The True History of Christmas, including the bits they usually leave out, like the aliens.

It's a beautiful day

By Sparklingjem.
Once upon a time in a little town called Bethlehem a child was born. Following a series of unfortunate events,the child was finally born and placed in a manger. As the years rolled by, his birth created a series of much happier events now termed "the annual festival of Christmas." This is how it happened:
 
God looked down upon the earth using Google Maps. The people lived in a world of pain, prejudice, anger, greed and violence. He was sorry for the humans and wished he could make them happy. But since he had authored many books on leadership principles, he knew that he could not make them change their ways, he must lead by example. Unfortunately, He was a very busy man. He did not have time to demonstrate to the people of earth the power of love and forgiveness. After much thought he decided to create a son to lead the people of earth.

On another planet lived a race of aliens who were advanced far beyond the people of earth. They had great knowledge of all things, including obstetrics, and so God called upon them for advice. Communicating via Google Wave, they advised him on a time saving, energy efficient method they called Immaculate Conception. Then God chose Mary, who was pure of heart and sent the alien Gabriel to her. Gabriel explained everything and got her signature on the medical consent forms. God wanted his son to be born with the best possible care so naturally he avoided having him born in the US. Instead, he arranged for the aliens to send a spaceship to pick Mary up when the baby was about to be born. They agreed to rendezvous in a quiet little town called Bethlehem to avoid the paparazzi. When Mary arrived in Bethlehem accompanied by her DGF, Joseph, the aliens were nowhere to be found. Allegedly their GPS kept asking them to make a left turn where there was none and so they got lost.

Tom Cruise: Official Scientology Mascot.

In yesterday’s paper, Bethlehem had been given the prestigious “Best secret tourist destination on earth” award and it was now completely overrun with tourists; there was not a room to be found in any of the 384 hotels which had sprung up overnight. Mary persuaded a friendly inn keeper to let them rest in his old stables.
 
The stress of the whole fiasco sent Mary into early labour. Joseph called for the midwife, so the innkeepers wife sent the bell boy down to the pub. The midwife was dead drunk but he found an American paramedic on holiday with “Happy Trampling Tours” who was only slightly tipsy. He delivered a healthy baby boy whom Mary called Jesus Christ, after her favorite super star. The aliens eventually found Mary using Google Latitude and parked their space ship above the stable. The landing lights lit up the sky and three wise men who believed that the earth was a small part of a large universe filled with many planets and peoples saw them. Bearing gifts, they followed the light to welcome the aliens to earth. While three shepherds watched their flocks by night, they passed the time taking ‘shrooms. They also saw the light and a voice told them to follow it, so they did. The light led them to the stable where everyone in the pub including the ”Happy Trampling Tours” group was celebrating Jesus Christ’s birth. The wine, beer and spirits were flowing freely and everyone was having a good time. The aliens were gathered around the baby when the wise men came in and fell to their knees offering up gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. The aliens were pleased with the gifts and agreed to take the wise men to their spaceship. The wise men were so amazed by what they saw, they left immediately to begin the Church of Scientology.
 
The Innkeeper was so happy that his inn had reached number ONE in Google search so he decided to give all the factory rejects from his toy factory in the North Pole away as gifts, instead of selling them at a discounted price. A local shop keeper explained to a fascinated group of tourists that it was customary in Bethlehem to exchange gifts when a child was born. Just as he had hoped, the tourists were enthralled by this idea and expressed a wish to participate in this local custom. The shopkeeper nobly offered to open his shop and the word went round quickly. Very soon everyone was happily exchanging gifts and his yearly accounts showed a huge profit for the first time in many years. They continued drinking far into the night and into the next day. When God looked down he was happy to see his son’s arrival had brought such goodwill amongst all men. The celebrations lasted for twelve days and on the twelfth day all the happy travellers travelled on and everywhere they went they spread the word of Christmas.

Merry Christmas Friends!

This Christmas Story was brought to you by GOOGLE.

"You can't hide from us we're F@#k*ng everywhere :-)"

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My Top 10 Most Racist TV moments!

By Africanlegend
I won't say much, this list "laughs" for itself. I have also used some of the funnier comments I picked up from youtube. I will also preface this by encouraging you all to tolerate one another, spread love, not hate and any other hippy 'let's all get along' thing I've missed.....HERE GOES! 


10 + 1.  OBAMA IS ARAB!!!!

"listening to that old fart is one very good reason not to watch Fox News." - unelmitchell

Very true unelmitchell, except that the young farts on FOX are equally potent and destructive.

10. YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THIS MAN!!

UNFORGIVABLE hahah.....How can he face his parents after THIS?

9. TAKE THE WHITE GUY IN FRONT SERIOUSLY PLEASE!!

I would pay to be a fly on the wall during the 15 to 26 seconds of TOTALLY intoxicating, paralyzing, debilitating and ultimately castrating silence following his statement.

8. WELCOME TO 7/11 CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

So do they test you at a door? Where can I get an Indian Accent lessons? There is a 7/11 nearby here and I really wanna go!

7. MARTIN LUTHER WHO??

Just and example of a poor fellow that couldn't keep his COON....I mean COOL under pressure.

"He probably said in his head a million times, 'don't say coon, don't say coon, don't say coon, don't say coon, don't say KING'....Martin Luther Coo-....SH@T." -Timmy4pawz

6. WITH THE EYES LIKE THIS!!

"This is what makes me angry. WHAT IF SLANTED EYES ARE NORMAL AND NON-SLANTED EYES ARE WEIRD. Ever think about that." ~ AsianSensation71

There are more Asians on this planet than anyone else...this is a VERY valid point AsianSensation71. Suddenly, I feel insecure about my wide-eyed disposition.

5. LYNCH HIM THE BACK ALLEY?

Strangely, "lynching them in the back alley" works in SOCCER, FOOTBALL AND TENNIS not just GOLF!

4. WHITE TENDENCIES?

Too ashamed to even comment #imfromafrica - FML

3. SOME NAPPY HEADED HOES!!!

"As a black I have to say Imus may be racist but he's RIGHT they ARE some nappy headed hoes lol." - enzoman215

2. WELL THEN CLOSE THE DOOR…NIGGAAHHHHH!!!

He took the approach of: Since I said "nigga" and I'm obviously going to be punished for it, let me just go ahead and say it AS MANY TIMES AS I CAN!

Anyway answer the question....

"Can you borrow a nigga a pencil?"

1. FOR THE SIMPLE REASON THAT HE IS BLACK!
Scored Card
From Texas: 3 points (Guess I HAVE to support that?)
BLACK: -55660000000 points.

Notice how when the black guy flips out at the racist remark, the racist says, "Ohhhhh, I knew this was coming," frustrated, as if to suggest that the black guy's strong reaction to HIS ignorance somehow makes him the asshole in this transaction. LMAO!

WHICH ONE WAS YOUR FAVORITE...LEAVE A COMMENT

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On BE-ing: Decrease Thought, Increase Action

(Profound thoughts courtesy of Griper @MOSTLY GRIPES via 20SB's 2010 Blog Swap. It involved swapping posts with a fellow blogger. Here are her pearls of wisdom. You may also read the post we SWAPPED.)

By Griper.
With the start of 2011 mere weeks away, being introspective and taking stock of our outward appearance are common actions. The beginning of a new year symbolizes a fresh start, a chance for us to move closer to the person we want to be. It's also that time when we inevitable make resolutions that we have little chance of keeping. The intention is there and we might actually go to the gym for a couple months, eat a few salads, look at travel sites, set up dating profiles or do any number of things that we feel will somehow improve our lives, if we only had time to work at them. And, despite the fact that we never had time to do them throughout the past year, we just know that things will be different in the New Year. But it never seems to work out that way. We try to take on too much too soon until our every day lives get in the way and it becomes more than we can handle. Bottom line: we are too set on the thought-based ideals when what we really need is the action-driven concreteness of willpower, consistency, and determination in order to fulfill those oft times empty promises to ourselves.

I have rarely been pressed to make resolutions because I think that if we really want to change something in our lives we have to start right then, in the moment. Not only when the New Year starts. As such, when I’ve thought of self-improvement projects that I want to take on, I’ve added them to a growing list of goals that I started some time ago and have been actively working towards accomplishing. When I near the end of one project and am ready to start another project I consider my list. Because I have some trouble keeping track of the hard copy, the list is more imaginary than anything but I find that I am even more motivated to keep going when I need to give myself constant reminders, thereby pushing my goals to the forefront of my mind. Of course, we all need some external motivation from time to time and in the past, I’ve found mine in the lyrics of songs (ex. Invisible by Jennifer Hudson), articles, or in the people around me. Most recently, I found these words profound when I was flipping through the January 2011 issue of Self Magazine:

"Be fearless If you make only one resolution this year, let it be to live boldly. You control this moment.: Rather than cautiously test the water, dive straight into life with freeing abandon. Imagine the person you want to be and the life you want to live, then simply commit to them. Believe in yourself. Embrace your beauty. Discover a new passion. And whatever you do, wherever you go, don’t be afraid to make a splash."

This affirmation embodies everything that I could have wished for myself and while I won’t be making any resolutions for 2011, I was inspired to add a few goals to my "list":

1.) Be Happy – if it’s true that happiness is a state of mind, I am prepared to actively work at achieving it. I strive to find happiness wherever it manifests itself, whether through my travels, fellowship with friends and family, my writing, my projects, and even through work.

2.) Be Free – I promise to actively work at suspending thought in favor of what feels right. Impulses aside, my head has been making the decisions for far too long and as a result, I can recall moments when too much thinking led to missed opportunities. No more! I am sending my mind a memo that management duties will be shared forthwith.

3.) Be Healthy –I feel good after a workout or when I eat healthy meals so in the spirit of being free to do what makes me happy, I will venture down a path where good health is my reward.

Whether or not you make resolutions, take a few minutes to think about those things that you’ve been setting aside whenever life intrudes and things get rough. Now, suspend thought and just be!

For more griping visit Griper at MOSTLY GRIPES,

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100 simple things you take for granted: #15 Cars

15# Cars



By Sparklingjem
I knew the day when I would have to have a new car was coming, especially since I accepted that Alice (my ancient Audi A4 appropriated from my mother) was trying to kill me. It started off with little things like refusing to de-mist, thus making the process of driving in wet or cold weather an athletic procedure involving a towel and seated calf raises, or squats ~ or whatever they call them. However, not long ago she progressed to belching some sort of toxic smoke into the interior and refusing to open or close her windows. It became clear that my options were to either get a new car or die of carbon monoxide poisoning at a red light.

Alice breaking down in the middle of nowhere on New Year's Eve. Yup, she's a bitch!

This weekend I drove home to fetch my new car. I wasn’t that excited, I knew nothing could ever match up to Alice (who the fuck is Alice) so I was very prepared to be disappointed. It was worse than I thought.
I had two, well three, stipulations about the new car. Firstly, it had to be manual. Cheap automatics never gear up and down fast enough meaning you never have enough power. Secondly, it shouldn’t have one of those beeping warning systems, they never work out and are fucking irritating. I know when I haven’t got my seat belt on, I will put it on in a minute. Thirdly, I needed boot space, it’s complicated but I need boot space.

My new car is a TINY TINY little Toyota. That’s fine, I can live with that, but it’s also automatic. It goes from 0 to 60 in 5.6 HOURS meaning my days of zooming off at robots before the leering assholes in the car next to me are over. The tires on the car are so small if like all it would take was a strong gust of and they'd unhinge and send the car hurtling into oblivion (ATV Tires). It also has a bloody beeping warning system. Except it doesn’t beep to warn you that you have no seat belt on, or if your door is open or even if you’re about to hit something. No, my car warns you if you’re going backwards. In case you didn't notice the scenery was moving in the wrong direction. And there is no boot, it’s a (very small) hatchback. The only body you could fit in there would be a midget or perhaps a small child…. oops did I say body? ahem.

The Future Sparklingjemmobile!

We have managed to bond a little on the 4, I mean 7, hour journey back. I’ve named her Chloe after the prostitute in the movie of the same name. I have decided I’ll like her more after I have covered her in flowers and bumper stickers about saving the world which Alice would never have let me do. And I will be chanting “I’m grateful for my car, I’m grateful for my car, I’m grateful for my car” every morning until I feel it.

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Gifts Men give to Women and what they REALLY mean!

By Africanlegend.
1. Diamond Rings and big ticket items...

Probable Cause: A fairly serious Eff up; like Adultery.
Effed Up Rating: 8.9/10

If you start seeing big ticket gifts that pop up out of the blue, you can be sure something dubious is going on. In most cases such grandiose gestures of love tend to be motivated by guilt. They guy has probably slept with your best friend, your sister or a hooker, and in some cases those classifications overlap. A perfect example of this is professional basketball star Kobe Bryant, who was charged with felony sexual assault against a 19-year-old woman at an exclusive spa. His response? He bought his wife a $4 million diamond ring. A rock that you might imagine Indiana Jones, battling zombie monkeys and jumping over lakes of lava to get to, in Indiana Jones and the Rock of the Colossal Screw Up . Love may motivate a man to buy gifts for a woman but guilt will certainly make him buy bigger shinier ones.

2. Flowers/Cards...

Probable Cause: General Neglect or being male.
Effed Up Rating: 4/10

This is pretty much the standard gift a guy will get a woman because he did something that has mildly upset her. In most cases, he may not know exactly what he has done and may not even see the error of his ways. However, in the same way men will not understand why certain things upset women, they also don’t understand how flowers seem to fix it. I’d understand if the flower bore fruit which ultimately lowered my cholesterol, thereby improving my standard of living, but just a bunch of things which smell and look pretty has never truly made me feel better. Then again I'm only a boy!

3. Chocolates.


Probable Cause: Sex deprivation.
Effed Up Rating: 2/10 

Chocolates are a wonderful gift to anyone. In fact, on many occasions I have eaten this particular gift before presenting it to it’s recipient, or shortly thereafter, claiming that "sharing is caring" and citing religious references to back me up. Practically speaking though, there are several studies showing that chocolate may have aphrodisiac-like qualities. Chocolate is thought to stimulate the production of “love drugs” in the body. It stimulates Phenyl-ethylamine (PEA), which stimulates pleasure centers in the brain, Tryptophan, which aids the production of the feel good hormone Serotonin, and Anandamide (meaning “internal bliss”) which is connected to heightened sensitivity. A few studies have found that 40-70% of women claimed to prefer chocolate to sex. One separate study found that some women claimed to prefer toast. Either way, if the woman feels great, it increases the likelihood of what scientists have described as “getting some.” So don’t be surprised next time you find a man trying to shove chocolate and/or toast down your throat.

4. Nothing.


Probable Cause: There may not necessarily be one.
Effed Up Rating: N/A

Ironically, although this should technically be normal and relationships should  not rely on material tokens, this state of affairs will only ever result in a man needing to buy a gift from section number 2. Surprisingly to most of the female population, if a guy doesn’t get a girl anything, it is not a sign that he doesn’t care. There is more than one way to express affection. He may prefer to beat the crap out of some guy that disrespected you than send you a “thinking about you” card with rainbows and pink unicorns. On the other hand, if he does ABSOLUTLY nothing, that isn’t exactly normal either; in fact that merits an Effed Up Rating of 7.

5. A sentimental gift.


Probable cause: A genuinely thoughtful guy/Stalker
Effed Up Ranting: 1/10

Spontaneous gifts trump just about about any other type of gift. If a guy listens to you and gets you something you’ve really been dying for, or a gift that means a lot to you, then that is a great sign that he is thinking about you in a positive light. Sadly, stalkers exhibit the same type of tender love and care. There is a very fine line between a caring guy and a stalker. I am willing to go so far as to say that the only difference is that the girl likes the attention in one case and doesn't in the other. In fact stalkers and caring guys actually exhibit exactly the same tendencies. For example they may both:

- Call and text you often.
- Want to follow you everywhere and be with you all the time.
- Be all over your Facebook like a terminal disease.
- Show up unexpectedly or unannounced.
- Know you and your habits in tremendous detail.
- Video tape you doing stuff.

This will all be cute until you break up……then he will officially register himself as a stalker!

6. Random Getaways or Trips:

Probably Cause: An Eff Up of major and catastrophic proportions, usually of an illegal nature.
Effed Up Ranking: +18/10

Anytime there is any sudden plan to get as far away from an area as quickly as possible, you have to be wary of the circumstances. This is the the type of gift fugitives of the order of Johan Van Der Sloot may bestow upon you in order to flee the scene of a crime and seek refuge in a country with a history of non-extradition. It's one thing to spontaneously decide to leave the country next week but to out of the blue suggest a romantic getaway is very suspicious activity and can only mean he is trying to flee a steaming pile of excrement that will possibly land him in jail. Either that or he fears for his life, having got on the very bad side of a latino woman. Either way there is a high probability that this will be a one way trip.

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The Essential Sparkling Guide to Men

Now you too can be him, have him or do him if you follow my guide.

By Sparklingjem
Most men subscribe to a certain prototype to attract women. This makes the 'finding a date' process faster and more efficient. Women know what they're looking for, or at least they think they do, and make up their minds very quickly based on certain types. The Sparklingjem Essential Guide to Men will show you how to embody the most popular types and what sort of girls or occasions each type is best suited for. So whether you're a guy trying to maximize his chances of getting laid this holiday or a girl looking for a date to make your colleagues swoon or give your mother a heart attack at her annual Christmas party, i.e. annual reminder you are "not getting any younger and why can't you settled down with a nice boy like your perfect sister Joan?", my comprehensive guide is here to help you find the perfect guy.

Click on the link to find out more!
Mr Romantic(Monsieur Passion) - Women love to feel special and he’s not afraid to show the world how much he loves her.
The Free Spirit - He is passionate to the extreme, if he is willing to sacrifice so much for the seals in Antarctica imagine how committed he could be to you.
The Rebel - He’s dangerous, unobtainable and your mother would never approve.
The Intelligent/Witty Guy - He makes conversation fun and interesting and we know how women love to talk. Plus he is going somewhere. This is the guy who is going to succeed in life and that is attractive.

Hmmm...athlete, rebel or nerd?

The Athlete - He is physically superior and our bodies respond on a purely animal level to the fact that he can defend the cave, catch our dinner and impregnate us with healthy offspring
The Foreign Guy - He is "sophisticated", unique and vulnerable. Even if he’s not showing it, he is probably missing home and we’d love to take away his pain.
The Nerd - A lot of research is being done but as of now, there is no conclusive evidence that a Nerd is irresistible to any woman except a female nerd.
The Artistic Guy - All women want to be immortalized in art. Think of the Dark Lady in Shakespeare’s sonnets or the Mona Lisa. People around the world have been praising their beauty for centuries.
The Cocky/Confident Guy - He keeps telling you he's irresistible until you believe him.

Men who do not fall into any one of these categories are either subversive, extremely dangerous and should be avoided. They are not looking for a date/to get laid and therefore are a waste of time or have not yet been helped by my handy guide. In the latter case, in the spirit of Christmas, send them a link.

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Classified Documents of the Birth of Jesus Released on Wikileaks!

By Africanlegend
WikiLeaks, an international, new media, non-profit organization has been releasing electronic documents detailing previously classified information about wars, political events and other global issues. This brand of freedom of press and government transparency has proved to be too much for major powers like the United States, who claim the release of such information is irresponsible and compromises it’s national security. The website has landed founder Julian Paul Assange an Australian journalist, in detention in Britain on charges of sexual crimes in Sweden, as the powers that be pull all the stops to stop him and shut down Wikileaks.

Despite seemingly insurmountable hurdles, Wikileaks has continued to release sensitive information about world leaders and events. In the latest leak, information has been disclosed about Jesus, The Son of God, from high ranking sources in his organization and close friends and relatives through documents previously concealed from the public. Over 150 000 scrolls are being electronically released, the first of which describe the events surrounding the life of Jesus. Here are some excerpts:


A note revealed that the Angel, who delivered the news to Mary of her impending conception, appeared irritable and disinterested in his job, revealing to Mary that his true aspirations were to become a warrior Angel.

According to a source close to Joseph, thought to be his legal representation, we are told that Joseph was suspicious of the circumstances [immaculate conception] of the birth; claiming that the baby’s nose and lips “looked the same as the stable boy’s.”

The memo further notes that most of Joseph’s peers did not consider him to be the sharpest tool in the shed, revealing that; "Since he was not a very bright guy, he was suspicious of a lot of people,"

Herod, Roman ruler at the time, was described by officials closest to him as "feckless, vain, and ineffective as a modern leader". They alluded to him being a "physically and politically weak" leader whose "frequent late nights and penchant for partying hard meant he did not get sufficient rest."

Sources described Mary, Virgin mother of Jesus, as “a little chubby” and goes on to mention how Joseph did his best to tell her she looked great but nobody was buying it.

On baby Jesus; one of the three kings attending the birth is quoted to have described Jesus as, “a very noisy baby” and one that it appears only God, the Father, could silence.

Concordant to that, one of the Shepherds that visited baby Jesus is reported to have been unimpressed saying he expected the son of God to be a “better looking baby.”

More documents are expected to be released soon and WE will bring them to you!

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100 simple things we take for granted: #14 Birth Control

14# Birth Control

(FULL LIST)
By Sparklingjem
Birth control used to be a woman’s problem. We think of it as a modern thing along with loose sexual morals when in fact they’ve both been around for years. Women have been quietly ingesting herbs known for their abortive properties (mostly poisons which had to be very carefully dosed) for thousands of years. The first recorded use is on an Ancient Egyptian papyrus from 1800 B.C.E. A few hundred years later a Greek botanist documented the effective use of a herb called Silphium. It’s popularity led to it becoming “worth it’s weight in silver” and it’s extinction.

"Well Done, Sister Suffragette!"

The suffragette movement brought birth control out into the open and birth control returned the favor by leading the feminist movement. What was once a back street industry, where women had to secretly buy herbs from “witches” (it still happens in some countries), became a woman’s right to her own body and the choice to be more than an incubator. No longer permanently pregnant, women could go to work and earn money, demand equality and fight for their rights. Legal systems changed to allow men to take responsibility for their actions and paternity tests helped where they were reluctant. Now men are far more conscious about birth control themselves and condoms are the most widely used form of contraceptive.

Simple maths appeals to men.

VIEW FULL LIST......

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Facebook Questions: The Idiotic but helpful Driver.....

By Africanlegend
Facebook recently added the "Ask a Question" function which I believed was a total waste of time and hardly a significant change from just posting something on your wall. However, I was very wrong! The idea that it is a public forum, rather than just your friends, opens the door to a realm of absurdity that I previously grossly underestimated.

Now I read and answer questions from all over world as a source of entertainment. Very often I am provided with bizarre questions and scenarios that I'd NEVER have dreamed of even in my wildest, most alcohol induced slumber....

LIKE THIS ONE......


THE RESPONSES ARE PRICELESS....LOL

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7 Ways to Win Arguments with Women!

While based in truth, this kind of thinking has to go!

By Africanlegend.
The media is filled with plots and images suggesting that it is impossible for men to win arguments with women. That we should just hand in our sacks and sit silently while being slowly and painfully emasculated. Well the truth is we can, so refrain from tossing your ball sacks away quite yet. Here is a compilation of methods, previously posted here on this blog that you can use to win arguments with women and preserve you precious manhood.

NB: S.T.A.B is not liable for any injuries you can and will sustain in the process!

If you get to this point, I DEFINITELY can't help you!

TO READ MORE, CLICK ON THE TITLES……..
1. Abandon all logic!
2. Use cheap shots!
3. Cite precedent!
4. Compare her unfavorably to another girl.
5. Don’t take her seriously!
6. Play Possum.
7. Be excessively compliant.

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Toy Robot Take-over Threat Detonated

Is this the first sign of the end of the world?

By Sparklingjem.

On Wednesday afternoon, an innocent citizen was walking along a foot bridge, near Coors Field in Denver, when he spotted an innocent looking toy robot, mysteriously cemented to the floor X. Being a concerned and caring citizen who has watched enough Sci-fi films and terrorist news reports, he immediately considered the possibility that is was either; a bomb cleverly disguised as a toy robot, mysteriously cemented to the floor, or part of an evil robot plot to take over the world disguised as an innocent toy robot, mysteriously cemented to the floor. He immediately called the police to report it. This resulted in a stand-off between police and the toy robot as rush-hour traffic piled up around the area. After hours of the robot refusing to make a move, stand down or surrender, the bomb squad was moved in to assess the situation. Unable to safely determine the threat level posed by the toy robot, the experts decided to remotely detonate it. Examining the pieces of the robot afterwards, they determined it was not in any way a terrorist threat. They, however, still have no idea who put the robot there and why it was mysteriously cemented to the floor.

(CLICK HERE FOR THE ORIGINAL STORY)

"Don't worry about us, we're just a large, unstoppable army of friendly machines."

Stuff-about.com’s Institute of Far Out Practical Jokes and Robotic World Domination has been working feverishly around the clock to find an answer to this mystery. They have concluded there is only one possible explanation. The innocent looking toy robot was sent by not so innocent looking robots as the first step in a world domination plan. They are either really angry that their toy was so heartlessly destroyed, and will be detonating a small city as pay back, or do not care, in which case they may be more dangerous than we thought. Alternatively they may have expected the robot to be blown up and taken into custody. In this case it is most likely programmed to reassemble itself once it has successfully infiltrated the Denver police headquarters.  

From this point, it will be easy for the robots to gain control and begin taking over the world.

Stuff-about.com is of the opinion that it would be a huge mistake to dismiss this as a rather clever and highly successful practical joke.

See original story here.

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10 killer ways to Slack off at Work!

1. Social Networking. Abuse Social networking website sites and have them drain large quantities of your time. One of the most effective ways to do this is a process called REFRESHBOOKING (READ MORE)

The Process of REFRESHBOOKING:
1. Log on to Facebook.
2. Scroll up and down your home page to check your friend's updates, pictures and any other notifications. Respond accordingly.
3. Open Facebook chat. Chat until everybody interesting leaves and you are left with "that guy you pretended to remember from high school."
4. Scroll up and down your home page for any new updates.
5. Hit "home" or refresh on your browser just to make sure.
6. Ignore a text on your phone soliciting real social interaction.
7. Open alternate webpages to read a generic article on why you suck at dating and breaking news on Yahoo about the 35th woman coming out claiming to have had shenanigans with Tiger Woods.
8. Switch back to Facebook and repeat steps 2 to 5. If you still find nothing, repeat indefinitely.

2. Aggressive typing.
When your boss walks by, start hammering at your keyboard while looking intensely at the screen. Ignore all external stimuli until they walk by. You need to sell it well. In the event that a fire alarm or terrorism alert is sounded, maintain focus. Keep typing and staring intensely.

3. Filing Frenzy.
You will need to pull a large stack of files out of your cabinet and set them beside your table. As soon as the boss walks your way, get up and begin to file them where you originally got them. You will look productive. The only downside to is that the manual labor may eclipse the labor to are trying to avoid doing.

4. Refuel.
Keep a depleted cup of coffee on your table. When you see the big boss coming, get up and go and refill. Coffee is the fuel of productivity. Also remember to throw in a cheesy line like, “hey hey hey jet fuel!” Also acquire many cans of Red Bull, crumple and scatter them everywhere. No one will question your work ethic.

5. Stress out.
Stress out about something. Or rather, perfect the act of looking stressed out. Grit teeth, place your hands on your head, smack your head into the table or throw a stapler across the room. For added effect, stand on your head for about a minute and your eyes should become red, only to emphasize how hard work has robbed you of sleep. The boss will think you are stressed out because of all your hard work and commitment.

6. Blame your inactivity on a Co-Worker. Pick an employee you dislike; there will be many. Let us call that person Marcus. Make up a task you have to do and go tell the boss you are almost done but you are just waiting for Marcus's part and that you have been waiting on it since last week. Also tell the boss you smell strange marijuana-like fumes emanating from his office.

7. Make superfluous Excel documents! 
If you get any information, simply transfer it to 3 or more Excel Spreadsheets regardless of whether it is actually necessary. You will look smart and organized and there is a good chance no one will even know enough about Excel to even call you out. Plus you can show off to the boss by showing them a pie chart of employee attendance by department at bowling night.

8. Go PD-EFFIN crazy!
Print out a document in ADOBE pdf format. It will take dog years to actually print and you will seem industrious. To put this time waster into context, if you printed a 50-70 page pdf file it would take so long that Jesus would probably return prior to its completion. This is a good way to transition from early morning to happy hour with just one task.

NB: This is a perfect time to use technique 3 and get more coffee for the two hit combo.

9. Re-organize.
Stand up, dash out of the room and return with a huge box. The box should contain material associated with productivity like: staplers, calendars, paper clips, baseball bats etc. You decided to “re-organize” your desk and improve efficiency.

10. Look busy on the Phone.
A phone call is a sign of industry. Call your best friend and when the boss walks by, talk about how you need a TPS report ASAP or PRONTO. ASAP and PRONTO are good words industrious Caucasians use in cases where they are conducting important business. There is insufficient evidence to suggest black people have any equivalent words or that they would ever be industrious enough to use them.

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New Study Predicts Men will be Eradicated by Women by 2167

By Dr. Africanlegend (PHW)
A recent study done by a reputable Science Institute in Cambodia has determined that if men continue to listen to women, then a large proportion of the male gender is expected to be eradicated, emasculated or turned gay by the year 2167.

THE STUDY

- 6000 men were subjected to women in a controlled environment that lacked distractions that typical males use to deal with women such as male friends, porn, Ps3, Xbox360, liquor and beer.

- The women were all strangers to the subjects because a prior study done in the early 1990’s determined that males were capable of developing a tolerance to females that they felt attraction towards and in many cases went on to marry them and have families. The men dealt with listening to these women by slipping in a catatonic state which scientists have called “AUTOPILOT.” This state is a subconscious protective mechanism designed to prevent the male brain from aneurysms, blood clots and nerve damage that may develop as a result of an overload of impertinent, inconsequential or otherwise useless information or observations.

- The 6000 men were left in this environment for 3 months.

- 100 men were kept in a separate room and given every distraction a typical male has at his disposal. This group acted as a control group.

THE RESULTS:
60% Of the males slipped into comas. When they were finally revived, they had lost all higher brain functions and appeared to behave like subservient dogs.

13% Survived by fornicating with some of the females and formed strong attachments to these females, thereby giving them the ability to slip into “AUTOPILOT.”

10%  were reported to have turned gay from the experience. 100% of these subjects survived and are currently living healthy lives, in most cases becoming best friends and shopping buddies with the females that participated.

9% of the males disappeared and are thought to have been murdered and disposed of by angry females. This casualty rate was expected.

8% percent were unaffected and later found to be deaf.

100% of the subjects described the experience using the same analogies and vocabulary as released detainees from Guantanamo bay.

CONCLUSION:
- Men listening to women presents a health risk that can cause psychological, physical and emotional damage to the male brain.

- The rates of deterioration observed in this experiment suggest that the whole male gender will be compromised by 2167.

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