin stacking for fun

 

  "Stacking pennies instead of studying for exams!"

Umm… I think they missed the point of procrastination.

 

These pictures are from a website devoted to coin stacking. It includes pictures of coin stacks from amateurs around the world as well as stacks built by professionals and tutorials for basic coin stacks for the web surfer at home. You may think this is just a simple hobby site but it is far more than that.

 

 

In fact this website is a beacon of light in our darkened world. Here is proof that there are people who are not sitting on their computers all day blowing up simulations of their friends, numbing their brains with mindless television or shooting each other in parking lots while high on crack. We can now all rest easy about the fate of our society.

Read More

What the Fo is FOMO

By Sparklingjem

What Exactly did you think you’d be missing out on?

I was listening to the radio the other day (always a mistake) and some guy came on to tell the world about his problem. He has been to 172 different psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists, councillors and therapists. None of them can help him.
He has FOMO. "Fear Of Missing Out!??!!"

He can’t stop buying into new fads and when he does he decks himself out. He has done biking, motocross, snowboarding, model trains, The Twilight Saga and archery among a million other things. He has a mountain bike, an on road bike, an off road bike, skis, toboggans, skateboards, tap shoes, origami paper, books on flower arranging and 2074 miles of miniature train track somewhere in the heaps of clutter in the 22 room mansion he had to buy to house it all. His wife is threatening to leave him since he turned her swimming pool into a shark tank and blew up their basement with his Extreme Science Kit for ages 13 - 17. He has been to every type of therapy under the sun including art therapy, hypnotherapy, electric shock treatment and some strange Japanese therapy where they beat you until you’re unconscious and prod you with burning irons while they chant at you.

I feel for this guy, he is clearly suffering unnecessarily because he has been misdiagnosed. He does not have FOMO, he has TMFM. TOO MUCH F@&%ING MONEY. There is a simple solution for it too. Give it away. Give it to someone who needs it or even just give it to someone who will stop spending it on rubbish and whining about it. Most importantly, don’t let him on air ever again.

Read More

Help! My girlfriend is trying to Kill me!: “Ask A Legend” Advice Column.

Dear Dr Legend,
I write this to you with a heavy heart. I think my girlfriend of four years is trying to kill me. We usually have a really great time together and she tells me she loves me but sometimes we have outrageous fights and she gets a weird, Charles Manson-like, look in her eyes. I recently found an invoice with a rifle, a knife, a rope and duck tape among the items purchased. She says she bought them because she and her BFF are taking up hunting. Problem is, she whimpers at the very sight of a cockroach so I can hardly imagine her hunting a Moose. Besides, we live in Chicago and the only things to hunt around here are corrupt politicians. I also woke up the other night and she was wide awake looming over me, watching me sleep in the darkness of the night.

Do I have anything to worry about or does my girlfriend really want to kill me? Please help!

Dave.



Dear Dave,
I have great news for you! Your girlfriend most certainly loves you! This is very clear from your letter. The bad new is that in addition to loving you, she most definitely wants to kill. If she didn’t love you, she’d just leave. She has obviously invested a lot of her time into changing you for the better and it must have failed miserably. Leaving you to another woman is not a comfortable option for her so she has opted to kill you instead. There is a reason why the prime suspect in a murder investigation is always the spouse.

Look on the bright side, at least you know what’s coming. You’ll either be shot mercilessly or stabbed brutally. Don’t turn your back on her, always let her drive and sleep with one eye open. The thing she is doing in bed is similar to the action a Boa Constrictor does to size up its prey to gauge if it is large enough to eat it. Simply speaking, she is sizing you up. If you want to survive, do everything she says. Your own opinion may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. As extra insurance, purchase a weapon for self defense and let her know that you have taken all the sex tapes of you and her and put them in a secure location. Inform her that the tapes will be released to a massively syndicated porn site should you mysteriously disappear for any reason.

Good Luck Dave! Nice hearing from you….

I don’t expect you’ll be able to follow up but if so definitely let us know how things turn out.

Dr Legend.

Got a question? Ask Dr Legend at stuffabout09@gmail.com or on Twitter (Africanlegnd)

By Africanlegend

Read More

End Boring First Dates FOREVER: Dating Reform Bill

 Stand out from the pack!!!!

By Africanlegend.

Current State of Affairs:
You call the lovely Portuguese girl you met at a Mixed Marshal Arts fight after a brawl broke out in the crowd and she punched you in the neck by mistake, ask her out to dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, followed by a movie. You bring her a dozen roses and you are looking dashing in your brand new Ed Hardy Shirt with a fire breathing dragon on the pocket. You drive her home in your shiny, sleek automobile and give her a hug before you watch her disappear through her door into her house. She says she will call you and wants to meet again. You wait for days, weeks and soon months until your cell phone grows cob webs and you die of old age. What did you do wrong?

You were boring, unimaginative and you followed the dating advice in some Dr Phil book. She was so bored because you took her on a “Dinner and a Movie” date that 456 of your predecessors have taken her on as if that was the only possible date to take a woman on.

Motion 6: Motion to outlaw boring, unimaginative dates for ever! In addition to that, this bill will afford women the right to not only refuse to go on generic dates, but to also kick any man who suggests them in the balls at least three times with no legal repercussion.

Guys, stop taking girls to that favorite restaurant of yours followed by some movie you’d never watch under any normal circumstances. Ladies, stop suggesting that new Cambodian Vegetarian place that forbids the use of knives and forks and requires you to sign a petition showing opposition to the clubbing of baby seals.

There are plenty of fun things you can do on a first date. You don’t ALWAYS have to go to dinner and a movie. Do a fun, relaxing activity. Go see a play, go ice skating, go to an art exhibition, go horseback riding, take a short boat cruise. Find something interesting that the other person might want to do so that the burden of having to be the sole entertainer during the date is reduced. That way you can both relax and have a chance to be yourselves.

Unfortunately, not everyone can be as entertaining as Africanlegend :-).

Read More

How to win arguments with women: (Tip 1) Abandon all logic.

 LEARN THIS

By Africanlegend

There are no two ways about it guys, men and women are profoundly different. Think of men and women as computers. When it comes to communication, women are born with certain functions and software that men are not. For example,

1200 MHz Enhanced Superfluous Information Storage.
16 Core, 256 channel Memory Processor.
Super XVGA Facial Expression and Body Language Recognition Software.
Hyperthreading Vocal pitch analysis.
1000GB Reality Modifier
4000 Watt Random Tear Generator.

If you do not understand these tools, you are doomed to lose arguments for the rest of your life and in the worst case scenario, be driven to OJ Simpson-like behavior. Here’s the first tip to avoid making the 8 o’clock News.

Tip 1: Abandon All Logic:
Many people say women are not logical creatures. This is misleading. I have met many logical women. Women just know that if they keep the argument in the realm of the logic, then we actually stand a chance of winning. So they call on their emotive side to fabricate scenarios and arguments that confuse men and derail them off of any logical track they were on.

The scenario will have nothing to do with the actual problem. If you looked at the beautiful girl that walked in the bar, the argument will likely be about you chewing too loudly in front of relatives, always using the microwave on high or buying fat free milk because you think she is fat. If you cling to your idea that this is a logical exercise, you may argue for three hours and end up caving in and buying her whole milk. A few days later she will scream at you, claiming you think she is so skinny that you changed from fat free milk to whole milk just to fatten her up.

Solution:
Don’t be another naive man and think you didn’t do anything wrong. You did! Just re-trace your most recent activities. Include all moments that involved other beautiful women and occasions where you promised to deliver something and failed to do so. Even if you think it is little, include it on the list of suspects. In fact, thinking something is insignificant should be also added onto the list. Only 0.34% of males ever figure out their original infraction, so if you actually figure it out, she will be so confused, yet impressed, that she will lose her way and cave in.

COMING SOON: TIP 2, Take cheap shots!

Read More

6 reasons the world DESPERATELY needs more serial killers.

By Yoshi

English not Yoshi’s first language, but I will try my best to write properly….

Yoshi had a temporary moment of sadness contemplating the connubial bliss of SparklingJem and the Justin Bieber, and wondering whether being a serial killer leads to a life of loneliness. But then, Yoshi is thinking, wait, serial killer much better and more noble lifestyle. And here is why:

Firstly, our planet is groaning under weight of far too many human beings. We are told we must conserve power, conserve water, almost everything we are asked to have less of. But the problem is not too little resources, problem is TOO MANY PEOPLE. Serial killing is noble planet saving cause. If all of us got in touch with our inner serial killer, world population would plummet, and planet would begin to recover from the pestilence of humanity.

Secondly, serial killers improve mankind. If you are at all responsible as a serial killer, you target the d-bags, the selfish ones, the stupid and thoughtless ones and those who harm the innocent. In short, you target those who richly deserve to be extinguished. In this way, serial killers act as natural selectors, improving humanity. Left to themselves, the least desirable of humanity breed faster than those who have more to offer because they often get more girls: watch the movie Idiocracy (or just watch network television).

Thirdly, serial killers are self limiting: the more successful serial killers become, the more sophisticated and intelligent the response to them. Silly careless serial killers are caught quickly. Serial killer need to be thoughtful and careful to survive.  This makes humanity improve in both physically (If you want to survive serial killer; then you better be doing some cardio!) and intellectually (everyone always thoughtful and aware if thinking that serial killer is stalking them).

Fourthly, serial killers can solve world’s relationship problems. If there were more serial killers, then relationships that didn’t work would end quickly and guilty party would be extinguished, without angst, recrimination or regret: just one last thrill for the stronger of the couple (you see, more natural selection!). By removing people that are bad at relationships from pool of available people, relationships for everyone will get better. Self help guides would gather dust on bookshelves, and the art of cooking would enter a Golden Age.

Fifthly, wars would become a thing of the past: all genuine serial killers abhor random impersonal killing that is part and parcel of war. Yoshi always takes special pleasure in “visiting” those who seek to advance war as the way to solve problems in the world. Yoshi only wish more people, even if not want to be serial killers, would politically “serial kill” the bringers of war and suffering to humanity.

Sixthly, racism would end: Yoshi assure you that we really are all the same on the inside…..really, Yoshi knows this. All people fear mystery of death in the same way, and more serial killers would bring home the futility and pointlessness of focusing on the external features of others.

So Yoshi relax now from shear effort of try to write better English, and have glass of ‘96 La Tache. Now can imagine SparklingJem and Justin: “…her quivering hand touching the throbbing string bean of his manhood, and with a husky voice he asked, “May I flick your fava bean?”

Sayonara.

Read More

Can Black People really Win game shows?

Asking a black dude such a question must be racist in some way. I am working tirelessly to figure out how he could have been able to answer such a question. I am accessing every known database of racial malcontent.

But honestly, What is the Icelandic city closest to The Eyjafjallajokull Volcano?

By Africanlegend.

Read More

Peruvian Girl Rats out illegal immigrant parents: Why we should beat our Kids.

A clear example of what can happen when parents don’t beat their kids!

 

By Africanlegend.

Seven-year-old Daisy Cuevas, became a symbol of the US immigration debate when she “innocently” placed her undocumented Peruvian parents in jeopardy by ratting them out on national TV in front of The First Lady of the United States Michelle “Bootylicious” Obama. The conversation panned out like this (See video below):

 

Daisy: My mom says that Barack Obama is taking away everybody that doesn't have papers,

Bootylicious Michelle: Well, that's something that we have to work on, right, to make sure that people can be here with the right kind of papers,"

Daisy: But my mom doesn't have papers? [rye smile and sinister cackle]

 

The TV appearance made the pigtailed, second grader a voice of the estimated 12 million immigrants living in the United States illegally and a source of pride for Peru's president. This was all part of her devious scheme to achieve Justin Bieber-like overnight fame. Consequently, her twitter account (PinkPeruPrincess) shot from 20 followers to over 2 million in just a day.

 

This is a clear example of the consequences of not beating our kids. Not beating children can lead to many forms of misbehavior and rebellion including, bad grades, profanity, diva-related behavior and public humiliation on national TV in front of famous public figures. MummyLegend was shocked by the news and issued a warning to Africanlegend, Mama13, Sahara Goddess, DaddyLegend and all of the other members of the Legend family, reminding them of the importance of decorum and appropriate behavior in public.

 

VIDEO

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Read More