5 life saving Reasons Not to Date a Vampire!

By Africanlegend
I will go out on a limb here and admit something terrible, something appalling, something unspeakable, something so horrible that it will cause you to forever see me in a different light. A light of shame and disgrace that will follow me like a dark cloud for eternity.

Ladies and gentlemen I HAVE WATCHED THE TWIGHLIGHT SAGA. All three parts! In FULL!

I will only defend myself by saying that twice it was with a woman and the third time was intended for my little sister, who sacrilegiously abandoned ship leaving me no choice but to watch it by myself to the bitter end.

That being said, I am writing this because of my little sister who is part of a growing group of misguided youth that think it a good idea to  fantasize and date vampires. If you know anything about the mythology you’d question this idea….
Here is why it is a terrible idea to date a vampire….

1. You are dinner.
Vampires can’t digest food. They feed off human blood. They can make do with animal blood, but to them that's like eating a grilled cheese sandwich off the kiddies menu. The fact is, you are their food. If they get “the munchies” and there are no other options available, you are done. Ladies why add to the anxiety of thinking every dude wants to sleep with you by adding the variable of him wanting to eat you as well? So unless you have an endless supply of friends you are willing to sacrifice every time you go to dinner, you can’t guarantee your own safety.

2. No Sunday Afternoon walks
Vampires don’t last too long in sunlight. In fact that is an understatement, they vaporize. So never mind that you will have the palest significant other in history (yes paler than even Sparklingjem) but you cannot do rudimentary things like enjoy a walk on a sunny day. You will be restricted to living in places like Alaska, Antarctica, The Arctic Circle or Boston where there is no sun for months at a time.

3. Age aint nothing but a number
Vampires are immortal barring some kind of mortal injury that involves wood, silver or a decapitation depending on the mythology you read. They also do not age as a result. So age aint nothing but a number until you are so old you can barely walk and you are sitting on your couch in a diaper containing a pool of your own feces hooked to a breathing apparatus while your husband is out shooting free throws and running marathons like a Kenyan.

4. The Man in the mirror
Vampires cannot see themselves in mirrors. This presents certain hygiene related issues so don’t be surprised if your vampire date turns up with several buggers dangling from his nose and a foreign white substance in his hair. The idea that they may have snacked on a moose on the highway before they came to see you but did not have the ability to clean the fur from their teeth may also present itself as an issue over time. 

5. Black Vampires
Have you ever noticed how few Vampires are black? If not I'll tell you. Only 1 in 23 vampires are black. Nobody knows why but it’s most likely because black peoples’ more superior athleticism, natural aversion of danger and general distrust of white people have helped them avoid being converted into vampires at as rapid a rate as their white counterparts. This is a tragedy for white suburban America where Jungle Fever has been rampantly spreading, claiming the sanity of many a white parent. So if you are into black people then vampire dating is not a high percentage dating option for you.

Read More

Gentlemen! There is officially no reason to take a piss outside...

By Africanlegend
Call it the call of the wild or some twisted need to emulate our prehistoric ancestors but men simply just have to take a piss outside on somebody else's property. Whether it be in a convenient bush, the back of a building or in some guy you don't like's left shoe, its just something dudes do. After I watched this video of a cat urinating in a toilet and then making a few very feeble attempts to flush it, I began to realize the terrible truth:

The fact that I take the occasional piss outside makes me worse than an animal......

He even left the toilet seat down....(READ: No I won't put the toilet seat down if even you didn't remember to!)

Read More

5 Brilliant ideas to make you absolutely Late for work 100% of the time...

You are late for work all the time. It’s not even that you wake up late and scramble around ultimately arriving at work in a pool of sweat and adrenalin. It's more like you wake up on time and mill around performing a ritualized sequence of absolutely unnecessary things to delay the inevitable. You think that by arriving ten minutes late, it will somehow make your job more bearable. Here are a few things you can do to make this process more effective.

1. Don’t do the dishes at night…..

You can’t very well leave the house with the sink full of dirty dishes. The alternative would be to risk coming back and finding a cesspool of bacteria with several microbes, grilling steaks and sitting on your couch watching the Netflix videos that you just got in the mail today. If you did your dishes the previous night, you would be able to get up, without having to worry about them and possibly get to work on time, but this is not the objective. Fail to do your dishes the previous night and you will be obligated to waste fifteen minutes you don’t have cleaning them in the morning and voila you’ll be late for work.

2. Disorient your room…. 


This is actually the key to procrastination. If you totally mess up your room to Apocalyptic proportions it works fantastically in many ways. Firstly, you will not be able to find anything in the chaos, and that will cause serious delays and waste precious minutes. You will be unable to find matching socks, clothing, shoes and other work related things. Secondly, as you are looking for things, you will inevitably realize that it would be easier if you just cleaned your room. Tidying up will waste those vital minutes and more importantly will ensure that you arrive fashionably late to work.

3. Misplace your Keys…..

Keys are the key! If you can’t find your car keys or house keys, you are not going anywhere. This makes losing your keys the most effective way to make you late for stuff. But how can you lose your keys on purpose? Well it just so happens that I have a great idea. You will need an appropriately disoriented room such as the one mentioned in article 2. Blindfold yourself before you go to bed, spin around ten times and toss the keys into the disaster area and proceed to sleep. You will wake up, shower, eat and consequently spend ages finding your keys. Then voila you’ll be late for work.

4. Perform some highly unnecessary grooming rituals….

If you wake up early and refreshed that gives you a lot of time to make yourself look dashing. However, this gives you room to go over the top and consequently make you run out of time. Ladies blow dry that hair and get it styled to perfection, clip your eye lashes or try on five different shades of lipstick till you find the one that matches your dress. Men shave the uni-brow, give yourself a hair cut or give yourself a shave and embellish it so that it looks like those Gillett advertisements where the guy puts a thick layer of shaving cream all over his face. Do a combination of things you have absolutely no time for and you are guaranteed to be very late for work.

5. Cook an elaborate breakfast….

A bowl of cereal, some toast or bagel and perhaps a fruit is the efficient kind of breakfast that will get you to work on time. However, this is useless to you. You need to make your breakfast more elaborate. Perhaps make it multi-course. Make things that are time consuming like pancakes from scratch, multi ingredient omelets' and high involvement foods like French Toast. If you eat meat, make sure you have the live animal that you will have to slay in the morning to make your cut of meat. If you are eating vegetables or fruits, try growing them from scratch when you wake up. In any event, making an elaborate breakfast will very effectively make you super late for work.

Read More

100 simple things we take for granted: #10 Tomatoes

#10 Tomatoes

By Sparklingjem
The world can be divided into two types of people by many things and one of those is tomatoes. Weird, I know, but I’m pretty sure it is the only fruit that can unite people in a unified voice of hatred which could rival the epic heights of even The Twilight Saga hate club. I was expressing my hatred at dinner one day when my sister, a fellow tomato hater said wisely, “Hey don’t knock tomatoes, how would you make pasta sauce.” And so I started thinking, she was right!!

Tomatoes are important!!
1.They are used in many pasta sauces, including my favorite, spaghetti bolognese.
2.They are essential in Italian cuisine, a fail safe dinner choice to impress women, either making it yourself or dining out.
3.They are an important ingredient in Bloody Mary’s (although personally I think this is a waste of good vodka)
4. They are used to make REAL tomato sauce, which is a million trillion times better than ketchup.
5.They are very like people, they come in different colors, shapes and sizes, but the supermarkets only show you the ones that fit their image of "good".
6.They have historically been used as entertainment, where people would pass time by throwing rotten tomatoes at prisoners.
7.They were also used in this manner to encourage bad actors and performers to leave the stage, to make way for something more entertaining.
8.There is now an annual tomato throwing festival in Spain which attracts over 40000 tourists every year to the small town of Bunol, general population 9000.

and MOST awesomely...

9.They have a whole website dedicated to hating them, www.tomatoesareevil.com, which gives them immediate celebrity status.

Read More

“Scientific Study Finds Men Like Looking At Breasts” and other things we already knew.

Yes, science has proven that he is definitely looking at her breasts!

By Sparklingjem.

1. Men like looking at breasts. 
Ummm.... really? You mean all those times guys were staring at my chest they weren’t trying to read my t-shirt? The outcome of this study came as no surprise to anyone. One wonders why the researchers at the University of Wellington, New Zealand, felt it was necessary to conduct this study. Were they bored? Did they need to make up research paper numbers? Did they think it would provide ground breaking information that would change the world?

I like to think that this study was actually done by aliens who took over the University of Wellington, where social illiteracy would go unnoticed. However, in order to infiltrate the rest of the world they had to learn to interact with others so they could blend in. To do this, they conducted a number of behavioural studies we would consider pointless.

2. Women prefer funny guys. 
I guess some guys didn’t get the memo on this one, but it’s pretty much common knowledge that women like guys who can make them laugh. It’s also well known that men like women who laugh at their jokes which makes it the only win-win situation men and women have ever encountered each other in, apart from reproduction.

Apparently they were actually trying to find out WHY women like funny men but failed and so they just published the fact that they do.

3. When you fall in love, you lose friends. 
Of course everyone blames their friends, but we all know that when you land in a relationship, your friendships suffer. If you’re a girl, you suddenly have a lot less time to dedicate to people outside your magical bubble of love and you turn into a starry eyed, brainless, ‘my boyfriend says’ repeating moron. If you're a guy your adorable other half will systematically get rid of all your friends (see how to be a good girlfriend)
I like to think they did this study to highlight the dangers of entering a relationship. Attractive individuals do not come with warning labels, unlike other life destroying substances such as cigarettes. They could have just read 6 Reasons to Avoid a Relationship. 

Read More

No I won't put the toilet seat down, Even you didn't remember to do so!??

By Africanlegend.
As a foreigner, it is always important to observe the culture in the country you are in, that's really the only way you get any kind of authentic experience. If you go to Mexico and all you do is stay in comfortable hotels, drink all day and go only where all the tourists  hang out, then you are being a bit a douchebag and you should have just stayed at home. Experiencing different customs helps you to appreciate cultural diversity.

One such custom I observe but have never understood, is leaving the toilet seat down if you are in a house full of ladies. Firstly, it doesn't really make any sense. Men are not expert marksmen. 35.54% of the time men miss the target and hit the toilet seat, 5% of the time they miss everything and 1.35% of the time its not even a toilet they are urinating into. If I were a lady, I'd prefer to find the toilet seat up because then I'd know that the guys urinal misadventure avoided contact with the toilet seat because it was up while he was using it and therefore can be considered relatively clean.

I know, it's just a custom and I definitely observe it as a function of being respectful to the ladies. My mother told me to always leave things as you find them. I definitely don't question my mom because I'd rather not deal with the consequences but her words make sense. In any event, I was at a girl’s house and I used her toilet. Regretfully, I forgot to put down the toilet seat. This was largely due to the fact that I found it up in the first place, so I was a little confused. As a result of this confusion, I decided to just return the bathroom to the state I found it in. I tried to go sit down on her couch and relax, but she descended from the ceiling like a ninja on a rope and slammed me against the wall:


Ninjawoman: (Boiling with a tempered rage) Ummmmm next time you use the bathroom can you leave the toilet seat down.
Persecuted man: Oh I'm sorry..
Ninjawoman: Yeah it's just that its rude to do that..
Persecuted man: Wait a minute I found it up!
Ninjawoman: No you didn't.
Persecuted man: Yes I did, actually I specifically remember thinking that something was weird.
Ninjawoman: Well I am not sure why it's like that, but you should leave it down in a house with a woman in it.
Persecuted man: Well you are the only other person in here, why didn't you put it down if it's important enough for you to be jumping from ceilings.
Ninjawoman: Well how do you know I am the only other person that has used it. What if it was another gentleman caller.
Persecuted man: Well then I think HE is to blame for all this though don't you? Why don't you text him a reprimand.
Ninjawoman: AGHH This is why you'll never get married Isaac!
Persecuted man: What?
Ninjawoman: (with clenched teeth) Isaac, its just better for you if you do exactly what is say!
Sometimes guys forget to put it down. It doesn’t necessarily mean they disrespect women. It’s a habit and if you have done it all your life it becomes a staple, but if you haven't, you may forget once in a while. I try to remember, I really do but if the girl herself doesn’t remember to put it down in her own house, I am going to assume its just not a priority to her.

SOO…..

No I won't put the toilet seat down IF you didn't even remember to do so yourself!

Read More

A Father's Wedding Toast: Fine, you can marry my white daughter but I'm watching You!!

By Yoshi
I was intrigued by AfricanLegend (AKA Isaac) fearing his mother’s reaction if he were to marry a white girl (READ “A Mother-In-Law’s Wedding Invitation”). So I thought, just imagine the father-of-the-bride's toast (after five too many Martinis):

[New father-in-law rises unsteadily to his feet, weaving gently and reading the following in a slurred voice:]

"When our little Muffy brought home Isaac for the first time, I was taken aback; she had told me he was "different", but I didn't know HOW different! Still, when he left and nothing had been taken from the house, I began to warm to him just a little bit. But then I thought of him doing "it" with my little sweet Muffy, and my blood boiled and I wanted to burn him a deeper shade of black. A quick death would have been too merciful for this despoiler of my little girl’s innocence!

Yet against my wishes, she persisted in dating him, and he kept trying to ingratiate himself to me, always smiling, cheerful, and helpful in spite of my greeting him each time I would see him with a snarled “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave without my daughter.” Gradually he grew to be like a slave to me (a position I was entirely comfortable with): I would order him to drive me around town and I felt he was almost as protective as a real bodyguard. I just knew he would take a bullet for me (especially since I paid those guys to aim at him).

Then, when he got out of the hospital after the shooting and announced that he and Muffy were getting engaged, I had to put aside my own feelings and think about Muffy’s happiness. So, even though it was really expensive, I hired Justin Bieber to try and steal her away from Isaac, but even Bieberitis would not sway her.

Then I thought, maybe it's the physical, um, you know, the black thing that gets her, so I hired these white guys to shave their heads, spend hours at the spray-on tanning salon, stuff several rolls of quarters in their jeans, and then strut around saying things like, "Yo, what up homey; you bust a cap in a brother's head or what, dawg." Can you imagine, she didn't even look at them!

I knew then that this could only be a case of that four lettered word.........COKE! Yes, that disgusting animal must have gotten MY little girl addicted to cocaine or some other drug. I immediately put her into rehab for a month, but, can you believe it? She came out mad as hell and still determined to marry this JAILBIRD! I mean, Isaac always seemed to have money, so he must be some sort of drug dealer/pimp if he’s Black, right?

But it was time to face facts, and I told my wife I was going to have to finally bury the hatchet…… in Isaac! But my wife knows me too well, and she had already hidden the axe, in the meantime inviting Isaac over for a man-to-man talk. And when he finally convinced me that he was never going to get Muffy shooting up brown and turning tricks for him, I finally relented, and here we are today!

So I raise my glass and say to all of you here today: Isaac, I am not losing a daughter, I am gaining a sometimes bodyguard/chauffeur.

 Welcome to my family, slave-in-law!”

[Father-of-the-bride slumps slowly into his seat and does not arise]

Read More

100 simple things we take for granted: #9 Mirrors

#9 Mirrors

By Africanlegend
A typical mirror is a sheet of glass that is coated on one side with aluminum or silver that produces images by reflection. The method of backing a plate of flat glass with a thin sheet of reflecting metal dates back to Venice during the 16th century but mentions of the use of copper plates and other reflective surfaces as mirrors date back to even before the Roman Empire. Present-day mirrors are made by sputtering a thin layer of molten aluminum or silver onto the back of a plate of glass in a vacuum (source).

Unless you live in some derelict part of the world or amidst a civil war or mass genocide, in which case the post is sadly impertinent to you, you have probably looked in a mirror today and will likely do so several more times during the course of the day. The most important invention mirrors are fundamental to is probably the telescope but their applications are endless and photography and early film would not have been possible with them.
That being said, the most important, yet un-appreciated purpose of a mirror is to bestow upon us the ability to see things at angles and in directions that we wouldn’t ordinarily be able to see, making them fundamental safety features in cars and other vehicles. They also help us see an image of ourselves. This is profound since the basis of social etiquette mandates that we all maintain certain minimum levels of hygiene. We need mirrors to show us how we look because people will NEVER tell us until it's way too late. There is some misplaced social taboo about telling someone that they have slobber all over their collar. People honestly just avoid telling you if they can........You can literally be walking around WITH:


1 ounce of mysterious, ill-descript white liquid dangling from your hair.
A booger swinging like vine from one nostril.
A cockroach on your cheek.
Your zipper undone, with no evidence of underwear.
To patches of perspiration, creating bull's-eye targets under your armpits.
An erupted pimple, oozing molten, bacterial lava.
Your butt crack peering out form the top of your jeans like Peeping Tom.


…..And even though you are with, four co-workers, three best friends that you’ve know since you were four years old, four sisters and big brother, your dad, your mom, your step-mom and a hygiene and social etiquette specialist with a degree form Harvard and Stanford…THEY STILL WON’T TELL YOU HAVE CRAP ALL OVER YOUR FACE UNTILL SOMEWHERE NEAR THE END OF THE NIGHT WHEN IT IS WAY TOO LATE.
I recently experienced a perfect example of this. Last night I was at wings night watching Football. I did my best to concentrate on the game but it had become an impossible proposition. This girl had sat in the corner of the room with her back to the entire room and her buttocks were sticking out of her jeans. In fact, basically they climbed out of her jeans, got up and walked around the bar and proceeded to have conversations with everyone. Every time she shifted her position it got worse as if her jeans were trying to escape. After about thirty minutes her butt crack was basically blowing a Vuvuzela in the middle of the room successfully drawing everyone's attention to it. She had come in with three people that failed to mention this to her and they didn’t appear to be strangers. We called the waiter and asked if he might find some way to politely inform her of her butt crack exposure. After a lot of deliberation with waiter, we all unanimously agreed it had been so long that it would be more embarrassing to actually let her know. So we decided to let her continue to be totally embarrassed but remain ignorant of that fact.

NB: This could all have been avoided if she just looked in a mirror.

So next time you look in the mirror, remember my story about The Butt Crack Princess and really appreciate the opportunity you have, to prevent such embarrassment, that the mirror affords you. Heck go out right now and buy a little mirror as a token of your appreciation….…

READ THE FULL LIST

Read More

Dating Must Not's: Must not Stand Up your Date!

Well I guess I'll give him 'til the end of the bottle

By Freya E.
I don't have an especially great memory, I can never remember my email password, I'm terrible with birthdays and I probably could not even tell you what area code I was in last weekend. However, things like a date not showing up I can remember in more detail than necessary.

When you get stood up, you can pretend to shake it off, but really it's a huge hit to your self esteem. You feel like the guy that designed the Titanic felt watching it sink. Standing around like an imbecile, waiting for your date to arrive, is bad enough but then you get paranoid and start to think the world is an audience to your humiliation (which they are). Even if you manage to slink away unnoticed, the moment makes its imprint on you permanently. Eventually you start developing a phobia about making plans with others for fear of being left sitting in a cafe alone, holding back tears, while eating a large piece of high calorie chocolate cake.

By now you've probably realized that there is a story here and yes, I am going to share it with you. Last month on my lunch break I ran into Shawn, a guy I went on a few dates with a while back.

Shawn: Hey... how have you been? You look great!
Me: Oh, thanks! You look good too. I've been good. What's new with you?
Shawn: Got a new job, been working out and enjoying the nice weather. Listen, I'd love to take you to dinner sometime. Are you free after work?
Me: Not today but how about Friday?
Shawn: Yeah. Friday works. I'll pick you up after work.

Thursday
9:17pm - I get a text that says, "I'll text you tomorrow when I am on my way" I reply, "cool. looking forward to it." I am assuming there is nothing ambiguous about my response.

Friday
7:45am - I wore a sexy (but classy) outfit to work and threw some sultry heels in my bag to wear to dinner. Now, ladies, if you have ever gone on a date right after work you can vouch for how difficult it is to attain the sexy/classy balance at work and this time I'd gotten it right.

2:00pm - I sit by my work computer, open up g-chat and send my friend a message explaining how happy I am to have dressed for a date and work. She replies with one of these ":-)"

4:45pm - Work is almost over and still no text from my alleged date. Foolishly, I text him, "are we still meeting up today?" No response.

5:00pm - I head home... feeling down and waiting for the phone call I know will come soon enough.
At this point Shawn has officially blown all chances of taking me out again unless he can prove beyond doubt that he was either; kidnapped by aliens, arrested because he was mistaken for a dangerous but extremely attractive criminal or in a coma.

Friday (A week or two later)
3:45pm - I get a text from Shawn, "Hey, what's new?" Apparently, Shawn has decided that he has waited long enough for me to have forgotten the traumatic shame I felt or that I am so gullible that he can convince me he didn't specify which Friday he agreed to go out.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is significantly worse than the act of not showing up because now Shawn is pretending that he did not commit this terrrible act and assuming I have the brain capacity of a goldfish. Shame on you Shawn! Guys don't stand up your date, there is really no excuse for it.

Read More

Bieber hitting below the Belt

"Oooooohhhhhhhh what you gonna do now?"

Justin Bieber has an affinity to flying water. Last month a video went viral of the tween pop sensation getting hit with a water bottle thrown by a crazed fan. I guess teen-age girls express their adoration in strange ways. This month Bieber himself is in trouble for throwing things (you'd think his mother would have told him it's rude). Bieber was having fun backstage before his concert throwing water balloons at people's crotches. He went a step too far when he hit a state trooper who was managing crowd control. The trooper, who presumably had spent the day dealing with rabid tweenies, who's twitter names are something like mrsbieber7639 or biebersgirl695826, was quite ready to cuff him and take him down town. Luckily for Justin, his babysitter, I mean bodyguard, stepped in and after sending JB to his trailer to think about what he'd done, convinced the trooper that it would be easier to fight off a mass attack of flying zombies than a mob of Justin's hormonally imbalanced, demented fans, if he didn't perform.

In all fairness the kid's just acting his age. I mean what 15 year old boy didn't throw water balloons at cops to make them look like they'd peed in their pants? Ummmm.....? But is this his first step down the slippery slide of fame and fortune that eats child stars for breakfast. That turned Britney from 'Baby, One More Time' to psychiatric patient, Lindsey Lohan from 'The Parent Trap' to inmate and Michael Jackson from black to white. Here's hoping that if it is, he does something more original with his melt down than addiction and attacking paparazzi.

Read More

MGM Lion explains why he attacked his trainer...

A lot of people have been talking sh*t about me and spreading rumors on Myspace, Facebook and Twitter. They are all acting like I flipped out and attacked a white dude for no reason. Come on, I am not like that Tiger that tried to eat the guy in that circus. I am relatively happy here, they don’t make me do stupid tricks like jumping through burning hoops or anything like that.

Nobody has even asked me about my side of the story, so I sent a text to Africanlegend at stuff-about.com. He was sympathetic to my story and gave me this opportunity to explain myself. I'll use pictures of the event to help with the explanation. I have already uploaded these pictures to Facebook and twit-pics.

1. So I was pretty much chilling. you know, not too much going on. Actually, I was thinking about how unlike my natural habitat this cage is. What’s up with all the rocks?

2. After a while, watching a bunch of white kids pointing at me and picking boogers from their noses was beginning to bore the sh*t out of me, but I was like F%@k it, its not like I have to hunt anymore. I sit here and do nothing all day and they feed me. That’s not a bad deal.

3. So I’m pretty much minding my own business. Then I looked back at the new douchebag trainer. I wasn’t trying to cause any beef, the dude started tensing up like he was about to go at me. Then he said something about my mama..

4. Then I thought to myself, “Damn, looks like I’m going to have to get up and bite this mother F@%ker in the leg. I mean, I tried to be a nice lion but he just crossed the line.

5. Get ready for pain!!!!!!!

6. So he managed to wiggle free. There I was standing and saying, “Come on, say something! Say something else!” thinking he won’t say anything, I had just bitten him on the leg.

7. I was about to walk away and then he actually said something…I couldn’t believe it!

8. It now became painfully obvious that I was gonna have to get down there and re-bite this mother F@%ker in the leg. Obviously the first bite didn’t quite get through to him.

9. You better run punk, kitty is coming to get you WOOOOW!!!!!

So you see, it was really all his fault. Besides what are humans doing standing in a Lion’s cage anyway? Doesn’t that defeat the point of having a cage?

Read More

100 simple things we take for granted: 8# Humor

8# Humor

Make laughter not war!

By Sparklingjem

"Laughter is the best medicine." We've all heard this clichéd remark, but how many of us take it seriously? Well, not enough of us. Studies show 64% of Americans smile less than 20 times a day at home (you know, the place where you relax) and 72% in the work place, where they spend most of their time. And that's just smiling, not even laughing. Granted most of the people not smiling are rappers, starving white girls and vegans but the figures are still profound.

I was amazed to see how much literature there is available on the benefits of a sense of humor:

Firstly, on health. Which not only makes sense, but is also life saving. If stress is the number one killer in our society and laughter alleviates stress, then clearly it's better to have a sense of humor than to be on blood pressure pills for the rest of your life. It's also cheaper and less dependent on a crappy health care system that is probably the reason you are frowning in the first place.

Secondly, in your business. If your employees are happy and less stressed, then you're going to have a better output. Which means you make more money and spend less on health care packages and "get well soon" cards. Unless they are African. Studies have shown Africans are 567% more playful and non-productive than any other cultural group regardless of working conditions.

Thirdly, people are drawn towards people with a sense of humor. As potential mates, as friends, as leaders and even as product suppliers. If an ad makes you laugh instead of making you want to hurl something at the T.V. you're more likely to buy the product. This is because a shared understanding of a joke increases feelings of intimacy and camaraderie (even if it's with a megatronics corporation) and generally indicates high cognitive function. 

So next time you feel down and depressed, read Stuff-About.com. and try smiling, even if it's difficult because you've just come back from your 184th round of botox and it might crack your make-up. It will make you feel better. Soon you'll even be able to progress to laughter and who knows? you might actually live.

CLICK HERE SEE FULL LIST

Read More

KFC: Making us Fat Asses Since 1930

By Africanlegend
The world generally sits back and marvels at just how fat Americans can get. In 2007 about 74.1% of Americans were considered over-weight or obese. That figure is probably inflated by tonnes of 98 pound white girls, who think they are fat, and ill descript survey questions like “Do you feel fatter than usual?” or “Do you still fit in the jeans you bought last summer or is your ass getting in the way?” Jokes aside, when the marketing industry makes a move, it usually indicates an adaptation to consumer wants and so far, it appears that consumers want to be fat asses. I was watching TV and I noticed KFC have taken the idea of making everybody super-sized, jumbo elephants to the extreme with their new “Double Down Sandwich” or as I like to call it “Triple Your Ass Sandwich.” If you haven’t ever heard of it, KFC have revolutionized the sandwich by removing the bread, replacing it with chicken and extinguishing any trace of vegetables. It consists of:

2 chicken breast fillets
Bacon,
2 melted slices of cheese
Mayonnaise sauce
9 heart attacks
7 strokes
3 different types of cancer

It looks like this….
I am by no means a health-food freak or a hippie and neither do I understand the concept or reason for vegetarianism, except maybe to bring us ever closer to the diet our ape-ancestors 300000 years ago may have enjoyed. However, I understand unhealthy when it jumps in my face screaming "die, die, die". In case you sit around tables with calculators counting calories, saturated fat, unsaturated fats, good carbs, evil carbs, blah blah blah, here is a great summary of just what we are dealing with:

I am on my way to get one. I need to go taste one so I can do a better job of faking my moral disdain for this sandwich? Can we even call it a sandwich, I mean technically. At least they are being honest and shooting you in the face with killer food rather than stabbing you in the back like McDonald's who have historically pretended to offer salads on their menus; salads that I suspect were deep fried in bacon fat and cow liver. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! I am shocked and appalled. Someone needs to be held accountable for the this outrageous "Sandwich".

Read More

If flirting is Illegal then send me to JAIL..

By Africanlegend.
According to an interesting article I read on yahoo, there are places on this earth where flirting is actually ILLEGAL.

- In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law prescribes that engaging in playful banter is punishable by a 30-day jail term.

- In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.

- In 2008, Prosecutors in Saudi Arabia investigated 57 young men who were arrested for flirting with girls at shopping centers in Mecca and there have been numerous arrests, imprisonments and beatings since.

- The Mutaween or Commission for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice is a police force of several thousand men charged with enforcing moral etiquette in Saudi Arabia, making it their task to make sure nobody ever flirts.

I flirt with women 60 to 234 times a day, so I did a few calculations and these would be the charges I'd have racked up over my illustrious career:

- 3 hangings or religiously motivated executions...
- 45600 beatings and torture related exercises...
- 1003 forced confessions of my moral depravity...
- 9 years worth of time in prison...
- 2.5 years in solitary confinement...
- 7000 hours in morality correction institutes...
- 3.8 million dollars worth of fines...
- 10.9 million very charmed women who feel better about... themselves after talking to me....

Read More

100 Simple things you take for granted: #7 Hugs

7# Hugs



By Sparklingjem.
I am a huggist. I believe that hugs can make the world a better place; and that many, if not all, of the world's problems can be helped by opposing parties just turning to each other and saying “Hey man, gimme a hug.” Africanlegend (AL) completely disagrees with me and says that wanting to go around hugging everyone is some form of glorified hippie nonsense. Comparing us as experimental test subjects and taking the fact that I am happier, funnier, smarter, healthier, more attractive and generally much nicer we can conclude that I am right.

However, putting that aside, studies in various fields repeatedly show the importance of positive touch in development as well as emotional and physical health. According to Kathleen Keating who wrote “The Hug Therapy Book”, our society is suffering from a “sad condition best described as touch deprivation, skin hunger and hug inhibition. We need to recognize that every human being has a profound physical and emotional need for touch.”  Hugs are the most effective way of giving positive touch. American author and psychotherapist Virginia Satir said “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.”

So next time you want to throw a high heeled shoe at another girl's head or punch a guy in the neck, think about the fact that it can probably all be resolved with just one simple hug. It's totally free, environmentally friendly, needs no additional equipment, takes very little time and can be done anywhere so START HUGGING NOW!!!!!

CHECK OUT THE FULL LIST

Read More