Table illustrating how The SB1040 immigration laws screw YOU over!

By Africanlegend.
If you are one of the many people wondering how the controversial SB1040 Immigration laws might screw you over, I have prepared a table that you may reference at your leisure. It graphically illustrates exactly how screwed over you are and any relevant advice pertaining to that.

You can thank me later!

White People	No major problems. You can continue being friends with all the cops and go to bowling, sudoku and bingo Nights with them. If you have any ridiculous foreign accent i.e Irish, Australian, English, Italian, German just keep your mouth shut if you encounter police. Pretend to be deaf and use sign language.
Mexicans	Totally SCREWED. Since the law's origin is Arizona, obviously you will be targeted first and foremost. I recommend you take all the cool Mexican stuff: Soccer, Burritos and Univision and trek back to Mexico where you can live in peace.
Latinos/Hawaiians/Indians	See Mexicans….
Africans	Moderately Screwed. You have a funny accent and dark skin meaning you are at risk. While not specifically targeted by the law, you will be inconvenienced by it. In any event, you are black so continue to expect misadventures with police. You will still fit “THE DESCRIPTION” of your neighborhood liquor store thief.
Asians	Incidentally Screwed: Arizona is sunny all year. You may be sufficiently tanned enough to be mistaken for a Latino. If this happens you are screwed. Don’t be surprised to find yourself deported and dumped in Mexico before anyone realizes you are actually Asian, legal and/or a citizen of the United States.
Native Americas	Perpetually Screwed: For you to be screwed over anymore is mathematically impossible.

Read More

Escaped Tiger wreaking havoc in South Africa!

What you will see precisely before you are eaten.

By Sparklingjem

I was listening to the radio yesterday when I had to stop what I was doing for a few seconds. I stood transfixed and flabbergasted as the news anchor reported that a tiger was on the loose somewhere in Johannesburg. Apparently, the tiger had managed to open the back of a van and abscond while it was being driven by its owner to a veterinary clinic in the town of Springs, east of Johannesburg.

It took me only a few moments to decide what this was. An April Fools joke on African Time. People from Africa are notoriously late for everything and often show up hours or weeks after the time that they are expected to arrive. A 3 month late April fools prank while certainly not out of the realms of possibility, was certainly not very likely.

This morning I turned on that radio and I heard it again! A repeat of the tiger warning, adding this time that the tiger is especially dangerous as he is not used to sleeping outside at night and didn’t have his regular dinner of fried chicken and chips (guess this meant the tiger is probably black).

I decided they were merely overplaying a successful joke and switched to another radio station where I heard the SAME story. This ruled out some sort of prank because there was no way a rival radio station would carry the same story? The report was now beginning to sound like a plot stolen from a Die Hard movie because now the tiger was avoiding detection by satellite and evading capture (never using debit or credit cards, always paying in cash of course). Then I saw the story headline on TV when I got home. I was confused. It was time I took extreme measures to verify the story. SO I GOOGLED IT!

After several painful minutes of rampant Googling, I was forced to accept that there really was a tiger loose in the middle of a city in Africa. So for all our South African readers, if you see Panjo the tiger, please DO NOT approach him. He may be very dangerous. Contact your nearest SAPS station and report the sighting immediately.

Read the article here

Read More

How to win arguments with women: (Tip 4) Compare her unfavorably with another girl

By: Africanlegnd
There are a few mysteries on this planet. We don't quite know why people yawn, who built the artifacts at Stonehenge or if OJ did it and just happened to own a bloody glove. What we do know for a fact is that women hate other women. Unlike in most species, where males tend to be unable to coexist peacefully, it seems the female human being is especially unappreciative of her female counterparts. An innocent girl that walks in the room with a well tailored, respectable outfit can very quickly become that bitchy, slutty girl with her boobs hanging out to her fellow female counterparts. Let me illustrate my point. Here is a snippet of a real convo I had recently.

Al: Where's your BFF Jenn?

Girl: Oh gosh no, she isn't my best friend....

Al: Yeah but you guys chill all the time and she told me you were best friends.

Girl: I mean, yeah we hang out, but she just pisses me off. She tries to steal guys that hit on me and stuff. Like in the bar the other night when that guy tried to talk to me then she just jumped in the way and stuck her ass out and he left.

Al: Hmm, does she do this all the time?

Girl: Pretty much.

Al: Then you should probably just stop hanging out with her instead of complaining all the time.

Girl: See that's the problem with you Isaac, you just don't listen. It's not that simple. This is why you'll be single for the rest of your life and no one will ever want you!

Al: Jeez I was just trying to help??

If men want to win arguments, they have to use this fundamental flaw to their advantage. If you are arguing with a woman, start comparing her with other women and she is guaranteed to get so pissed off that it will derail her train of thought. It can work one of two ways. You can:

A)Compare her unfavorably with a great girl that she dislikes eg. "You are being unreasonable, Sarah would NEVER do this."

Or

B) You can liken her to a terrible, shameful woman that she has previously complained about eg. "You know you are behaving just like that bitchy Land Lady of yours!" Either way, she will likely get so annoyed that she will even forget what you are arguing about.

In example A, she will get annoyed and tell you that if you think Sarah is so great then you should date her and example B, it might be worth while to expect some kind of strike to the neck or groin.

Either way, you can quickly accuse her of being unreasonable and walk off.

Read More

3 ridiculous excuses to end a bad date that might work.

By Africanlegend.

Being on a bad date is a bit like water torture. You feel like you're slowly suffocating and all you want is for it to be over. If you schedule a long complex date, bailing out gracefully becomes tougher. That is why on a first date, it makes sense to do something that gives you plenty of opportunities to escape if things go sour. Regardless, one thing you will need to do is a bit of acting because the most important thing you'll need to do is sell it....

1. Pretend you are a covert spy that has just blown their cover.

Start anxiously looking around, clasp your hands together, lean in and say, "I think my cover is blown. You need to get out of here now. You can't go home, that's the first place they'll look. Rent a motel in CASH so as to avoid being traced; sit there, and wait for me. Stay away from the windows and don't order room service!" Then run off and punch a waiter in the face on the way out to add credibility to your story.

2. Cat emergency.

This is a good one for ladies since they are more likely to make many mundane references to things their cat has done during the course of the week (that nobody is interested in). Tell your date you just got a text from your neighbor claiming that they witnessed suspicious behavior from your cat who was collecting a series of ingredients, suggesting it was attempting to bake a chocolate almond cake. They deemed it necessary to contact you once they saw it turn up the oven to 480 degrees. Finally, get up and say, "I thought I told it to bake the cake on 350, it will ruin everything!!" Conclude by storming out.

3. Align yourself with Terrorism.

If it is going really bad and you are desperate, nothing will turn your date off more than you aligning yourself with terroristic activity. Mention that you have a 6"9 uncle that lives in the caves in Afghanistan and that you send him money every month to help run his kidney dialysis machine. Then, tell your date what you'd have done differently if you did the 911 hijacking. Finally, get up and say you have to deliver a backpack to an unknown location on the 9:15pm Number 1 MBTA Bus. Whilst there is almost 100% certainty that you will be arrested, beaten and possibly killed, at least you will end your awful date.

Read More

Reverse Racism Mathematically Defined!

By Africanlegend
Currently Reverse Racism is defined as the act of racism against a majority group (typically used in context of white people). However, this definition is too primitive and uneducated. Let us briefly explore the concept by breaking down the phrase REVERSE RACISM.

REVERSE: A change to an opposite position, condition, or direction.

RACISM: Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

We shall consider racism as a vector, meaning it must have a magnitude and direction. In doing so, we can conclude that Reverse Racism must be racism of equal magnitude but in the opposite direction. Observe the diagram below.


From the diagram, we can see that the black stick figure can be called the RACIST (R+) because he is responsible for A, the initial racist stream by calling the white stick figure a Turkey Eating Cracker.

Then the white stick figure became incensed, took the initial racial stream and sent it back to his aggressor in the opposite direction (B), with equal magnitude making him the REVERSE RACIST (R-).

Note: If the insults are not equal in magnitude, the individual with the racial comment with the greatest scale value shall be deemed the RACIST and the other the REVERSE RACIST.

Hmmmmmm........or maybe they are both just RACIST!??

Read More

How to survive a Virtual Reality: Extra Marital affairs

Well at least you're still alive

By Sparklingjem.

Scientists believe there is a 1/5 chance we are living in a virtual reality created and controlled by our descendants. Most likely a greasy haired teenager who does nothing all day except play a very advanced version of Sims. For the purposes of this article let’s call him Bob. In case this is all true, you will need to be as entertaining as possible to ensure your survival lest you be "Ctrl Alt Deleted" permanently.

Extra marital affairs are entertaining because they give you the opportunity to use dramatic tension. Dramatic tension means simply that the controller and all the people watching (Bob, all his adolescent loser friends, possibly his mother and most likely his sexbot girlfriend) are aware of something that the character/s are not.

For instance, if you are having a secret affair there is dramatic irony because Bob knows about it but your wife does not. When she finds out and hires a Private Investigator to give her proof, there is still plenty of dramatic irony because now YOU are in the dark; until she cuts up all your favorite underwear, puts a pick ax through the engine of your Audi and fire bombs your office.

I guess she got my note about only wanting the car.

No matter how it plays out, there is always tension and intrigue, double lives, sex, lies and heartbreak. This is exactly what you need in order to keep Bob entertained and escape the fate of the "Ctrl Alt Delete" guillotine.

Read More

A Letter from The Dumbest Teacher in the WORLD!!

By Africanlegend
Stupidity comes in many shapes and forms. Teachers have long demanded more pay for their tireless efforts to educate and nourish the "leaders of tomorrow". Rightfully so, but this particular story sets teachers back further than OJ Simpson set black people back in 1994.

All we can tell from this letter is that it must be a school in Connecticut where all adults are right, children are robots and the streets are paved with chocolate.

Feast your eyes on the DUMBEST TEACHER IN THE HISTORY OF MAN and APE-KIND.


N.B In case you were one of the members of Mr Hilliker's class, 1mile = 1.6 km, meaning a mile is indeed a greater distance than a kilometer. If you don't believe me, you should know better than to challenge authority!

Read More

A Mother-in-law's Wedding Invitation.

A Semi-Real conversation I once had with my mom.

Africanlegend: Mom, you may have to accept the possibility that I might bring a white girl home.

MamaLegend collapses and has to be resuscitated with Ammonium Salts and an industrial grade defibrillator.

MamaLegend: Isaac, what is giving you such ideas? You need to marry a Zambian girl.

Africanlegend: What if I don't end up with one? I mean it is not me who took myself to private schools and surrounded myself with white people. I am saying, it is a statistically highly probable outcome.

MamaLegend: Well anyway, you should just be happy. But it doesn't matter to me anyway. I am not going to like any girl that comes to take my only son away like a thief.

I am not saying "explicitly" that MamaLegend would prepare a wedding invitation like this one because I'm scared of her, but I wouldn't exactly be surprised either HAHA!

Read More

Help: The Airline tried to starve me to DEATH!

By Africanlegend.
If you have flown anywhere recently, you’d know the complexities of modern air travel and all the hassles and charges. The checked baggage fees, the carry-on baggage fees, the you’re an Arab Surcharge and an assortment of other we just wanna be assholes taxes.

Maybe you tried to check your bags and found out they were too heavy and ended up being the imbecile unzipping their bag in front of everyone deciding which pair of shoes to sacrifice.

Perhaps you did everything right, only to find that all manner of hygiene related products like, deodorant, toothpaste or shampoo have been prohibited or regulated to small enough amounts that they’d prove hygienically ineffective. In turn you arrived at your destination smelling and looking like you rolled around in a pig sty before running a marathon. Amongst the plethora of things Airlines have done to make flying more aggravating, none is more inhumane than their downsizing and/or removal of refreshments and snacks on flights.

The Average Flight Snack selection includes:

A packet of 3-5 dehydrated peanuts'

A palm sized pack of assorted 100 calorie cookies, raisins, wafers

A shot of of Soda/juice or water

A napkin with a picture of the US on it which if you are VERY desperate is also edible.

If the flight is over 2 hours multiply the above by 2 and add some rustic coffee to the mix.

"Typically enough snacks to feed the whole of the economy class for 3 days if rationed out wisely.

I went to pick up my friend at the airport last week. She had been on a 4 hour flight from California. I am sure she may have been happy to see me, but I doubt she had the caloric energy stored in her body to fein any type of excitement. Her moribund, unfed, corpse practically collapsed at baggage claim. With the use of Ammonium Salts and a tazer, I managed to resuscitate her before she begged to be taken anywhere to eat including McDonalds! The starvation and denial of nourishment had driven a girl who shops in Wholefoods (or any other hipster orientated health-crazed franchise) and eats low calorie, low sodium, fat free, organic, all natural, made by a hippie, Greek Yogurt into the dungeons of nutritional iniquity that is McDonalds. I watched with mild amusement as she ravenously devoured the Big Mac until there was not even a scrap or crumb on her plate. She sat quietly for a 30 seconds before she reported that never has a Big Mac hit the spot than it did the day the Airlines tried to starve her to death.

Dear Airlines, When you end up starving someone to death and their relatives sue you for all you have, I can guarantee you, I will laugh my butt off all the way through customs.

Read More

South African Vuvuzelas save the Gulf of Mexico.

For the first time in history, protesters actually managed to do something for the environment. Oh wait is that a Vuvuzela!

by Sparklinglegend.

The World Cup was a chance for South Africans to share the beauty of their country with the rest of the world. Most South Africans were anxious to show visitors that their country was not just one of guns and violence. While it was proven that you can be in South Africa for at least a month without being raped or pillaged, the show of peace was large upstaged by the vehement protest to the Vuvuzela, the now legendary horn that produced the bee swarm sounding backdrop to each game. How could we have known that the Vuvuzela would lead to the end of the worst environmental disaster the world has ever seen?

On Tuesday, protesters collected outside BP head quarters blowing the iconic South African horns en mass. This proved to be all BP needed to get them to act decisively. Later in the week the company announced they had managed to stem the flow of oil into the Gulf of Mexico bringing the environmental catastrophe to an end. This in turn, signaled the end of silent and ineffective protest to the heroic horn around the world . We now know that if you want something fixed, all you need to do is blow a Vuvuzela.

Read More

Sonnet of a Big, Black Dude ( A Nigger's Sonnet)

Blackweaties: A happy, well adjusted, non-rapping black dude...

By Africanlegend

Name is Demarcus, I'd like to share my turbulent tale,

A dark skinned man of mystery in college, ever so washed and white,

Reading books, taking walks, lifting weights but not in jail.

I'm a big, athletic black dude and that's my only plight.

A hug, a hand shake, an invite to dine and dinner.

They talk and smile, they claim to see nothing, to see no race.

They buy Mr. Blackie a drink, makes them a saint not a sinner.

I'm a friendly, acceptable black dude, they speak to me, they tell it to my face.

A verse, a line, a sonnet, it's poetry not rap.

No hip-hopping, no basketball, just tennis and The Fray.

No Free-styling or gangs, no beef, no selling crack.

I'm a differrent kind of black dude, that's what they say.

I can read and write, I love it so.

I speak well, I say sir, maam, please and thank you, but never nigger,

Yet they think all I do is hit the jumper or make the free throw.

He's a well adjusted black dude let him in, he won't pull the trigger.

Black male, between 0 and 6 feet, I fit the description.

Saturday night, in a library reading tales of Odyssus and Ancient Greek depictions,

but the college security guards still lurk with suspicion.

I'm a black dude that wants wisdom and knowledge, one of my many addictions.

I am scary, I make the white girls jump, jolt and jitter,

They fear my big pecks, school bag, my apple mac, my curse.

In the middle of campus, the fear in the eyes, the tears on their glitter,

he's a black criminal disguised as a student, let me clutch my purse.

They are trashing, screaming and drinking.

Drunk men hola and dance to the wretched tune of rufee filled beer.

Fighting, spitting, kicking and scratching, no thought, no thinking.

But they are distinguished, learned, decent white dudes, nothing to hide, nothing to fear

Dedicated to Blackweaties

Read More

Dating "Must Nots:" Must-not have B.O!

Dedicated to the man pretending to read the paper on the train.

By Freya E.

On Monday morning, through some miracle of God, I arrived at the train station 10 minutes early. I wasn't feeling great (note to readers: Sunday night cocktail hour is not always the greatest idea. Ok more like Sunday night 3 hour cocktail extravaganza). I leaned against the wall and stared blankly at the pages of a book when I heard the all too familiar crackle of the intercom system. I was immediately filled with dread as I heard the words no commuter wants to hear:

"Due to a disabled train, we are experiencing delays. We are sorry for the inconvenience." ~ we hope you all die in the process (Ok minus the last part.)

I wiped my brow and looked around at the exasperated faces of my fellow commuters. It was atrociously hot, my nausea was getting aggravated by the humidity, I was late for work and along with my fellow commuters, quite sweaty. Not the good, sexy kind of sweaty either, the kind that tests the limits of your antiperspirant.

About twenty minutes later, a crowded train arrived. The doors opened. I could feel the air of the temperature controlled car spill out onto the platform. I stepped inside and made my way to the back of the train relieved to be in a cool environment.

A respite...THANK GOD, ALLAH, BUDDAH or any member of "Team GOD".......

Unfortunately, my relief was premature because I ended up being forced into a corner compressed directly into the armpit of a man who had serious B.O which he had obviously tried masterfully to mask with an overwhelming amount of cheap cologne.

I tried not breathing through my nose but then I could taste his bad smell. I felt my stomach turn. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine I was in my peaceful place but the B.O seemed pungent enough to permeate even the depths of my imagination. The train came to a halt at the next stop, I tried to move away from him, but it was too crowded and I was pushed back into his armpit, almost like school girl thrust back into a circle in a school yard fight! It was relentless and eventually I made the decision to bail out at the next stop, Yes it was two blocks further from my work place and I was already late, but it was a fair trade off for clean air and peace of mind. It was better than suffering a man that smelled like B.O, old spice, and had I stayed on the train any longer, vomit.

Dear Mr. B.O Assassin,

Thank you for reminding me of another "Must Not," one I thought was obvious but forgot that sometimes folks lack common sense and decency.

Read More

Stupid People that need to go: The "Google Me" guy

Seriously just Google me, you'll find out

By Sparklingjem.

You've just had a long day at the office. You can’t wait to unwind over a couple of drinks with your BFF. You get to the bar, sit down together and order a couple of cosmo’s. She starts telling you the funniest story she read on Fmylife about this girl who went to watch Harry Potter without reading the book first and how it ruined her life permanently. A couple of guys come over and ask if they can join you. They look harmless enough, so you say yes. It is not long before they decide to be "Alpha Males" and totally dominate your conversation by asking you questions and then answering them on your behalf. One of them starts rambling on about how he earned his first million when he was 16 with a successful dot com business. He continues by gloating about how he worked as a UNICEF volunteer in Sierra Leone helping civil war victims, taking only the occasional vacation to Rwanda to help rebuild the homes of genocide victims. Your eyes glaze over as you plan your escape. Suddenly he whips out his iphone, thrusts it in your face and says “You don't believe me? Google me”

Why this person has got to go. Are you kidding me? You don’t need to thrust your iPhone in my face just because you think I don’t believe you saved an entire village from four vicious lions with a can opener, wearing nothing but a loin cloth. I don’t, but that's beside the point. Now I am forced to act impressed while thinking you are a total narcissistic, egomaniacle jerk. BTW it's not ok if your wing man does it either.

How to deal with this person. There is no way to deal with this guy fairly he is obviously insecure. If you tell him he is a jerk, he will likely break down and cry, then you will look like the jerk. You have to make him feel uncomfortable enough to the point where he has no choice but to leave. If you are in public, proceed to tell everyone you can that he is famous. He may be flattered at first, but by the time the 11th waiter has smiled politely then rolled their eyes he will begin to feel excruciatingly uncomfortable. When you manage to force the people next to you to move just to avoid hearing his life story, he will be forced to get up an leave. Mission accomplished!

Read More

Passion of the Douchebag: The Mel Gibson Rant

By Africanlegend
Mel Gibson being a douchebag again? I am not surprised. Granted, down with fake boobs, but he packages his argument with pretty impressive rhetoric that I must distance myself from. This does seem like a set up though because that is the calmest response from a RUSSIAN WOMAN that I've EVER heard. I am sure my female Russian friends will agree with me on that.


What we learned from this rant...
1) Mel Gibson is a Dbag. (known fact, similar to the fact that we breathe air)
2) "Niggers" move in packs as opposed to in a school, a pride, or a troop like monkeys! (Listen to the rant you'll see what I mean.)


FOR THE FEINT-HEARTED...

MEL GIBSON UNCUTT...

Read More

Final World Cup Violence Report!

By Africanlegend
The Media predicted a blitzkrieg of AIDS, violence, kidnapping and beatings during World Cup 2010. And the African savages did not disappoint. This World Cup was full of dangers and for anyone, just to escape the region alive should be considered a tournament victory of it’s own.

The official Heineken World Cup Crime Report.

Kidnappings
Kidnappings were up 678% from the last World Cup. In fact, Andreas Iniesta, who led Spain to victory in the final, was reported as kidnapped two days before kickoff. Iniesta was eventually rescued by Caucasian freedom fighters who claimed to have found him being water boarded while naked. Thankfully, the Spanish national team included diving in their training regime, which Iniesta credits as his saving grace.

Gun Violence
Everyone that attended the World Cup and wisely purchased bullet proof vests, as the media suggested, survived and lived to tell their tale, but those that did not were gunned down mercilessly at an alarming rate. Teams reported that an average of 87% of their players were either injured or reported “dead by sniper,” making this the most successful world cup for snipers since 1978.

AIDS:
As major western media outlets correctly predicted, everyone that went to South Africa has AIDS now. John Smith from the National AIDS Alliance (NAA) had this to say:

If you went to South Africa, you are a health hazard and the humane thing to do is put yourself down. The AIDS there is “Super AIDS” born of the Black African Super Monkey of Congo. If you have so much as breathed South African air or looked at a South African, you could have contracted their deadly strain of the Virus. A word of caution to all survivors, within 2-6 weeks, the virus will have you climbing on trees and barking like a baboon.

Wild Animals
Wild animals have been enjoying an "all you can eat" barbecue special this World Cup. Wild Animal deaths in the streets were the second largest killer in South Africa. Many South African stores offered tourists free guns to help protect themselves. Kat Stevenson, head of The Association for the Ethical Eating of People released a statement immediately following Spain's victory at the World Cup:

It has been a successful World Cup for wild animals particularly lions and big cats. As we promised, they only ate white people and players like Gareth Barry that would not be missed by their teams . The animals got a bonus when Messi and Ronaldo proved to be useless for their teams. We didn’t expect them to be on the menu. We do regret that Ronaldihno did not show up this World Cup, his sheer girth would have been enough food to feed 24 prides for a year and would have saved a lot of lives.

Black People
The most potent of all dangers still remains in South Africa. Once all the tourists leave, the savage ancestors of the hip-hopping, drug consuming, rapping, basket ball playing African Americans will continue to place themselves in high positions in government and spread chaos. I cracked open my fortune cookie and it gave me advice that I thought I might share with all of you.

Be very wary of singing and dancing black people especially when they are in large groups. They come bearing gifts but stealing wallets.

Read More

How to Survive a Virtual Reality: The Love Triangle = Immortality

By Sparklingjem.
Scientists believe there is a 1/5 chance we are living in a virtual reality created by our descendants. In case this is true, you will need to be as entertaining as possible to ensure your survival lest you be "Ctrl Alt Deleted" permanently.

One way to to be entertaining is to involve yourself in a robustly lascivious LOVE TRIANGLE like the one in the Twilight Saga (see picture left).

The classic love triangle may be the most effective way of surviving a virtual reality. Very similar to sport and war; it provides competition, opposing sides and an opportunity for gambling on who will win. It leads to tons of drama, cat fights, fist fights, murder plots, illegitimate children, inheritance wars and other exciting happenings that have kept millions of viewers faithfully tuning into Days of Our Lives for over 45 years.

In fact, why stop at love triangles; like the Taylor-Ridge-Brooke-Thorne/Eric affair in The Bold and the Beautiful (above center), you could just keep adding more people and create any number of complex geometric shapes. You may even manage to snag yourself a ‘Get-out-of-death-free’ card as scientists have discovered that participating in a love triangle increases your chances of immortality by 33%.

Read More

Blackness EQUALS Jail, no exceptions!: UGA Athletics Director finds out the hard way.

By Africanlegend
The Athletics director of the University of Georgia, Damon Evans, was caught by a police officer earlier this month driving under the influence of alcohol. Evans was found intoxicated in his car with a Caucasian woman that he claimed was only his friend, who just happened to have her underwear in his lap (yeah sure we’d all do that for a friend). This situation’s irony was heightened by the fact that Evans has recently been a spokesperson, speaking vehemently against drunken driving in an extensive campaign.

Evans repeatedly mentioned and used his position as athletics director to try to escape arrest. Although he had his position to his advantage, he had several things to his disadvantage. let's see an illustration of what he was dealing with.


KEY

Factor	Value assigned
BLACKNESS	-60
With a white woman	+/-40
Underwear in seat	+/-30
In the SOUTH	+/-50
ATHLETICS DIRECTOR	+120
White cop	+/- 80
DUI	-25

LET’S SEE HOW THIS WOULD PAN OUT HAD DAMON EVANS BEEN WHITE………NOTE HOW CERTAIN FACTORS CHANGE IN VALUE FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE AND VICE VERSA.



HEY I DON”T MAKE THE RULES HAHA

School will certainly NOT bail you out of illicit shenanigans but attending a good school is one of the keys to a solid future.  Walden University's online degree programs offer you a fantastic shot at the future you've always dreamed about. Visit WaldenU.edu to learn about Walden University and see if they have the right program for you....

Read More

How to win arguments with women: (Tip 3) Cite Precedent

By Africanlegend.
A girl will know what precedent means. A guy may have to look it up. In case you are the latter here is the definition:


Precedent: prec·e·dent
Any act or instance that may be used as an example in dealing with subsequent, similar instances.

Women have a memory that operates in similar fashion to the Black Box flight recorder in an airplane. It records a virtually indestructible minute by minute account of every action, sound and event that goes on. When an accident or infringement occurs, the information is processed as an accident report and filed for use later.

Men are constantly getting in trouble simply because they fail to recognize the importance of every single action and event. That is to say, a man's memory is more akin to a dog that must repeatedly punished for biting the same couch before he gets the point.

Herein, this problem presents an opportunity. Women don't expect men to have a detailed account of all their actions. This makes them sloppy and they will often contradict things and actions they have previously said or done.

So if men want to win arguments with women, they need to cite precedence. Recalling things a woman has said or done in the past will throw her off and give you the chance to finish her off while she is disorientated.

Thus the question every man asks himself is this; But how can I possibly do this? I think most things are not worth remembering!

No problem! Write a diary. It only takes a minute to jot down insignificant actions and events and by the end of it, you can put it all together however you choose and have "actionable evidence".

EXAMPLE

HEY, WELL THEY DO IT!??

Read More

4th of JULY FIASCO!!!

The content of the following conversation has not been fabricated, nor was it conceived from any deep seated comic brilliance. It actually happened. The identity of the moron has been altered for theirs and my own safety. However, their idiocy has been preserved in full.

Girl [who we shall just call Moron] approaches AL after hearing his Antonio Banderas-like tone of voice on the soccer field. She is pretty and has an amazingly high pitched voice.

Moron: You scored a great goal!

AL: Oh thanks! It’s really nothing, I score bicycle kicks almost every time I play. I have even forgotten the normal way to score (laughs in a flirtatious manner)

Moron: Oh STOP haha. What’s your name? I’m [Moron].

AL: Isaac, same as one of the three Jewish musketeers in the bible…

AL is in prime form with his flirtacious behavior and many boys on the soccer field are taking notes on their laptops.

FFWD 3 minutes

Moron: So what are you doing for 4th of July?

AL: Fireworks, food and drinks.

Moron: Oh cool! where are you from? You have an accent?

AL: Zambia, in Africa, in the south near South Africa, I'm not a refugee, I didn’t grow up in a hut and I don’t know your Kenyan friend. Just covering all my bases.

Moron: You are so silly! Oh Africa! DO YOU CELEBRATE THE 4th of JULY THERE???

AL: Well, here I do (with a confused face)

Moron: How about in Africa?

AL: Ummm, well I would see no reason for that. We have our celebrations on a different day.

Moron: Oh well you guys are wrong haha. The 4th of July is the right day?

AL: What is the 4th of July?

Moron: Oh I know this! America’s independence day!

AL: Whose?

Moron: America's!

AL: Ah AMERICA….

AL condescendingly pats Moron on the shoulder and walks away.

Moron: Douchebag!

Read More

How to Survive a Virtual Reality: Heightened Drama – The World Cup Edition

The World Cup is a girls game.

In a Virtual Reality, everything must be as exciting as possible. What makes real life boring, as we have learnt from Big Brother and Cricket, are the long periods of nothing happening. Therefore, we have to fill the voids where nothing happens with drama and excitement.

Considering the drama going on at the moment, I think we can safely assume that, if we were living in a virtual reality, this years World Cup is being played by a couple of girls. Or at the very least our futuristic adolescent creator is accepting a lot of help from his ‘Days of Our Lives’ addicted girlfriend/mother.

Here are a few reasons why. At the beginning of the year, English footballer Wayne Bridge refused to be part of the World Cup after discovering that ex-teammate and (subsequently ex) England Captain, John Terry, had an affair with his ex-girlfriend. So many ex’s in there you think it wouldn’t matter, but who can really judge heart ache (awwwww). In addition, Capello's ban of all wives and girlfriends commonly known as WAGS at the games didn't help the English 2010 World Cup campaign at all. The English team proceeded to complain of homesickness and were said to be missing their loved ones for the whole two weeks they were in South Africa.

The North Korea vs. Portugal match was the first match to ever be broadcast live in North Korea. After a 7-0 loss, we can safely expect the team to be disappear in a mysterious and tragic incident involving guns and a government official firing squad which cannot possibly be anyone’s fault.

Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan has suspended the side for two years after their poor showing. FIFA president Sepp Blatter is now threatening to suspend Nigeria for two years for government interference. Since both actions will achieve the same outcome, I fail to see the importance of his decision.

Also facing suspension for Government interference are the true winners of this years world cup, France. Les Bleus arrived at the world cup fully aware that they were unlikely to win anything involving a football, so they did the best anyone could do. They made every moment of their participation of the world cup a complex drama, succeeding even to the point where hardened football fans were sorry to see them leave for the entertainment they provided.

From the juvenile arguments between the coaches and players, to star striker Anelka being sent home prematurely and his team mates boycotting training practice, they faced their final humiliation as rumors spread that the team was downgraded to economy for the flight home after their final loss to South Africa. The French will be remembered as a huge part of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, far more so than Brazil who, though tipped to be part of the final, exited today without reaching the semi’s.

Read More

Spanish Footfairy Syndrome (SFS): Flopping and Diving in sport need to GO!

Synonyms: cheating, diving, simulation, conning, playing basketball, being Italian.

Spanish Footfairy Syndrome (SFS) is a disease that permeates the modern game of soccer and basketball. It is thought to have entered soccer when an NBA player cross bred with a native female of Spanish descent. Their offspring went on to play for Barcelona and thereafter the disease spread like a wild fire and became rampant in modern day soccer and basketball.

Spanish Footfairy Syndrome (SFS) is a condition whereby a person’s nerve receptors are worn down over time and begin to receive and transmit physical contact and pain or lack thereof, in an irregular manner. The are three deadly types of this disease.

Type 1:

The body may receive a slight touch which nerve receptors will amplify, causing the player to plummet to the ground as if they have been shot by a bullet or a lethal projectile.

Type 2:

The body may receive the slightest bit of contact anywhere on the body. The pain receptors and nerves endings then interpret the contact as a round house kick to the face regardless of where the person actually got hit.

Type 3:

This is the deadliest type of them all. It requires no contact at all. The body responds to faint sensations like gusts of wind or loud sounds. Symptoms may flair up at anytime, even while a person is in their living room, walking to their car, or brushing their teeth.

Supplemental

Many naysayers will cop out and say, “This is why we don’t watch soccer, the overzealous diving just ruins the whole watching experience. We watch tough American sports like BASKETBALL.” Truth be told, soccer players are merely trainees. NBA is really where it’s at!

Read More