4 Ways to Spot a Real Lesbian...

Isaac Lungu | 10:34 AM |

By Sparklingjem.
This article examines how one might spot a real Lesbian. These days it seems Real Lesbians are becoming more and more difficult to distinguish from straight girls. The main reasons for this are that firstly, since a real lesbian despises males they may enjoy tormenting them by occasionally masquerading as a single, available, straight woman from time to time. (Diary of a concerned citizen Lesbos Announce thyselves). Secondly, while real lesbians hate men, men often find lesbians attractive and as a result, straight girls often "lesb-it-up" in order to seem more appealing. Despite this, there are a few key give aways which make it easy to spot the fake lesbians from the real lesbians.

1. Music.
The type of music a girl likes can set apart the real lesbians from the fakers. Real lesbians only like obscure, feminist singers and groups that no straight person has ever heard of. Examples of this are Ani Difranco, Teagn and Sara and Indigo Girls. Straight girls who are lesb-ing –it-up will tend to listen to commercial lesbian nonsense like Tatu and Kate Perry. If she is walking around singing “I kissed a girl and I liked it” she is definitely NOT a real lesbian.

2. Her grooming habits.
While it is untrue that all lesbians are unattractive and do not take any pride in their appearances, they have dispensed of a number of the more moronic female practices. This is because lesbians have an extremely vigorous natural selection process to ensure that only the strongest, most intelligent lesbians survive. One example is the abandonment of time consuming, labor intensive hair styles in favor of more practical, short cut manageable hair. Another forgone practice is the habit of keeping long nails which is entirely impractical for any woman who actually does anything other than putting make-up on. So if her nails are longer than the top of her fingers and her hair looks like it required an additional person to style it then she is definitely not a lesbian, she is just a poser.

Know Ani DiFranco!? Then you are probably Lesbian!
3. The "Lesbian Manual."
Yes there is one. However, if she is carrying around the full 1085 page manual and during your conversation references it to find appropriate responses to your questions, then she is not a real lesbian. Real lesbians have read the manual during initiation, before they come out and they know all the answers off by heart. They only carry the Mini Manual of Lesbian Essentials which is a small 20 page booklet, containing among other things, a short version of the lesbian Karma Sutra and advice on ways to confuse Straight Men.

4. Her diet.
Most lesbians favor a vegetarian diet. It is a lifestyle choice that the International Association of Lesbians decided in December 19th 1974. Since then lesbians everywhere have remained committed to the ideals of vegetarianism while still appreciating things like cheese and chocolate. Diet pills and nutritional supplements that feign vegetarianism are prohibited and only a strictly adhered to vegetable and tofu diets demarcate proper lesbian conduct.  If she is a vegan she’s trying too hard to appear lesbian and isn’t really aware of the Laws of Lesbianism which are taught to all new lesbians in a top secret class given by Ellen Degeneres after they have been initiated and sworn into the Lesbian sisterhood.

This look appealing to you? Yes? Then you could be a lesbian!
If you are still unsure invite her on a wilderness survival camp. If she is a lesbian she will jump at the chance and she will make it obvious in the first 5 minutes that she is a lesbian by building a luxury camp complete with running water and working showers with nothing but a pen knife and some matches. This is a skill which all lesbians must possess to survive the two weeks alone in the wilderness prior to their initiation.

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